tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41430450576096976312024-03-13T06:10:03.529-07:00Latter-Day MarriageLatter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-73483902001062780502018-03-18T20:01:00.003-07:002018-03-21T17:17:10.942-07:00Masturbation Morality Myths<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In ages past people believed masturbation would lead to blindness, or hair growing of the palms of their hands. There are still to this day medical websites that work to refute those myths. That is not what this post is about. There are a number of myths within the church about the morality of masturbation that I am going to address here.<br />
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Before getting into that, I want to clear up some terminology. Common usage of the word masturbation is limited to an individual sexually pleasuring themselves, but the dictionary definition would also include a spouse manually stimulating their partner in foreplay. Because of this it is fairly common for church leaders to use the term 'self-abuse' rather than masturbation. Manual stimulation of one's partner in foreplay is not sinful. <br />
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Intent is also a a factor, as in any sin. If there is a medical purpose (for example, so a couple can conceive via IVF) then it is not sinful. For the purposes of this post I will use the word masturbation to refer to the act of deliberately stimulating one's own genitals to produce sexual pleasure, arousal and/or orgasm for the purpose of sexual self-gratification.<br />
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From past experience, I'm aware there are some members who are heavily vested in some of these myths, so I'm going to try and be as thorough as possible. If it seems like overkill please bear with it.<br />
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<b>Myth 1: Avoiding masturbation is just counsel, not a commandment.</b><br />
While it is true that there is not a specific condemnation of masturbation in scripture, our knowledge of God's commandments are not limited to that one source. In the October 1980 General Conference report is a speech by President Spencer W Kimball on morality. In it he says the following:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;"> Masturbation, a rather common indiscretion, is not approved of the Lord nor of his church, regardless of what may have been said by others whose “norms” are lower. Latter-day Saints are urged to avoid this practice. Anyone fettered by this weakness should abandon the habit before he goes on a mission or receives the holy priesthood or goes in the temple for his blessings. (<a href="https://www.lds.org/ensign/1980/11/president-kimball-speaks-out-on-morality?lang=eng&_r=1">link</a>)</span></blockquote>
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Some have taken this quote and focused only on certain small parts, like 'common indiscretion' and use that to argue that it is not a sin and we are not commanded against it. This overlooks the fact that every sin is an indiscretion. It also ignores that further on this same speech he specifically lists masturbation as one of a number of reprehensible sexual sins. <br />
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In this quote a prophet of the Lord, acting in his office as Prophet and as President of the church, clearly lays out that both the Lord, and the Church do not approve of it. This is not mere policy or council. To deliberately rebel and do something the Lord has disapproved of is sin. President Kimball was the only one in that day who could legitimately speak on behalf of the Lord and on behalf of the Church and here he does so in no uncertain terms.<br />
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This is by far the clearest and most authoritative speech against masturbation we have in modern times, and that is also the reason why when this topic comes up in church publications this talk is nearly always quoted. I will be referring back to this again further down in this post as 'the Kimball quote'.<br />
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It is not the only such declaration by prophets and apostles either. In the October 1983 General Conference President Benson, and President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles refers to self-abuse as being one of several sins that are 'like unto' adultery (link). Elder Boyd K. Packer delivered a talk specifically about masturbation in the October 1976 Priesthood Session of General Conference, and that talk was turned into a pamphlet that was in print for 40 years.<br />
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Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone in the April 1975 General Conference said:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;">Now, my young friends, and I am sorry to say, many adults, how about all those of you who have a masturbation problem?... We don’t have to buckle under Satan’s temptations. That urge does not have to be satisfied. (<a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1975/04/a-self-inflicted-purging?lang=eng">link</a>)</span></blockquote>
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Apostle Rudger Clawson recorded in 1902 that "Pres. Joseph F. Smith called it [masturbation] 'a most damnable and pernicious practice'. And if you want to go way back, in 1870 First Counselor George A. Smith called the practice evil.<br />
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<b>Myth 2: Masturbation is a violation of the Law of Chastity</b><br />
Because masturbation is a sexual sin, and was soundly condemned, and was often listed alongside other sexual sins that were violations of the Law of Chastity, some members including Bishops and Stake Presidents came to assume that masturbation was a violation of the Law of Chastity itself. <br />
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This lead to some of those struggling to overcome it feeling far more anguish than what the situation called for, or for local leaders to deal with such cases in ways that were perhaps too harsh.<br />
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Not every sexual sin is a violation of the Law of Chastity. To break the Law of Chastity one must have a sexual relationship with somebody else who is not their lawful spouse. Masturbation is a solo act, so while it is a sexual sin, it is not a violation of the Law of Chasity.<br />
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As far as I can tell the church never stated that masturbation was a violation of the Law of Chastity or treated it like one when there were no other sins of a more serious nature involved. <br />
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Currently the Church Handbook of Instructions (Handbook 1, Section 6.7.1) lists it as something that normally does not need the Bishop to call for a Disciplinary Council. Other wrongs that fall into that category are not paying tithing, or not living the Word of Wisdom, or using pornography. Bishops are free to handle the situation through informal discipline such providing counsel and warnings, or prohibiting them from taking the sacrament, entering the temple, or exercising their priesthood. Adultery and fornication are listed as serious transgressions that normally do require a Disciplinary Council. This fits with what is stated in the Kimball quote, that a member should free themselves of this before going on a mission, entering the temple or advancing in the priesthood.<br />
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<b>Myth 3: Masturbation is not a big deal</b><br />
While it is not good to cast masturbation as a sin next to murder, it also is not good to minimize it as an excuse to continue doing it. While it is true that there are far more serious sins than masturbation, the fact remains that this is something that will affect your worthiness to enter the the temple and partake of the sacrament. That is serious enough that members should strive to avoid this and repent of it as necessary.<br />
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<b>Myth 4:The church only tells singles and youth to not do it.</b><br />
Many of the warnings against masturbation are directed at the Aaronic Priesthood or the Youth and YSA member of the church, but it is a mistake to think this only applies to them.<br />
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If you go back to the Conference Report where the Kimball quote comes from, you will see the talk's title and subtitle are "President Kimball Speaks Out on Morality - Special Message to All Latter-day Saints". The quote itself specifies "Anyone fettered by this weakness should abandon the habit..."<br />
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Page 219 of the <a href="https://www.lds.org/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/morality-and-modesty?lang=eng">Eternal Marriage Institute Manual </a>(obviously for those preparing for marriage) quotes from President Kimball's talk where he condemns masturbation. Lesson 33 of the New Testament Gospel Doctrine manual (where most married members would be during Sunday School) contains this:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;"> Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve taught: “Any sexual intimacy outside of the bonds of marriage—I mean any intentional contact with the sacred, private parts of another’s body, with or without clothing—is a sin and is forbidden by God. It is also a transgression to intentionally stimulate these emotions within your own body”(in <a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1994/10/making-the-right-choices?lang=eng">ConferenceReport, Oct. 1994, 51; or Ensign, Nov. 1994, 38</a>)</span></blockquote>
At the start of that talk, Elder Scott stated his message would "apply to all present" and Elder Featherstone's remarks (linked above) likewise makes a point of including the adults.<br />
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The Kimball quote also directs members to 'abandon the habit'. Abandon is a strong word. It means to leave something behind for good with no intention of ever returning to it. <br />
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<b>Myth 5: This only applies to men in the church</b><br />
The idea that masturbation is a 'male only problem' is not true. Women are sexual beings as well and they are just as capable of falling into this trap as men are. There is no solid statistical evidence of how widespread masturbation is among men or women in the church but that doesn't matter. Casting masturbation as a male only problem heaps additional shame on women trying to deal with it and makes it harder for them to seek help when needed. <br />
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While many statements from church leaders reflect the idea that this is a male problem, not all of them do. Also, while the new YM/YW curriculum has done away with traditional lesson manuals recently, the Young Women 2 manual that was in use from 1993 up to recently covered the topic of masturbation in Lesson 33 (The Sacred Power of Procreation) and used the Kimball quote in doing so.<br />
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<b>Myth 6: Sometimes it can be OK</b><br />
Not that long ago masturbation was universally condemned by all Christian faiths. While the Catholic Church still considers it 'a grave moral disorder' much of the Protestant world has changed their position on it considerably. Citing that there isn't a specific verse in the Bible condemning, it many Protestants believe it is OK if your spouse approves, or is present when you do it, or if you 'masturbate without lust' (although that seems like an oxymoron to me).<br />
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It can be hard when military service, long term medical issues, or other circumstances prevent a married couple from being intimate for a long period of time, however there is not one statement from any General Authority at any time that says masturbation is an acceptable practice in such cases, or any other circumstance. Their direction to us is to never do that.<br />
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<b>Myth 7: Those statements from past prophets are outdated </b><br />
As you may have noticed, many of the quotes I've given come from the 70's and 80's. This was a time where societal views on masturbation were changing and it required the church to address the topic repeatedly. <br />
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It should not be ignored however that current church publication, like the Eternal Marriage Institute Manual, the New Testament Gospel Doctrine manual, and others make use of those quotes, validating the applicability in this day. I've also quoted Elder Richard G Scott. <br />
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On top of this Elder Tad. R Callister, as President of the Quorum of the Seventy gave a devotional address at BYU Idaho that was published in the March 2014 Ensign where he said: "The Lord condemns self-abuse. Self-abuse is the act of stimulating the procreative power of one’s own body" and then goes on to quote Elder Boyd K. Packer on the topic.<br />
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More importantly, statements like what President Kimball made do not come with an expiry date. We still quote Joseph and Brigham on many things. Only a subsequent prophet can offer clarification or an update to what President Kimball said, yet none have done so.<br />
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<b>Myth 8: The church is trying to sweep all that under the rug and doesn't talk about it any more.</b><br />
I have provided links to both General Conference talks and current church publications that repeat the same message that President Kimball made, often quoting him in the process. It does not get as much focus as it did in the past when the church needed to combat shifts in society, but it hardly hidden or ignored.<br />
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<b>Myth 9: The church has changed it's position on masturbation</b><br />
The position of the church is that it is wrong, the Lord doesn't approve, and that has not changed over the years. What has changed is that the leaders of the church are more aware of how sensitive this topic is for some people, and have given local leaders more flexibility in how to deal with it. Where in the past there was more of a top-down, one size fits all approach, local leaders are free to deal with each member on a case by case bases doing what will best help them to repent and overcome what is a potentially addictive habit. <br />
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Beyond the moral implications, I believe there are also ways it can be harmful to a marriage.<br />
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Masturbation breaks the link between sexual pleasure and your relationship with your spouse. If you can gain the pleasure on your own, then it removes a big incentive to resolve relationship issues, and it weakens your bond with your spouse since you no long have to rely on their kindness to have your physical needs met. The bonding effect a couple enjoys from sexual climax becomes diluted when that same climax is had alone. In this condition, it is much easier for a problem in the marriage to go unresolved as the couple drift apart. Each spouse's pleasure should be found in the arms of the partner, not in the palm of their hand or the tip of their finger. <br />
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C.S Lewis put it this way:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;"> "For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect love: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself….<br /><br /> Masturbation involves this abuse of imagination in erotic matters (which I think bad in itself) and thereby encourages a similar abuse of it in all spheres. After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison."<br /><br /> (C.S. Lewis, letter to Keith Masson (3 June 1956); cited in Yours, Jack: Spiritual Direction from C.S. Lewis (HarperOne, 2008), 292-293.)</span></blockquote>
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On the positive side, I believe if both spouses hold to the direction given by the Lord in this area their marriage will be blessed for it. If they focus on meeting their spouse's needs rather than their own it will draw them in both physically, spiritually and emotionally and a greater joy is possible from that then what can ever be found alone.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-28998521117235564842017-11-13T14:49:00.000-08:002017-11-13T14:49:13.609-08:00Healing the Wounds Part 4 - Restituion and Resolve<b><span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.com/2017/09/healing-wounds-part-1-where-to-start.html" target="_blank">[Part 1]</a> </span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://latterday-marriage.blogspot.com/2017/09/healing-wounds-part-2-recognition-and.html" target="_blank">[Part 2]</a></span></b><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b> <a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.com/2017/10/healing-wounds-part-3-reveal-and-request.html">[Part 3]</a></b></span><br />
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Making a full confession and asking for forgiveness is a vital part of healing a wound, but by themselves they are just words. Those words need to be followed up with action to be taken seriously.<br />
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<b>Restitution</b><br />
Making restitution is a vital part of the healing process. True regret comes with a desire to make up for the wrongs done. Simply stopping the hurtful behaviour is not enough by itself. Consider the case of a bank robber who expresses deep regret and sorrow over what they did, promises they won't do it again, but keeps the money and hides from the law. It calls their words into question if they are unwilling to pay back or make up for what they did.<br />
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Sometimes however a direct form of restitution like that is not possible. That doesn't mean you have a excuse to skip this step. What you should do instead is to make restitution by making up for what you did. Swing the pendulum to the other side and counteract a misdeed with it's opposite.<br />
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A spouse who had a habit of speaking harshly to their companion can't undo the fact that they said what they said, but the can make restitution by making a habit of giving their partner genuine praise instead. A spouse who has been inconsiderate of their partner's sexual needs can't go back in time and change years of selfish refusal, but they can makes restitution by doing all they can to make the future one that includes a high level of sexual fulfillment for their spouse.<br />
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Restitution like this is not something you do for a week or a month then drop, it is a lifelong change. It shows your spouse you have had a true change of heart rather than just a change of mind. It proves to them that you are no longer the kind of person who would do such a thing. It wins back their trust and confidence in your feelings for them.<br />
<b><br />Resolve to never do it again</b><br />
True regret is a painful thing, and it should be painful enough that it drives you to do all the steps after it. It should also be painful enough to leave you resolved to never do such a thing again. Your resolve reform yourself needs to be expressed to
your spouse in words, and demonstrated in deed for the rest of your
life. As I mentioned before, the Lord said:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: red;"><b>By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them <u>and forsake them</u>. <a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/58.43?lang=eng&clang=eng#p42" target="_blank">(D&C 58:43)</a></b></span></blockquote>
If a spouse makes their confession, asks forgiveness and makes restitution for what they did, then goes on to do it again (even if many years later) it re-opens the original wound. After that, confessions will be harder to take as sincere and a greater restitution will be required.<br />
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In<b> <a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/luke/7.37-50">Luke 7:37-50</a></b> a woman known to be a sinner washes the feet of the Savior with her tears and anoints his feet with expensive ointment. Simon the Pharisee thought that if Christ were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman this was and not let her do this. Christ, sensing his thoughts taught: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: red;"><b>Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but <u>to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little</u>. (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/luke/7.47">Luke 7:47</a>)</b></span></blockquote>
Likewise, to whom much is forgiven, the same loveth greatly as this woman showed. These steps allow a couple to tap into the power of the atonement which can heal the wounds and restore peace and love to a marriage. When there is both
forgiveness and all the elements of reconciliation present, a marriage
can come out of adversity stronger than it was before the trial began,
with deeper love between the spouses. Even a case of adultery can end with hearts healed and a
marriage strengthened if both do their part. Even if a spouse is unwilling or slow to forgive, this process will be a blessing to those who follow it. Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-28419416672741024132017-10-22T15:01:00.000-07:002017-11-13T14:52:33.868-08:00Healing the Wounds Part 3 - Reveal and Request<b><span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.com/2017/09/healing-wounds-part-1-where-to-start.html" target="_blank">[Click here for Part 1]</a> </span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://latterday-marriage.blogspot.com/2017/09/healing-wounds-part-2-recognition-and.html" target="_blank">[Click here for Part 2]</a></span></b><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vPYCK_q-fW0/We0K-S-90fI/AAAAAAAAANA/og5syIZ2pAQnv5yVgvdIX5cYsNwBBs0dgCLcBGAs/s1600/landscape-1440782001-woman-crying-on-mans-shoulder.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1229" height="208" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vPYCK_q-fW0/We0K-S-90fI/AAAAAAAAANA/og5syIZ2pAQnv5yVgvdIX5cYsNwBBs0dgCLcBGAs/s320/landscape-1440782001-woman-crying-on-mans-shoulder.jpg" width="320" /></a>So far we've talked about things that need to happen inside the head and heart of the spouse that caused the hurt, but to actually heal the relationship requires taking action. They need to fix what they broke as best they can. It is not an easy process and the reality is that things may need to get worse before they get better. That is why the first two steps are so important. It is unlikely that somebody will take the painful actions needed to heal the relationship unless driven by a pain of regret that is greater.<br />
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<b>Reveal Everything</b> <br />
The first action is to fully confess your wrongs. Not just the parts your spouse already knows about, but the things they don't know as well. Come clean, put it all out there. It is not enough to just stop doing wrong. The Lord said:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: red;"><b>By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, <u>he will confess them</u> and forsake them. <a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/58.43?lang=eng&clang=eng#p42" target="_blank">(D&C 58:43)</a></b></span></blockquote>
It is best to do this without having to be compelled to by circumstances. A person who is caught red handed and only admits to the things that have already been uncovered will seem like they are only sorry they were caught, even if there really is nothing more to confess, and they genuinely regret their actions.<br />
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Apologize and lay out what you did, how often, for how long, why (not as an excuse). Also share your journey of coming to realize and regret your actions and the pain you feel as a result. <br />
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It will be tempting to say to yourself 'There is no need to confess that part, they don't know, I won't do it again, so why put them through the pain of revealing it?' It would be a mistake to act in that way however.<br />
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Keeping a secret like that is harmful to yourself and to your marriage. You will not be able to free yourself of the pain of regret and personal shame of what you have done. Instead you will carry that burden and it will eat at you and undermine your happiness. It will leave you aware of your unworthiness which is something Satan can use against you when he tries to tempt you again, and he will try. You won't be able to feel fully loved and accepted by your spouse either. When your spouse says they love you, you will wonder if they would have said that if they knew the whole story.<br />
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Even if your spouse doesn't know, they will likely sense that you have not been fully open with them or carry nagging doubts that weaken the marriage and create insecurity. They also can not forgive you for something they do not know you did. Some day they will know exactly what happened. Either at the judgement bar or sooner they will know it, and also know that you hid it from them and lied to them that there was nothing more to confess. Your reconciliation will then be undone and the relationship will be worse off than before. <br />
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In contrast, a full, unforced confession may cause a lot of pain in the short term, but it also helps to rebuild trust and give hope that things can be made better. It makes it easier for your spouse to forgive when your actions demonstrate true repentance by coming clean voluntarily. Confession is good for the soul no matter what the reaction is. The burden of hiding and lying will be gone and the process of healing will have started. Even if the revelation leads to the break up of the marriage, it enables you both to heal and move forward. A marriage held together by lies and secrets is not going to become an eternal marriage.<br />
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Revealing everything may be a process rather than an event. Usually when a spouse is blindsided by something big they will not absorb it all at once. They will come back with questions, request clarification, and need to go over something a few more times before they can wrap their head around it. Answer every question and request completely until they are fully satisfied that they know the situation. Don't hide, justify, downplay or brush off anything. Give them the security of knowing there will be no nasty surprises down the road.<br />
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<b>Request Forgiveness</b><br />
Confessing your wrongs implies a request for forgiveness, but it should still be stated outright that you are sorry for what you did, and you wish to obtain forgiveness from them and from God. The apology is your admission that you are in the wrong. It also acknowledges your spouse's pain and validates it. It brings them into the process, laying out what their part is and calling on them to start the work of forgiving.<br />
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While it is true that we have an obligation to forgive others (<b><span style="color: red;"><a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/64.9-10" target="_blank">D&C 64:9-10</a></span></b>), do not ask for forgiveness as if it is owed to you or that you deserve it because of your wonderful confession and painful regret. You are asking your spouse to give you something you do <u>not</u> deserve. They may owe it to God to forgive, but they do not owe it to you, even if you have forgiven them of something worse, even if you already have God`s forgiveness for what you did. Their forgiveness is a gift and it should be humbly asked for and graciously received when offered.<br />
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It may take a spouse some time before they are ready to offer that gift. Give them that time. You do not get to decide how they should feel or how soon their heart should be ready to forgive. <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="color: blue;">Sometimes it is necessary to apologize more than once, especially if the
