Is your spouse's happiness your responsibility?

Prophets and apostles have counseled the members of the church a number of times that a married couple should each seek for the happiness of their spouse.

For example:
President Gordon B. Hinkley
True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of one’s companion. (link)

Elder Russel M Nelson
Harmony in marriage comes only when one esteems the welfare of his or her spouse among the highest of priorities. When that really happens, a celestial marriage becomes a reality, bringing great joy in this life and in the life to come. (link)

Elder Jeffery R. Holland
Find someone [to marry] ...who finds his or her happiness in your own. (link)

President Spencer W. Kimball
If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions.(link)

Does this mean that you are responsible for your spouse's happiness?  Are they responsible for yours?

In a way, yes you are...
The answer is 'Yes' in that we have a responsibility to do what we can to promote the happiness of our spouse, it is part of our stewardship as a spouse.  We should know (or find out) what our spouse needs to feel loved, happy and content with their life.  Not just with the marriage relationship, but in all areas of life.  If it is within our power to bring them greater happiness (without breaking commandments or laws of course), we should do it.

It may require us to make changes or sacrifices.  I may mean doing things you wouldn't normally do.  It may require gently helping your spouse overcome their challenges, or patiently waiting for the time they are ready to take that on.  It may just be giving them support and encouragement and expressing faith in them as they confront things you are not able to do anything about.  It can be giving them your best, honest counsel, forgiving them of their mistakes, and having compassion and charity toward them in their imperfections. It may mean seeking their forgiveness for things we've done.

Ideally it is supposed to be a two way street where your spouse does the same for you.  In practice that is not always the case, but even then it doesn't change our duty toward our spouse and their happiness.  When neither spouse seeks the happiness of the other there is a downward spiral that puts the marriage at serious risk.  If even only one spouse is seeking the happiness of the other, this is less likely to happen, and over time their example may rub off on their partner.

...and in another way, no you are not.
The answer is also 'No' in the sense that each person has the final responsibility for themselves.  Your obligation is to do you part to enable their happiness, after that it is up to them.  If there are mental health issues like depression, you may have to accept (at least for a time) that their unhappiness is not related to their circumstances in life and beyond your power to affect, other than to try and help them find an effective treatment plan.

As much as I wish I could remove every discomfort of any kind that my wife feels, it is not within my power to undo the Fall and make her world a Paradise.  I do what I can, and how she responds to the challenges she faces is her choice.  Likewise I am responsible for my happiness, and she is responsible for doing what she can to facilitate it.

If however the husband and wife are selfish, put seeking their interests first, treat their spouse with contempt, ridicule, verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, take them for granted, withhold help, comfort, support, encouragement, intimacy, or otherwise mistreat them or hedge up the way before them, then they make themselves responsible for the outcome of those actions and the damage they do to the marriage.

Nobody should be a hostage to their spouse's emotions, but they should be a help meet and partner.  And seeking the happiness of your spouse is very likely to result in a greater happiness for you than if you sought your own happiness above theirs.

Let us oft speak kind words...

What was the last thing your spouse said to you before you started reading this?  Can you remember it?  What was the last thing you said to your spouse?

For most couples, husbands and wives spend some time apart from each other most every day.  There is work, church meetings, going off to buy groceries and taking care of other chores. One thing I try to always remember is to never part from my wife without an expression of love.  Even at 5:50am as I quietly exit the bedroom to drive my daughter to seminary I softly whisper an 'I love you' to to her.  She might hear it, it might just sink into her dream in some way, or go totally unnoticed, but I say it.  If she is awake when I'm going somewhere I'll be sure to give her a kiss on my way out.

Part of it is just having an excuse to hold her in my arms for a bit and indulge in some osculation which is always a pleasure, but another part of it is that I want to be on her mind a bit when I'm not around.  I want her to always remember that I love her, that she means the world to me and it is easier to part from her is I share an intimate moment with her first.  Not to be morbid or overly dramatic, but should something happen to make it our last parting in mortality, I want her last memory of me (or mine of her) to be something loving.

Affection should not be saved for parting however.  Compliments, appreciation, affection, praise, and admiration should not be given out sparingly or grudgingly.  If you have only been saying 'I love you' to your spouse in response to them saying it first, then perhaps it is time to step up and show them that you think things like that without having to be prompted first. 

The more specific a compliment is, the more powerful it is.  I knew somebody who would frequently say 'You're the greatest!' to people he worked with, but it was so general and so over used that it came to mean very little to those he said it too.  If you are going to pay a compliment or give praise then name a specific quality of theirs, cite a specific thing they did or accomplished.

Even if you have to think long and hard to come up with an honest compliment for your spouse (and they must be honest) it is well worth the effort to do so.  The power of a kind word at the right time can be miraculous.  James said:

James 3: 4-5

Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things.

James was giving warning to the Saints of the strife that can result from poisonous words, but the principle works the other way around also.  The tongue has as much power to heal as it does to destroy.  Or in other words:

Let us oft speak kind words to each other

At home or where'er we may be;

Like the warblings of birds on the heather,

The tones will be welcome and free.

They'll gladden the heart that's repining,

Give courage and hope from above,

And where the dark clouds hide the shining,

Let in the bright sunlight of love. 

Oh, the kind words we give shall in memory live

And sunshine forever impart.

Let us oft speak kind words to each other;

Kind words are sweet tones of the heart.

       -- Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words, Hymn 232

Have you given your spouse a compliment today?  Have you told them you love them?  Have you praised anything about them or anything they've done lately?  If not, perhaps it is time to stop reading and go do it.  If you have, why not go do it again right now?