Out of the best marriage books...

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A successful marriage includes a successful sexual relationship (however the couple together would define success), but it is not realistic to expect an easy path to a mutually satisfying sexual relationship in an environment of sexual ignorance.  The mechanics of reproduction are typically not a mystery, adults know what goes where, but the art of being a skilled lover and how to manage the very emotional nature of a sexual relationship are topics many Mormons feel uncomfortable making a focus of study.


When I got engaged I was keenly aware of my ignorance in these areas and it gave me more than a little apprehension about my ability to give my bride a wedding night that would live up to her expectations.  My ignorance was a shame to me, and the prospect of somebody seeing me buy a 'sex book' or asking anybody for guidance was terrifying. 

At some point my fears overpowered my shame and I went to some out of the way bookstore I never went to before (or since) and purchased a well known book on sexuality.  While there was some useful information in it, the entire topic was treated without reverence, and the images in the book were clearly intended to be more erotic than educational (which I suppose was why it was shrink wrapped in the store).  All in all I wouldn't call it the best experience, but it got me started.

A little while later I was in an LDS Bookstore and unexpectedly came across a paperback with a blue cover that was written to help prepare ignorant virgin Mormons like myself for the sexual side of marriage.  I don't' recall the title of the book but it was small and thin enough to fit in a suit coat pocket.  I sheepishly purchased it.  The content was far more helpful and reverent towards sexuality and it left me feeling much better prepared.

While our wedding night was a success, the early years of our marriage was a time where everything was wonderful, except in the bedroom.  My wife had little desire for intimacy and it bothered me greatly.  At times I blamed myself, wondering if things would improve if I could better please her, sometimes I wondered if the problem was she no longer loved me like before.  My job downtown was in an office building that was beside a very large bookstore, and sometimes on my lunch break I would go there and try to find a book that would help fix this one sore spot in our marriage.  I still struggled with the fear of others seeing me do this since the book shelves were not high enough to hide me, but I desperately wanted our marriage to improve in this area.

Over time I've found a number of books that were helpful, and my wife likewise made an effort to learn, and found resources that were helpful to her.  I'm no longer ashamed to head into Chapter's and check out or purchase a book on marriage or sexuality.  It is Satan that wants us to feel shame over it and overcoming that is a big step forward.

As I found early on however, there are books on sexuality that treat the topic with due reverence and, and others that do not.  Below are some books that I would encourage you to consider reading:

And They Were Not Ashamed - Laura M. Brotherson
If you only read one book on marriage and intimacy, it should be this one.  Physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy are covered in detail, accurately portraying both male and female perspectives.  Each chapter has exercises that are relevant and helpful.  The teachings of latter-day prophets and apostles are prominently featured in the text and the content is harmonious with the moral standards taught by the church. 

For my wife, it was very helpful to hear some of the things said in this book from a woman and presented in a gospel context.  It they had come from a man she may have dismissed them as self serving, and if they came from a non-Mormon she would be tempted to write it off as the way of the world.  It also covers how to raise children so they are better prepared for marriage.  Likewise it was a great help to me in understanding my wife's feelings on several fronts.

His Needs, Her Needs - Willard F. Jr. Harley
This book details the top five relationship needs for men, and the top five relationship needs for women and teaches spouses how strengthen a marriage by satisfying those needs for their partner.  While it does generalize about men's and women's needs, it is an excellent starting place for a couple to discuss and learn more about each other.





The 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman
Just because you feel love for your spouse doesn't mean your spouse feels loved.  All of us have a set of internal 'rules' that govern what looks like an expression of love to us and what doesn't.  This book lays our those rules in terms of 'languages' or ways we express love.  For a spouse to feel loved, their partner must express their love in the language their spouse understands.  While it also is a generalization, it is a useful framework for a couple to use in teaching each other how to show their love for each other.

Personality Plus - Florence Littauer
While this book is not specifically about the marriage relationship, it is certainly helpful in building a stronger marriage.  In this book the characteristics, strengths, and weaknesses of 4 basic personality types are discussed, along with how the different types relate with each other.  Having a better understanding of your spouse's innate personality traits helps reduce personality conflicts, and the same skills are useful in dealing with children, co-workers, people at church etc.



The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands - Laura Schlessinger
One of the joys of marriage is to have somebody who is so different from you in so many ways love you in spite of those difference, but sometimes those same things make it hard to understand each other and lead to frustration.  Society also projects an image of marriage that often leads women to treat their husbands in ways that are counterproductive.  Dr. Laura takes on the task of helping wives to understand their husbands and work with them in her typical, no-holds-barred style.



There are of course other books that are worthwhile, but these 4 should be at the top of the list for most couples.  It works best if both spouses read them, and that can even be a date night thing, but even if they are read by only one spouse they will be beneficial.

We hold that the glory of God is intelligence, and the church stresses life long learning.  Certainly God is perfectly knowledgeable in this area.  It may mean stepping out of your comfort zone as it did for me, but the blessings of learning the skills of marriage may be result in the greatest blessings of your life.

What's the word on oral sex?

This is a topic I approach knowing there is a risk of creating more heat than light.  Please keep in mind as you read this that my remarks here are my own personal understanding.  You are free to reject what I say here, and I actually hope nobody here blindly takes my word on anything I post but searches for confirmation from the highest authority.

Oral sex, both in the form of fellatio (ie: a woman orally pleasuring a man) or cunnilingus (a man orally pleasuring a woman), is nothing new.  Many Bible scholars say that Songs of Solomon 2:3 and 4:16 are alluding to oral sex, and although that book has a somewhat questionable status to us, it does at least suggest that ancient Jews and Christians were OK with the idea of oral sex.

Over the past several decades oral sex has become something talked about far more openly than in the past, and it is far more frequently referred to in popular media as a pleasurable act both men and women normally desire and even expect. It is not considered an uncommon act and I expect the percentage of married Mormons who have oral sex to be about the same as for married non-Mormons, at least among the younger generations of married couples.