offense is particularly hurtful. I have learned over the years that it
sometimes takes several apologies before the sincerity of the apology is
able to penetrate the wounded heart of an offended spouse. <a href="https://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/09/repentance-and-forgiveness-in-marriage?lang=eng" target="_blank">(Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage, Ensign, September 2011)</a></span></b></blockquote>
When there is a strong bond of love between a couple, then there is a desire to forgive and return to the joy that was shared before the offense took place. That reconciliation has to be earned however, otherwise the forgiving spouse is just allowing themselves to be walked all over and abused.<br />
<br />
Confessing and asking for forgiveness is not the limit of what must be done to heal the wounds and restore the same level of love and trust that existed before. In <a href="https://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2017/11/healing-wounds-part-4-restituion-and.html"><b>Part 4</b></a> we'll go over the last two things that must be done.<br />
<br />Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-66691261017991525472017-09-24T16:32:00.000-07:002017-10-22T15:06:52.586-07:00Healing the Wounds Part 2 - Recognition and Regret<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TInri_r8xok/Wcg6m3jnm8I/AAAAAAAAAMc/IHMQlLgTFn4RPpobZ4F3GDC3ZbiJMjQZACK4BGAYYCw/s1600/regret-blog-woman-379x269.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TInri_r8xok/Wcg6m3jnm8I/AAAAAAAAAMc/IHMQlLgTFn4RPpobZ4F3GDC3ZbiJMjQZACK4BGAYYCw/s400/regret-blog-woman-379x269.jpg" /></a><span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.com/2017/09/healing-wounds-part-1-where-to-start.html" target="_blank"><b>[Click here for Part 1]</b></a></span><br />
Imagine you are watching a typical date movie. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, he does something that hurts or offends her, and now she is at the airport ready to board a plane to Europe and leave her heartbreak behind forever. He rushes to the airport and catches up to her at the last possible moment and looking deep into her eyes he says "It was only one time, it wasn't my fault, you're making a big deal out of nothing and you just need to get over it."<br />
<br />
I don't think she would be very unlikely to change her plans based on what he said.<br />
<br />
As I mentioned in <b><a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.com/2017/09/healing-wounds-part-1-where-to-start.html" target="_blank">Part 1</a></b>, the path to healing a relationship with a spouse (or anyone else) is the same process as healing our relationship with God when we sin, so I'll be taking quotes from scripture and church leaders about the process of repentance and applying them here to the process of reconciliation. <br />
<br />
<b>Recognition</b><br />
The first step in healing the wounds is to recognize that you caused a wound. If you didn't mean to wound you spouse it doesn't mean there is no wound, and if you can't recognize your wrongdoing you won't be able to reconcile over it.<br />
<br />
Recognition is something that happens in the mind. You realize on an intellectual level that your actions or words were not what they should have been. This may be because you can see the hurt or anger you caused, or because you are aware of how your actions violate expectations and reasonable treatment of other people.<br />
<br />
The enemy of recognition is defensiveness and justification. If you push back against the idea that you are in the wrong and try to rationalize it, then you are not going to be able to make things better. It doesn't matter what wrongs your spouse has done, or what other circumstances exist, you have to accept responsibility for your actions and embrace the fact that it was the wrong thing to do. You don't get to decide how somebody else should feel about something. We all want to be the hero of our own story, but there are times we need face up to the fact that we have become the villain in another person's story and will stay that way until we change it into a story of our redemption.<br />
<br />
<b>Regret</b><br />
Regret is probably the most important, as well as the hardest step to take. We live in an age where anything that produces guilt is labeled as
judgmental and intolerant, but that ideology creates a barrier to
reconciliation and repentance. A 'safe space' will not save your relationship, it will allow wounds to fester until the relationship is too infected to survive.<br />
<br />
The Apostle Paul praised 'godly sorrow'
as something the leads to repentance and salvation <b><a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/2-cor/7.10?lang=eng&clang=eng#p9" target="_blank">(2Cor 7:10)</a></b>. It is your regret that will provide the emotional fuel to do what you need to do to achieve a reconciliation. Without an appropriate level of regret you might go
through the motions of each step, but they will be hollow and meaningless actions
that won't produce lasting results.<br />
<br />
While recognition happens in the mind, regret happens in the heart. It takes heart wrenching regret to bring about a mighty change of heart and that is why repentance is often described as a painful process. The depth of your regret has to match the offense. You can't cause a bucket load of pain for your spouse then offer a teaspoon of regret and expect it to balance out.<br />
<br />
President Spencer W. Kimball said:<span style="color: blue;"><b></b></span><cr>
</cr><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;"><b>There must be a consciousness of guilt. It cannot be brushed aside. It
must be acknowledged and not rationalized away. It must be given its
full importance. If it is 10,000 talents, it must not be rated at 100
pence; if it is a mile long, it must not be rated a rod or a yard; if it
is a ton transgression, it must not be rated a pound. (<a href="https://www.lds.org/new-era/1974/05/what-is-true-repentance?lang=eng" target="_blank">What is True Repentance, Ensign, May 1974</a>)</b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
</blockquote>
Alma described the regret he felt for his sins as being "tormented with the pains of hell" <b><a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/36.13?lang=eng&clang=eng#p12" target="_blank">(Alma 36:13)</a></b><br />
<br />
Your spouse needs to see your regret as well. When they see your regret it softens their heart and shows them your heart is changing which builds trust. If however your spouse has not seen genuine and sufficient regret, don't expect your apologies to carry a lot of weight. To them it will feel like you are going through the motions, doing what you understand in your head is the right action to take, but lacking the emotion in the heart needed to really mean it. They can forgive you, even if you don't do any of these steps, but if you want to restore the relationship and heal the wounds you will have to put your heart into it.<br />
<br />
This can't be faked either, and it must be regret for what you did, not regret that you got caught. If you genuinely do not feel an appropriate level of regret over what you did, you will need to work on that. Have some empathy for your spouse's pain. Don't make yourself a judge of how they should feel based on how you feel about things. We all have different sore spots, different insecurities and fears. The context of your life is not the same as the context of their life. What may seems like a harmless bit of ribbing or a minor faux pa to you could be a devastating, cruel and hurtful attack in your spouse's eyes because of their past experiences and struggles in life. You have to respect their feelings as valid and real even when you do not share them.<br />
<br />
It may help to talk with your spouse to try and understand the situation from their perspective. It may be a painful conversation to have, but it will help you understand your spouse better and show you are serous about trying to fix things. It may help you to avoid inadvertently causing more pain in the future. Listen and don't judge, you are trying to understand them better so they need to be the one doing most of the talking. Questions to get clarification are OK, but don't try and talk them out of feeling what they feel or back them into a corner. Seeing their pain will hopefully soften your heart as well. <br />
<br />
Vindictiveness, hardness of heart, and pride will block genuine regret. If you struggle with those, pray for greater humility, empathy and understanding. Bring the spirit into your life to soften your heart by reading the
scriptures, attending church, going to the temple, and serving others. Seek to tap into the gifts of the spirit to help discern
your spouse's side and empathize with them.<br />
<br />
When you property recognize and regret what you have done the rest of the steps become things that your heart will compel you to do to free yourself of that pain. They still may not be easy steps to take, but you'll have a strong motivating force to push you through it. We will discuss the first action steps in <b><a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2017/10/healing-wounds-part-3-reveal-and-request.html" target="_blank">Part 3</a></b>.<br />
Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-1067472116964280292017-09-10T18:37:00.001-07:002017-10-05T19:10:14.322-07:00Healing The Wounds Part 1 - Where To Start<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-b8JX_G8ThF4/WbXjAc_83JI/AAAAAAAAAL4/CASyjbV7nNkV_jQWx-kQ09jM6pxGIxq0QCLcBGAs/s1600/Couples-Therapy-Page.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="500" height="213" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-b8JX_G8ThF4/WbXjAc_83JI/AAAAAAAAAL4/CASyjbV7nNkV_jQWx-kQ09jM6pxGIxq0QCLcBGAs/s320/Couples-Therapy-Page.jpg" width="320" /></a>I hope that those of you reading this blog do not assume that my marriage is perfect. Many of the ideas I talk about here are things my wife and I are trying to live up to (with varying degrees of success). While my wife and I love each other dearly and do our best, we are imperfect people and there are times where we cause hurt to each other.<br />
<br />
This is a normal part of marriage. Getting close to somebody emotionally goes hand in hand with giving them the ability to cause far deeper wounds to the heart than any stranger could ever inflict. It often happens with no intent to cause harm, and even no realization that their actions or words would cause pain. Certainly sinful behaviour like adultery, pornography usage etc. causes serious hurt in marriages, but spouses can hurt each other without committing such sins as well. <br />
<br />
These hurts are damaging to the relationship, and they must be addressed and healed. Don't count on time to erase everything, <b><a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2014/07/how-to-fight-with-your-spouse-and-why.html" target="_blank">that often will make things worse</a></b>. If not dealt with correctly, some wounds may fester and spread. Even if that doesn't happen and it seems to have been swept under the rug, over time an accumulation of scars take their toll.<br />
<br />
Situations like this, even though they may not involve sin, are still closely related to the gospel principles of forgiveness and repentance. God loves us more than we really understand. When we rebel against his will, betray our covenant to follow Christ and instead commit sins, we hurt him. We damage our relationship with our Heavenly Father. The process of repentance is not a legal process, it is an emotional process for repairing that relationship and seeking a reconciliation. The same process applies when we need to repair a marriage relationship, friendship, or any other relationship. <br />
<br />
<b>Forgiveness: Human and Divine</b><br />
The starting point of that process is forgiveness. There are two types of forgiveness, human and divine. Christ said: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="color: red;">Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. - <a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/64.9-10" target="_blank">D&C 64:9-10</a></span></b></blockquote>
Divine forgiveness, the forgiveness a sinner seeks from Christ, comes only on condition of repentance. When it is obtained, the stain of sin is washed away from the transgressor's soul by the power of the atonement.<br />
<br />
Human forgiveness however does not cleanse the sins of the offender, and we are obligated to give it freely and unconditionally, even if they never repent.<br />
<br />
Forgiving somebody doesn't mean you pretend it never happened. It doesn't mean you extend to them the same level of trust as before. It doesn't mean you stop hurting. It certainly doesn't mean you make excuses for what they did or give approval. While <b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPxDs2bByYc" target="_blank">this video</a> </b>is not from an LDS source, but I think it does a good job clarifying what human forgiveness is and is not.<br />
<br />
What it means to forgive is that you let go of your anger, bitterness, vindictiveness and hostility. You don't lash out and try to 'make them pay' for what they did. It doesn't let them off the hook, but it does give them an environment that encourages and facilitates their repentance while preventing your soul from becoming poisoned with hate and contention. Whatever your spouse did, not forgiving them for it is a bigger sin because you make yourself an obstacle to their repentance.<br />
<br />
<b>Repentance and Reconciliation</b><br />
To repair the relationship the offender must address what they did and do what is needed. For the sake of this blog, if the relationship being repaired is between a person and God I'll call it repentance, and if it is between a person and their spouse or other person I'll call it reconciliation. The process is the same in either case but with repentance comes divine forgiveness and reconciliation is most easily achieved when human forgiveness has already been given. Only after we have repaired our relationship with God is He justified in cleansing us of our sins.<br />
<br />
The onus is on the offender to make this effort, and they do not get to decide at what point the other party should reconcile with them. When reconciliation does happen however, the relationship is restored, even strengthened. Repentance is often described as a painful process, and with good reason. Likewise reconciliation can be painful too. There are times where repentance requires the guidance and counsel of a Bishop, and times where reconciliation requires the help of a professional marriage counselor.<br />
<br />
In<b> <a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.com/2017/09/healing-wounds-part-2-recognition-and.html">Part 2</a></b> I'll start to go over the steps of this process, and more importantly why those are the steps that need to be taken, and how to proceed with them.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-38302415518429242762017-05-28T16:47:00.003-07:002017-10-24T18:06:30.586-07:00Is your spouse's happiness your responsibility?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UmBL5TuuX4I/We_jg3BwKWI/AAAAAAAAANc/JB2PYWvf5dMxq8vCKkiWIs516E3DI9QegCLcBGAs/s1600/369c8ecd065dd1d0b5f3dbe797b89799.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="199" data-original-width="300" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UmBL5TuuX4I/We_jg3BwKWI/AAAAAAAAANc/JB2PYWvf5dMxq8vCKkiWIs516E3DI9QegCLcBGAs/s1600/369c8ecd065dd1d0b5f3dbe797b89799.jpg" /></a></div>
Prophets and apostles have counseled the members of the church a number of times that a married couple should each seek for the happiness of their spouse.<br />
<br />
For example:<br />
<b>President Gordon B. Hinkley</b><br />
True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of one’s companion. <a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1971/04/except-the-lord-build-the-house?lang=eng" target="_blank">(link)</a><br />
<br />
<b>Elder Russel M Nelson </b><br />
Harmony in marriage comes only when one esteems the welfare of his or
her spouse among the highest of priorities. When that really happens, a
celestial marriage becomes a reality, bringing great joy in this life
and in the life to come. <a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/celestial-marriage?lang=eng" target="_blank">(link)</a> <br />
<br />
<b>Elder Jeffery R. Holland</b><br />
Find someone [to marry] ...who finds his or her happiness in your own. <a href="https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jeffrey-r-holland_how-do-i-love-thee/" target="_blank">(link)</a> <br />
<br />
<b>President Spencer W. Kimball </b><br />
If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the
other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow
into mighty proportions.<a href="https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/spencer-w-kimball_marriage-divorce/" target="_blank">(link)</a><br />
<br />
Does this mean that you are responsible for your spouse's happiness? Are they responsible for yours?<br />
<br />
<b>In a way, yes you are...</b><br />
The answer is 'Yes' in that we have a responsibility to do what we can to promote the happiness of our spouse, it is part of our stewardship as a spouse. We should know (or find out) what our spouse needs to feel loved, happy and content with their life. Not just with the marriage relationship, but in all areas of life. If it is within our power to bring them greater happiness (without breaking commandments or laws of course), we should do it.<br />
<br />
It may require us to make changes or sacrifices. I may mean doing things you wouldn't normally do. It may require gently helping your spouse overcome their challenges, or patiently waiting for the time they are ready to take that on. It may just be giving them support and encouragement and expressing faith in them as they confront things you are not able to do anything about. It can be giving them your best, honest counsel, forgiving them of their mistakes, and having compassion and charity toward them in their imperfections. It may mean seeking their forgiveness for things we've done.<br />
<br />
Ideally it is supposed to be a two way street where your spouse does the same for you. In practice that is not always the case, but even then it doesn't change our duty toward our spouse and their happiness. When neither spouse seeks the happiness of the other there is a downward spiral that puts the marriage at serious risk. If even only one spouse is seeking the happiness of the other, this is less likely to happen, and over time their example may rub off on their partner.<br />
<br />
<b>...and in another way, no you are not.</b><br />
The answer is also 'No' in the sense that each person has the final responsibility for themselves. Your obligation is to do you part to enable their happiness, after that it is up to them. If there are mental health issues like depression, you may have to accept (at least for a time) that their unhappiness is not related to their circumstances in life and beyond your power to affect, other than to try and help them find an effective treatment plan. <br />
<br />
As
much as I wish I could remove every discomfort of any kind that my wife
feels, it is not within my power to undo the Fall and make her world a
Paradise. I do what I can, and how she responds to the challenges she faces is her choice. Likewise I am responsible for my happiness, and she is responsible for doing what she can to facilitate it. <br />
<br />
If however the husband and wife are selfish, put seeking their interests first, treat their spouse with contempt, ridicule, verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, take them for granted, withhold help, comfort, support, encouragement, intimacy, or otherwise mistreat them or hedge up the way before them, then they make themselves responsible for the outcome of those actions and the damage they do to the marriage.<br />
<br />
Nobody should be a hostage to their spouse's emotions, but they should be a help meet and partner. And seeking the happiness of your spouse is very likely to result in a greater happiness for you than if you sought your own happiness above theirs.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-60386024237801442642017-04-30T17:51:00.002-07:002017-04-30T17:51:12.082-07:00Above and beyond<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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One thing I learned as an adult is that it doesn't take a lot to stand out from the crowd. Just a little extra effort and magic starts to happen. The same principle applies in our marriage too. It is easy to stick with the daily routine of life, but when we break out of that and go the extra mile for our spouse amazing things can happen.<br />
<br />
I'm not talking about doing something special for your spouse as a reward for something they have done, or to make up for something you did, or because it is a special occasion. I do encourage doing that, but here I'm talking about doing something extra for your spouse's happiness just because you love to make them happy. <br />
<br />
It doesn't have to
some grand or expensive gesture. Just the fact that it breaks up the routine will make it stand out both at the time and later in memory. It has to be something that will put a smile of delight on their face, so it would probably be most effective if it was something related to their <a href="http://www.5lovelanguages.com/" target="_blank">primary love language</a> (not yours). Here are some suggestions:<br />
<br />
<b>Words of Affirmation</b><br />
- love letter<br />
- greeting card <br />
- affectionate (or sexy) candygram<br />
- shirt, mug, certificate etc. proclaiming them 'World's Best _______'<br />
- social media post praising your spouse<br />
<br />
<b>Acts of Service</b><br />
- before they can stop you, do some chores for them that they normally do<br />
- take care of something they haven't been able to get to<br />
- give them a day off and wait on them <br />
- give them a massage, draw a bath for them <br />
- cook them a special meal<br />
- do that thing they have wanted you to take care of for a while<br />
<br />
<b>Gifts</b><br />
- give them something related to their hobbies and interests<br />
- take them out to dinner <br />
- them them shopping, tell them how much they can spend on something just for them<br />
- flowers / candy/ jewelry<br />
- make something for them<br />
<br />
<b>Quality Time</b><br />
- go for a walk together<br />
- run away together for a whole day, nothing planned<br />
- play board games<br />
- binge watch something they are interested in<br />
- go dancing<br />
<br />
<b>Physical / Sexual contact</b><br />
- get a room for the night<br />
- spend the whole evening being physically intimate<br />
- tell them they get to pick what happens and you'll go along with it<br />
- fulfill a fantasy of theirs<br />
- make yourself as attractive as you can for them (hair, makeup, lingerie etc.)<br />
- try something new in the bedroom (bondage, oral sex, role playing etc.)<br />
<br />
Going out of your way to please your spouse sends them some very important messages that strengthen the relationship. It tells them:<br />
<br />
<b>I don't take you for granted.</b><br />
When life has you both in a rut, even if it happens to be a good rut, over time a person can feel like they are taken for granted. The usual ways of showing affection become common, habitual, expected and lose impact. When a spouse tosses in something special now and then it tells their partner they are not taken for granted. A bonus side effect to this is that they are far less likely to take the everyday affection you give for granted as well.<br />
<br />
<b>You are worth my time and effort, and our relationship is a priority to me.</b><br />
Going the extra mile is a deliberate act. The very idea of doing something extra and making the choice to do it happen because of your feelings for your spouse. They know you could have spent your time and energy doing something for yourself, or on anything else, but you invested it in them instead. <br />
<br />
<b>I know what you like, and I like giving it to you.</b><br />
When your spouse sees that not only do you know in your head what it is that pleases them, but you also feel joy in your heart when you provide them with it, a huge emotional bond is created or strengthened. Knowing your spouse 'gets' you is a very powerful thing. It is an important element of all emotional intimacy. <br />
<br />
We are supposed to go the extra mile in our jobs, our callings and in serving others. Certainly should make a point of going above and beyond the usual in our marriages as well. And when you go the extra mile for your spouse a few times, don't be too surprised if they start going the extra mile for you in return.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-24325894460641108462017-03-07T20:11:00.002-08:002017-03-07T20:11:19.955-08:00Making time for intimacy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Time is a precious commodity. You can not buy it, you can not earn it, you can not sell it, and you can not bank it. Everybody has the same amount of time every day and all you can do is exchange that time for something else. You can trade time for money, entertainment, education, exercise or sleep, and you can trade that time for sexual and/or non-sexual intimacy with your spouse.<br />
<br />
It's easy reach the end of the day where your remaining time must be traded for sleep without trading any significant amount of it for those things that will make your marriage stronger and more joyful. If this happens too often then the relationship will suffer from neglect. If you are finding it a challenge to give your marriage the time it needs, consider the following ways to try and change that:<br />
<br />
<b>Obligations, Urgencies and Priorities</b><br />
Our relationship with our spouse should be a very high priority. Ideally we would spend our time according to our priorities, but that isn't always the case. We have obligations that demand specific blocks of our time even though they might not be as high a priority as our marriage. Urgencies also override our priorities.<br />
<br />
Ask yourself if you should reduce the obligations you have. Sometimes when a couple starts to drift apart they can start to fill that void with other interests and activities only to have those things take up so much of their time that it prevents any healing and reconnecting in the relationship. Are there obligations that you should let go of for the sake of having more time together as a couple? Are you trading time for what is good instead of what is best?<br />
<br />
If you find too much of your time is spend responding to urgencies, is there something you can do to prevent them? Are there others who can step up to help?<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Planning</b><br />
Having a specific night each week set aside as date night is as important to a marriage as Family Home Evening is to a family. Dates do not have to cost money, it just has to give you time together with minimal outside distractions. <br />
<br />
That is not the limit of planning however. There are lots of little things a spouse can do to show their love, but often nobody thinks to do them. Rather than rely on inspiration to hit at the right time, we can make plans for doing those things. Smartphones have alarms and calendar apps that we can use to help. A husband can set a reminder to pick up some flowers for his wife on his way home on Monday and to mail her a card next Thursday, a wife can set a reminder make his favorite meal on Wednesday and to really spice things up in the bedroom next Saturday evening. Both can pepper their calendars with reminders for many different displays of love through the month.<br />
<br />
Also make a point of planning ahead for special occasions. Birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, and Christmas should not be last minute afterthoughts. Be aware of them and plan well in advance how you are going to use the occasion to make your spouse feel loved and appreciated.<br />
<br />
Planning specific nights for sexual intimacy was something that really helped my marriage. Leaving it unplanned, then raising the question right at the end of the day when we were both at our lowest energy point was not a good strategy for us. When there are specific days where it is understood that sex will happen there can be anticipation and preparation, spouses can hold energy in reserve for what they know is coming and arrive at the bedroom mentally and emotionally primed. Nor does sex have to happen in the evening. It can happen right before supper, as soon as you get home from church, in the morning before leaving for work, anytime that works for both of you. Make the world wait for you for a change.<br />
