Healing the Wounds Part 4 - Restituion and Resolve

[Part 1]  [Part 2] [Part 3]

Making a full confession and asking for forgiveness is a vital part of healing a wound, but by themselves they are just words.  Those words need to be followed up with action to be taken seriously.

Restitution
Making restitution is a vital part of the healing process.  True regret comes with a desire to make up for the wrongs done.  Simply stopping the hurtful behaviour is not enough by itself.  Consider the case of a bank robber who expresses deep regret and sorrow over what they did, promises they won't do it again, but keeps the money and hides from the law.  It calls their words into question if they are unwilling to pay back or make up for what they did.

Sometimes however a direct form of restitution like that is not possible.  That doesn't mean you have a excuse to skip this step.  What you should do instead is to make restitution by making up for what you did.  Swing the pendulum to the other side and counteract a misdeed with it's opposite.

A spouse who had a habit of speaking harshly to their companion can't undo the fact that they said what they said, but the can make restitution by making a habit of giving their partner genuine praise instead.  A spouse who has been inconsiderate of their partner's sexual needs can't go back in time and change years of selfish refusal, but they can makes restitution by doing all they can to make the future one that includes a high level of sexual fulfillment for their spouse.

Restitution like this is not something you do for a week or a month then drop, it is a lifelong change.  It shows your spouse you have had a true change of heart rather than just a change of mind.  It proves to them that you are no longer the kind of person who would do such a thing.  It wins back their trust and confidence in your feelings for them.

Resolve to never do it again
True regret is a painful thing, and it should be painful enough that it drives you to do all the steps after it.  It should also be painful enough to leave you resolved to never do such a thing again.  Your resolve reform yourself needs to be expressed to your spouse in words, and demonstrated in deed for the rest of your life.  As I mentioned before, the Lord said:

By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them. (D&C 58:43)

If a spouse makes their confession, asks forgiveness and makes restitution for what they did, then goes on to do it again (even if many years later) it re-opens the original wound.  After that, confessions will be harder to take as sincere and a greater restitution will be required.

In Luke 7:37-50 a woman known to be a sinner washes the feet of the Savior with her tears and anoints his feet with expensive ointment.  Simon the Pharisee thought that if Christ were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman this was and not let her do this.  Christ, sensing his thoughts taught:

Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little. (Luke 7:47)

Likewise, to whom much is forgiven, the same loveth greatly as this woman showed.  These steps allow a couple to tap into the power of the atonement which can heal the wounds and restore peace and love to a marriage.  When there is both forgiveness and all the elements of reconciliation present, a marriage can come out of adversity stronger than it was before the trial began, with deeper love between the spouses.  Even a case of adultery can end with hearts healed and a marriage strengthened if both do their part.   Even if a spouse is unwilling or slow to forgive, this process will be a blessing to those who follow it. 

Sex and Exaltation

We Latter-Day Saints have a unique perspective on marriage.  That in turn gives us a perspective on marital intimacy that is also unique, but I think in many cases we do not fully appreciate the importance sex when it comes to our own exaltation in the kingdom of God.

Now I can tell from the stats for this blog that there are more than a few visitors that come here from Christian marriage websites that are not LDS, and that is great.  I hope you feel welcome here.  Most of the things I've posted have been principles that are pretty universally accepted across all Christian faiths, even if I do quote from sources that a non-Mormon would not consider authoritative.

This post will be different.  I'm going to delve into some doctrines unique to Mormonism and how they relate to the intimate side of marriage.  Those of you who are not Mormons are welcome to read on, and I'll try and make it understandable for you as I can by explaining and linking to sites that will explain concepts you may not be familiar with.  There are some things however that you may find hard to accept or even offensive.  I hope you will use this as an opportunity to understand Mormons better.  If you have questions you can post them as comments and I'll be happy to address them, but disrespect, hostility, trolling etc. will not be tolerated.

Right From The Start
We believe that before mortal life our spirits lived with God, and he created the earth for us to have a place to obtain a physical body (among other reasons).  We do not know much about our premortal life, but one thing we do know is that even as premortal spirits we had a gender.  The Proclamation on the Family states:  "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."