There is no question that oral sex is a sexual act though, and any unmarried couple who engage in it are in violation of the law of chastity.  There is sometimes a question in the minds of some Latter-Day Saints however if this is also off limits for a married couple.

"The Letter"

In the entire history of the church, there has been one (and only one) time where oral sex has been referred to, and unfortunately that one reference was mistaken to be a doctrinal position of the church.  I believe that looking at what was said in context should lead to a different conclusion.

The document in question is a January 1982 letter from The First Presidency to all Stake, Mission, and District Presidents, plus Branch Presidents and Bishops.  The letter is two pages long and its purpose was to provide guidelines for leaders conducting worthiness interviews, not specifically to address any sexual questions.  I will not provide a link to the the letter since these days it can only be found on websites hostile toward the church, who use it to mock the church over the following part:

When interviewing married persons, the one doing the interviewing should scrupulously avoid indelicate inquiries which may be offensive to the sensibilities of those being interviewed.

Married persons should  understand that if in their marital relations they are guilty of unnatural, impure, or unholy practices, they should not enter the temple unless and until they repent and discontinue any such practice.  Husbands and wives who are aware of these requirements can determine by themselves their standing before the Lord.  All of this should be conveyed without having priesthood leaders  focus upon intimate matters which are a part of husband and wife relationships.  Skillful interviewing and counseling can occur without discussion of clinical details by placing firm responsibility on individual members of the Church to put their lives in order before exercising the privilege of entering a house of the Lord.  The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.  If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it.  (Letter from The First Presidency, Jan 5, 1982)

Unfortunately a lot of church leaders had a knee-jerk reaction that lead them asking couples what they were doing in the bedroom, and also counseling them that oral sex was a sin.  News of this reached The First Presidency and on October 15th there was another letter stating:

In conducting worthiness interviews you should follow carefully the instructions contained in our letter of January 5, 1982.  Also, you should never inquire into the personal, intimate matters involving marital relations between a man and his wife.   You should never deviate from or go beyond the specific questions contained in the temple recommend book.  If in the course of such interviews a member asks questions about the propriety of specific conduct, you should not pursue the matter but should merely suggest that if the member has enough anxiety about the propriety f the conduct to ask about it, the best course would be to discontinue it.  (Letter from The First Presidency, Oct 15, 1982)

What it means and what it doesn't

There is still the lingering belief among many that the church views oral sex as morally wrong because of these letters.  I would dispute that for the following reasons:

The first letter specifically states that their negative view on oral sex is their interpretation.  They do not claim it to be revelation, inspiration, church policy or anything other than their own interpretation.  Their interpretation is partly the product of their upbringing and cultural environment of their generation in that location. 

This was also something mentioned once in passing in a letter to certain leaders of the church and never taught to the body of the church.  Given that the church has no qualms over condemning masturbation, homosexual behaviour, fornication, immodest dress, and other socially accepted immoralities I would expect them to also be vocal about oral sex being immoral, if in fact we had some indication from God that it was.  Instead we have total silence on the question, and priesthood leaders being directed to not get into asking about it.  Even in Handbook 1 and 2 say nothing beyond what is in the second letter and I expect a great many of you reading this had never even heard of the first letter. 

Also, the first letter emphasizes that husbands and wives "can determine by themselves their standing before the Lord" and that the responsibility is on individual members.  In other words, couples are to determine between themselves and God where the boundaries should be in their relationship.  It doesn't make sense to give that instruction, then go contrary to it laying out a rule for all couples.  It does make sense however to see what they said on oral sex as an example of them following that counsel, and by so doing coming to that interpretation.  This is not a church however that is governed by the interpretations of men, and doctrine is not established by a one time opinion expressed in a letter that wasn't even to the church as a whole.  What they said deserves respectful consideration, but we are not obligated to adopt their interpretation.

So, I feel it is perfectly accurate to say that the members of The First Presidency back then held as their own view that oral sex was unnatural etc., but I do not consider it accurate at all to say that the position of the church was the same.  As far as I can tell, the church has no official position on oral sex now, and never has in the past either. 

A Definite Maybe

So, is oral sex an immoral act that every married couple should abstain from?  If you need an answer to that, you will need to seek it for yourself.  No such revelation has come to the church and I wouldn't expect it to.  If you personally feel this is something God doesn't want you to do, you need to go with that, but don't project on to God any personal inhibitions or feelings you may have about it.

Does that mean oral sex is perfectly OK for you and your spouse to do?  Perhaps, perhaps not.  It does mean however that you and your spouse should only go ahead with if you both are comfortable with doing it, and if you both feel that God is OK with you taking that path.  One couple may reach one conclusion, and another couple may reach another.  Not everything is one size fits all.

In my opinion (and I stress that this is my opinion), I do not feel it is inherently wrong within the boundaries of marriage.  God made more than one kind of tree, one kind of flower, one kind of fruit.  He gave us a world filled with variety, and likewise I don't think God requires us to limit ourselves to one form of intimacy.  For some elderly couples, people with disabilities or other conditions, oral sex may be the only form of intimacy they can enjoy.  Some women are only able to reach orgasm through oral stimulation. It fulfills the divine purpose intimacy has of bonding the husband and wife to each other.

But even without moral objections there may still be valid reasons for a couple to not include this act in their lives.  It is not unusual for somebody to be uncomfortable with the idea of oral sex for reasons that have nothing to do with morality and sin.  Hygienic concerns are common even though you expose yourself to more germs, bacteria etc. by kissing.  Body image or negative associations of oral sex with something undesirable can create inhibitions.  The idea may simply be a turn off, or it may be an act linked to past traumatic experiences they do not want to have re-triggered.

Pushing a spouse to participate in something sexual that they are not comfortable with, no matter what act it is, is abusive.  No intimate experience should pleasure one spouse at the expense of the emotional peace and well being of the other.  At the same time, choosing to overcome needless inhibition to become a better lover for your spouse is a very loving thing. 

