Healing the Wounds Part 4 - Restituion and Resolve

[Part 1]  [Part 2] [Part 3]

Making a full confession and asking for forgiveness is a vital part of healing a wound, but by themselves they are just words.  Those words need to be followed up with action to be taken seriously.

Restitution
Making restitution is a vital part of the healing process.  True regret comes with a desire to make up for the wrongs done.  Simply stopping the hurtful behaviour is not enough by itself.  Consider the case of a bank robber who expresses deep regret and sorrow over what they did, promises they won't do it again, but keeps the money and hides from the law.  It calls their words into question if they are unwilling to pay back or make up for what they did.

Sometimes however a direct form of restitution like that is not possible.  That doesn't mean you have a excuse to skip this step.  What you should do instead is to make restitution by making up for what you did.  Swing the pendulum to the other side and counteract a misdeed with it's opposite.

A spouse who had a habit of speaking harshly to their companion can't undo the fact that they said what they said, but the can make restitution by making a habit of giving their partner genuine praise instead.  A spouse who has been inconsiderate of their partner's sexual needs can't go back in time and change years of selfish refusal, but they can makes restitution by doing all they can to make the future one that includes a high level of sexual fulfillment for their spouse.

Restitution like this is not something you do for a week or a month then drop, it is a lifelong change.  It shows your spouse you have had a true change of heart rather than just a change of mind.  It proves to them that you are no longer the kind of person who would do such a thing.  It wins back their trust and confidence in your feelings for them.

Resolve to never do it again
True regret is a painful thing, and it should be painful enough that it drives you to do all the steps after it.  It should also be painful enough to leave you resolved to never do such a thing again.  Your resolve reform yourself needs to be expressed to your spouse in words, and demonstrated in deed for the rest of your life.  As I mentioned before, the Lord said:

By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them. (D&C 58:43)

If a spouse makes their confession, asks forgiveness and makes restitution for what they did, then goes on to do it again (even if many years later) it re-opens the original wound.  After that, confessions will be harder to take as sincere and a greater restitution will be required.

In Luke 7:37-50 a woman known to be a sinner washes the feet of the Savior with her tears and anoints his feet with expensive ointment.  Simon the Pharisee thought that if Christ were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman this was and not let her do this.  Christ, sensing his thoughts taught:

Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little. (Luke 7:47)

Likewise, to whom much is forgiven, the same loveth greatly as this woman showed.  These steps allow a couple to tap into the power of the atonement which can heal the wounds and restore peace and love to a marriage.  When there is both forgiveness and all the elements of reconciliation present, a marriage can come out of adversity stronger than it was before the trial began, with deeper love between the spouses.  Even a case of adultery can end with hearts healed and a marriage strengthened if both do their part.   Even if a spouse is unwilling or slow to forgive, this process will be a blessing to those who follow it. 

Healing the Wounds Part 3 - Reveal and Request

[Click here for Part 1]  [Click here for Part 2]

So far we've talked about things that need to happen inside the head and heart of the spouse that caused the hurt, but to actually heal the relationship requires taking action.  They need to fix what they broke as best they can.  It is not an easy process and the reality is that things may need to get worse before they get better.  That is why the first two steps are so important.  It is unlikely that somebody will take the painful actions needed to heal the relationship unless driven by a pain of regret that is greater.

Reveal Everything
The first action is to fully confess your wrongs.  Not just the parts your spouse already knows about, but the things they don't know as well.  Come clean, put it all out there.  It is not enough to just stop doing wrong. The Lord said:

By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them. (D&C 58:43)

It is best to do this without having to be compelled to by circumstances.  A person who is caught red handed and only admits to the things that have already been uncovered will seem like they are only sorry they were caught,  even if there really is nothing more to confess, and they genuinely regret their actions.

Apologize and lay out what you did, how often, for how long, why (not as an excuse).  Also share your journey of coming to realize and regret your actions and the pain you feel as a result. 

It will be tempting to say to yourself  'There is no need to confess that part, they don't know, I won't do it again, so why put them through the pain of revealing it?'  It would be a mistake to act in that way however.

Keeping a secret like that is harmful to yourself and to your marriage.  You will not be able to free yourself of the pain of regret and personal shame of what you have done.  Instead you will carry that burden and it will eat at you and undermine your happiness.  It will leave you aware of your unworthiness which is something Satan can use against you when he tries to tempt you again, and he will try.  You won't be able to feel fully loved and accepted by your spouse either.  When your spouse says they love you, you will wonder if they would have said that if they knew the whole story.