Consider the implications of that.  Your gender is not solely a physical characteristic, your spirit itself is male or female, matching the gender of the body (barring genetic abnormalities), and it was like that even before your birth.  The Brother of Jared saw the premortal Christ and thought he was seeing a man of flesh and blood, yet Christ told him that the body of his spirit was as his physical body would appear after his birth (Ether 3:8-16)

In Paradise And Mortality
In the creation God made Adam and Eve, who were male and female beings.  He made them husband and wife to each other.  They were sexual beings, married and able to lawfully enjoy sexual intimacy when the earth was still a paradise untouched by sin.  In fact they were commanded other to have children, become one flesh and to cleave to each other. (Gen 2:24-25)  This again underscores the eternal nature of our sexuality, and also indicates that the ideal eternal state desired by God is for a man and a woman to be together as husband and wife in a marriage that includes sexual intimacy.

From all this we can see that our sexual nature doesn't end with the death of the body, it is an eternal characteristic of who we are.

Salvation, Exaltation and Sexual Intimacy
Thanks to Christ`s atonement, at some point after death comes the Resurrection. Every person who has ever lived will be resurrected and have a perfected and immortal version of their physical body having the same gender they were born with. (Alma 11:44).

Right after the Resurrection comes the Final Judgement.  While Christ`s atonement saves all mankind from death unconditionally, salvation from sin comes on condition of repentance (Luke 13:3).  Those who have been washed clean in the blood of the lamb are judged and will be assigned to one of the Three Degrees of Glory (or Three Kingdoms of Glory) according to their works (Rev 20:12).  Anybody who makes it to any of those kingdoms is saved from sin and death, but only those who make it to the highest glory are exalted.

One thing that really sets Mormonism apart from other Christian faith is our belief that because of the atonement we have the potential to become like God.  This was actually something that several early Christian fathers like Irenaeus, Clement of Alexandria, Origen and others taught in the early days of the church.  Only those who make it to the Celestial Kingdom will be able to obtain exaltation but they also need to be in an eternal marriage (D&C 131:1-2).  Often we think of that only in terms of having the temple ceremony done to seal a marriage for time and all eternity, but really there are 3 components that are needed for a marriage to be eternal.

1) The willingness of both the husband and the wife
2) The sealing ordinance performed by Priesthood authority
3) The sealing of the covenant by the Holy Spirit of promise

It is only after the Holy Spirit of promise seals the marriage that it truly is eternal, and that doesn't happen until the Final Judgement.  Being married in the temple by itself doesn't mean anything if spouses do not keep their covenants, or if their life together is so unpleasant that they no long wish to be together forever.  If either spouse is no longer willing on judgment day, the Holy Spirit of promise will not seal it and the marriage will come to an end there (D&C 132:18).

Couples who do qualify for the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom receive the greatest blessings possible:

Doctrine & Covenants 132:19-20
19 And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection;... and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fullness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever.

 20 Then shall they be gods, because they have no end;... (D&C 132:19-20)

God's law is that sexual relationships must only take place between a husband and wife, and because of that sex has been called the defining characteristic of marriage.  From the above however we can see that in the eternities sexual intimacy is also a defining characteristic of godhood itself.  Only those who are exalted to that level will have a spouse, and through that intimacy they will have 'continuation of seeds forever and ever' and 'have no end'.  This point was also touched on recently by Sister Nelson speaking at a recent YSA Worldwide Fireside where she said "God-ordained marital intimacy is glorious and will continue eternally for covenant-keeping husbands and wives."

Putting Sexual Intimacy Into An Eternal Perspective
This is why sexual intimacy is such a sacred thing.  It is why abuses like homosexuality or fornication or adultery are serious moral wrongs, because they desecrate something sacred and godly. It is also why it is important for spouses to work out how to have a mutually satisfying intimate relationship with each other. 

It is so much more than finding a way to live together happily in mortality.  It is a stewardship we will have to account for, and like in the parable of the talents, a spouse is expected to put their God given sexuality to good use, not bury it like the unprofitable servant.  The bottom line is that when spouses work to improve the intimate side of their marriage they are working towards their exaltation and preparing for eternity.  Perfection will not be achieved in this world in this or any other area, but working to improve in this area is something we should take as serious as working to improve our faith and obedience to God.