It is also not a good thing to make one's happiness in their marriage dependent on a spouse's willingness to engage in oral sex.  Who you are intimate with is far, far more important than what form that intimacy takes, as long as there is intimacy.  A lack of oral sex may be a cause for a mild case of unsatisfied curiosity or longing, but it should never be a source of conflict in a marriage.  Don't let such a minor thing be a crack Satan can place his wedge in and hammer away at your marriage.

Fight For Your Marriage Part 4: Delivery

Read Part 1,  Part 2 and Part 3  first if you haven't yet.  

Now comes the hard part.  Actually bringing up the topic and delivering the message you need to send.  There are a number of different options and you will have to make a judgement call on what works best.  You may find your first choice to be not as effective as you hoped and switch to something else, but don't stop trying.

Just remember that you must not make them feel accused, blamed, judged, or threatened with any kind of consequence.  The objective is to develop mutual understanding so mutually satisfying solution can be found.  You two are a team, not opponents.

Rhetorical Tools

There are a few rhetorical tools that will help to get your message across in a positive way.  These can be used no matter what method is use to communicate.  These tools are:

Feel Statements
Anytime you feel inclined to make an accusation or lay blame, change it to a feel statement.  A feel statement describes the effect on you that their behaviour has.  For example:

"When you refuse to be intimate with me saying you are too tired, and then spend the next hour watching TV, I feel like you were not honest with me, avoiding me, and don't care how I feel."

That sounds a lot better than saying "You lie to me to avoid being intimate with me and don't care how I feel".  With a feel statement the only objection they can make is to claim they don't recall doing such a thing.  You may need to remind them of specifics.  

With an accusation you create a confrontation and force them to go on the defensive which will make it a lot harder to make progress.  A feel statement gives them an opening to explain what their thinking is, what their motives and reasons are.  When they do that it could drastically change your perspective, or make them aware of how their actions are impacting you.

Emotional Word Pictures
Emotional word pictures are a very useful way to help somebody relate to the feelings you have about something by comparing it to an emotional situation they already relate to.  You paint for them a picture with your words that evokes in them the emotions you want them to connect with what you are trying to explain to them.  To do that you need to know them well enough to know what kind of situation would have that kind of impact on them (even though it may not have that kind of emotional impact on you).

Say for example your spouse just can't understand why being refused for sex causes you to feel hurt (after all, it wouldn't hurt their feelings), but they have a great empathy for the feelings of little children.  You could say something like:

"Imagine you are a 2 year old and it's Sunday and you've been in Nursery for 2 hours.  You mother comes into the room and you are so happy to see her you run to her to give her a big hug, but she steps back and puts out her hand to stop you and says she doesn't feel like being hugged.  How do you think that child would feel, how do you think that child would feel if that happened a lot of the time?  That is like how I feel when you refuse my advances.'

By setting up a situation they relate to on an emotional level, then comparing it to a similar situation they don't relate to, they can come to understand things from your perspective better.

Questions
Once on my mission my companion knocked on a door and woman answered and  quickly turned us down, saying she was Catholic.  I suddenly asked her why she was a Catholic.  I hadn't planned on doing anything like that, the question just came out.  I felt I had been rude but she took the question seriously and hesitantly replied it was probably because she was raised Catholic.  I then asked (again without having planned to do this) if that was a good reason to be Catholic or not.  I could tell this was a question she had never asked herself, and after a pause she said it wasn't.  We invited her again to hear our message and although she turned us down again, you could tell it was because she needed time to think about our exchange.  Perhaps later on other missionaries got to teach her.

Questions are powerful tools you can use to get your spouse to look inside themselves and figure out what their own motives, beliefs and objectives that create their behaviour.  A lot of what they do may be nothing more than an unthinking habit, like that woman's Catholic faith.  Questions like:  What do you gain from that behaviour?  How would you feel if you acted this way instead?  What do you think needs to change? can get them to look inside themselves and open up to you.  Be sure to ask yourself the same kinds of questions.

Repetition
When there is something that is hard to wrap your head around, you need to hear it a few times before you really get it.  The mind has patterns of thinking about things that can be like a mental rut.  Even if someone manages to get out of the rut after a conversation, they can easily slip back into the same rut the next day.  It takes time and repetition to replace an old rut with a better rut.  It takes time and repetition to replace an old rut with a better rut.

Methods of Communication

Different methods of communication have different levels of 'richness' to them.  For example, written communication doesn't convey facial expression, tone of voice, or the emotion of the writer as easily as a face to face conversation does, so it doesn't have the richness of the a live conversation.  There are benefits and drawbacks with every method.  We'll start with the least rich methods and work our way up the scale.

Texts
Texting is a great way to send a short, quick message of affection, praise or gratitude to your spouse.  It is a terrible way of trying to explain complex emotions and work through challenges, don't even try to use it for that, but do send your spouse texts that affirm your feelings for them or uplift them in other ways.  It can also be used to set up a time later on for a conversation, chat or call.

There is nothing wrong with sending your spouse highly erotic texts, including photos or videos of a sexual nature if you dare, as long as you know your spouse will respond positively to them.  If you do this I would strongly recommend that you use one of the many apps out there for couples that helps to ensure the privacy of your messages and also helps prevent anything accidentally being sent to the wrong person. 

Email / Written letter
The written word can be an extremely effective communication tool and you may want to consider it as the first option to try.  You can take as much time as you need to compose your message and put lots of thought and prayer into how you phrase things.  You can make sure you hit all the points you want to hit and don't have to worry about being sidetracked by a remark from your spouse.  You can sleep on it after writing it, pray for guidance in writing it and for and confirmation that it is ready before you send it.  Your spouse can read it on their schedule and take time to think about things before either sending a reply or having a conversation.  This can all help keep things from getting out of hand emotionally and it makes it much easier to avoid or handle passive aggressive behaviors like denial,  blame shifting, revising history, guilt trips, and avoidance.