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Be creative and flexible with your plans. And just because you have sex planned on some nights doesn't mean you can't have spontaneous sex at other times. <br />
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<b>Multi-tasking</b><br />
There are many ways we can combine non-sexual intimacy with everyday life. Send a flirty or romantic text when on a break at work. Go grocery shopping together. Fold laundry together while watching a romantic movie or just use the time to talk with each other. I love to sit in Sacrament meeting with my arm around her shoulder, her snuggling into me. She knows if she leans forward she'll get a back scratch. Be aware of the opportunities you have to include affectionate touch and loving words into each day. This is the start of foreplay.<br />
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<br />
When we trade our time wisely, it becomes an investment. While the return on that investment won't come in terms of more time, it will come in terms of better times.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-87042947209662438522017-01-17T17:58:00.003-08:002017-12-01T19:20:28.872-08:00Sex and Exaltation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-f8qRoPdtFeo/WHxBvtvuShI/AAAAAAAAAJk/KkHJSGTLYe8Ir2JjVOVouto71zoVsSXRQCLcB/s1600/temple-marriage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-f8qRoPdtFeo/WHxBvtvuShI/AAAAAAAAAJk/KkHJSGTLYe8Ir2JjVOVouto71zoVsSXRQCLcB/s1600/temple-marriage.jpg" /></a></div>
We Latter-Day Saints have a unique perspective on marriage. That in turn gives us a perspective on marital intimacy that is also unique, but I think in many cases we do not fully appreciate the importance sex when it comes to our own exaltation in the kingdom of God.<br />
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Now I can tell from the stats for this blog that there are more than a few visitors that come here from Christian marriage websites that are not LDS, and that is great. I hope you feel welcome here. Most of the things I've posted have been principles that are pretty universally accepted across all Christian faiths, even if I do quote from sources that a non-Mormon would not consider authoritative.<br />
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This post will be different. I'm going to delve into some doctrines unique to Mormonism and how they relate to the intimate side of marriage. Those of you who are not Mormons are welcome to read on, and I'll try and make it understandable for you as I can by explaining and linking to sites that will explain concepts you may not be familiar with. There are some things however that you may find hard to accept or even offensive. I hope you will use this as an opportunity to understand Mormons better. If you have questions you can post them as comments and I'll be happy to address them, but disrespect, hostility, trolling etc. will not be tolerated. <br />
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<b>Right From The Start</b><br />
We believe that <a href="http://eom.byu.edu/index.php/Premortal_Life" target="_blank">before mortal life our spirits lived with God</a>, and he created the earth for us to have a place to obtain a physical body (among other reasons). We do not know much about our premortal life, but one thing we do know is that even as premortal spirits we had a gender. The <b><a href="https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng" target="_blank">Proclamation on the Family</a> </b>states: "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."<br />
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Consider the implications of that. Your gender is not solely a physical characteristic, your spirit itself is male or female, matching the gender of the body (barring genetic abnormalities), and it was like that even before your birth. The Brother of Jared saw the premortal Christ and thought he was seeing a man of flesh and blood, yet Christ told him that the body of his spirit was as his physical body would appear after his birth (<b><a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/ether/3.8-16" target="_blank">Ether 3:8-16</a></b>)<br />
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<b>In Paradise And Mortality</b><br />
In the creation God made Adam and Eve, who were male and female beings. He made them husband and wife to each other. They were sexual beings, married and able to lawfully enjoy sexual intimacy when the earth was still a paradise untouched by sin. In fact they were commanded other to have children, become one flesh and to cleave to each other. (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/ot/gen/2.24-25" target="_blank"><b>Gen 2:24-25</b></a>) This again underscores the eternal nature of our sexuality, and also indicates that the ideal eternal state desired by God is for a man and a woman to be together as husband and wife in a marriage that includes sexual intimacy.<br />
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From all this we can see that our sexual nature doesn't end with the death of the body, it is an eternal characteristic of who we are.<br />
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<b>Salvation, Exaltation and Sexual Intimacy</b><br />
Thanks to Christ`s atonement, at some point after death comes the Resurrection. Every person who has ever lived will be resurrected and have a perfected and immortal version of their physical body having the same gender they were born with. (<b><a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/11.44" target="_blank">Alma 11:44</a></b>).<br />
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Right after the Resurrection comes the Final Judgement. While Christ`s atonement saves all mankind from death unconditionally, salvation from sin comes on condition of repentance (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/luke/13.3" target="_blank"><b>Luke 13:3</b></a>). Those who have been washed clean in the blood of the lamb are judged and will be assigned to one of <a href="http://eom.byu.edu/index.php/Degrees_of_Glory" target="_blank">the Three Degrees of Glory</a> (or Three Kingdoms of Glory) according to their works<b> (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/rev/20.12" target="_blank">Rev 20:12</a>)</b>. Anybody who makes it to any of those kingdoms is saved from sin and death, but only those who make it to the highest glory are exalted.<br />
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One thing that really sets Mormonism apart from other Christian faith is our belief that because of the atonement we have the potential to become like God. This was actually something that several early <a href="http://en.fairmormon.org/Mormonism_and_the_nature_of_God/Deification_of_man/Unbiblical,_false,_and_arrogant" target="_blank">Christian fathers like Irenaeus, Clement of Alexandria, Origen and others taught </a>in the early days of the church. Only those who make it to the Celestial Kingdom will be able to obtain exaltation but they also need to be in an eternal marriage (<b><a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/131.1-2" target="_blank">D&C 131:1-2</a></b>). Often we think of that only in terms of having the temple ceremony done to seal a marriage for time and all eternity, but really there are 3 components that are needed for a marriage to be eternal.<br />
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1) The willingness of both the husband and the wife<br />
2) The sealing ordinance performed by Priesthood authority<br />
3) The sealing of the covenant by the Holy Spirit of promise<br />
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It is only after the Holy Spirit of promise seals the marriage that it truly is eternal, and that doesn't happen until the Final Judgement. Being married in the temple by itself doesn't mean anything if spouses do not keep their covenants, or if their life together is so unpleasant that they no long wish to be together forever. If either spouse is no longer willing on judgment day, the Holy Spirit of promise will not seal it and the marriage will come to an end there (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/132.18" target="_blank"><b>D&C 132:18</b></a>).<br />
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Couples who do qualify for the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom receive the greatest blessings possible: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="color: red;"><span class="verse">Doctrine & Covenants 132:19-20<br />19 </span>And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys
of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth
in the first resurrection;... and they shall pass by
the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, <span style="background-color: yellow;">which glory shall be a fullness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever.</span> </span></b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
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<b><span style="color: red;"><a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="20"> </a><span class="verse">20 </span><span style="background-color: yellow;">Then shall they be gods, because they have no end</span>;... (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/132.19-20" target="_blank">D&C 132:19-20</a>)</span></b></div>
</blockquote>
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God's law is that sexual relationships must only take place between a husband and wife, and because of that sex has been called the defining characteristic of marriage. From the above however we can see that in the eternities sexual intimacy is also a defining characteristic of godhood itself. Only those who are exalted to that level will have a spouse, and through that intimacy they will have 'continuation of seeds forever and ever' and 'have no end'. This point was also touched on recently by Sister Nelson speaking at a recent<a href="https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/worldwide-devotionals/2017/01/love-and-marriage?lang=eng" target="_blank"> YSA Worldwide Fireside </a>where she said "<b>God-ordained marital intimacy is glorious and will continue eternally for covenant-keeping husbands and wives</b>."</div>
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<b>Putting Sexual Intimacy Into An Eternal Perspective</b><br />
This is why sexual intimacy is such a sacred thing. It is why abuses like homosexuality or fornication or adultery are serious moral wrongs, because they desecrate something sacred and godly. It is also why it is important for spouses to work out how to have a mutually satisfying intimate relationship with each other. <br />
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It is so much more than finding a way to live together happily in mortality. It is a stewardship we will have to account for, and like in the parable of the talents, a spouse is expected to put their God given sexuality to good use, not bury it like the unprofitable servant. The bottom line is that when spouses work to improve the intimate side of their marriage they are working towards their exaltation and preparing for eternity. Perfection will not be achieved in this world in this or any other area, but working to improve in this area is something we should take as serious as working to improve our faith and obedience to God.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-41386159214748466812016-12-05T18:44:00.002-08:002016-12-05T20:27:19.221-08:00Gift Ideas For A Stronger Marriage<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OgOnKKklULw/WEYhlYPKkMI/AAAAAAAAAJE/3bmM15B0u-AhKA9IpUdMipLGGJmRftV3ACK4B/s1600/christmas-gift-ideas-for-couples-m87ugdpo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OgOnKKklULw/WEYhlYPKkMI/AAAAAAAAAJE/3bmM15B0u-AhKA9IpUdMipLGGJmRftV3ACK4B/s320/christmas-gift-ideas-for-couples-m87ugdpo.jpg" width="320" /></a>The birth of Christ was a divine expression of God's love for us. Christ gave up so much to come down here, and he did it for us, not for himself. The gifts we give each other at Christmas should also be an expression of our love for those around us, and a well chosen gift for our spouse can not just express our feelings, but also serve to strengthen the relationship. Below are some gift ideas for things help to do that...<br />
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<b>Coupon book</b><br />
This is one that you can put together for pennies, but it may take some time. There are ready made coupon books for couples, I would recommend making your own and using the <a href="http://www.5lovelanguages.com/" target="_blank">Five Love Languages</a> as a guide for creating both sexual and other coupons. Some examples are:<br />
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<u>Words of affirmation</u> coupons good for things like a love letter or 5 minutes of sincere praise and gratitude.<br />
<u>Acts of Service</u> coupons for specific chores or favors you are willing to do for your spouse that you normally don't do, and know they don't enjoy doing<br />
<u>Physical Touch</u> coupons good for things like a 30 second kiss, a half hour of just cuddling, a shower together, making out in the car, a back rub, a foot massage, specific sexual acts, positions acting out specific fantasies<br />
<u>Quality Time</u> coupons like letting them pick what you do for date night, or what movie you will watch, going for a walk, or reading a book together.<br />
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Just be sure that each coupon is for something you intend to joyfully provide, you are committing yourself to do those things. Also, if there is something you would like to try with your spouse and have been hesitant to ask for, you can create a coupon around that as a way to gently invite them to do that with you.<br />
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<b>Some Time At The Spa</b><br />
Most local spas offer gift certificates that can be given as a gift. Some spas do couple's massages where the two of you can lay on massage tables side by side, holding hands as you each get a massage. Saunas can be a nice place to make out too, but if you plan on doing anything like that be sure to check what kind of sauna they have first. Some of them are so tiny there is no room to have fun.<br />
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<b>A Short Story</b><br />
If you ever wanted to try your hand at being a writer, you can write a short erotic story for your spouse staring the two of you. You can start with a realistic situation, like the kids all take off to spend the weekend with their grandparents leaving the two of you alone, of more fantasy based. Be <a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2016/11/a-womans-guide-to-talking-sexy.html" target="_blank">daring and specific</a> in terms of the plot and the language. Fantasizing about being sexual with somebody you are actually allowed to be sexual with is not wrong. If your wife likes romance novels she'll love this, and most every guy loves to see passion in his wife. For extra kick, read it out loud to them when you are in bed together.<br />
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<b>Tickets to a concert, play or sports event</b><br />
Pick something they would love to see and get two tickets. One of those tickets is for you, not a friend of your spouse. Even if it is something they love and you can't stand, go, enjoy being with them and choose to have fun. You may find your horizons broadened. <br />
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<b>Lingerie</b><br />
Guys, don't buy lingerie for your wife. They know that it is really for you, and chances are what you pick out won't work as well for them as what they would pick for themselves. Even a gift card has that 'This present is for <strike>me</strike> you' feeling.<br />
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Ladies, YOU go buy some lingerie for yourself. Pick out something that makes you feel sexy and remember that 'the more it teases the more it pleases'. If you look like your are about 3 seconds away from being naked then you are on the right track.<br />
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Gift wrap it and give it to you husband to unwrap when the kids aren't around. Enjoy the look on his face when he realizes what it is and have a good laugh, then put it to good use (and not just that one night either).<br />
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Another options is to go shopping for it together. It's a great way to spend (the first part) of date night.<br />
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<b>A Marriage Strengthening Book</b><br />
This one can be a bit risky. You don't want to pick a book that makes your spouse feel like they are being criticized or that you are out to 'fix' them. Instead pick books that will help you do fun things together. There are a number of books out there on fun things couples can do for date night, or books/videos teaching you how to give a massage to each other. I would encourage you to not order those books online, but go out to your bookstore where you can look through them for a bit first and make sure they are right for you. With a how-to book on massage you can add in some massage oil and thick bathrobes and make a nice package out of it.<br />
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<b>An Intimate Game</b><br />
There are also a lot of games on the market for couples who want to combine the fun of game night with the fun of intimacy. You do have to be careful however, the artwork on the box or game pieces may not be appropriate, and the game play may wind up making somebody feel on the spot about doing something they are not comfortable with. Check the reviews for comments about that and also be sure the game can be customized to suit your tastes. Another option is to make your own game, or invent sexy rules to a game you already have. Strip Uno?<br />
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<b>Jewelry</b><br />
Yes, this one can be expensive, but I'm not talking about buying some nice jewelry just because it is nice. Find something that will be a symbol or reminder of something that connects the two of you, something meaningful. For men it can be cuff-links, or a tie clip, or a ring<br />
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It isn't about what it costs, it is about what it means. I gave my wife a pendant that was made mostly of wood, but it was wood that came from the tree where I asked if she would marry me.<br />
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These are just some initial suggestions, feel free to post any additional ideas in the comments below. You might also want to write out a special Christmas Wish List just for your spouse's eyes only.<br />
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Whatever you do this Christmas for gifts, be sure to make your spouse feel loved.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-86545436573024538162016-11-27T20:25:00.002-08:002016-11-27T20:25:41.429-08:00Making The Holidays Merry For Your Marriage<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nzRFZS5amxM/WDuwoXX1sYI/AAAAAAAAAIs/5glB2D4jnEswDEsBBacg9w0dpvSzm_lyACK4B/s1600/christmas-romantic-Kiss-wallpapers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nzRFZS5amxM/WDuwoXX1sYI/AAAAAAAAAIs/5glB2D4jnEswDEsBBacg9w0dpvSzm_lyACK4B/s320/christmas-romantic-Kiss-wallpapers.jpg" width="320" /></a>Christmas is a wonderful time, but often it introduces stressful moments and new demands on us that can take a toll on our relationship with our spouse. It doesn't have to be that way though, Christmas can (and should) be a time where your emotional, spiritual, and sexual bonds with each other are strengthened. Christ came to this world to make it possible for you and your family to be together forever. He wouldn't want the celebration of his birth to become an obstacle to having a wonderful relationship with your spouse. Here are some suggestions to help Christmas become something that strengthens your marriage:<br />
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<span style="color: red;"><b>Do Christmas Things Together</b></span><br />
There are lots of tasks that are specific to Christmas. Putting up the tree and decorating it, putting up Christmas lights outside, shopping for gifts, baking, cooking Christmas dinner, etc. etc. etc. While it is not practical to do all of those things as a couple, there are many that can be shared. Shopping for gifts for the kids together can be a great date night activity. Men, don't assume you can't help with Christmas dinner, ask what you can do to help.<br />
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<span style="color: #6aa84f;"><b>Service</b></span><br />
Often Christmas opens up opportunities to serve others, and this is something that can sometimes be done as a couple. Also, going a little further out of our way to serve our spouse and express gratitude for them is very much in keeping with the spirit of Christmas and helps shed holiday stress<br />
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<span style="color: red;"><b>Keep The Spirit In Your Home </b></span><br />
Christmas can make it easier to keep the spirit in your home. Music can be a powerful force to bring in the spirit, and Christmas overflows with music. Play positive Christmas music softly in the background to create that Christmas feeling in the home and car. Likewise, there are inspiring Christmas movies that also invite the spirit into your home.<br />
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Above all, do not let the business of Christmas keep you from having family prayer, prayer with your spouse, personal prayer, family home evening, and personal and family scripture study. Be sure that the parts of the scriptures relevant to Christmas are read aloud at some point.<br />
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<span style="color: #6aa84f;"><b>Family Traditions</b></span><br />
For a newly married couple, each will have their own families
traditions they grew up with, and over the years they will merge and augment those to form their own
unique way of celebrating. My father came from Scandinavia. Our Christmas traditions were influenced by those of his homeland. When my wife and I started having Christmas on our own rather than at her parent's or mine, we had to define what 'our' Christmas would be like.<br />
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Traditions are good when they remind us of important things and help bring us closer together. If you don't have some Christmas traditions unique to your family, it is never too late to start one. One we started for our family is that each year we get a new ornament for the tree that in some way refers to one or more important events from the past year. We have a ornaments that commemorate the births of our children, the purchase of our first home, and other milestones. This has made decorating the Christmas tree a trip down memory lane, a reminder of the blessings we have received over the years.<br />
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<span style="color: red;"><b>Make Time For Intimacy, And Make It Special</b></span><br />
Absolutely do not let intimacy take a back seat to Christmas preparations, instead take the opportunity to make it something extra special. Deliberately plan your days and evenings so that you will have time and energy for each other. Make yourself a gift for your spouse, literally even! There are a lot of Christmas themed things that can be done to spice things up. You can even have intimate Christmas traditions that only the two of you know about. You can send each other Christmas wish lists that are for their eyes only and set about making something from your spouse's list your gift to them.<br />
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Don't limit intimacy to the bedroom either, go for a romantic walk in the snow, make a snowman, see if you can still ice skate, go spend time together enjoying the beautiful sights, sounds, tastes and experiences that are only available this time of year. <br />
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That should be a good starting point for you to work with, the details will have to be up to the two of you. I count the opportunity to be together with my wife for eternity to be the greatest blessing God has given me, and I know that would not be possible had Christ had not come, so to me Christmas and my marriage are strongly linked to each other.<br />
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I hope you all have a VERY Merry Christmas.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-78965259662935972532016-11-06T17:44:00.000-08:002016-11-06T17:44:04.135-08:00A Woman's Guide To Talking Sexy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WBP9KWgym0w/WB-6hrFMb2I/AAAAAAAAAHk/wNz8-XodRIgYqjAYUwfZVcLK_rkdMaa4QCK4B/s1600/The-ways-men-and-women-talk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WBP9KWgym0w/WB-6hrFMb2I/AAAAAAAAAHk/wNz8-XodRIgYqjAYUwfZVcLK_rkdMaa4QCK4B/s320/The-ways-men-and-women-talk.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Just as most women want their husband to be able to open up and talk about his feelings, most husbands would love to hear their wife open up to them about her sexual thoughts, feelings, and desires. And just as talking about feelings is often a learned skill for men, sexy talk is often something that a woman needs to work at developing.<br />
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<b>Give Yourself Permission</b><br />
The first step is to give yourself permission. For many the biggest hurdle to overcome is the idea that a proper Mormon wife
just wouldn't talk like that. It isn't classy, it isn't lady-like, it's
dirty. This isn't about being a lady, this is about being a woman, his woman. You are his wife, and your sexuality is not 'dirty' or shameful or low-class. If talking sexily stretches you to the edge of your comfort zone, keep in mind that you are not just allowed, but commanded to be intimate with your husband, so why would it be wrong to think or speak with your husband about something you are allowed to actually do together? <br />
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As his wife, it is perfectly OK for you to have sexual thoughts about your husband, to bask in the feeling of desire for him and linger on sexual fantasies staring the two of you. It is also perfectly OK to talk with your husband erotically, sharing such thoughts and feelings with him and express in very detailed and clear terms what you like, want, and hope for. You can and should express gratitude and appreciation for his sexual nature and for what sexual fulfillment he give you.<br />
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<b>Be Honest and Sincere</b><br />
Any intimate conversation should
be about sharing how you really feel, not about saying whatever words
will produce the reaction you want, true or not. Don't be a tease
who winds up her man saying things that don't reflect how she actually
feels. It's only fun until somebody gets hurt.<br />
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If you have trouble thinking and feeling that way about your husband,
make the effort to work past that. If there are unresolved conflicts
or hurts that are getting in the way, focus on taking care of those first. If
you have not been able to give yourself permission to think and feel
that way about him, work on that, even pray for it.<br />
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<b>Get Comfortable With Sexy Words</b><br />
You need to develop some comfort using erotic words and language. Innuendo is great, but so is a clear, direct statement. There are many proper and slang expressions that refer to male and female intimate body parts. Those that are disrespectful or offensive to your spouse should not be used, but the rest are fair game if both you and your husband are comfortable with them. Likewise there are other words and phrases that in one context would be cursing, but in another context are just accurate, emotional expressions.<br />