Fight For Your Marriage Part 2: Messages

Read Part 1 first if you haven't yet.

Once you have prepared yourself to fight for your marriage, you need to take action.  In this case you need to deliver a number of messages to your spouse.

These message may be hard for them to wrap their head around.  They may run contrary to how they have always thought and how they have been taught and raised.  You will likely get some pushback on a number of them.  If you do, you will need to stand your ground lovingly and without apology.  Even if your spouse doesn't voice any objections, they may just be holding their tongue so you may want to address those points even if they are not raised.

The messages below are the ones that need to be delivered first and I've included the kind of pushback you are likely to get. You spouse may raise the same objections a number of time and when they do you will need to repeat your messages.  Eventually, even if they don't agree they will reach a point where they see the difference between what they think you are saying and what you are really saying. You do not necessarily need to deliver these messages in the order presented here, but together they lay the foundation for the messages I'll cover in the next post.  Pray for guidance in doing this and also listen for the messages your spouse is trying to send you.

Message 1:  I want a marriage that includes mutual sexual satisfaction.

Pushback:   You just want to satisfy yourself and don't care about my feelings.

This is where you try to get them to see your vision of what the marriage could be, and point out how it is different from what they may think your vision is.  You need to convince your spouse that your motives are not selfish.  If they feel you are only seeking your own pleasure, you won't get very far.  They have to know that you want their happiness as well and you are willing to make changes too.   Make sure you talk about 'we' and 'us' and 'our marriage', not about yourself.

Related post: Intimacy lessons from a jar of peanut butter 

Message 2:  It is a righteous desire.

Pushback:   You are being carnal and lustful.


God married Adam and Eve before the Fall, before sin.  He commanded them to cleave to each other and become one flesh, not push each other way and maintain barriers.  Paul taught that "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled" (Heb 13:4) and that a married couples should not defraud their spouse out of what marriage should include (1Cor 7:1-5).  The Bible says "let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love." (Prov 5:19)  Many latter-day prophets and apostles have made the point that the sexual desires man and woman feel toward each other are from God, to guide us into marriage and family and unite husband and wife.

Sometimes overzealous local church leaders, inhibited parents, or other factors can create in others  a distorted view of human sexuality that says any sexual feelings should be repressed and any sexual expression should be minimized, even within marriage.  This is wrong, we are told to bridle our passions.  That means we harness them and put them to productive and appropriate use, just as a bridle enables man to harness the power of a horse.  We don't let them run free, and we don't hunt them down and kill them.

It is not carnal or lustful to feel sexual desire.  How somebody reacts to those feelings may be carnal or lustful though.  If they put their own gratification ahead of keeping the commandments of God, that would be carnal and lustful, but feeling sexual desire or having sexual thoughts for your own spouse is not at odds with God's commands.  The desire to unite with one's spouse is a desire to do something God wants married couples to do.  Linda S. Reeves, Second Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency said in the April 2014 General Conference:

 The intimate marriage relationship between a man and a woman that brings children into mortality is also meant to be a beautiful, loving experience that binds together two devoted hearts, unites both spirit and body, and brings a fullness of joy and happiness as we learn to put each other first.

Satan seems to have two ways to use sex as a weapon.  One tactic is to get people to be promiscuous and break the law of chastity.  The other tactic is to turn what should be a source of joy in marriage into a source of heartbreak and conflict.  The Lord's way is for a man and woman to save themselves for marriage, and then enjoy together the passion and pleasure and joy of a mutually fulfilling intimate relationship.

Related Post: Spreadsheets and Bedsheets

Message 3:  Our marriage needs it.

Pushback:   You can live just fine without it, it is only a want.

We tend to think of needs in terms of what we need to remain alive, but survival is not the objective in marriage, oneness is.  While it is true that people do not die from a lack of sex, it is also true that many marriages do.  President Spencer W. Kimball said:

If you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are one, two, three, four reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason.