On the downside, sometimes the depth of emotion doesn't come across in the written word, likewise for humor or sarcasm or just the tone of the message.  Words can be misunderstood, mail could be ignored and left unread.  You may get a reply that is a emotional reaction rather than the result of thoughtful consideration. 

For some people, a handwritten letter caries more weight than a typed letter or email.  If you are giving them a written letter, it may be best to deliver it in person, and ask them face to face to read it and get back to you after thinking about it, and follow up in a few days asking if they have read it yet.

Online Chat
Online chats are a bit better than texting or sending mail as you get quicker feedback, but it is still a written form of communication and prone to the same weaknesses as letters and texting.  On top of that, while you can take a bit of time to think about your response to something, you can't take too long.  I it also more prone the the challenges that come with a face to face conversation.  You might as well go with a phone call or face to face conversation.

Phone / Video Call
A phone or video call is nearly the same as a face to face conversation, both in terms of advantages and challenges.  It is still preferable in most cases for there to physical proximity though.  If talking face to face, or waiting until it's possible to get together to do that is not practical, or if you feel unsafe having these kinds of discussion in the physical presence of your spouse than this is a good substitute for getting together.

Face to Face Conversation
This is the richest form of communication, and also the most challenging.  You won't be able to avoid it however, at some point you are going to have a heart to heart talk with your spouse.

Obviously this should happen in a private setting where there is ample time to talk.  In the evening together in the bedroom works for most people.  You can use physical touch to help keep the situation calmer.  Cuddle up to your spouse, or hold them, or just hold their hand.  Physical contact releases the bonding hormone Oxytocin putting you both in a better frame of mind for such a conversation.  Starting with a prayer wouldn't hurt either.

You need to think through what you are going to say ahead of time, have a plan.  Be prepared with the messages you intend to deliver and for likely objections.  If you need to, you can make some point form notes to cover but it may work better if you can avoid that.  You will need to open up to your spouse and don't be afraid to let you feelings show a bit. Saying something hurts you but looking like everything is fine can undermine the message.  Don't exaggerate or fake anything though, and don't let your emotions get in way of delivering your message.

Don't leave them feeling like they've been taken to the woodshed.  Express your love, appreciation, desire and respect for them and be sure to frame the conversation as the two of you working together on a common goal.  You need their help, they need yours. Express your needs as simple statements of fact, not demands or expectations.

In spite of your best efforts, the conversation may reach a point where there is contention and things are too heated.  Or it may just be going on for too long.  You may have to end the conversation for a time, and either go back to it later (the next night or soon after) or change methods and write them a letter instead.  In some cases it may be helpful to have such conversations in the presence of a professional marriage counselor who can help keep things on track and defuse harsh emotions so the conversation can continue to be productive.

One of the hardest things about having a face to face conversation is how easily the discussion can get sidetracked or bogged down in side issues.  If your spouse is bringing up concerns, don't shut them down to plow ahead with what you want to say, but don't let the conversation drift into unproductive areas. 

Your spouse may react in a defensive way, denying there is a problem or denying their acted in certain ways.  They may try to shift the blame to you, saying that their misbehavior is a result of something you did wrong.  They might claim events happened in a different way than you recall, or try to make you feel guilty for hurting their feelings by starting such conversation.

It can be hard to not get distracted by any of these and it may take some practice.  Don't apologize for trying to make your marriage better, don't apologize for seeking mutual sexual fulfillment (it is a righteous desire after all)  or for taking on the emotionally difficult task of addressing the issues rather than risk the marriage by ignoring them.  Do apologize for anything you've done that has contributed to the problem, but don't accept it as an excuse for their actions.  Be clear in your mind about past events.  You may need to point out (with kindness) when the same kinds of things happen again in the moment it happens if they have trouble believing they acted as you described.

Something else that may come up is them claiming they have a need to not fulfill your need.  If that happens, dig deeper.  What is it about your need that makes it something they feel they need to avoid?  If they went and fulfilled your need what would the cost be to them?  If you can get below the surface you can find the real need.  For example:

    Wife:  I need to limit having sex to once a week at most.

    Husband:  If we had sex 3 times in a week, how would that affect you negatively?

    Wife:  I would lose too much sleep and be tired all the time.  I usually don't orgasm so you leave me all wound up and I can't get to sleep for hours after and it is so frustrating.

    Husband:  If we had sex three times a week and you had an orgasm each time so you slept well, would there be a problem.

    Wife:  No, that would be great, but it doesn't happen like that.

    Husband:  Would you be willing to look for a way to make it like that?  I would love to give you orgasms every time.  Can you help me give you that?

The same situation could have a variety of causes, her issue could have been that having sex gave her needless feeling of guilt, or was physically painful, or doing it that often was something she considered being carnal, or some other reason.  The point is to get down to what is really needed.  The same goes for all needs, for both of you, look deep inside and see what is driving those needs, then you are in a position to find solutions you are both happy with.

Lastly, understand that this is not a one time thing, it is a long term project.  It will take several conversations before things start change.  You'll likely have to address the same concerns and objections a number of times.  As long as there is positive communication, there is progress being made.  The hardest part is at the beginning.  Once there is some progress it will fuel the desire and faith to go further.  But even after you reach the point where your intimate life is wonderful, you will both still have to fight for your marriage, but by then you'll have learned to fight together and that makes a world of difference.

Fight For Your Marriage Part 3: More Messages

Read Part 1  and Part 2  first if you haven't yet.  

There is little point talking with your spouse about improving the marriage sexually if they do not see any benefit in it. So before proceeding to send the messages below, make sure you have addressed any pushback from the first set of messages.  Your spouse doesn't need to be fully convinced on every point before proceeding, but they do need to have a level of hope that a better marriage is possible and desirable. As Alma taught, hope can lead to faith enough to try, and by trying one can come to know that something is good.

Message 5:  You are willing to make changes that will improve the marriage.