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If you have not done much of this before there can be a lot of discomfort saying something even when it is only slightly erotic, but practice builds confidence. A letter, text or email may be an easier way to start, or memorize some specific things to say in advance and practice saying them in your head and out loud when nobody is around. Another option may be to make a video or audio recording to send to your spouse, but be sure it will stay private. When you feel ready, you can talk sexily to him face to face when alone together, or quietly whisper something in his ear when out in public, even at church. It defiantly should be part of your foreplay, and afterglow.<br />
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<b>Be Specific and Descriptive</b><br />
Men's visual nature often leads them to picture in their mind the things they hear said, and sexy talk is largely about painting a mental picture for them. The more specific and descriptive you can be, the clearer their picture will be and the greater effect it will have on them. Try to make reference to specific actions, feelings, settings, events, and body parts rather than 'safe' generic or general terms.<br />
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Make use of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkuuZEey_bs" target="_blank">adjectives</a> to bring detail to the items you are mentioning. It helps clarify the picture and also helps your husband to see things as you see them. He may be surprised to hear how he looks in your eyes. Adjectives should be liberally used to describe anything you mention when talking sexily to your husband, the location, clothing, furniture, weather, whatever. The clearer you make the picture the better<br />
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Likewise, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDwXHTcodNg" target="_blank">adverbs </a>clarify the action and turn the picture into a movie. Rather than paint a picture, you can play out the best love scene ever inside their head featuring the two of you.<br />
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One thing to avoid is saying the same things the same way so often that they become vain repetitions in the ears of your husband. <br />
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<b>Examples</b><br />
Consider the following examples which express the same idea but with increasing levels of specifics and description: <br />
<br />
I love it when you hug me<br />
I really love long hugs with you.<br />
I really love being held for a while in your arms. <br />
My heart still skips a beat when you take me in your strong arms and hold me tight against you like you want to hold me forever.<br />
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Can you see how expanding the simple remarks makes it a more powerful expression of love and desire? If that last one is too over the top for you, that's OK, just recognize the power behind being very clear.<br />
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Obviously I'm not going to give examples relating to acts far more intimate than a hug, but you can come up with those yourself. If you ever did Mad Libs, you may find that kind of approach helpful (filling in the blanks yourself, not asking others to provide the missing words). Try this one:<br />
<br />
I <adverb> <verb> every time your <adjective>, <adjective> <noun> <plural verb> my <adjective> <noun>.<br />
<br />
Don't worry about feeling awkward at the start. Men are not big drama critics and are likely to be so thrilled to see your sexual confidence and desire that they won't have any complaints at all. The small amount of time it takes to move forward on this will pay off quickly, and you may just find that it gets your motor running a bit too.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-77960583661448199182016-10-23T16:14:00.000-07:002016-10-23T16:14:18.594-07:00A Man's Guide to Talking About His Feelings<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mvedkn5wJbw/WA1BBuSF7cI/AAAAAAAAAGw/Sd_PbEnzZLoKahR8gJLesBP5cwMO-zj4wCLcB/s1600/sheet-music.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="98" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mvedkn5wJbw/WA1BBuSF7cI/AAAAAAAAAGw/Sd_PbEnzZLoKahR8gJLesBP5cwMO-zj4wCLcB/s320/sheet-music.jpg" width="320" /></a>The old stereotype that men really don't want to talk about their feelings exists for a reason. It isn't that men don't have feelings, in fact I think in many cases men have far more powerful emotions than women do. Powerful enough to lead a man into self defeating or even destructive behaviour under some circumstances. The problem doesn't lie in feeling feelings, the challenge for many of us men is in translating feelings into words, and biology is not on our side.<br />
<a href="http://www.fitbrains.com/blog/women-men-brains/" target="_blank"><br /></a>
<a href="http://www.fitbrains.com/blog/women-men-brains/" target="_blank">The human mind is divided into two hemisphere's, left and right.</a> Each hemisphere has it's own area of specialty. For example, the left side is used for logic, math, language, calculating. If you are thinking in words, that is your left brain at work. Conversely, the right brain is used for imagination, creativity, intuition, emotions and non-verbal communications.<br />
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So, emotions arise in the right brain, but to fashion them into words is the job of the left brain. Now this is the same for both men and women, but the difference is that women are highly connected across the left and right brain compared to men. They are able to transfer data between each side much faster and that enables them to talk about their feelings with much greater ease. For men it is easier to keep all that on the right side, express our emotions in actions and other non-verbal communications.<br />
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There is also some cultural pressure on men to keep their feelings to themselves. Many men subconsciously feel they are in constant state of competition. We are uncomfortable exposing any weakness fearing others will use them against us, or feel it will make us less masculine. We shun making ourselves vulnerable but that is exactly what is required of us in order to talk about our feelings.<br />
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None of means that that men can't talk about their feelings, but it does mean it is a skill that needs to be deliberately acquired. Here are suggestions that may help.<br />
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<b>Take Time</b><br />
Imagine you are driving along, and some really great song you never heard before comes on the radio. After the song was over, would you be able to write out the sheet music for it? Probably not. If you wanted to do that you would have to go over it multiple times, in small parts, listening again and again to the same stanzas before moving on to the next. In the end you likely would have a close but imperfect version of the song.<br />
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This is a lot like the process of turning feelings into words. It takes time, we need to go over in our heads multiple times what we feel (several emotions can arise all together) what caused those feelings, and perhaps hardest of all: why those particular emotions were provoked by whatever stimulated them. Introspection is a skill gained by doing it, and it is a skill that is needed to overcome the natural man. While we may not perfectly convey our feelings in words, we can get close.<br />
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Negative emotions often push us to act rashly, and many an unkind word or deed has resulted from that (followed by hurt and regret). It is better to remain quiet and work out how to talk about whatever happened than to lash out. If we feel it may take us a while to master our emotions and distill
them into words, we may want to tell our spouse that this is something
we'll need to have a conversation about later. It is also a bad thing for a relationship to never talk about it, bury the feelings and allow resentment and hurt and anger to fester in the dark.<br />
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Positive emotions are easier to deal with since your spouse likely will react very favorably. There is still a lot of value in taking time to look inward and examine the source of those feelings and find a way to express them verbally.<br />
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<b>Use The Written Word</b><br />
There are some real advantages to using the written word to express feelings. First, it forces you to take your time and gives you the chance to go over what you say and get it as right as you can before your wife reads any of it. Second, if you are expressing something that will bring positive emotions in your spouse, they have it to keep and read again. Third, you are not going to be thrown off topic by some question or comment.<br />
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<b>Break it up</b><br />
You don't have to cover everything in one
conversion. Often it is easier to break it up into smaller topics and
discuss each one of them individually, in separate conversations. If a
conversation is increasing anger and hurt rather than healing it, take a
break and continue it the next day. <br />
<br />
<b>Choose The Time and Place Carefully</b><br />
The nature and topic of the conversation should define the setting the conversation takes place in. Compliments and expressions of love are acceptable in many circumstances, but resolving conflicts and discussing less than positive emotions often require a high degree of privacy. Physical intimacy such as being held can help promote a feeling of safety and acceptance that makes it easier to open up emotionally.<br />
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<b>Embrace Vulnerability</b><br />
This is you wife you are talking with. If you don't feel safe dropping all the walls of emotional self defense with her, then something needs to change. If there are things happening in the marriage that create a reluctance to make yourself emotionally vulnerable, perhaps those are the first things you need to discuss. If that is not the case then you are going to have do the brave thing and take a risk, let your soft spots show and trust that she won't knowingly go after them. This is not going to make you any less of a man in her eyes. It will increase your emotional intimacy, and that will likely lead to greater spiritual and physical intimacy in the relationship as well.<br />
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Ladies, be sure to cut your man some slack. Don't expect him to instantly be like you in this area. Give him the time he needs and be encouraging and grateful for his effort. Don't overlook the non-verbal expressions of his feelings either.<br />
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Men, if you can master the ability to look inside at your emotions and find the words to discuss your feelings with your spouse, it will greatly bless your marriage. On top of that you will be able to do the same in your relationship with God. You will be able to pray like you never have before. God gave us weaknesses so that we can overcome them and become strong in those very areas. It is never too late to rise to the challenge.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-49843835881766668022016-10-04T21:17:00.002-07:002017-10-24T18:11:45.709-07:00Out of the best marriage books...<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: blue;"><i>I've created a Facebook page for this blog. I'll share new and past blog posts there and I'll also be posting relevant news articles with commentary and brief posts that won't be part of the blog. If you go to the page at </i><b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/LDMarriage" target="_blank">facebook.com/LDMarriage</a> </b><i>and Like it, then it you can have all that content show on your Facebook wall. Please also invite others to visit and like the page, or share content from it.</i></span></span><br />
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A successful marriage includes a successful sexual relationship (however the couple together would define success), but it is not realistic to expect an easy path to a mutually satisfying sexual relationship in an environment of sexual ignorance. The mechanics of reproduction are typically not a mystery, adults know what goes where, but the art of being a skilled lover and how to manage the very emotional nature of a sexual relationship are topics many Mormons feel uncomfortable making a focus of study.<br />
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When I got engaged I was keenly aware of my ignorance in these areas and it gave me more than a little apprehension about my ability to give my bride a wedding night that would live up to her expectations. My ignorance was a shame to me, and the prospect of somebody seeing me buy a 'sex book' or asking anybody for guidance was terrifying. <br />
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At some point my fears overpowered my shame and I went to some out of the way bookstore I never went to before (or since) and purchased a well known book on sexuality. While there was some useful information in it, the entire topic was treated without reverence, and the images in the book were clearly intended to be more erotic than educational (which I suppose was why it was shrink wrapped in the store). All in all I wouldn't call it the best experience, but it got me started.<br />
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A little while later I was in an LDS Bookstore and unexpectedly came across a paperback with a blue cover that was written to help prepare ignorant virgin Mormons like myself for the sexual side of marriage. I don't' recall the title of the book but it was small and thin enough to fit in a suit coat pocket. I sheepishly purchased it. The content was far more helpful and reverent towards sexuality and it left me feeling much better prepared.<br />
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While our wedding night was a success, the early years of our marriage was a time where everything was wonderful, except in the bedroom. My wife had little desire for intimacy and it bothered me greatly. At times I blamed myself, wondering if things would improve if I could better please her, sometimes I wondered if the problem was she no longer loved me like before. My job downtown was in an office building that was beside a very large bookstore, and sometimes on my lunch break I would go there and try to find a book that would help fix this one sore spot in our marriage. I still struggled with the fear of others seeing me do this since the book shelves were not high enough to hide me, but I desperately wanted our marriage to improve in this area.<br />
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Over time I've found a number of books that were helpful, and my wife likewise made an effort to learn, and found resources that were helpful to her. I'm no longer ashamed to head into Chapter's and check out or purchase a book on marriage or sexuality. It is Satan that wants us to feel shame over it and overcoming that is a big step forward.<br />
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As I found early on however, there are books on sexuality that treat the topic with due reverence and, and others that do not. Below are some books that I would encourage you to consider reading:<br />
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<a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51JkAP9lZgL._SX372_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51JkAP9lZgL._SX372_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg" width="149" /></a><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/They-Were-Not-Ashamed-Strengthening/dp/1587830345/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1475635277&sr=8-3&keywords=laura+m+brotherson" target="_blank">And They Were Not Ashamed - Laura M. Brotherson</a></b><br />
If you only read one book on marriage and intimacy, it should be this one. Physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy are covered in detail, accurately portraying both male and female perspectives. Each chapter has exercises that are relevant and helpful. The teachings of latter-day prophets and apostles are prominently featured in the text and the content is harmonious with the moral standards taught by the church. <br />
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For my wife, it was very helpful to hear some of the things said in this book from a woman and presented in a gospel context. It they had come from a man she may have dismissed them as self serving, and if they came from a non-Mormon she would be tempted to write it off as the way of the world. It also covers how to raise children so they are better prepared for marriage. Likewise it was a great help to me in understanding my wife's feelings on several fronts.<br />
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<a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51g4DrWIQ2L._SX338_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51g4DrWIQ2L._SX338_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg" width="136" /></a><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800719387/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1475635819&sr=8-1&keywords=his+needs%2C+her+needs" target="_blank">His Needs, Her Needs - Willard F. Jr. Harley</a></b><br />
This book details the top five relationship needs for men, and the top five relationship needs for women and teaches spouses how strengthen a marriage by satisfying those needs for their partner. While it does generalize about men's and women's needs, it is an excellent starting place for a couple to discuss and learn more about each other.<br />
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<a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51rV-3xwEJL._SX321_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51rV-3xwEJL._SX321_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg" width="129" /></a><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1475636132&sr=8-1&keywords=5+love+languages" target="_blank">The 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman </a></b><br />
Just because you feel love for your spouse doesn't mean your spouse feels loved. All of us have a set of internal 'rules' that govern what looks like an expression of love to us and what doesn't. This book lays our those rules in terms of 'languages' or ways we express love. For a spouse to feel loved, their partner must express their love in the language their spouse understands. While it also is a generalization, it is a useful framework for a couple to use in teaching each other how to show their love for each other.<br />
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<b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Personality-Plus-Florence-Littauer/dp/8183220002/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1475636536&sr=8-2&keywords=personality+plus" target="_blank">Personality Plus - Florence Littauer</a></b><br />
While this book is not specifically about the marriage relationship, it is certainly helpful in building a stronger marriage. In this book the characteristics, strengths, and weaknesses of 4 basic personality types are discussed, along with how the different types relate with each other. Having a better understanding of your spouse's innate personality traits helps reduce personality conflicts, and the same skills are useful in dealing with children, co-workers, people at church etc.<br />
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/0060520620/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1475636959&sr=8-1&keywords=the+proper+care+and+feeding+of+husbands+by+dr.+laura+schlessinger" target="_blank"><br /></a>
<a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51a6iJPPfnL._SX329_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51a6iJPPfnL._SX329_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg" width="132" /></a><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/0060520620/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1475636959&sr=8-1&keywords=the+proper+care+and+feeding+of+husbands+by+dr.+laura+schlessinger" target="_blank">The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands - Laura Schlessinger</a></b><br />
One of the joys of marriage is to have somebody who is so different from you in so many ways love you in spite of those difference, but sometimes those same things make it hard to understand each other and lead to frustration. Society also projects an image of marriage that often leads women to treat their husbands in ways that are counterproductive. Dr. Laura takes on the task of helping wives to understand their husbands and work with them in her typical, no-holds-barred style.<br />
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There are of course other books that are worthwhile, but these 4 should be at the top of the list for most couples. It works best if both spouses read them, and that can even be a date night thing, but even if they are read by only one spouse they will be beneficial.<br />
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We hold that the glory of God is intelligence, and the church stresses life long learning. Certainly God is perfectly knowledgeable in this area. It may mean stepping out of your comfort zone as it did for me, but the blessings of learning the skills of marriage may be result in the greatest blessings of your life.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-68333878771586730092016-08-28T19:53:00.001-07:002018-05-23T15:42:50.624-07:00What's the word on oral sex?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is a topic I approach knowing there is a risk of creating more heat than light. Please keep in mind as you read this that my remarks here are my own personal understanding. You are free to reject what I say here, and I actually hope nobody here blindly takes my word on anything I post but searches for confirmation from the highest authority.<br />
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Oral sex, both in the form of fellatio (ie: a woman orally pleasuring a man) or cunnilingus (a man orally pleasuring a woman), is nothing new. Many Bible scholars say that Songs of Solomon 2:3 and 4:16 are alluding to oral sex, and although that book has a somewhat questionable status to us, it does at least suggest that ancient Jews and Christians were OK with the idea of oral sex.<br />
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Over the past several decades oral sex has become something talked about far more openly than in the past, and it is far more frequently referred to in popular media as a pleasurable act both men and women normally desire and even expect. It is not considered an uncommon act and I expect the percentage of married Mormons who have oral sex to be about the same as for married non-Mormons, at least among the younger generations of married couples.<br />
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There is no question that oral sex is a sexual act though, and any unmarried couple who engage in it are in violation of the law of chastity. There is sometimes a question in the minds of some Latter-Day Saints however if this is also off limits for a married couple.<br />
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<b>"The Letter"</b><br />
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In the entire history of the church, there has been one (and only one) time where oral sex has been referred to, and unfortunately that one reference was mistaken to be a doctrinal position of the church. I believe that looking at what was said in context should lead to a different conclusion.<br />
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The document in question is a January 1982 letter from The First Presidency to all Stake, Mission, and District Presidents, plus Branch Presidents and Bishops. The letter is two pages long and its purpose was to provide guidelines for leaders conducting worthiness interviews, not specifically to address any sexual questions. I will not provide a link to the the letter since these days it can only be found on websites hostile toward the church, who use it to mock the church over the following part:<br />
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<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
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<span style="color: blue;"><b>When interviewing married persons, the one doing the
interviewing should scrupulously avoid indelicate inquiries which may be
offensive to the sensibilities of those being interviewed.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: blue;"><b>Married persons should <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>understand that if in their marital relations
they are guilty of unnatural, impure, or unholy practices, they should not
enter the temple unless and until they repent and discontinue any such
practice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Husbands and wives who are aware
of these requirements can determine by themselves their standing before the
Lord.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of this should be conveyed
without having priesthood leaders <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>focus
upon intimate matters which are a part of husband and wife relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Skillful interviewing and counseling can
occur without discussion of clinical details by placing firm responsibility on
individual members of the Church to put their lives in order before exercising
the privilege of entering a house of the Lord.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an
unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask
about it, he should discontinue it. (Letter from The First Presidency, Jan 5, 1982)</b></span></div>
</blockquote>
Unfortunately a lot of church leaders had a knee-jerk reaction that lead them asking couples what they were doing in the bedroom, and also counseling them that oral sex was a sin. News of this reached The First Presidency and on October 15th there was another letter stating:<br />
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<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;"><b>In conducting worthiness interviews you should follow
carefully the instructions contained in our letter of January 5, 1982.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, you should never inquire into the
personal, intimate matters involving marital relations between a man and his
wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You should never deviate from or
go beyond the specific questions contained in the temple recommend book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If in the course of such interviews a member
asks questions about the propriety of specific conduct, you should not pursue
the matter but should merely suggest that if the member has enough anxiety
about the propriety f the conduct to ask about it, the best course would be to
discontinue it. (Letter from The First Presidency, Oct 15, 1982)</b></span></blockquote>
<b>What it means and what it doesn't </b><br />
<br />
There is still the lingering belief among many that the church views oral sex as morally wrong because of these letters. I would dispute that for the following reasons:<br />
<br />
The first letter specifically states that their negative view on oral sex is <u><b>their interpretation</b></u>. They do not claim it to be revelation, inspiration, church policy or anything other than their own interpretation. Their interpretation is partly the product of their upbringing and cultural environment of their generation in that location. <br />
<br />
This was also something mentioned once in passing in a letter to certain leaders of the church and never taught to the body of the church. Given that the church has no qualms over condemning masturbation, homosexual behaviour, fornication, immodest dress, and other socially accepted immoralities I would expect them to also be vocal about oral sex being immoral, if in fact we had some indication from God that it was. Instead we have total silence on the question, and priesthood leaders being directed to not get into asking about it. Even in Handbook 1 and 2 say nothing beyond what is in the second letter and I expect a great many of you reading this had never even heard of the first letter. <br />
<br />
Also, the first letter emphasizes that husbands and wives "can determine by themselves their standing before the