If the intimate relationship in a marriage is not a happy one, then the longevity of the marriage is at risk.  Even if divorce seems silly at the present, the accumulation of hurt and frustration can turn love cold and ferment into anger given enough time.  A spouse who feel unwanted is more vulnerable to temptations.  They can't shift the blame for any wrong they do onto their spouse, but what sense is there for somebody to make it harder for their spouse to do the right thing when they have the option to make it easier instead?

You can think of intimacy as being the food that sustains a marriage.  A variety of well balanced meals served frequently is ideal.  Throw in some snacks and deserts and special treats.  Have feasts, celebrations, quick and simple meals to go when time is short.  Now and then try a new dish. How much healthier is a marriage like that compared to one where a crust of bread periodically interrupts  a famine?

Related Post: Is having sex a need or a want?

Message 4:  It is possible.

Pushback:   I'm not not a sexual person. /  I'm 'broken' that way.


We like to think that making love comes naturally, but the truth is that for a couple to achieve mutual satisfaction they must both become students of their spouse's body and heart and mind and likewise become their spouse's teacher on the topic of their own body and heart and mind.  If a spouse doesn't understand this and leaves their spouse ignorant of the best ways to please them (or teaches them wrongly by faking it) they can get to a point where they think there must be something fundamentally wrong with themselves sexually.  They can come to see themselves as 'broken' or 'not one of the lucky ones' or 'being sexual just isn't who I am'.

If your spouse says things like that when discussing the messages above or at other times, you need to help them find the faith to try.  Don't push them from behind, encourage them and lead them.

God wants all his children to be happy and He will be there to help.  It may seem odd at first, but there is nothing wrong with praying to God to help your sexual relationship with your spouse.  It also helps to de-personalize past problems.  Nothing is inherently wrong with either of you, you both just didn't have all the right information and skills you needed and that can be changed if you work together.

It is not wrong to seek out information from trustworthy sources to help overcome obstacles.  My wife and I were greatly blessed by Laura Brotherson's book 'And They Were Not Ashamed'.  Other good books on marriage exist as well, many of them focusing on some specific aspect.  Don't be too embarrassed to buy and read such books (alone or as a couple), there is nothing wrong with learning how to be a better lover of your spouse, there is no shame in seeking professional counseling or medical help if that is needed to move forward.  Whatever challenge a couple has, others have already had it and there are resources and information to help.

Related Post: Fear, the intimacy killer


When you are at the point where your spouse understands that your goal includes their happiness, and it is a good and important thing that you can achieve, then you are ready to move on to the next set of messages.  After that I'll go over some strategies for how to deliver those messages.

---

Click here for Part 3

Two things women need to know about foreplay.

Women are usually considered the experts on foreplay, and seeing as each woman is in a position to  know her body better than anyone else, we men should look to our wives to be our guides and teachers in this area.  All the same, there are some things a woman may need to be told herself. 

It's for more than just getting aroused.
There is a mistaken idea that foreplay is just a warm up for intercourse, and intercourse is where the real pleasure (and orgasms) are found.  Hollywood movies promote this myth nearly every chance they get.  In many cases a woman's sexual pleasure comes more from foreplay than from intercourse and it is estimated that 70% of women can't achieve orgasm from intercourse alone yet nearly all can from sufficient foreplay.  The primary source of female pleasure comes from clitoral stimulation, and most of the time intercourse does little to provide enough action there to bring a woman to climax.

If a woman feels shame over her sexuality, has a case of the 'good girl syndrome', or finds sex unpleasant or painful in some other way, she may move the love making from foreplay to intercourse as soon as she is aroused to speed things up, making it much less likely that she will have an orgasm.  After a while her frustration may lead her to be critical of her spouse, or conclude that there is something 'broken' about her sexual response, when the truth is she is working against herself.  Trying to get it over quickly doesn't 'get it over'.  Likewise if the husband sees her arousal as the only objective of foreplay he may unintentionally deprive her of the pleasure she should receive from him.

Instead, prolong foreplay past the point of arousal.  The wife should give the husband the direction and feedback he needs to make it effective, and encourage him to keep providing the stimulation she enjoys until she is as fully satisfied as possible.  Find what new levels of pleasure can be reached through foreplay and count it as a great success if she climaxes before intercourse takes place.  In some cases an orgasm during foreplay opens the possibility of an orgasm during intercourse as well, or at least a greater level of pleasure.