Pushback:  You change your need for sex.

Think you are the perfect spouse?  You are not.  There are things you do, or things you have done in the past, that contribute to the current situation.

If your spouse sees this effort to improve the marriage as you putting all the blame on them and only requiring them to make changes to suit you, then you can expect a lot of resistance and defensiveness.  Accept that you will need to make changes too, even if right now you have no idea what those changes need to be.

We look at our spouse's actions through the lens of our past experience, and they do the same with us.  This can cause words and actions to be misunderstood, we can wrongly attribute motives to their actions because we assume they have the kind of motives would cause us to do those things. 

Often we need our spouse to point out areas where we harm intimacy in our marriage.  Is there something in how we attempt to initiate intimacy that is offensive to them?  Is there something important to them we are failing to take into consideration?  Is there some past hurt we have not done enough to heal?  Talk with your spouse, find out what is going on in their head and heart as best you can to see where you need to improve.

Don't be surprised if their feelings about some things are very different from yours, and don't assume that since they don't feel the same as you that they are somehow wrong to feel that way.  They have their reasons and you don't get to decide how somebody feels.  You can try to come to understand why they feel that way if you keep talking, and you can share with them why you feel as you do.  When there is better understanding, it is easier to know what changes should be made.


Not all changes are for the better however.  A typical defensive reaction is having your spouse say that if you are willing to change, then change your desire for more sex and stop bothering them about this.  Not only is this unfeasible on the biological level (at least, not without physical or chemical mutilation), it is also a request to accommodate something contrary to God's intentions for a married couple. 

The yardstick for sorting out a good change from a bad change is fairly straightforward.  Any change  that brings you and your spouse closer to each other and closer to God is good.  Any change that seeks to accommodate separation or holding on to unChristlike characteristics rather than overcoming them is not a good change to make.


Related Post: Facing the need to change

Message 6:  There are beneficial changes they can make.

Pushback:   You are never satisfied / it is too much, so why try?

Chances are you have some specific changes that you feel would greatly improve your marriage if your spouse would make them.  Just as you may need your spouse to tell you where you can improve, you need to tell your spouse where you would like them to change.

Doing this in an accusatory or demanding way will be very counterproductive.  You don't want to make this into a case of you verses your spouse.  Rather than resort to blame and accusatory remarks, help your spouse see the situation through your eyes by using feel statements.  Feel statement are not about your spouse, they are about you, how you react to certain things.  For example:

• When I want to make love with you but you refuse me to watch TV instead it makes me feel very unloved because you put a TV show ahead of me.
• If you would read this book I feel it would really help improve our relationship.
• If we made love more often I feel we would both be a lot happier together.
• When you won't come to counseling with me I feel like you don't care if our marriage survives or not.

In the course of doing this you might learn that they have motives you never considered, and that may change the direction of the conversation, but the important point here is that if you want something to change, you can't expect them to just read your mind and know how you are feeling about their actions.

It is best to move forward a step at a time.  If a spouse feels overwhelmed by you wanting a large number of changes, or a change that take them way outside their comfort zone, then it may seem futile for them to even try.  Be sensitive to their needs, including their need to feel that you value what they already do, have faith in them, and love them for who they are now.

Related Posts: Moving towards sexual fulfillment - Part 1 - Part 2

Message 7:  Better sexual satisfaction for us will improve our relationship

Pushback:   We've been doing just fine. 

A marriage takes two people, so the quality and strength of that relationship depends on the combination of how each of them feel.  If one spouse is content with things as they are, and the other is not, there is a weakness in the relationship.  If your spouse thinks things are just fine, but you are hurting, you need to help them understand that things are not as fine as they think.


Sexual satisfaction is not the sole determining factor of a marriage's strength, but it is a major one, and as President Kimball said, most divorces boil down to a couple not getting along sexually.

When both spouses are happy with their sexual relationship there are far reaching positive effects in many other areas..  There will be less conflict, greater peace of mind, and a greater sense of closeness. Hurts become rarer and more easily healed.  Each spouse will feel more of being loved, accepted and respected and less of being tolerated, judged or marginalized.

Women tend to develop a greater ability to enjoy sex and reach orgasm, a stronger feeling of safety and security in the future of the relationship, a more active libido, and fewer body image worries.

Men tend to open up emotionally to their wife more easily, desire to spend more time together outside the bedroom, see their wife's beauty more clearly, go further out of their way to serve and please their partner, and help with housework more.

Both have a greater strength to resist sexual temptations (including pornography), more confidence, do better in their careers, endure trials with greater faith and patience, feel greater gratitude to God and each other, feel greater joy overall, are more likely to keep temple covenants, and truly want to be together for eternity.  Children are more likely to have successful marriages of their own as adults.

 'Fine' is a low standard compared to what a couple can enjoy together.


Related Post: Magical Thinking

Message 8:  Refusing to address this puts the marriage at risk.

Pushback:   You are exaggerating.

Hopefully, you won't need to make this point, but if if you do, do not make it sound even remotely like some kind of threat to leave if they don't co-operate.  You must come at this from the position of being concerned about the future of the marriage so you are seeking to work together with your spouse to make sure things never get that bad.

How bad can it get?  Just imagine the opposite of the blessings listed above.  A home filled with conflict, a lack of peace of mind, feeling disconnected emotionally from each other, hurts that just pile up, feeling your spouse only tolerates you, judges you harshly, and doesn't care about your feelings.  Women tend to shut down sexually, fear divorce is coming, feel ugly and depressed.  Men close up emotionally, avoid being around their wife and bury themselves in other pursuits.  Both are more vulnerable to temptation, struggle more spiritually, and question if they actually want to be together forever.

It is a dark, lonely, depressing, sad place for a marriage to be.  If yours is already there it is not too late, but it will likely require some professional counseling to climb out of that hole.