Lord" and that the responsibility is on individual members. In other words, couples are to determine between themselves and God where the boundaries should be in their relationship. It doesn't make sense to give that instruction, then go contrary to it laying out a rule for all couples. It does make sense however to see what they said on oral sex as an example of them following that counsel, and by so doing coming to that interpretation. This is not a church however that is governed by the interpretations of men, and doctrine is not established by a one time opinion expressed in a letter that wasn't even to the church as a whole. What they said deserves respectful consideration, but we are not obligated to adopt their interpretation.<br />
<br />
So, I feel it is perfectly accurate to say that the members of The First Presidency back then held as their own view that oral sex was unnatural etc., but I do not consider it accurate at all to say that the position of the church was the same. As far as I can tell, the church has no official position on oral sex now, and never has in the past either. <br />
<br />
<b>A Definite Maybe</b><br />
<br />
So, is oral sex an immoral act that every married couple should abstain from? If you need an answer to that, you will need to seek it for yourself. No such revelation has come to the church and I wouldn't expect it to. If you personally feel this is something God doesn't want you to do, you need to go with that, but don't project on to God any personal inhibitions or feelings you may have about it.<br />
<br />
Does that mean oral sex is perfectly OK for you and your spouse to do? Perhaps, perhaps not. It does mean however that you and your spouse should only go ahead with if you both are comfortable with doing it, and if you both feel that God is OK with you taking that path. One couple may reach one conclusion, and another couple may reach another. Not everything is one size fits all.<br />
<br />
In my opinion (and I stress that this is my opinion), I do not feel it is inherently wrong within the boundaries of marriage. God made more than one kind of tree, one kind of flower, one kind of fruit. He gave us a world filled with variety, and likewise I don't think God requires us to limit ourselves to one form of intimacy. For some elderly couples, people with disabilities or other conditions, oral sex may be the only form of intimacy they can enjoy. Some women are only able to reach orgasm through oral stimulation. It fulfills the divine purpose intimacy has of bonding the husband and wife to each other. <br />
<br />
But even without moral objections there may still be valid reasons for a couple to not include this act in their lives. It is not unusual for somebody to be uncomfortable with the idea of oral sex for reasons that have nothing to do with morality and sin. Hygienic concerns are common even though you expose yourself to more germs, bacteria etc. by kissing. Body image or negative associations of oral sex with something undesirable can create inhibitions. The idea may simply be a turn off, or it may be an act linked to past traumatic experiences they do not want to have re-triggered.<br />
<br />
Pushing a spouse to participate in something sexual that they are not comfortable with, no matter what act it is, is abusive. No intimate experience should pleasure one spouse at the expense of the emotional peace and well being of the other. At the same time, choosing to overcome needless inhibition to become a better lover for your spouse is a very loving thing. <br />
<br />
It is also not a good thing to make one's happiness in their marriage dependent on a spouse's willingness to engage in oral sex. Who you are intimate with is far, far more important than what form that intimacy takes, as long as there is intimacy. A lack of oral sex may be a cause for a mild case of unsatisfied curiosity or longing, but it should never be a source of conflict in a marriage. Don't let such a minor thing be a crack Satan can place his wedge in and hammer away at your marriage.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-53740900250410537752016-02-07T17:39:00.003-08:002016-02-07T17:39:45.864-08:00Fight For Your Marriage Part 4: Delivery<a href="http://cdn2.hubspot.net/hubfs/159841/writing_a_reference_letter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn2.hubspot.net/hubfs/159841/writing_a_reference_letter.jpg" height="211" width="320" /></a><b><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Read <a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2015/05/fight-for-your-marriage-part-1.html" target="_blank">Part 1</a>, <a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2015/08/fight-for-your-marriage-part-2-messages.html" target="_blank">Part 2</a> and <a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2016/01/fight-for-your-marriage-part-3-more.html" target="_blank">Part 3</a> first if you haven't yet.</i></span></b> </b><br />
<b><br /></b>Now comes the hard part. Actually bringing up the topic and delivering the message you need to send. There are a number of different options and you will have to make a judgement call on what works best. You may find your first choice to be not as effective as you hoped and switch to something else, but don't stop trying.<br />
<br />
Just remember that you must not make them feel accused, blamed, judged, or threatened with any kind of consequence. The objective is to develop mutual understanding so mutually satisfying solution can be found. You two are a team, not opponents.<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<b>Rhetorical Tools</b></h3>
There are a few rhetorical tools that will help to get your message across in a positive way. These can be used no matter what method is use to communicate. These tools are:<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Feel Statements</b><br />
Anytime you feel inclined to make an accusation or lay blame, change it to a <a href="http://www.drnadig.com/feelings.htm" target="_blank">feel statement</a>. A feel statement describes the effect on you that their behaviour has. For example:<br />
<br />
"When you refuse to be intimate with me saying you are too tired, and then spend the next hour watching TV, I feel like you were not honest with me, avoiding me, and don't care how I feel."<br />
<br />
That sounds a lot better than saying "You lie to me to avoid being intimate with me and don't care how I feel". With a feel statement the only objection they can make is to claim they don't recall doing such a thing. You may need to remind them of specifics. <br />
<br />
With an accusation you create a confrontation and force them to go on the defensive which will make it a lot harder to make progress. A feel statement gives them an opening to explain what their thinking is, what their motives and reasons are. When they do that it could drastically change your perspective, or make them aware of how their actions are impacting you.<br />
<br />
<b>Emotional Word Pictures</b><br />
<a href="http://saltandlight2005.blogspot.ca/2007/07/words-and-pictures.html" target="_blank">Emotional word pictures</a> are a very useful way to help somebody relate to the feelings you have about something by comparing it to an emotional situation they already relate to. You paint for them a picture with your words that evokes in them the emotions you want them to connect with what you are trying to explain to them. To do that you need to know them well enough to know what kind of situation would have that kind of impact on them (even though it may not have that kind of emotional impact on you).<br />
<br />
Say for example your spouse just can't understand why being refused for sex causes you to feel hurt (after all, it wouldn't hurt their feelings), but they have a great empathy for the feelings of little children. You could say something like:<br />
<br />
"Imagine you are a 2 year old and it's Sunday and you've been in Nursery for 2 hours. You mother comes into the room and you are so happy to see her you run to her to give her a big hug, but she steps back and puts out her hand to stop you and says she doesn't feel like being hugged. How do you think that child would feel, how do you think that child would feel if that happened a lot of the time? That is like how I feel when you refuse my advances.'<br />
<br />
By setting up a situation they relate to on an emotional level, then comparing it to a similar situation they don't relate to, they can come to understand things from your perspective better.<br />
<br />
<b>Questions</b><br />
Once on my mission my companion knocked on a door and woman answered and quickly turned us down, saying she was Catholic. I suddenly asked her why she was a Catholic. I hadn't planned on doing anything like that, the question just came out. I felt I had been rude but she took the question seriously and hesitantly replied it was probably because she was raised Catholic. I then asked (again without having planned to do this) if that was a good reason to be Catholic or not. I could tell this was a question she had never asked herself, and after a pause she said it wasn't. We invited her again to hear our message and although she turned us down again, you could tell it was because she needed time to think about our exchange. Perhaps later on other missionaries got to teach her.<br />
<br />
Questions are powerful tools you can use to get your spouse to look inside themselves and figure out what their own motives, beliefs and objectives that create their behaviour. A lot of what they do may be nothing more than an unthinking habit, like that woman's Catholic faith. Questions like: What do you gain from that behaviour? How would you feel if you acted this way instead? What do you think needs to change? can get them to look inside themselves and open up to you. Be sure to ask yourself the same kinds of questions.<br />
<br />
<b>Repetition</b><br />
When there is something that is hard to wrap your head around, you need to hear it a few times before you really get it. The mind has patterns of thinking about things that can be like a mental rut. Even if someone manages to get out of the rut after a conversation, they can easily slip back into the same rut the next day. It takes time and repetition to replace an old rut with a better rut. It takes time and repetition to replace an old rut with a better rut.<br />
<h3>
<b></b></h3>
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<b>Methods of Communication</b></h3>
Different methods of communication have different levels of 'richness' to them. For example, written communication doesn't convey facial expression, tone of voice, or the emotion of the writer as easily as a face to face conversation does, so it doesn't have the richness of the a live conversation. There are benefits and drawbacks with every method. We'll start with the least rich methods and work our way up the scale. <br />
<br />
<b>Texts</b><br />
Texting is a great way to send a short, quick message of affection, praise or gratitude to your spouse. It is a terrible way of trying to explain complex emotions and work through challenges, don't even try to use it for that, but do send your spouse texts that affirm your feelings for them or uplift them in other ways. It can also be used to set up a time later on for a conversation, chat or call.<br />
<br />
There is nothing wrong with sending your spouse highly erotic texts, including photos or videos of a sexual nature if you dare, as long as you know your spouse will respond positively to them. If you do this I would strongly recommend that you use one of the <a href="http://www.digitaltrends.com/mobile/best-romantic-apps/" target="_blank">many apps</a> out there for couples that helps to ensure the privacy of your messages and also helps prevent anything accidentally being sent to the wrong person. <br />
<br />
<b>Email / Written letter</b><br />
The written word can be an extremely effective communication tool and you may want to consider it as the first option to try. You can take as much time as you need to compose your message and put lots of thought and prayer into how you phrase things. You can make sure you hit all the points you want to hit and don't have to worry about being sidetracked by a remark from your spouse. You can sleep on it after writing it, pray for guidance in writing it and for and confirmation that it is ready before you send it. Your spouse can read it on their schedule and take time to think about things before either sending a reply or having a conversation. This can all help keep things from getting out of hand emotionally and it makes it much easier to avoid or handle passive aggressive behaviors like denial, blame shifting, revising history, guilt trips, and avoidance.<br />
<br />
On the downside, sometimes the depth of emotion doesn't come across in the written word, likewise for humor or sarcasm or just the tone of the message. Words can be misunderstood, mail could be ignored and left unread. You may get a reply that is a emotional reaction rather than the result of thoughtful consideration. <br />
<br />
For some people, a handwritten letter caries more weight than a typed letter or email. If you are giving them a written letter, it may be best to deliver it in person, and ask them face to face to read it and get back to you after thinking about it, and follow up in a few days asking if they have read it yet.<br />
<br />
<b>Online Chat</b><br />
Online chats are a bit better than texting or sending mail as you get quicker feedback, but it is still a written form of communication and prone to the same weaknesses as letters and texting. On top of that, while you can take a bit of time to think about your response to something, you can't take too long. I it also more prone the the challenges that come with a face to face conversation. You might as well go with a phone call or face to face conversation.<br />
<br />
<b>Phone / Video Call</b><br />
A phone or video call is nearly the same as a face to face conversation, both in terms of advantages and challenges. It is still preferable in most cases for there to physical proximity though. If talking face to face, or waiting until it's possible to get together to do that is not practical, or if you feel unsafe having these kinds of discussion in the physical presence of your spouse than this is a good substitute for getting together.<br />
<br />
<b>Face to Face Conversation</b><br />
This is the richest form of communication, and also the most challenging. You won't be able to avoid it however, at some point you are going to have a heart to heart talk with your spouse.<br />
<br />
Obviously this should happen in a private setting where there is ample time to talk. In the evening together in the bedroom works for most people. You can use physical touch to help keep the situation calmer. Cuddle up to your spouse, or hold them, or just hold their hand. Physical contact releases the bonding hormone <a href="http://io9.gizmodo.com/5925206/10-reasons-why-oxytocin-is-the-most-amazing-molecule-in-the-world" target="_blank">Oxytocin</a> putting you both in a better frame of mind for such a conversation. Starting with a prayer wouldn't hurt either.<br />
<br />
You need to think through what you are going to say ahead of time, have a plan. Be prepared with the messages you intend to deliver and for likely objections. If you need to, you can make some point form notes to cover but it may work better if you can avoid that. You will need to open up to your spouse and don't be afraid to let you feelings show a bit. Saying something hurts you but looking like everything is fine can undermine the message. Don't exaggerate or fake anything though, and don't let your emotions get in way of delivering your message.<br />
<br />
Don't leave them feeling like they've been taken to the woodshed. Express your love, appreciation, desire and respect for them and be sure to frame the conversation as the two of you working together on a common goal. You need their help, they need yours. Express your needs as simple statements of fact, not demands or expectations. <br />
<br />
In spite of your best efforts, the conversation may reach a point where there is contention and things are too heated. Or it may just be going on for too long. You may have to end the conversation for a time, and either go back to it later (the next night or soon after) or change methods and write them a letter instead. In some cases it may be helpful to have such conversations in the presence of a professional marriage counselor who can help keep things on track and defuse harsh emotions so the conversation can continue to be productive.<br />
<br />
One of the hardest things about having a face to face conversation is how easily the discussion can get sidetracked or bogged down in side issues. If your spouse is bringing up concerns, don't shut them down to plow ahead with what you want to say, but don't let the conversation drift into unproductive areas. <br />
<br />
Your spouse may react in a defensive way, denying there is a problem or denying their acted in certain ways. They may try to shift the blame to you, saying that their misbehavior is a result of something you did wrong. They might claim events happened in a different way than you recall, or try to make you feel guilty for hurting their feelings by starting such conversation.<br />
<br />
It can be hard to not get distracted by any of these and it may take some practice. Don't apologize for trying to make your marriage better, don't apologize for seeking mutual sexual fulfillment (it is a righteous desire after all) or for taking on the emotionally difficult task of addressing the issues rather than risk the marriage by ignoring them. Do apologize for anything you've done that has contributed to the problem, but don't accept it as an excuse for their actions. Be clear in your mind about past events. You may need to point out (with kindness) when the same kinds of things happen again in the moment it happens if they have trouble believing they acted as you described. <br />
<br />
Something else that may come up is them claiming they have a need to not fulfill your need. If that happens, dig deeper. What is it about your need that makes it something they feel they need to avoid? If they went and fulfilled your need what would the cost be to them? If you can get below the surface you can find the real need. For example:<br />
<br />
Wife: I need to limit having sex to once a week at most. <br />
<br />
Husband: If we had sex 3 times in a week, how would that affect you negatively?<br />
<br />
Wife: I would lose too much sleep and be tired all the time. I usually don't orgasm so you leave me all wound up and I can't get to sleep for hours after and it is so frustrating.<br />
<br />
Husband: If we had sex three times a week and you had an orgasm each time so you slept well, would there be a problem.<br />
<br />
Wife: No, that would be great, but it doesn't happen like that. <br />
<br />
Husband: Would you be willing to look for a way to make it like that? I would love to give you orgasms every time. Can you help me give you that?<br />
<br />
The same situation could have a variety of causes, her issue could have been that having sex gave her needless feeling of guilt, or was physically painful, or doing it that often was something she considered being carnal, or some other reason. The point is to get down to what is really needed. The same goes for all needs, for both of you, look deep inside and see what is driving those needs, then you are in a position to find solutions you are both happy with.<br />
<br />
Lastly, understand that this is not a one time thing, it is a long term project. It will take several conversations before things start change. You'll likely have to address the same concerns and objections a number of times. As long as there is positive communication, there is progress being made. The hardest part is at the beginning. Once there is some progress it will fuel the desire and faith to go further. But even after you reach the point where your intimate life is wonderful, you will both still have to fight for your marriage, but by then you'll have learned to fight together and that makes a world of difference.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-13748826528746971892016-01-24T18:58:00.002-08:002016-02-20T20:01:21.464-08:00Fight For Your Marriage Part 3: More Messages<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://www.psychotherapy.net/data/uploads/l4caf694b3491c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://www.psychotherapy.net/data/uploads/l4caf694b3491c.jpg" /></a><b><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Read <a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2015/05/fight-for-your-marriage-part-1.html" target="_blank">Part 1</a> and <a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2015/08/fight-for-your-marriage-part-2-messages.html" target="_blank">Part 2</a> first if you haven't yet.</i></span></b> </b></div>
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There is little point talking with your spouse about improving the marriage sexually if they do not see any benefit in it.<b> </b>So before proceeding to send the messages below, make sure you have addressed any pushback from the first set of messages. Your spouse doesn't need to be fully convinced on every point before proceeding, but they do need to have a level of hope that a better marriage is possible and desirable. As <a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/32.28" target="_blank">Alma</a> taught, hope can lead to faith enough to try, and by trying one can come to know that something is good.<br />
<b><br /></b></div>
<b>Message 5: You are willing to make changes that will improve the marriage.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Pushback: You change your need for sex.<br />
<br />
Think you are the perfect spouse? You are not. There are things you do, or things you have done in the past, that contribute to the current situation. <br />
<br />
If your spouse sees this effort to improve the marriage as you putting all the blame on them and only requiring them to make
changes to suit you, then you can expect a lot of resistance and
defensiveness. Accept that you will need to make changes too, even if
right now you have no idea what those changes need to be.<br />
<br />
We look at our spouse's actions through the lens of our past experience, and they do the same with us. This can cause words and actions to be misunderstood, we can wrongly attribute motives to their actions because we assume they have the kind of motives would cause us to do those things. <br />
<br />
Often we need our spouse to point out areas where we harm intimacy in our marriage. Is there something in how we attempt to initiate intimacy that is offensive to them? Is there something important to them we are failing to take into consideration? Is there some past hurt we have not done enough to heal? Talk with your spouse, find out what is going on in their head and heart as best you can to see where you need to improve.<br />
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Don't be surprised if their feelings about some things are very different from yours, and don't assume that since they don't feel the same as you that they are somehow wrong to feel that way. They have their reasons and you don't get to decide how somebody feels. You can try to come to understand why they feel that way if you keep talking, and you can share with them why you feel as you do. When there is better understanding, it is easier to know what changes should be made.<br />
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Not all changes are for the better however. A typical defensive reaction is having your spouse say that if you are willing to change, then change your desire for more sex and stop bothering them about this. Not only is this unfeasible on the biological level (at least, not without physical or chemical mutilation), it is also a request to accommodate something contrary to God's intentions for a married couple. <br />
<br />
The yardstick for sorting out a good change from a bad change is fairly straightforward. Any change that brings you and your spouse closer to each other and closer to God is good. Any change that seeks to accommodate separation or holding on to unChristlike characteristics rather than overcoming them is not a good change to make.<br />
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<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/09/facing-need-to-change.html" target="_blank"><b>Related Post:</b> Facing the need to change </a><br />
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<b>Message 6: There are beneficial changes they can make.</b></div>
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Pushback: You are never satisfied / it is too much, so why try?<br />
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Chances are you have some specific changes that you feel would greatly improve your marriage if your spouse would make them. Just as you may need your spouse to tell you where you can improve, you need to tell your spouse where you would like them to change.<br />
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Doing this in an accusatory or demanding way will be very counterproductive. You don't want to make this into a case of you verses your spouse. Rather than resort to blame and accusatory remarks, help your spouse see the situation through your eyes by using feel statements. Feel statement are not about your spouse, they are about you, how you react to certain things. For example:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>When I want to make love with you but you refuse me to watch TV instead it makes me feel very unloved because you put a TV show ahead of me.</li>
<li>If you would read this book I feel it would really help improve our relationship.</li>
<li>If we made love more often I feel we would both be a lot happier together.</li>
<li>When you won't come to counseling with me I feel like you don't care if our marriage survives or not.</li>
</ul>
In the course of doing this you might learn that they have motives you never considered, and that may change the direction of the conversation, but the important point here is that if you want something to change, you can't expect them to just read your mind and know how you are feeling about their actions.<br />
<br />
It is best to move forward a step at a time. If a spouse feels overwhelmed by you wanting a large number of changes, or a change that take them way outside their comfort zone, then it may seem futile for them to even try. Be sensitive to their needs, including their need to feel that you value what they already do, have faith in them, and love them for who they are now. <br />
<br />
<b>Related Posts:</b> Moving towards sexual fulfillment - <a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/07/moving-towards-sexual-fulfillment-part-1.html" target="_blank">Part 1</a> - <a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/07/moving-towards-sexual-fulfillment-part-2.html" target="_blank">Part 2</a><br />
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<b>Message 7: Better sexual satisfaction for us will improve our relationship</b><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
Pushback: We've been doing just fine. </div>
</div>
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A marriage takes two people, so the quality and strength of that relationship depends on the <u>combination</u> of how each of them feel. If one spouse is content with things as they are, and the other is not, there is a weakness in the relationship. If your spouse thinks things are just fine, but you are hurting, you need to help them understand that things are not as fine as they think.<br />
<br />
<br />
Sexual satisfaction is not the sole determining factor of a marriage's strength, but it is a major one, and <a href="https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/09/they-twain-shall-be-one-thoughts-on-intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng" target="_blank">as President Kimball said</a>, most divorces boil down to a couple not getting along sexually.<br />
<br />
When both spouses are happy with their sexual relationship there are far reaching positive effects in many other areas.. There will be less conflict, greater peace of mind, and a greater sense of closeness. Hurts become rarer and more easily healed. Each spouse will feel more of being loved, accepted and respected and less of being tolerated, judged or marginalized.<br />
<br />
Women tend to develop a greater ability to enjoy sex and reach orgasm, a stronger feeling of safety and security in the future of the relationship, a more active libido, and fewer body image worries.<br />