Men need foreplay too.
It's common to assume that men do not require any foreplay.  They are ready to go at a moment's notice and don't want anything to delay getting to 'the good stuff'. 

Not all men fit that stereotype, especially once they hit middle age.  Once past 40 testosterone levels usually start to fall and it is not uncommon for them to start needing their wife to participate in foreplay for the sake of his arousal rather than only recieveing his attention.

Men need foreplay even when that is not the case though.  While they may not need any foreplay at all to get fully aroused, they do need it to feel wanted, desired, appreciated and loved by their spouse.  They want affirmation that their wife has sexual feeling for him, that she enjoys making love with him, and that she is giving herself to him with enthusiasm. 

A wife will have to learn about her husbands foreplay  needs the same as he needs to learn hers.  There must be open communication and even experimentation.  It may be seeing his wife in lingerie, hearing her express her intimate thoughts to him, kissing, touching, dancing for him or other things.  Investing the time and effort in making sure that foreplay meets both her needs for physical stimulation and his needs for emotional stimulation will have a huge return in terms of your bond with each other.

Is sex really that important?

Obviously, a blog about marriage is going to wind up talking about the sexual dimension of marriage.  Some people might have a hard time with that.  While we proclaim marriage to be a divine and eternal institution, all too often we feel fear, embarrassment or guilt discussing sexual intimacy, even with our own spouse.  I'm sure some people will find this blog and pass by never to return again as soon as the encounter a sexual topic.  If you are tempted to do that now, please stay a bit and let me plead my case to you.

The sexual dimension of marriage is what sets marriage apart from all other relationships.  Every other aspect of a marriage is something you can have in a relationship with a friend, or sibling, or parent.  Sex then is the defining characteristic of marriage.  When God married Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, the fall had not yet taken.  They were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, to become 'one flesh', to cleave unto each other, all before sin entered the world.  The idea of sex being some 'dirty necessity' because of the fall is false.  Married sex was part and parcel of Paradise as God intended it.

Furthermore, The Proclamation on the Family states "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."  We were male and female in the beginning, and will remain so in the resurection as well.  Those who are faithful will have the opportunity to continue their marriage in the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom.  With sex the defining characteristic of marriage, and gender part of our eternal identity and purpose, the reasonable conclusion is that the sexual relationship between a husband and wife will also continue in the Celestial Kingdom for those couples in the highest degree.

Our mortal life is a probationary period, and everything we have in mortality is a stewardship.  For example, parents have a stewardship over their children, not ownership.  We have a stewardship over our time, talents, our body, our life, and our possessions.  If we are good stewards, then the parable of the talents works in our favor.  Having been faithful with few things, we are given much.

The sexual relationship of a marriage is also a stewardship, and the parable of the talents applies to this area of your life.  Those who abuse their sexuality, either by engaging in sexual relations outside of marriage, or by neglecting and starving the sexual relationship they should have with their spouse, will have taken from them even that which they have, and find themselves consigned to state of eternal celibacy if they do not repent.  Those who make better choices shall have eternal lives, and continue to expand their family for all eternity together with their spouse.

There is a cost in mortality to neglecting this stewardship.  A marriage that lacks mutual sexual fulfillment, or any progress towards it, is a source of emotional pain and distress for at least one spouse.  Rather than enjoying the strength and peace that comes from mutual sexual fulfillment in a marriage, they often find themselves in a state that leaves them vulnerable to temptation, depression, anger.  Rather than feeling the closeness of being 'one flesh' there is a gulf of rejection between them.  Left unaddressed, resentments can build up, turn into hostility, rebellion or coldness, and poison even the best relationship to death. 

It's important to note in the parable that not everybody starts off with the same stewardship, and so it is with our sexual stewardship.  Some couples may find their way to mutual sexual fulfillment with relative speed and ease, while another may go through many painful years, even decades, to learn and change so they can get to that same place.  In the end what is important is the direction of the relationship.

So yes, sexual intimacy is important.  Both for the happiness of both spouses during life, and for determining their place in the eternities.  Seeking to get to the point of mutual sexual fulfillment is not just a righteous goal, it is part of your eternal progression.