If your marriage is not at that point, and your spouse is content with things as they are, they may need you to gently show them how the marriage looks through your eyes.  Are some of those negative outcomes listed above already present, or do you feel some of them could come about in the short term?  It might really shake them up to come to realize the situation, they might go into denial for a time, but always take the stance of trying to enlist their help rather than blame them.  The sooner you change course the easier it will be, and the longer you'll have to enjoy the blessings.  Don't make the mistake of thinking things will somehow change on their own.  Fight for your marriage.


Related Post: Is sex really that important?


Now that you've prepared yourself, and know what message you need to send and what kind of pushback to expect, the last thing to cover is how best to send these messages to your spouse.  We will cover that in the next post.

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Click here for Part 4 (the final part)

Fight For Your Marriage Part 2: Messages

Read Part 1 first if you haven't yet.

Once you have prepared yourself to fight for your marriage, you need to take action.  In this case you need to deliver a number of messages to your spouse.

These message may be hard for them to wrap their head around.  They may run contrary to how they have always thought and how they have been taught and raised.  You will likely get some pushback on a number of them.  If you do, you will need to stand your ground lovingly and without apology.  Even if your spouse doesn't voice any objections, they may just be holding their tongue so you may want to address those points even if they are not raised.

The messages below are the ones that need to be delivered first and I've included the kind of pushback you are likely to get. You spouse may raise the same objections a number of time and when they do you will need to repeat your messages.  Eventually, even if they don't agree they will reach a point where they see the difference between what they think you are saying and what you are really saying. You do not necessarily need to deliver these messages in the order presented here, but together they lay the foundation for the messages I'll cover in the next post.  Pray for guidance in doing this and also listen for the messages your spouse is trying to send you.

Message 1:  I want a marriage that includes mutual sexual satisfaction.

Pushback:   You just want to satisfy yourself and don't care about my feelings.

This is where you try to get them to see your vision of what the marriage could be, and point out how it is different from what they may think your vision is.  You need to convince your spouse that your motives are not selfish.  If they feel you are only seeking your own pleasure, you won't get very far.  They have to know that you want their happiness as well and you are willing to make changes too.   Make sure you talk about 'we' and 'us' and 'our marriage', not about yourself.

Related post: Intimacy lessons from a jar of peanut butter 

Message 2:  It is a righteous desire.

Pushback:   You are being carnal and lustful.


God married Adam and Eve before the Fall, before sin.  He commanded them to cleave to each other and become one flesh, not push each other way and maintain barriers.  Paul taught that "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled" (Heb 13:4) and that a married couples should not defraud their spouse out of what marriage should include (1Cor 7:1-5).  The Bible says "let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love." (Prov 5:19)  Many latter-day prophets and apostles have made the point that the sexual desires man and woman feel toward each other are from God, to guide us into marriage and family and unite husband and wife.

Sometimes overzealous local church leaders, inhibited parents, or other factors can create in others  a distorted view of human sexuality that says any sexual feelings should be repressed and any sexual expression should be minimized, even within marriage.  This is wrong, we are told to bridle our passions.  That means we harness them and put them to productive and appropriate use, just as a bridle enables man to harness the power of a horse.  We don't let them run free, and we don't hunt them down and kill them.

It is not carnal or lustful to feel sexual desire.  How somebody reacts to those feelings may be carnal or lustful though.  If they put their own gratification ahead of keeping the commandments of God, that would be carnal and lustful, but feeling sexual desire or having sexual thoughts for your own spouse is not at odds with God's commands.  The desire to unite with one's spouse is a desire to do something God wants married couples to do.  Linda S. Reeves, Second Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency said in the April 2014 General Conference:

 The intimate marriage relationship between a man and a woman that brings children into mortality is also meant to be a beautiful, loving experience that binds together two devoted hearts, unites both spirit and body, and brings a fullness of joy and happiness as we learn to put each other first.

Satan seems to have two ways to use sex as a weapon.  One tactic is to get people to be promiscuous and break the law of chastity.  The other tactic is to turn what should be a source of joy in marriage into a source of heartbreak and conflict.  The Lord's way is for a man and woman to save themselves for marriage, and then enjoy together the passion and pleasure and joy of a mutually fulfilling intimate relationship.

Related Post: Spreadsheets and Bedsheets

Message 3:  Our marriage needs it.

Pushback:   You can live just fine without it, it is only a want.

We tend to think of needs in terms of what we need to remain alive, but survival is not the objective in marriage, oneness is.  While it is true that people do not die from a lack of sex, it is also true that many marriages do.  President Spencer W. Kimball said:

If you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are one, two, three, four reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason.

If the intimate relationship in a marriage is not a happy one, then the longevity of the marriage is at risk.  Even if divorce seems silly at the present, the accumulation of hurt and frustration can turn love cold and ferment into anger given enough time.  A spouse who feel unwanted is more vulnerable to temptations.  They can't shift the blame for any wrong they do onto their spouse, but what sense is there for somebody to make it harder for their spouse to do the right thing when they have the option to make it easier instead?

You can think of intimacy as being the food that sustains a marriage.  A variety of well balanced meals served frequently is ideal.  Throw in some snacks and deserts and special treats.  Have feasts, celebrations, quick and simple meals to go when time is short.  Now and then try a new dish. How much healthier is a marriage like that compared to one where a crust of bread periodically interrupts  a famine?

Related Post: Is having sex a need or a want?

Message 4:  It is possible.

Pushback:   I'm not not a sexual person. /  I'm 'broken' that way.


We like to think that making love comes naturally, but the truth is that for a couple to achieve mutual satisfaction they must both become students of their spouse's body and heart and mind and likewise become their spouse's teacher on the topic of their own body and heart and mind.  If a spouse doesn't understand this and leaves their spouse ignorant of the best ways to please them (or teaches them wrongly by faking it) they can get to a point where they think there must be something fundamentally wrong with themselves sexually.  They can come to see themselves as 'broken' or 'not one of the lucky ones' or 'being sexual just isn't who I am'.