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Men tend to open up emotionally to their wife more easily, desire to spend more time together outside the bedroom, see their wife's beauty more clearly, go further out of their way to serve and please their partner, and help with housework more.<br />
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Both have a greater strength to resist sexual temptations (including pornography), more confidence, do better in their careers, endure trials with greater faith and patience, feel greater gratitude to God and each other, feel greater joy overall, are more likely to keep temple covenants, and truly want to be together for eternity. Children are more likely to have successful marriages of their own as adults.<br />
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'Fine' is a low standard compared to what a couple can enjoy together.<br />
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<br />
<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/08/magical-thinking.html" target="_blank"><b>Related Post:</b> Magical Thinking</a><br />
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<b>Message 8: Refusing to address this puts the marriage at risk.</b></div>
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Pushback: You are exaggerating.<br />
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Hopefully, you won't need to make this point, but if if you do, do not make it sound even remotely like some kind of threat to leave if they don't co-operate. You <u>must</u> come at this from the position of being concerned about the future of the marriage so you are seeking to work together with your spouse to make sure things never get that bad.<br />
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How bad can it get? Just imagine the opposite of the blessings listed above. A home filled with conflict, a lack of peace of mind, feeling disconnected emotionally from each other, hurts that just pile up, feeling your spouse only tolerates you, judges you harshly, and doesn't care about your feelings. Women tend to shut down sexually, fear divorce is coming, feel ugly and depressed. Men close up emotionally, avoid being around their wife and bury themselves in other pursuits. Both are more vulnerable to temptation, struggle more spiritually, and question if they actually want to be together forever.<br />
<br />
It is a dark, lonely, depressing, sad place for a marriage to be. If yours is already there it is not too late, but it will likely require some professional counseling to climb out of that hole.<br />
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If your marriage is not at that point, and your spouse is content with things as they are, they may need you to gently show them how the marriage looks through your eyes. Are some of those negative outcomes listed above already present, or do you feel some of them could come about in the short term? It might really shake them up to come to realize the situation, they might go into denial for a time, but always take the stance of trying to enlist their help rather than blame them. The sooner you change course the easier it will be, and the longer you'll have to enjoy the blessings. Don't make the mistake of thinking things will somehow change on their own. Fight for your marriage.<br />
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<br />
<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/06/is-sex-really-that-important.html" target="_blank"><b>Related Post</b>: Is sex really that important?</a><br />
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Now that you've prepared yourself, and know what message you need to send and what kind of pushback to expect, the last thing to cover is how best to send these messages to your spouse. We will cover that in the next post.<br />
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---</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2016/02/fight-for-your-marriage-part-4-delivery.html" target="_blank">Click here for Part 4 (the final part)</a></b></div>
<br />Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-81551377510097065202015-08-09T16:53:00.001-07:002016-02-20T19:59:56.229-08:00Fight For Your Marriage Part 2: Messages<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b><a href="http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02459/text-message_2459303b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02459/text-message_2459303b.jpg" height="199" width="320" /></a></b></div>
<b><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Read <a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2015/05/fight-for-your-marriage-part-1.html" target="_blank">Part 1</a> first if you haven't yet.</i></span></b><br />
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Once you have prepared yourself to fight for your marriage, you need to take action. In this case you need to deliver a number of messages to your spouse.<br />
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These message may be hard for them to wrap their head around. They may run contrary to how they have always thought and how they have been taught and raised. You will likely get some pushback on a number of them. If you do, you will need to stand your ground lovingly and without apology. Even if your spouse doesn't voice any objections, they may just be holding their tongue so you may want to address those points even if they are not raised.<br />
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The messages below are the ones that need to be delivered first and I've included the kind of pushback you are likely to get. You spouse may raise the same objections a number of time and when they do you will need to repeat your messages. Eventually, even if they don't agree they will reach a point where they see the difference between what they think you are saying and what you are really saying. You do not necessarily need to deliver these messages in the order presented here, but together they lay the foundation for the messages I'll cover in the next post. Pray for guidance in doing this and also listen for the messages your spouse is trying to send you.<br />
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<b>Message 1: I want a marriage that includes <u>mutual</u> sexual satisfaction.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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Pushback: You just want to satisfy yourself and don't care about my feelings.<br />
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This is where you try to get them to see your vision of what the marriage could be, and point out how it is different from what they may think your vision is. You need to convince your spouse that your motives are not selfish. If
they feel you are only seeking your own pleasure, you won't get very
far. They have to know that you want their happiness as well and you are willing to make changes too. Make sure you talk about 'we' and 'us' and 'our marriage', not about yourself.<br />
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<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/05/intimacy-lessons-from-jar-of-peanut.html" target="_blank"><b>Related post: </b>Intimacy lessons from a jar of peanut butter </a><br />
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<b>Message 2: It is a righteous desire.</b></div>
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Pushback: You are being carnal and lustful.<br />
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God married Adam and Eve before the Fall, before sin. He commanded them to cleave to each other and become one flesh, not push each other way and maintain barriers. Paul taught that "Marriage is <span class="highlight">honourable</span> in all, and the <span class="highlight">bed</span> undefiled" (<b><a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/heb/13.4?lang=eng#3" target="_blank">Heb 13:4</a></b>) and that a married couples should not defraud their spouse out of what marriage should include (<b><a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/1-cor/7.1-5?lang=eng#4" target="_blank">1Cor 7:1-5</a></b>). The Bible says "<span class="highlight">let her breasts</span> satisfy thee <u>at all times</u>; and be thou ravished <u>always</u> with her love." (<b><a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/ot/prov/5.19?lang=eng#18" target="_blank">Prov 5:19</a></b>) <b><a href="https://www.lds.org/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng" target="_blank">Many latter-day prophets and apostles</a></b> have made the point that the sexual desires man and woman feel toward each other are from God, to guide us into marriage and family and unite husband and wife. <br />
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Sometimes overzealous local church leaders, inhibited parents, or other factors can create in others a distorted view of human sexuality that says any sexual feelings should be repressed and any sexual expression should be minimized, even within marriage. This is wrong, we are told to bridle our passions. That means we harness them and put them to productive and appropriate use, just as a bridle enables man to harness the power of a horse. We don't let them run free, and we don't hunt them down and kill them.<br />
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It is not carnal or lustful to feel sexual desire. How somebody reacts to those feelings may be carnal or lustful though. If they put their own gratification ahead of keeping the commandments of God, that would be carnal and lustful, but feeling sexual desire or having sexual thoughts for your own spouse is not at odds with God's commands. The desire to unite with one's spouse is a desire to do something God wants married couples to do. Linda S. Reeves, Second Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency said in the <a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/protection-from-pornography-a-christ-focused-home?lang=eng" target="_blank">April 2014 General Conference:</a><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;"><b>The intimate marriage relationship between a man and a woman that brings
children into mortality is also meant to be a beautiful, loving
experience that binds together two devoted hearts, unites both spirit
and body, and brings a fullness of joy and happiness as we learn to put
each other first. </b></span></blockquote>
Satan seems to have two ways to use sex as a weapon. One tactic is to get people to be promiscuous and break the law of chastity. The other tactic is to turn what should be a source of joy in marriage into a source of heartbreak and conflict. The Lord's way is for a man and woman to save themselves for marriage, and then enjoy together the passion and pleasure and joy of a mutually fulfilling intimate relationship.<br />
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<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2014/09/spreadsheets-and-bedsheets.html" target="_blank"><b>Related Post: </b>Spreadsheets and Bedsheets</a><br />
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<b>Message 3: Our marriage needs it.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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Pushback: You can live just fine without it, it is only a want.<br />
<br />
We tend to think of needs in terms of what we need to remain alive, but survival is not the objective in marriage, oneness is. While it is true that people do not die from a lack of sex, it is also true that many marriages do. <a href="https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/09/they-twain-shall-be-one-thoughts-on-intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng" target="_blank">President Spencer W. Kimball said</a>:<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b><br /></b></span>
<br />
<blockquote>
<span style="color: blue;"><b>If you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years,
you will find there are one, two, three, four reasons. Generally sex is
the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in
court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the
reason.</b></span></blockquote>
If the intimate relationship in a marriage is not a happy one, then the longevity of the marriage is at risk. Even if divorce seems silly at the present, the accumulation of hurt and frustration can turn love cold and ferment into anger given enough time. A spouse who feel unwanted is more vulnerable to temptations. They can't shift the blame for any wrong they do onto their spouse, but what sense is there for somebody to make it harder for their spouse to do the right thing when they have the option to make it easier instead?<br />
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You can think of intimacy as being the food that sustains a marriage. A variety of well balanced meals served frequently is ideal. Throw in some snacks and deserts and special treats. Have feasts, celebrations, quick and simple meals to go when time is short. Now and then try a new dish. How much healthier is a marriage like that compared to one where a crust of bread periodically interrupts a famine? <br />
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<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2014/05/is-having-sex-need-or-want.html" target="_blank"><b>Related Post:</b> Is having sex a need or a want?</a><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Message 4: It is possible.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Pushback: I'm not not a sexual person. / I'm 'broken' that way.<br />
<br />
<br />
We like to think that making love comes naturally, but the truth is that for a couple to achieve mutual satisfaction they must both become students of their spouse's body and heart and mind and likewise become their spouse's teacher on the topic of their own body and heart and mind. If a spouse doesn't understand this and leaves their spouse ignorant of the best ways to please them (or teaches them wrongly by faking it) they can get to a point where they think there must be something fundamentally wrong with themselves sexually. They can come to see themselves as 'broken' or 'not one of the lucky ones' or 'being sexual just isn't who I am'.<br />
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If your spouse says things like that when discussing the messages above or at other times, you need to help them find the faith to try. Don't push them from behind, encourage them and lead them.<br />
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God wants all his children to be happy and He will be there to help. It may seem odd at first, but there is nothing wrong with praying to God to help your sexual relationship with your spouse. It also helps to de-personalize past problems. Nothing is inherently wrong with either of you, you both just didn't have all the right information and skills you needed and that can be changed if you work together.<br />
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It is not wrong to seek out information from trustworthy sources to help overcome obstacles. My wife and I were greatly blessed by <a href="http://www.amazon.com/They-Were-Not-Ashamed-Strengthening/dp/1587830345/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1443398188&sr=8-1&keywords=and+they+were+not+ashamed" target="_blank">Laura Brotherson's book 'And They Were Not Ashamed'</a>. Other good books on marriage exist as well, many of them focusing on some specific aspect. Don't be too embarrassed to buy and read such books (alone or as a couple), there is nothing wrong with learning how to be a better lover of your spouse, there is no shame in seeking professional counseling or medical help if that is needed to move forward. Whatever challenge a couple has, others have already had it and there are resources and information to help.<br />
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<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/08/fear-intimacy-killer.html" target="_blank"><b>Related Post:</b> Fear, the intimacy killer</a><br />
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When you are at the point where your spouse understands that your goal includes their happiness, and it is a good and important thing that you can achieve, then you are ready to move on to the next set of messages. After that I'll go over some strategies for how to deliver those messages.<br />
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<b><a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2016/01/fight-for-your-marriage-part-3-more.html" target="_blank">Click here for Part 3</a></b></div>
Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-2892599308452016892015-05-18T17:37:00.000-07:002016-02-20T19:58:18.065-08:00Fight For Your Marriage Part 1: Preparation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uDoU9PK4gi0/VVqFIJdMc6I/AAAAAAAAAEU/YY5UJKvTKFw/s1600/Image1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uDoU9PK4gi0/VVqFIJdMc6I/AAAAAAAAAEU/YY5UJKvTKFw/s320/Image1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
The comments on my previous post reminded me of the time I started seeking to improve my marriage. It also reminded me of conversations I've had with a friend in a similar situation years later, and many posts and comments I've seen in other marriage blogs and discussion boards.<br />
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In all these cases one spouse realized that their marriage needed to improve in the area of intimacy, and the other spouse was pushing back and opposed to the very idea. Either somebody had to fight for their marriage to make it better, or just give up and accept things as they were and hope the hurt and disappointment didn't turn to resentment and anger, or lead to worse consequences.<br />
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I believe that fighting for your marriage is the right thing to do, and this blog is mostly about doing just that. I've talked about individual pieces of what fighting for your marriage includes but now I feel it's time to pull it together. Although this is written from the perspective of resolving intimacy issues in the marriage, the same principles apply to other situations with a little adaption.<br />
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If you are in this situation and ready to fight for a better marriage than you have now, then you should first prepare yourself in these areas:<br />
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<b>Vision</b><br />
You need a vision of what your marriage could and should be. I don't mean a dramatic revelation from God, but you need a picture in your head of what it is you want to work towards. Chances are your spouse has a picture of that in their head too. They may be as unhappy about things as you, just for different reasons. The challenge will be to find a picture you agree on, then make it a reality as much as possible. For now you need to start off with clarifying a picture of your own.<br />
<br />
<b>Faith</b><br />
Joseph Smith said in Lectures on Faith that "it is
faith, and faith only, which is the moving cause of all action". Fighting for your marriage will not be easy. There will be emotional pain, tears, frustration. If you do not have faith that it will lead to something better you will not put in enough effort to accomplish what you want. You need faith that God will help you, and faith that there is a way to move towards your vision.<br />
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<b>Know who the enemy is... and is not</b><br />
It's sometimes easy to see your spouse as the cause of hurt and pain then cast them as the enemy. That isn't reality however, Satan is the enemy, and what better way can he destroy a marriage than to get spouses to see each other as the villain and forget about him? <br />
<br />
Your spouse is your team mate. They may not be as much of an asset to the team as they could be, but the same could probably be said for you as well. The point is you can't go into this with the idea of 'defeating' your spouse. You either win together or you lose together.<br />
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Part of your objective is to find a way to work together as a team. If you are attacking them, criticizing them, complaining, and rubbing their face in their perceived failures, whey would they want to be on the same team as you? <br />
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Joseph Smith wrote in a letter to the Church:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="">
<span style="color: red;"><b>No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;<span class="verse"> </span>By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile— (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/121.41?lang=eng#40" target="_blank">D&C 121:41-42</a>)</b></span></div>
</blockquote>
<div class="">
Note that he didn't just say it was a bad idea, he said that you <u>can not</u> maintain any kind of influence in somebody's life through authoritarian means. It is impossible in the long run. Seeing your spouse as your team mate rather than your enemy will help you treat them as those verses outline. Fight the real enemy instead.</div>
<div class="">
</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Related posts </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/05/intimacy-lessons-from-jar-of-peanut.html" target="_blank">Intimacy lessons from a jar of peanut butter </a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2014/01/blog-post.html" target="_blank">When you just don't feel like it </a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2015/02/how-to-grow-your-love-for-your-spouse.html" target="_blank">How to grow your love for your spouse </a></div>
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<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/09/let-us-oft-speak-kind-words.html" target="_blank">Let us oft speak kind words</a></div>
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<b>Live the gospel </b><br />
The best way to fight Satan is to live the gospel as best you can. That's right, go to church (and the temple), read the scriptures, pray and keep the commandments. Don't brush that off as trite or simplistic. A wise Bishop of mine once said that other than receiving ordinances
like the sacrament, the purpose of any church meeting is to receive
revelation, those quiet whispers of the Spirit reminding us of something
we should do. It can also happen while read the scriptures, but if our lives our out of harmony with the gospel we block God's inspiration.<br />
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You can not change somebody's heart, but God can. You need His help and His inspiration. Through faith and righteousness you can draw on the powers of heaven and gain access to the gifts of the Spirit. Living the gospel will also increase your faith and your capacity to love.<br />
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When you pray, don't pray like you are leaving a voice mail message for God. Talk with Him, tell him not just what you want but why you want it. Tell him what you plan to do, how you feel and what made you feel that way. Don't tell him what you think He wants you to say, say what you really mean, and even cry on His shoulder. Plead your case. He knows what you are feeling, He won't rob you of the growth you get from overcoming by giving you some instant fix, but He will help. <br />
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Un-Christlike behaviour and attitudes are at the root of all relationship issues. The more Christlike you can become, the better off your marriage is even if nothing else changes.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Related posts</b></div>
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<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/06/soul-mates-by-choice.html" target="_blank">Soul mates, by choice</a></div>
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<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2015/01/sexuality-and-spirituality.html" target="_blank">Sexuality and Spirituality </a></div>
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<b>Have righteous motives</b><br />
When your spouse pushes back, one thing they may do is call your motives into question. You need to make sure your motives are well thought out and in harmony with the gospel so you are ready to answer such accusations by clearly explaining why you are pursuing this.<br />
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Don't just focus on the external and immediate pain point. If you frame your objective as having sex more often with your spouse, you may want to re-think that. That only looks at what you want, with no consideration for your spouse's feelings or needs. Your spouse will sense you ulterior, selfish motive and refuse to co-operate, or pursue a selfish motive of their own to further limit intimacy with no regard for your feelings. Each one is as bad as the other.<br />
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In theory you could have sex more often by resorting to bullying and manipulation but would that get you the kind of marriage you want? No, and in the long run I expect you would find yourself alone if you did that. Having sex more often should not be the objective, the objective should be to have a <u>mutually</u> happy and fulfilling relationship. One where you each have leaned how to find real joy in meeting each others needs. An increase in sexual intimacy is only a side effect and the sexual relationship is only a portion of what makes a marriage happy and fulfilling for both spouses.<br />
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<b>Related posts</b> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/07/moving-towards-sexual-fulfillment-part-1.html" target="_blank">Moving towards sexual fulfillment - Part 1</a></div>
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<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/07/moving-towards-sexual-fulfillment-part-2.html" target="_blank">Moving towards sexual fulfillment - Part 2</a> </div>
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<b>Ground yourself in sound doctrine</b><br />
Another area where push back occurs is over basic ideas and beliefs about sexuality. You may have to push back against ideas like sex is a necessary evil, or intended only for reproduction, or that sexual desire for one's spouse is not in keeping with church standards, or having sex often is carnal, or that sexual desire is lust or that sex should not be that important.<br />
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It is important that you don't buy into such false ideas, or you will find yourself hard pressed to help your spouse overcome them. Get it firmly settled in your heart that sex is a wonderful and divine gift from God and he is fully approving of married couples being intimate and enjoying, often. There are many quotes from various General Authorities along those lines.<br />
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Some true teachings are misunderstood. Passions are to be bridled, but sometimes that message is taken as they are to be repressed. To bridal one's passions means they are harnessed so they can put to good use. Never buy into the idea that you are somehow in the wrong to feel a desire for intimacy with your spouse. Feeling sexual desire only becomes carnal or lustful if one puts their gratification above obedience to God. The desire a spouse feels for their partner is neither carnal or lustful since it is a desire to do something righteous. It is also an emotion God planted in the hearts of mankind to bring men and women together to be one flesh. God command Adam and Eve to cleave to each other, not push each other away. <br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Related posts</b> </div>
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<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/06/is-sex-really-that-important.html" target="_blank">Is sex really that important? </a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2014_05_01_archive.html" target="_blank">Is having sex a need or a want?</a></div>
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<b>Have realistic objectives </b><br />
Perfection is not going to happen in this world. Our spouse won't be perfect, we won't be perfect, and our circumstances won't be perfect either. Our objectives need to be realistic and this is an area where it is best to keep objectives vague and not attach an artificial deadline to them. Feeling pressured destroys intimacy and can backfire by creating resentment and frustration and a lack of co-operation. It is not a race, if things are moving in the right direction, be happy about it. If they are not moving in the right direction, don't make it worse by over reacting.<br />
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There are a number of circumstances that will slow progress. Negative emotions resulting from past sexual sins, growing up in a sex-negative home environment, and wrong teaching by well meaning local church leaders are things that can be dealt with but they can take some time. Mental illness, other medical conditions, past sexual abuse or other traumatic experiences can be much harder to overcome, and might never be fully overcome in mortality.<br />
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They may take your effort to change things as a way of you saying you don't love them as they are and need to be reassured that you are trying to change things because you love them, not because you need them to change for you to love them.<br />
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<b>Courage</b><br />
How many times have you heard that contention is of the devil? Probably a lot. Let's take a closer look at that scripture:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="color: red;"><a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="29"></a>For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the <u>spirit of contention</u> is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend <u>with anger</u>, one with another. (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/3-ne/11.29?lang=eng#28" target="_blank">3 Nephi 11:29</a>)</span></b></blockquote>
To me, a 'spirit of contention' is an attitude of looking for a fight, taking offense easily, and acting out in anger. It is not like what Jude said when he told the early Christians to 'earnestly <span class="highlight">contend for</span> the faith' (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/jude/1.3?lang=eng#2" target="_blank">Jude 1:3</a>).<br />
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You can not fight for your marriage without running into disagreements with your spouse, and having your spouse object and push back. There will be times where you need to push back against what they say and stand your ground with courage, but you need to be able to 'earnestly contend', not 'contend with anger'. No name calling, no lashing out. Even with your deepest disagreements you need to remember that 'A <span class="highlight">soft</span> <span class="highlight">answer</span> turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.' (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/ot/prov/15.1?lang=eng#primary" target="_blank">Prov 15:1</a>)<br />
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If you feel yourself getting angry, shelve the topic for another time. If you tend toward the other end of the scale and avoid conflict even when you should not, you need to steel yourself for those moments where you have to take a stand.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Related posts</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2014/07/how-to-fight-with-your-spouse-and-why.html" target="_blank">How to fight with your spouse (and why you should)</a></div>
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<b>Humility </b><br />
It is easy to see how our partner needs to change, and also easy to be blind to how we need to change. Are you being the best spouse you can be? Are you meeting your husband's or wife's relationship needs well? How do you know what their needs are? Just because you are doing things the way you would like them done for you doesn't mean you are doing them the way your spouse needs them done. <br />
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This isn't about 'fixing them' and if they feel it is that will lead them to push back. It has to be about improving the marriage. It is pretty rare for only one spouse to need to change to improve a marriage, so be prepared to listen and learn what you need to do for them. Set the example by not pushing back and resisting change, even if they do. Invite your spouse to help you become better and they won't feel like this is a one way street.<b> </b><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Related posts</b></div>
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<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/09/facing-need-to-change.html" target="_blank">Facing the need to change</a></div>
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<b>Persistence and patience </b><br />
Deeply engrained ideas can take time to change, especially when there are deep emotions that go with them. Don't expect one brilliantly worded speech to change much. You are going to have to repeat yourself several times, refute the same objections again and again before an old paradigm is replaced with a new one. Don't get frustrated, just calmly and peacefully address the concern again. Exercise faith that things will change and continue to pray for help and guidance. Remember the parable of the <a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/luke/18" target="_blank">unjust judge</a>.<br />
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<b>Charity and forgiveness</b><br />
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Last but not least, you must have charity towards your spouse. <a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/1-cor/13.4-7" target="_blank">1Cor 13:4-7</a> has a lot to say of charity. It suffereth long and is kind. It keeps one from 'acting unseemly' (lashing out, slamming doors, other immature and destructive behaviors). A charitable person does not selfishly seek for just their own satisfaction without regard for others, doesn't take offense easily, and don't assume the worst of others. In fact the key to being charitable is to assume the best, and not attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance or something else.</div>
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You also must not hold a grudge over any past offense. If you do that you will not be able to do the things above. Forgiving somebody doesn't mean you pretend it never happened, it doesn't mean you don't still hurt over it, it doesn't mean you must extend the same trust as before, but it does mean that you let go of any desire for payback, any hostility toward the other person. </div>
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To restore a relationship fully requires both forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is something an offended person can give no matter what the offender does or does not do, but for there to be reconciliation the offender needs to act to fix what they broke. That would include recognizing their error, feeling genuine regret for it that matches the seriousness of the offense, making a full confession, asking for forgiveness, making restitution and not doing it again. The same steps we take when we reconcile ourselves to God through repentance. </div>
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That a lot of preparation, but you must start with that. Next we'll discuss things you can do and how to do them.<br />
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<b><a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2015/08/fight-for-your-marriage-part-2-messages.html" target="_blank">Click here for Part 2</a></b></div>
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Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-13455266735302679672015-04-12T18:32:00.001-07:002015-04-12T18:32:19.892-07:00Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://stylesatlife.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/How-to-kiss.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://stylesatlife.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/How-to-kiss.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
I have to confess something. My wife is the only woman that I've kissed in romantic way.<br />
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I didn't plan it to be like that. I got my Patriarchal Blessing when I was 16 and it said that 'in time' I would meet a select daughter of God take her to the temple to be married. I lived in a small town with a small branch, no LDS girls my age within 50 miles and I was not interested in dating a non-LDS girl. The closest I got to having a girlfriend before then was the time I had a crush on a girl that couldn't stand me. It sounded to me like finding my future wife was way off in the distance. I figured I would serve a mission, come home and move to the city, and then go through a number of relationships, but thanks to some divine intervention I hit the jackpot about 10 months after that blessing.<br />
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Still, I did have to wait. She wasn't old enough to take on a double date when we met, and we took things slow. Partly out of heading the caution of our church leaders, partly because it was a long distance relationship. Her family moved evern further away the next year, then the year after that I left on a mission. It was about 4 and a half years after we met that we finally knelt at a temple alter. <br />
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We didn't rush into kissing, but we didn't wait until we were married either. A kiss can be so many things. It can be a quick, casual peck on the cheek, a formal greeting, platonic affection (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/acts/20.37?lang=eng#36" target="_blank">Acts 20:37</a>), gallantry, worshipful devotion (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/luke/7.38?lang=eng#37" target="_blank">Luke 7:38</a>) or a passionate event. It can also be an act of
betrayal as it was with Judas or with anybody who give their affections to another outside the of their current relationship. It can create arousal or revulsion, excitement or offense.<br />
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In a dating relationship, kissing is a serious thing. It is the most physically intimate act a dating couple can participate in without crossing the line and it indicates a level or commitment that elevates the relationship above others.<br />
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My wife and I did not let our kisses become passionate until after we were engaged, and even then we limited those kinds of kisses to the times when we were saying goodbye for the evening. There were times it took a lot of effort to pull myself away from her lips and perhaps that was unwise to risk that much temptation, but thankfully neither of us gave in and did something we shouldn't have.<br />
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My wife said many years later that she was glad we did that because it comforted her to know that she was able to have those kinds of feelings for the man she was about to marry. We both felt passion and desire, but we had it bridled. The wedding picture I love best is the one where her arms are around my neck, my hands on her waist holding her close. Her eyes are closed and her head tilted back, lips slightly parted, surrendering to the kiss we are just about to share. At the wedding reception we were both more than happy to osculate when the guests clinked the glasses. We may have clinked them ourselves once or twice to get them started.<br />
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A strange thing happened however shortly after our wedding. The kissing stopped. There were still the quick hello/goodbye kisses, but not he passionate kissing done just to enjoy the intimacy of kissing, not making out. Passionate kissing was the canary in the coal mine; it's ending signaled the onset of all the challenges in our intimate relationship that marked the early years of our marriage.<br />
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My wife knew that during the engagement, kissing would only be kissing, but now that we were married she expected kissing would be seen by me as foreplay. If she was not in the mood to have sex (and that was most of the time back then) then kissing was off the table too.<br />
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In the later years, when things in the bedroom were good but not great, kissing was still on the back burner. It wasn't until we set out to make our intimate life as wonderful as the rest of our marriage that we even really addressed it, and addressing it made a big difference.<br />
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I'm sure that James did not have kissing in mind when he said "the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!" (James 3:5) but there is still more than a little truth in taking it that way. I don't think it is possible to reach the same level of passion in a marriage without kissing, as you can with it.<br />
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Not all kissing has to be foreplay though. My wife and I always make a point sharing a meaningful kiss before we part or when we come back together. Even when it's just her heading off to Relief Society and me heading off to Priesthood. By meaningful I mean a tender and sweet kiss on the lips, done with deliberate affection. Sometimes when we reunite after work the kiss is a little longer, or supplemented with a kiss on the neck or behind the ear while holding each other close. If one of us feels like giving the other a kiss, we share a kiss. A small interruption to be reminded that you are loved is a nice thing.<br />
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How is the kissing going in your marriage? When was the last time you gave your spouse a kiss that wasn't done just out of habit? If you want to ramp things up, here are some ideas that might help:<br />
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<b>Learn how you spouse wants to be kissed. </b><br />
Do they hate big sloppy kisses or do they not care, or even like that? Does a kiss on the neck send shivers down their spine? Talk with your spouse, find out what kinds of kisses they like and don't like, where they liked to be kissed on their body and even what locations or settings they want or don't want to be kissed in. Something about being alone with my wife in an elevator makes me want to give her a nice long kiss. <br />
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<b>Develop good kissing skills</b><br />
It's kind of up to your spouse what makes a kiss good, but it doesn't hurt to look around for ways to become a better kisser. There are a number of places online that go over kissing techniques, I'm not going to point you to any one in particular but if you Google 'How to kiss' you'll find a few places that will go over it. <br />
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<b>Take your time</b><br />
Practice makes perfect. Setting aside time for kissing is a wonderful thing and it gives you both the chance to explore and communicate about what works and what doesn't. Take a drive some evening out to some private spot and make out like teenagers. Also take your time with the kiss itself, inside and outside the bedroom. Make each kiss an intentional intimacy. Now and then have a 15 second kiss when you both get home from work, or perhaps a 30 second kiss.<br />
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<b>Be ready</b><br />
The best thing to do is to brush your teeth regularly, and include brushing the surface of the tongue and roof of the mouth as well. Carry breath mints if you need to. Keeping the lips kiss ready is good too. I carry a ChapStick with me all the time and use it a fair bit. <br />
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<b>Don't attach strings to it</b><br />
I mentioned before how my wife used to avoid kissing when she wasn't in the mood for sex. She expected that one would have to include the other. It's OK however to have kissing without an obligation to have sex as well.<br />
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If you are going to do that, it must be mutually understood and agreed to at the start. If my wife indicates that sex is off the table but she is willing to engage in some kissing, we have a wonderful intimate time and I do not try and pressure her or seduce her into going further than she said she was willing to go. This has been a real blessing in our marriage at those times when her health has temporarily put limits on what she can do.<br />
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<b>Don't be ashamed of it</b><br />
Go ahead, kiss in public, kiss in front of the kids, show up at your spouse's workplace and give them a kiss there, kiss at church, kiss in the Celestial Room of the temple. Keep it appropriate for the setting, and be sensitive about any inhibitions you spouse may have not yet overcome, but never be afraid to express your love for each other with a loving kiss.<br />
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Kissing and kisses have been made the subject of many songs for a reason. Little girls dream of getting a true love's kiss before they have any concept of sexual love and one kiss can sear itself into a person's memory for life. It may seem like a small thing, but a renewal of kissing in your marriage could result in many other good things for the both of you.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-33501247596963166332015-02-15T20:15:00.000-08:002015-02-15T20:15:07.129-08:00How to grow your love for your spouse<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I love Valentine's Day. I know some people think it is a fake holiday invented by greeting card companies but I don't see it that way. It is a ritual, and rituals are reminders that focus our attention on something we otherwise could take for granted and even forget over time. I also see it as a challenge to step up my game and make sure my wife feels as deeply loved as possible.<br />
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I loved her the day we met and I loved her even more deeply the day we got married. I didn't think I could love anybody more than that, yet here I am over 25 years later, loving her more than ever before. That is the magic of love. Perhaps the explanation is that I've always loved her as much as I was able to love, and over time that capacity to love has increased allowing me to love her more.<br />
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I believe there are things we can do to increase our capacity to love our spouse (and others), and it doesn't matter if the relationship is already super or if there are some real challenges to work on. There is always room for growth and we should make an effort of some kind to perfect our love for our spouse. If we are not moving forward we are backsliding, so don't get too content.<br />
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But what do we do in order to love our spouse more? Here are some ideas.<br />
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<b>Love God more than you love your spouse.</b><br />
If you love God more than your spouse, you will love your spouse more than if you put your spouse at the top of the list. It sounds counter-intuitive but it is true. In<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/gal/5.22?lang=eng#21" target="_blank"> Gal 5:22</a> it says "the fruit of the <span class="highlight">Spirit</span> is <span class="highlight">love</span>" and from this we can know that love is a gift of the Spirit. Those who rebel against God are described as having hearts that are hard (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/pgp/moses/6.27?lang=eng#26" target="_blank">Moses 6:27</a>) and the Spirit of the Lord will withdraw from those who harden their hearts (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/hel/13.8?lang=eng#7" target="_blank">Hel 13:8</a>).<br />
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When the Spirit of the Lord withdraws, the gift of love goes with it. When we put God first and submit our heart to Him above all else we can be blessed with a greater measure of the Spirit of the Lord, and with that a greater capacity to love. Or, as John said:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: red;"><b>1John 5:1-2</b></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: red;"><b><span class="verse"></span>Whosoever
believeth that Jesus is the Christ is born of God: and every one that
loveth him that begat loveth him also that is begotten of him.</b></span> <br />
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<div class="highlight">
<span style="color: red;"><b><a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="2"></a><span class="verse"></span>By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments.</b></span></div>
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Increasing our love for God is the same as increasing out love for our spouse as well, so the suggestions below apply to both.<br />
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<b>Service</b><br />
You can not truly serve somebody from the heart without coming to feel greater love for them. Faithful Bishops, Presidents, missionaries, teachers and more testify on their release (if not sooner) of the love they have for those they have served. That love grew as a result of the service they gave. The same is true in a marriage. As you serve your spouse, your love for them will grow.<br />
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If you are not deliberately doing some kind of act of service for your spouse on a daily basis, start today. It doesn't have to be anything big or elaborate or prepared in advance, but it does need to be a genuine act of service done with a willing heart. If we do something grudgingly "it is counted unto him the same as if he had retained the gift" (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/moro/7.8" target="_blank">Moroni 7:8</a>). If you are already serving them daily, can you do better? Are you actively on the lookout for an opportunity to do something to make your spouse's life happier, more comfortable, more joyful?<br />
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<b>Gratitude </b><br />
Nobody wants to be taken for granted by their spouse, but it can be so easy to do just that. If we are not attentive with a grateful heart we can overlook the little acts of service our spouse does for us, or come to just expect them as something they are supposed to do anyway.<br />
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No spouse is perfect, so if we go looking for what it is that our spouse is failing in, we will find something. Chances are they are aware they could do better at that too, but if they are not recognized for what they are doing right, why bother working harder to do more things right?<br />
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Turn that habit around, notice the things your spouse is doing well and praise them for it. If it is something you have come to expect from them realize there are spouses out there who do not do that. Make a point of giving praise and gratitude both in private and in front of others when appropriate. Perhaps use social media to express your thankfulness as well. And always be as specific as possible when expressing gratitude or giving praise. Pretend you are trying to convince your spouse, because some spouses need to be convinced<br />
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If a couple makes a point of doing those things, I'm confident that their love for each other will grow and flourish. Even if there are troubles, having the Spirit of the Lord is present with service and gratitude creates an environment where healing and progress can happen. Rather than go 'back to normal' now that Valentine's Day is over, start laying the foundation for a Valentine's Day next year where you can honestly say you are more in love with your spouse than ever before.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-9133139548811765682015-01-28T20:56:00.004-08:002015-01-28T20:56:44.659-08:00How to refuse having sex with your spouse<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Nobody gets through life without experiencing the pain of rejection. You may have been turned down by the school you wanted to attend, you may not have won the job or promotion you sought after, your ideas may be ridiculed and dismissed, or perhaps nobody will publish that great novel you wrote.<br />
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The most painful rejections however happen in the realm of human relationships. A guy who has asked a girl for a dance only to have her scoff at his request can remember the painful sting of it long afterwards. Likewise a girl who hopes for romantic attention from some boy, only to see him fall in love with somebody else can experience a deep heartache that crushes the joy out of life for a time.<br />
<br />
Over time we tend to build up what I call 'The Wall'. An emotional buffer zone or barrier we put between ourselves and others so they can't hurt our feelings as easily. Some are lucky to have The Wall in place early in life, others don't experience a number of wounds first.<br />
<br />
Emotional intimacy in marriage requires that we let our spouse in past The Wall but doing this leaves us vulnerable. We are giving our spouse power to inflict the deepest of hurts when we let them in like that. We may trust that they will be careful, but sooner or later they will do something we find hurtful. Usually sooner. Nobody can read the mind of their spouse and know where all the sore spots are. Sometimes we find them the hard way and cause unintentional pain in the ones we love. This has a lot to do with why some people resist emotional intimacy. They don't want to be vulnerable, they don't want the lack of control that comes with giving another person so much power over their inner life so they keep them outside The Wall as much as they can. <br />
<br />
For many (and not just men) being refused sexual intimacy by their spouse can be the most painful rejection of all. A marriage where that pain is frequently felt is at risk. Over time that pain can turn to resentment and anger, or lead a person to resort to destructive coping strategies that eventually breakup of the marriage, or transform it into sexless sham of matrimony. Even if everything outside the bedroom is perfect and both spouses feel genuine love for each other, it will be hard for them to sustain it in an environment where they frequently feel rejected.<br />
<br />
Does that mean that somebody should always accept an invitation to be intimate with their spouse, no matter what? Of course not. While I feel that a married couple should make every reasonable effort to make love as frequently as either spouse desires, the reality is that there are times when that is not possible, or when doing so would be harmful to a relationship rather than helpful.<br />
<br />
If somebody is ill or exhausted or otherwise unavailable it is not rejection, it is bad timing and poor circumstances. If the trust and respect that should exist between a couple has been harmed, or there are serious unresolved conflicts, those should be addressed first so that neither spouse comes away from having sex feeling coerced, used, or dominated rather than loved and cherished. The objective of every intimate encounter should be <u>mutual</u> happiness.<br />
<br />
There is a world of difference between<i> can't </i>be intimate and <i>won't </i>be intimate. A spouse feels rejected when they feel that their partner is either expressing a dislike for them, uncaring of their needs and feelings, ranking them as less important compared to other things in their life, or just plain old being selfish. It doesn't matter if that is or isn't accurate, if they think that is why they were turned down, they will feel the intense pain of rejection. So here are some ways you can avoid causing hurt feelings at those times when you need to turn down being intimate with your spouse.<br />
<br />
<b>Explain why you can't.</b><br />
Don't assume they know how you are feeling. Don't think that subtle hints get through. Clearly inform them of what it is that leads you to turn them down. If you don't, they will try and figure it out themselves and likely get it wrong.<br />
<br />
<b>Show them you are making a point of removing the obstacle</b><br />
If you are just too tired, don't stay up late watching TV, get some sleep so you won't be too tired tomorrow as well. If
you are sick, focus on what you need to do to get better. If there is
tension and distrust in the relationship, take action to find healing.