If your spouse says things like that when discussing the messages above or at other times, you need to help them find the faith to try.  Don't push them from behind, encourage them and lead them.

God wants all his children to be happy and He will be there to help.  It may seem odd at first, but there is nothing wrong with praying to God to help your sexual relationship with your spouse.  It also helps to de-personalize past problems.  Nothing is inherently wrong with either of you, you both just didn't have all the right information and skills you needed and that can be changed if you work together.

It is not wrong to seek out information from trustworthy sources to help overcome obstacles.  My wife and I were greatly blessed by Laura Brotherson's book 'And They Were Not Ashamed'.  Other good books on marriage exist as well, many of them focusing on some specific aspect.  Don't be too embarrassed to buy and read such books (alone or as a couple), there is nothing wrong with learning how to be a better lover of your spouse, there is no shame in seeking professional counseling or medical help if that is needed to move forward.  Whatever challenge a couple has, others have already had it and there are resources and information to help.

Related Post: Fear, the intimacy killer


When you are at the point where your spouse understands that your goal includes their happiness, and it is a good and important thing that you can achieve, then you are ready to move on to the next set of messages.  After that I'll go over some strategies for how to deliver those messages.

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Click here for Part 3

Fight For Your Marriage Part 1: Preparation

The comments on my previous post reminded me of the time I started seeking to improve my marriage.  It also reminded me of conversations I've had with a friend in a similar situation years later, and many posts and comments I've seen in other marriage blogs and discussion boards.

In all these cases one spouse realized that their marriage needed to improve in the area of intimacy, and the other spouse was pushing back and opposed to the very idea.  Either somebody had to fight for their marriage to make it better, or just give up and accept things as they were and hope the hurt and disappointment didn't turn to resentment and anger, or lead to worse consequences.

I believe that fighting for your marriage is the right thing to do, and this blog is mostly about doing just that. I've talked about individual pieces of what fighting for your marriage includes but now I feel it's time to pull it together.  Although this is written from the perspective of resolving intimacy issues in the marriage, the same principles apply to other situations with a little adaption.

If you are in this situation and ready to fight for a better marriage than you have now, then you should first prepare yourself in these areas:

Vision
You need a vision of what your marriage could and should be.  I don't mean a dramatic revelation from God, but you need a picture in your head of what it is you want to work towards.  Chances are your spouse has a picture of that in their head too.  They may be as unhappy about things as you, just for different reasons.  The challenge will be to find a picture you agree on, then make it a reality as much as possible.  For now you need to start off with clarifying a picture of your own.

Faith
Joseph Smith said in Lectures on Faith that "it is faith, and faith only, which is the moving cause of all action".  Fighting for your marriage will not be easy.  There will be emotional pain, tears, frustration.  If you do not have faith that it will lead to something better you will not put in enough effort to accomplish what you want.  You need faith that God will help you, and faith that there is a way to move towards your vision.

Know who the enemy is... and is not
It's sometimes easy to see your spouse as the cause of hurt and pain then cast them as the enemy.  That isn't reality however, Satan is the enemy, and what better way can he destroy a marriage than to get spouses to see each other as the villain and forget about him?

Your spouse is your team mate.  They may not be as much of an asset to the team as they could be, but the same could probably be said for you as well.  The point is you can't go into this with the idea of 'defeating' your spouse.  You either win together or you lose together.

Part of your objective is to find a way to work together as a team.  If you are attacking them, criticizing them, complaining, and rubbing their face in their perceived failures, whey would they want to be on the same team as you?

Joseph Smith wrote in a letter to the Church:

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile— (D&C 121:41-42)

Note that he didn't just say it was a bad idea, he said that you can not maintain any kind of influence in somebody's life through authoritarian means.  It is impossible in the long run.  Seeing your spouse as your team mate rather than your enemy will help you treat them as those verses outline.  Fight the real enemy instead.

Related posts

Intimacy lessons from a jar of peanut butter  

When you just don't feel like it

How to grow your love for your spouse

Let us oft speak kind words

Live the gospel 
The best way to fight Satan is to live the gospel as best you can.  That's right, go to church (and the temple), read the scriptures, pray and keep the commandments.  Don't brush that off as trite or simplistic.  A wise Bishop of mine once said that other than receiving ordinances like the sacrament, the purpose of any church meeting is to receive revelation, those quiet whispers of the Spirit reminding us of something we should do.  It can also happen while read the scriptures, but if our lives our out of harmony with the gospel we block God's inspiration.

You can not change somebody's heart, but God can.  You need His help and His inspiration.  Through faith and righteousness you can draw on the powers of heaven and gain access to the gifts of the Spirit.  Living the gospel will also increase your faith and your capacity to love.

When you pray, don't pray like you are leaving a voice mail message for God.  Talk with Him, tell him not just what you want but why you want it.  Tell him what you plan to do, how you feel and what made you feel that way.  Don't tell him what you think He wants you to say, say what you really mean, and even cry on His shoulder.  Plead your case.  He knows what you are feeling, He won't rob you of the growth you get from overcoming by giving you some instant fix, but He will help. 

Un-Christlike behaviour and attitudes are at the root of all relationship issues.  The more Christlike you can become, the better off your marriage is even if nothing else changes.

Related posts

Soul mates, by choice

Sexuality and Spirituality

Have righteous motives
When your spouse pushes back, one thing they may do is call your motives into question.  You need to make sure your motives are well thought out and in harmony with the gospel so you are ready to answer such accusations by clearly explaining why you are pursuing this.

Don't just focus on the external and immediate pain point. If you frame your objective as having sex more often with your spouse, you may want to re-think that.  That only looks at what you want, with no consideration for your spouse's feelings or needs.  Your spouse will sense you ulterior, selfish motive and refuse to co-operate, or pursue a selfish motive of their own to further limit intimacy with no regard for your feelings.  Each one is as bad as the other.

In theory you could have sex more often by resorting to bullying and manipulation but would that get you the kind of marriage you want?  No, and in the long run I expect you would find yourself alone if you did that. Having sex more often should not be the objective, the objective should be to have a mutually happy and fulfilling relationship.  One where you each have leaned how to find real joy in meeting each others needs.  An increase in sexual intimacy is only a side effect and the sexual relationship is only a portion of what makes a marriage happy and fulfilling for both spouses.

Related posts

Moving towards sexual fulfillment - Part 1

Moving towards sexual fulfillment - Part 2

Ground yourself in sound doctrine
Another area where push back occurs is over basic ideas and beliefs about sexuality.  You may have to push back against ideas like sex is a necessary evil, or intended only for reproduction, or that sexual desire for one's spouse is not in keeping with church standards, or having sex often is carnal, or that sexual desire is lust or that sex should not be that important.

It is important that you don't buy into such false ideas, or you will find yourself hard pressed to help your spouse overcome them.  Get it firmly settled in your heart that sex is a wonderful and divine gift from God and he is fully approving of married couples being intimate and enjoying, often.  There are many quotes from various General Authorities along those lines.

Some true teachings are misunderstood.  Passions are to be bridled, but sometimes that message is taken as they are to be repressed.  To bridal one's passions means they are harnessed so they can put to good use.  Never buy into the idea that you are somehow in the wrong to feel a desire for intimacy with your spouse.  Feeling sexual desire only becomes carnal or lustful if one puts their gratification above obedience to God.  The desire a spouse feels for their partner is neither carnal or lustful since it is a desire to do something righteous.  It is also an emotion God planted in the hearts of mankind to bring men and women together to be one flesh.  God command Adam and Eve to cleave to each other, not push each other away.

Related posts

Is sex really that important? 

Is having sex a need or a want?

Have realistic objectives  
Perfection is not going to happen in this world.  Our spouse won't be perfect, we won't be perfect, and our circumstances won't be perfect either.  Our objectives need to be realistic and this is an area where it is best to keep objectives vague and not attach an artificial deadline to them.  Feeling pressured destroys intimacy and can backfire by creating resentment and frustration and a lack of co-operation.  It is not a race, if things are moving in the right direction, be happy about it.  If they are not moving in the right direction, don't make it worse by over reacting.

There are a number of circumstances that will slow progress.  Negative emotions resulting from past sexual sins, growing up in a sex-negative home environment, and wrong teaching by well meaning local church leaders are things that can be dealt with but they can take some time.  Mental illness, other medical conditions, past sexual abuse or other traumatic experiences can be much harder to overcome, and might never be fully overcome in mortality.

They may take your effort to change things as a way of you saying you don't love them as they are and need to be reassured that you are trying to change things because you love them, not because you need them to change for you to love them.

Courage
How many times have you heard that contention is of the devil?  Probably a lot.  Let's take a closer look at that scripture:

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. (3 Nephi 11:29)

To me, a 'spirit of contention' is an attitude of looking for a fight, taking offense easily, and acting out in anger.  It is not like what Jude said when he told the early Christians to 'earnestly contend for the faith' (Jude 1:3).

You can not fight for your marriage without running into disagreements with your spouse, and having your spouse object and push back.  There will be times where you need to push back against what they say and stand your ground with courage, but you need to be able to 'earnestly contend', not 'contend with anger'.   No name calling, no lashing out.  Even with your deepest disagreements you need to remember that 'A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.' (Prov 15:1)

If you feel yourself getting angry, shelve the topic for another time.  If you tend toward the other end of the scale and avoid conflict even when you should not, you need to steel yourself for those moments where you have to take a stand.

Related posts

How to fight with your spouse (and why you should)

Humility 
It is easy to see how our partner needs to change, and also easy to be blind to how we need to change.  Are you being the best spouse you can be?  Are you meeting your husband's or wife's relationship needs well?  How do you know what their needs are?  Just because you are doing things the way you would like them done for you doesn't mean you are doing them the way your spouse needs them done. 

This isn't about 'fixing them' and if they feel it is that will lead them to push back.  It has to be about improving the marriage.  It is pretty rare for only one spouse to need to change to improve a marriage, so be prepared to listen and learn what you need to do for them.  Set the example by not pushing back and resisting change, even if they do.  Invite your spouse to help you become better and they won't feel like this is a one way street.

Related posts

Facing the need to change

Persistence and patience
Deeply engrained ideas can take time to change, especially when there are deep emotions that go with them.  Don't expect one brilliantly worded speech to change much.  You are going to have to repeat yourself several times, refute the same objections again and again before an old paradigm is replaced with a new one.  Don't get frustrated, just calmly and peacefully address the concern again.  Exercise faith that things will change and continue to pray for help and guidance.  Remember the parable of the unjust judge.

Charity and forgiveness

Last but not least, you must have charity towards your spouse.  1Cor 13:4-7 has a lot to say of charity.  It suffereth long and is kind.  It keeps one from 'acting unseemly' (lashing out, slamming doors, other immature and destructive behaviors).  A charitable person does not selfishly seek for just their own satisfaction without regard for others, doesn't take offense easily, and don't assume the worst of others.  In fact the key to being charitable is to assume the best, and not attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance or something else.

You also must not hold a grudge over any past offense.  If you do that you will not be able to do the things above. Forgiving somebody doesn't mean you pretend it never happened, it doesn't mean you don't still hurt over it, it doesn't mean you must extend the same trust as before, but it does mean that you let go of any desire for payback, any hostility toward the other person. 

To restore a relationship fully requires both forgiveness and reconciliation.  Forgiveness is something an offended person can give no matter what the offender does or does not do, but for there to be reconciliation the offender needs to act to fix what they broke.  That would include recognizing their error, feeling genuine regret for it that matches the seriousness of the offense, making a full confession, asking for forgiveness, making restitution and not doing it again.  The same steps we take when we reconcile ourselves to God through repentance.

That a lot of preparation, but you must start with that.  Next we'll discuss things you can do and how to do them.

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Click here for Part 2