Make sure your spouse knows you are doing something to get past the
obstacles and that you are serious about changing things for the better. Ask them to help with that if they can. <br />
<br />
<b>Make sure they know you wish things were different too.</b><br />
Even if they don't feel rejected, they can still feel disappointed or even frustrated when things don't turn out the way they wished. Those feelings are a reflection of their love for you and should be taken as a compliment. But don't leave them feeling like they are the only one feeling a touch of heartache. A little sympathy and empathy can go a long way, so tell them you are not thrilled about it either. It softens the blow and affirms the relationship.<br />
<br />
<b>Promise to make it worth the wait</b><br />
Sacrifice is sometimes defined as giving up something good in the present in order to gain something better in the future. If you are going to ask them to sacrifice their desires for your benefit, let them know how it will lead to them gaining something better in the future. You can make a vague promise that you will make waiting worth it, but it will be more powerful if you promise some specific intimate treat. It could be something you wear for them, a special date, a certain position or intimate act or anything else above and beyond the usual. If you do this be sure to keep that promise without delay so they don't feel they were toyed with.<br />
<br />
<b>Give what you can.</b><br />
Physical intimacy isn't limited to just having sex. If you can still give them a passionate kiss, a long embrace, a sexual touch, a cuddle, or fall asleep in each others arms, the contact and closeness will leave them feeling loved and accepted in spite of not being able to make love. A little loving is better than nothing, but you do need to make it clear at the start where the limits are of what you are able to give, and you need to know that your spouse will respect those limits. If you don't do that you could wind up doing more harm than good.<br />
<br />
If being refused is not a common event, it will be hard for a spouse to take being turned down as a personal rejection if even just one of those suggestions are put into practice. If several are used together it becomes even harder.<br />
<br />
If a spouse has frequently felt rejected there can be emotional scars to deal with. They might emotionally withdraw, putting their spouse back outside The Wall to protect themselves. In that case the most important of those suggestions is showing their spouse that they are working on changing what they need to change and that they are committed to removing as much rejection from their relationship as possible. Without that, the other suggestions will likely be seen as insincere and manipulative.<br />
<br />
Things will never be perfect in mortality. Your spouse will still cause the occasional unintended hurt and so will you, but when there is a sincere effort to avoid doing that, and a heartfelt effort to heal any hurts, those events will become vehicles to a deeper understanding and connection with our eternal companions and the closer a couple can get to a rejection-free marriage, the stronger their emotional bond can become.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-31708817268938529922015-01-11T20:00:00.000-08:002017-10-24T18:23:38.931-07:00Sexuality and Spirituality<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4Y7pe8qWPxg/We_ndgBt1kI/AAAAAAAAAN0/Vh2Zh5MGKlU6ix4delJ2UWlkqq9v3uWiwCLcBGAs/s1600/Bible%2Bin%2Bbed.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="353" data-original-width="404" height="279" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4Y7pe8qWPxg/We_ndgBt1kI/AAAAAAAAAN0/Vh2Zh5MGKlU6ix4delJ2UWlkqq9v3uWiwCLcBGAs/s320/Bible%2Bin%2Bbed.JPG" width="320" /></a>Something that is commonly said by marriage bloggers, counselors, and those who write books on marriage and sexuality for Christian audiences is that sex is a <a href="http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex-and-intimacy/understanding-your-husbands-sexual-needs/sex-is-a-physical-need" target="_blank">physical</a>, <a href="http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex-and-intimacy/understanding-your-husbands-sexual-needs/sex-is-an-emotional-need" target="_blank">emotional</a> and <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CCgQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.focusonthefamily.com%2Fmarriage%2Fsex-and-intimacy%2Funderstanding-your-husbands-sexual-needs%2Fsex-is-a-spiritual-need&ei=N_OyVNn9B4qsyQSE74DwAw&usg=AFQjCNHcHC7f1ttW3CvKRJtmq8FR1b6Aeg&sig2=y3X9vKPW-Y-AenrPQ1mtJA&bvm=bv.83339334,d.aWw" target="_blank">spiritual</a> need for men. I have no problem seeing the truth of the first two, but it has always been hard for me to see sex as a spiritual <u>need</u>.<br />
<br />
For the first 22 years of my life I didn't have any kind of sexual relationship with anybody, and it had no impact as far as I could tell on my testimony or my relationship with God or any aspect of my spirituality. Also, after getting married our sexual relationship was not so good in the early years and is better than ever right now. The ups and downs of my love life however do not seem linked the state of my spiritual life.<br />
<br />
Sure, when things are good there is that much more to be grateful for, and being sexually satisfied within one's marriage can lessen the temptation to commit sexual sins and increases one's desire to qualify for the Celestial Kingdom where the relationship can continue for eternity. But I see our relationship with God as being defined by our own individual behaviour.<br />
<br />
An intimate relationship that is not mutually fulfilling may or may not be caused by something that also hampers that person's spirituality, and having a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship doesn't indicate anything about somebody's spirituality. Certainly it is beneficial to have that part of a marriage going well, but it is not a requirement for being in tune with the Spirit.<br />
<br />
What I have come to understand is that more than sex <u><i>being</i></u> a spiritual need, sex <u><i>has</i></u> a spiritual need. In other words, both the husband and the wife need to have a deep commitment to keeping their passions, appetites and desires inside the boundaries set by the Lord so they can maintain a satisfying intimate life now and forever. A loving Heavenly Father has given us standards and commandments to allow us the joy of sexual fulfillment safely.<br />
<br />
Without a resolve to live by the standards of the gospel, the ecstasy of sexual pleasure can wear away at those boundaries over time. A person or couple can begin to stray further and further out of the light seeking more and more forbidden fruit or exotic thrills. Over time righteous sexuality can morph into rebellious hedonism. <br />
<br />
Sexual pleasure is a powerful force for good in a marriage, but it can also turn destructive if handled carelessly, and nobody is immune from the danger. The Lord warned it can start small and end up with large consequences:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="color: red;">Doctrine and Covenants 42:23<br />And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit... </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: red;"><br />Doctrine and Covenants 63:16<br />And verily I say unto you, as I have said before, he that looketh on a woman to lust after her, or if any shall commit adultery in their hearts, they shall not have the Spirit, but shall deny the faith and shall fear.</span></b></blockquote>
<b>A Case Study</b><br />
<br />
This was all brought into focus for me though my participation in a sex and marriage online forum, and I think the story is instructive. This forum is specifically for Mormon couples to talk with each other in seeking answers and sharing advice in the hope of achieving a mutually fulfilling sex life. I joined it and began posting there seeing an obvious connection between their objectives and my own with this blog.<br />
<br />
The big difference however is that the forum allows posters to promote, encourage, glorify and advocate for things that are contrary to the standards of the gospel. You don't have to look hard to see posts and threads that promote masturbation for example. Look some more and you'll find the same for removing temple garments so that immodest clothing can be worn on date night or for the thrill of sleeping nude together. There is also tolerance for posters blaming the church or church leaders for failing to take care of things that in reality they are not responsible for, anti-Mormon accusation against Joseph Smith or the church over polygamy, watching porn as a couple to 'help' a marriage, and even promoting the swinging lifestyle and the adultery that goes along with it. For that reason I'm not going to promote, link to, or even name the forum.<br />
<br />
To be fair, there was a lot of good discussion as well, and the good far outweighed the bad with the possible exception of all the discussion on <a href="http://blog.fairmormon.org/2015/01/08/riseup-podcast-whats-wrong-masturbation/" target="_blank">masturbation</a>, but something very interesting happened when I began to point out the church's position on these things. I was met with anger, LOTS of anger. Did I insult people? No. Was I trolling for flames? No. I simply expressed clearly that the Church's position was that masturbation was wrong. I supported it citing numerous official publications from the church including where President Spencer W. Kimball spoke on behalf of the Lord saying He did not approve of it in the <a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1980/10/president-kimball-speaks-out-on-morality" target="_blank">October 1980 General Conference Report</a>, and even referring to the fact that Handbook 1 (section 6.7.1) refers to it as something contrary to the standards of the Church alongside violating the Word of Wisdom and using porn.<br />
<br />
In trying to justify their anger they complained about my being repetitious, yet I was only replying to the claims they had repeated over and over. They also took offense that I would not take the clear direction of prophets, apostles and the church and downgrade it into a personal opinion of my own for their personal comfort. Nephi said '<span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10045"></span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10046">the </span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10047">guilty</span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10048"> taketh </span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10049">the </span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10050">truth</span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10051"> to </span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10052">be </span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10053">hard, </span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10054">for </span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10055">it </span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10056">cutteth</span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10057"> them </span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10058">to </span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10059">the </span><span class="chunk" id="chunk10060">very </span><span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061">center' (1Nep 16:2) and I think this was a classic example of that in some cases. Some posters even decided or threatened to leave the board.</span><br />
<span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061"><br /></span>
<span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061">Those who were angry complained to the moderators who then gave me a warning in a private message sent near the start of December. It said it was a 'final warning' and any further complaints would result in my being banned. I do not recall receiving a previous warning like that from them but I'm not able to check that any longer. I politely responded to them saying why I felt the accusations made were not warranted and giving examples to back up what I said. Being open to correction however, I asked them to show me the post(s) that justified the warning to help me understand. I received no reply at all.</span><br />
<span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061"><br /></span>
<span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061">A week ago the lead moderator bowed to the pressure put on him and banned me. They announced it to the forum in a public area and said I was not banned for my views but for driving people away. I believe in their hearts they really think that, but I would say the truth of the matter is that anybody who expresses the same views as I did will be met with the same reaction no matter how they word it. The guilty would again take offense and rise up demanding their removal unless they be quiet or censored.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061">They also said I caused 'serious harm' to another poster. Hard to picture how that could happen. </span><span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061"><span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061">And if that really is so, why can't they point out to me where it happened? </span>I was polite and factual (as I am here), even when others were rude and insulting. It feels to me like my crime was being steadfast in upholding what the church said and unwilling to validate actions contrary to the teachings of the church. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061">I emailed the moderators after being banned, speaking to their concerns and I asked them again to show me what post(s) of mine justified their action. Again I got no answer from them. I believe they are not able to find a post of mine that meets the standard for banning. I think all they have are invalid complaints from people who wanted me silenced. They are free to reply to my email to them anytime if they actually do have something more substantial than that.</span><br />
<span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061"><br /></span>
<span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061">Ironically, my banning is causing other posters to consider leaving the forum as well. As one of them said, it is no longer an LDS forum. I took this past week to ponder the whole thing rather than make some knee jerk reaction, and that is where it crystallized in my mind more than ever before that sex needs spirituality, not the other way around. That forum has not committed itself to upholding the standards of the church, and so it has backslid into a place where people who have gone outside the boundaries set by the Lord will try to influence others to do things that are contrary to the gospel, and react with anger and hostility to anything or anyone that brings those boundaries into focus and show they really are the Lord's boundaries.<br /> </span><span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061"> </span><br />
<span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061">I'm sad things turned out this way. There are very few resources out there for Mormons who want an LDS specific approach to sex and marriage that fully conforms to the standards of the church. That forum has the potential to become one. If the moderators required that posts not conflict with the standards and commandments of the church, or attacked the church and it's leaders, and enforced that, they would lose some posters right away but they would make it a place where 10,000 times as many Mormons would feel comfortable.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061">I'm grateful for the posters who objected to my banning, especially those who did not agree with me but recognized it was the wrong approach. If my account was unbanned and the forum became a place that upheld the standards of the church I would be happy to return, but I don't expect that will happen. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="chunk hl-id-45644021" id="chunk10061">If any of you from that forum see this and want to say anything to me about what happened over there or ask a question about it, please do so by email (scroll to the bottom to see the address). </span>Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-69507977818651921912014-09-06T15:11:00.001-07:002017-11-05T19:23:04.994-08:00Spreadsheets and Bedsheets<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e16Lxmj3Z60/Wf_VZd0fLII/AAAAAAAAAOY/v5oY9_6zu5oWqHl9NezHlrpT-TaEtQVeACLcBGAs/s1600/unnamed6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="427" data-original-width="640" height="213" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e16Lxmj3Z60/Wf_VZd0fLII/AAAAAAAAAOY/v5oY9_6zu5oWqHl9NezHlrpT-TaEtQVeACLcBGAs/s320/unnamed6.jpg" width="320" /></a>Not long ago, the Internet was abuzz with t<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/21/man-wife-spreadsheet-sex_n_5605670.html" target="_blank">he story of a man who kept track for a month </a>of all the times he attempted to initiate sex with his wife and what the results were. He recorded if he they had sex and what his wife's response was if they didn't. Out of 27 attempts they had sex 3 times. He sent the spreadsheet to her to make a point about his dissatisfaction with their sexual relationship. His wife took offense over this and posted the spreadsheet online expecting a wave <br />
of sympathy for having to put up with a husband who would do such a thing.<br />
<br />
Comments from the Internet were all over the place. Some posters taking the view that if she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to and he just has to deal with it. Others saying that she obligated herself towards him by choosing to marry him and it was wrong of her to not follow through. Some denouncing what the husband did as immature, others the wife for being frigid. In general it appeared to me that people were more sympathetic towards the husband (although not always approving of his tactics) which makes sense as<a href="http://answers.webmd.com/answers/1180061/how-often-do-married-people-have" target="_blank"> most couples do have sex more than 3 times a month</a>.<br />
<br />
Obviously we do not know the full story of this couple but it raises some worthwhile questions. Is there an obligation for a spouse to be intimate with their partner, and if so, how often? Is it wrong for a spouse to express dissatisfaction with how frequently they are intimate? How do you resolve situations of this nature?<br />
<br />
This is related to the question: '<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2014/05/is-having-sex-need-or-want.html" target="_blank">Is having sex a a need or a want'</a>, and like most questions that come up about sexual relationships, this is not a simple yes or no question. If we look at Paul's counsel in <b><a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/1-cor/7.2-5" target="_blank">1 Cor 7:2-5</a></b>, he refers to rejecting intimacy with one's spouse as defrauding them.<br />
<br />
We can also look at <a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/04/the-sanctity-of-womanhood" target="_blank">what Elder Richard G. Scott said </a>in the Priesthood session of the April 2000 General Conference:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;"><b>When we were created, Father in Heaven put in our body the capacity to
stir powerful emotions. Within the covenant of marriage, when properly
used in ways acceptable to both and to the Lord, those emotions open the
doors for children to come to earth. Such sacred expressions of love are an <u>essential part</u> of the covenant of marriage.</b></span></blockquote>
However it would be wrong to take that as meaning that every single time one spouse desires sexual intimacy that the other is obligated to comply no matter what. Elder Scott went on to say:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;"><b>There are
times, brethren, when you need to restrain those feelings. There are
times when you need to allow their full expression. Let the Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your marriage. </b></span></blockquote>
And likewise Paul's counsel included that couples could refrain for a short time by mutual consent for righteous purposes.<br />
<br />
The difference between defrauding one's spouse of intimacy and righteous restraint lies in the reason. Are we obligated to be kind, charitable, considerate of our spouse's feelings and needs, and willing to serve our spouse in love to the best of our ability? As people who have covenanted to follow Christ we are, so we can't then justify rejecting a spouse if that rejection is based on selfishly putting our own desires above the stewardship we have towards our spouse. If however something like illness, exhaustion, other obligations that leave no time for sex, or serious unresolved relationship problems are what is preventing us from going ahead with it then restraint is appropriate.<br />
<br />
While one couple
may have sex every day, or nearly every day, and another couple may rarely
have sex, as long as both spouses are happy and feel their needs are at least adequately met there is no problem. It is rare for both spouses to need the same frequency of sexual
intimacy their partner does to feel sexually fulfilled so finding a point where both are happy and fulfilled can take some effort. <br />
<br />
The tricky thing is that neither spouse should feel pressured to perform sexually or pressured to repress their desires either. Those desires are from God as Elder Scott (and others) have indicated. While they do need to be temporarily restrained sometimes and controlled, they should not be repressed and eliminated.<br />
<br />
If a spouse feels pressured to be intimate, some introspection is called for. Pressure requires resistance, so if one feels pressured, where is the resistance coming from? What perceived consequence is being avoided? Is the resistance the result of some idea about sex or marriage that is incorrect, or some selfish impulse, or is it a situation like the ones mentioned above where restraint is the right choice? If you know where the resistance is coming from, you can know if you should drop that resistance or not.<br />
<br />
Communication is an important tool to prevent misunderstanding and hurt feelings. Responding to a spouse with a flat 'No' when they try to initiate intimacy is far more likely to wound than a gentle explanation of what obstacles stand in the way of saying 'Yes'. Even if those obstacles are not things that can be resolved that day it helps to prevent feelings of personal rejection.<br />
<br />
If the frequency of sexual encounters is not meeting the needs of one spouse (as in the case of 'Spreadsheet Guy', they need to communicate that without making anybody feel accused or attacked. It is often true that a spouse who refuses intimacy frequently also overestimates how often they have sex, so sometimes some factual historical data is useful, but in this case it was presented vindictively. Even when presented in kind way, there is always a chance that a conversation of this nature could become very tense, and if so it would be good to follow the advice in <a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2014/07/how-to-fight-with-your-spouse-and-why.html" target="_blank">How to Fight with your spouse (and why you should).</a><br />
<br />
In a nutshell, the obligation is not really to have sex, or to meet some target for how often sexual intimacy takes place. The obligation we have as people trying to be Christ-like is to be loving, generous and kind towards our spouse. If the situation is such that one spouse desires intimacy but it would be a negative experience for the other spouse, that kindness is manifested by that spouse exercising temporary restraint on their desires and both working to overcome the obstacles quickly. If there are no such obstacles, then kindness is shown by the other spouse willingly and happily doing what they can to meet their spouse's needs.<br />
<br />
I feel safe saying that the spreadsheet couple were not acting in that way. Hopefully they have both taken a closer look at what each of them is doing and made some positive changes. Ask yourself however what your spouse's spreadsheet would look like if they kept track the same way, and what could you do to make it a record to be proud of.<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2014/01/blog-post.html" target="_blank"></a>
<a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2014/01/blog-post.html" target="_blank"><br /></a>
Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143045057609697631.post-52615478461531340212014-07-19T19:22:00.003-07:002014-07-19T19:25:20.839-07:00How to fight with your spouse (and why you should)<a href="http://www.resolvingconflictsnow.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/iStock_000022945836XSmallGrossman-Couple.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.resolvingconflictsnow.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/iStock_000022945836XSmallGrossman-Couple.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a>One of the mistakes I made early on in my marriage was that I didn't fight enough with my wife. By fight I do not mean raised voices and cruel things being said in anger. Believe it or not we have never, ever had that kind of fight. And I'm not talking about disagreements like where a picture should be hung or what color to paint a room. I'm talking about those emotionally charged moments that start with one of you angering or hurting the feelings of the other. <br />
<br />
I would bottle those feelings up to avoid a potential fight. I didn't trust myself to keep it from turning contentious, and as we know, <a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/3-ne/11.29" target="_blank">contention is of the devil</a>. I saw those kind of fights as a sign of a bad relationship and I though I was doing our marriage a favor by avoiding conflict. I told myself that she didn't mean it, so just ignore it and don't turn it into something that could potentially escalate to the point where we say things we would regret later.<br />
<br />
Contention and fighting in anger is not a good thing, but at the same time a conflict avoided is a conflict unresolved. Most of the time my wife upset me without ever realizing that she did it. I denied her the chance to learn where my sore spots were, what was going on in my head. I never gave her a chance to correct any misunderstanding I had about her motives or to adjust my expectations to something more realistic. The times that I did talk about it, it was long after the fact and while I may have said how it made me feel, she still never saw the evidence that it did bother me that much so the words didn't sink in much.<br />
<br />
Things just got bottled up and festered slowly until it got to a point where adding up all these offenses left me unsure if my wife really loved me. At some point point avoiding conflict became motivated by the fear that if push came to shove, I might find out she really did mean to hurt me, or just didn't care. <br />
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Conflicts will come up in any marriage, but they must be addressed, not avoided. While it's true they can be addressed in very unhealthy and unproductive ways (even destructive ways) they can also be addressed in ways that strengthen a relationship and create greater intimacy.<br />
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It was a bit scary when I decided I wasn't going to avoid potential conflicts any longer. It was a leap of faith to trust myself enough to express strong negative emotions without losing control, but I did it well enough. Since then we have had several tense discussions charged with emotion but thankfully we both were able to stay civil. Those discussions have been huge steps forward in our relationship and we both know each other now better than we ever did. It seemed I also had some things to learn about how to not hurt or offend her as well. Imagine that!<br />
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While initially this change lead to a several conflicts at first, the frequency of those conflicts rapidly dropped off as we came to know each other better. The same mistakes were not being made over and over again, or at least not as often. We found a different kind of intimacy where you had to strip your soul naked and admit to your insecurities, jealousies, fears, and point out the past wounds that are not fully healed and need to be left alone or treated with love. <br />
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I'm glad it never devolved into an unhealthy conflict and I think we managed to do that by sticking as best we could to some basic rules:<br />
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<b>1. Stay on topic.</b><br />
<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/121.43" target="_blank">D&C 121:43</a> says to reprove with sharpness, that doesn't mean with cutting remarks, it means with clarity and focus. Don't muddy the waters by dragging in other issues, stay focused on the one problem at hand.<br />
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<b>2. Don't delay the discussion any more than you have to.</b><br />
Generally these conflicts are best had <a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/42.88" target="_blank">in private</a>, not in public and certainly not in front of the kids. Often that means there will need to be a delay between the event and the discussion about it, but that delay should not be longer than it has to be.<br />
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The more time passes, the less serious the complaint will be taken and the less impact it will have on future behavior. Sometimes that little delay is not a bad thing, giving you a chance to gather you thoughts and evaluate how best to state your case.<br />
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<b>3. Don't accuse, use feel statements instead. </b><br />
Joseph Smith said: <b>"</b>If you do not accuse each other, God will not accuse you <i>(History of the Church</i>, 4:445)" Accusations are by nature adversarial and prompt people to become defensive, dig in and resist change by justifying themselves. Accusations put you and your spouse on opposite sides where one has the
win and the other has to lose. When that happens, the marriage loses either
way.<br />
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It is more effective to use a feel statement instead. A feel statement is a statement of cause and effect. Their behavior is the cause, your emotions are the effect. 'When you do this, I feel that' goes over much better than 'You are so...' It allows you to communicate the same information, but without putting your spouse on the defensive, in fact you open the door for them to explain their own motives and thoughts, or to modify their behavior without feeling coerced. It also keeps you both on the same team, working toward mutual understanding and reconciliation together. <br />
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<b>4. Don't justify or blame shift</b><br />
Offering an apology or making a change when it is called for can be a hard thing. Sometimes we try to avoid doing that by seeking to justify our actions. It's the same as telling somebody that they are wrong to feel what they feel, but you don't get to decide how somebody else does or should feel about something. Sometimes know we were wrong but we want to explain why we thought we were doing the right thing, but that is an explanation that should wait until after the apology has been made so it is not mistake for an attempt to avoid an apology.<br />
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Blame shifting is another tactic designed to avoid apologizing and changing. With blame shifting the offender casts their offending actions as being the fault of the person they should be apologizing to, or they cast their actions as virtuous and claim their spouse only sees them as wrong because of some flaw in them. An example of this would be the spouse who is bothered at how often their efforts to be intimate are met with rejection and winds up having the blame shifted onto them by being called carnal and sex-obsessed.<br />
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<b>5. No name calling, threats or insults</b><br />
If you can't express love for your spouse in the middle of a conflict, you are doing it wrong. If you do include expressions of your love for you spouse in your conflict, the fight will not scar your relationship.<br />
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No matter how much you think it is justified, no matter how much you want to lash back, don't ever insult your spouse, call them unkind names, or make threats, especially threats about divorcing or cheating on them. Words cut deeper than any blade, you can't unsay them, and no matter how much you apologize for it after, the fact remains that those words came into your head and came out your mouth and that can plant a very bad kind of seed in your spouses mind. Don't say anything you don't want them to really take to heart and believe. (See also: <a href="http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/09/let-us-oft-speak-kind-words.html" target="_blank">Let us oft speak kind words...</a>)<br />
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<b>6. Don't attribute motives, listen to your spouse.</b><br />
Like <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Habits-Highly-Effective-People/dp/406204983X/ref=la_B000AQ2VAQ_1_22?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1405821950&sr=1-22" target="_blank">Steven R Covey</a> said, seek to understand before you seek to be understood. Sometimes we assume we know why somebody did something. Sometimes the entire conflict hinges on that assumption, and often that assumption is either wrong or incomplete. Feel statements are way to draw out from our spouse what their motives and thinking were but you have to listen, you have to give them a fair chance to explain themselves, not just rant at them and storm off.<br />
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Give your spouse the benefit of a doubt, listen to their side and try to see their perspective, not just try and force them to see things your way. Somewhere along the way one or both of you will learn something about each other that will help avoid similar conflicts in the future.<br />
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<b>7. Apologize sincerely</b><br />
Don't apologize insincerely, but do apologize. Even when you think what you did was perfectly right and justified there are likely still things you can apologize for. If you actions had unintended outcomes you regret (like offending your spouse), apologize for those. If the conflict could have been avoided by communicating better earlier on, you can apologize for that. <br />
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Reconciliation is the same thing as repentance. It is about repairing a relationship harmed by wrongdoing. Make sure you are both clear on what it was that should be apologized for, why it was wrong, and how it can be avoided in the future. Make sure they know you do regret it, ask their forgiveness, make it up to them as best you can, and commit to not making that mistake again. (See also: <a href="http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/" target="_blank">A better way to say sorry</a>)<br />
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<b>8. Show your love for each other and don't dredge it up again.</b><br />
<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/121.43" target="_blank">D&C 121:43</a> also says to show an increase of love after a conflict 'lest he esteem thee to be his enemy'. When the storm is over, reaffirm your love for each other to clear the air. Make up sex is the absolute best way to sooth over both bruised hearts. Apology and forgiveness create deep emotional intimacy, and increased emotional intimacy easily translates into increased passion. After that, don't dredge it up again. <a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/58.42" target="_blank"> God doesn't do that with us</a>, we should follow His example.<br />
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I wish I could say that my wife and I have been perfect at following all those rules but of course we haven't been. But we've followed them well enough to know their value and to know that avoiding conflicts rather than resolving them results in avoiding truly becoming one with each other and with God.Latter-Day Marriagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03474737772878508155noreply@blogger.com0