Even if your spouse doesn't know, they will likely sense that you have not been fully open with them or carry nagging doubts that weaken the marriage and create insecurity.  They also can not forgive you for something they do not know you did.  Some day they will know exactly what happened.  Either at the judgement bar or sooner they will know it, and also know that you hid it from them and lied to them that there was nothing more to confess. Your reconciliation will then be undone and the relationship will be worse off than before.

In contrast, a full, unforced confession may cause a lot of pain in the short term, but it also helps to rebuild trust and give hope that things can be made better.  It makes it easier for your spouse to forgive when your actions demonstrate true repentance by coming clean voluntarily.  Confession is good for the soul no matter what the reaction is.  The burden of hiding and lying will be gone and the process of healing will have started.  Even if the revelation leads to the break up of the marriage, it enables you both to heal and move forward.  A marriage held together by lies and secrets is not going to become an eternal marriage.

Revealing everything may be a process rather than an event.  Usually when a spouse is blindsided by something big they will not absorb it all at once.  They will come back with questions, request clarification, and need to go over something a few more times before they can wrap their head around it.  Answer every question and request completely until they are fully satisfied that they know the situation.  Don't hide, justify, downplay or brush off anything.  Give them the security of knowing there will be no nasty surprises down the road.

Request Forgiveness
Confessing your wrongs implies a request for forgiveness, but it should still be stated outright that you are sorry for what you did, and you wish to obtain forgiveness from them and from God.  The apology is your admission that you are in the wrong.  It also acknowledges your spouse's pain and validates it.  It brings them into the process, laying out what their part is and calling on them to start the work of forgiving.

While it is true that we have an obligation to forgive others (D&C 64:9-10), do not ask for forgiveness as if it is owed to you or that you deserve it because of your wonderful confession and painful regret.   You are asking your spouse to give you something you do not deserve.  They may owe it to God to forgive, but they do not owe it to you, even if you have forgiven them of something worse, even if you already have God`s forgiveness for what you did.  Their forgiveness is a gift and it should be humbly asked for and graciously received when offered.

It may take a spouse some time before they are ready to offer that gift.  Give them that time.  You do not get to decide how they should feel or how soon their heart should be ready to forgive.

Sometimes it is necessary to apologize more than once, especially if the offense is particularly hurtful. I have learned over the years that it sometimes takes several apologies before the sincerity of the apology is able to penetrate the wounded heart of an offended spouse. (Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage, Ensign, September 2011)

When there is a strong bond of love between a couple, then there is a desire to forgive and return to the joy that was shared before the offense took place.  That reconciliation has to be earned however, otherwise the forgiving spouse is just allowing themselves to be walked all over and abused.

Confessing and asking for forgiveness is not the limit of what must be done to heal the wounds and restore the same level of love and trust that existed before.  In Part 4 we'll go over the last two things that must be done.

Healing the Wounds Part 2 - Recognition and Regret

[Click here for Part 1]
Imagine you are watching a typical date movie.  Boy meets girl, they fall in love, he does something that hurts or offends her, and now she is at the airport ready to board a plane to Europe and leave her heartbreak behind forever.  He rushes to the airport and catches up to her at the last possible moment and looking deep into her eyes he says "It was only one time, it wasn't my fault, you're making a big deal out of nothing and you just need to get over it."

I don't think she would be very unlikely to change her plans based on what he said.

As I mentioned in Part 1, the path to healing a relationship with a spouse (or anyone else) is the same process as healing our relationship with God when we sin, so I'll be taking quotes from scripture and church leaders about the process of repentance and applying them here to the process of reconciliation.

Recognition
The first step in healing the wounds is to recognize that you caused a wound.  If you didn't mean to wound you spouse it doesn't mean there is no wound, and if you can't recognize your wrongdoing you won't be able to reconcile over it.

Recognition is something that happens in the mind.  You realize on an intellectual level that your actions or words were not what they should have been.  This may be because you can see the hurt or anger you caused, or because you are aware of how your actions violate expectations and reasonable treatment of other people.

The enemy of recognition is defensiveness and justification.  If you push back against the idea that you are in the wrong and try to rationalize it, then you are not going to be able to make things better.  It doesn't matter what wrongs your spouse has done, or what other circumstances exist, you have to accept responsibility for your actions and embrace the fact that it was the wrong thing to do.  You don't get to decide how somebody else should feel about something.  We all want to be the hero of our own story, but there are times we need face up to the fact that we have become the villain in another person's story and will stay that way until we change it into a story of our redemption.

Regret
Regret is probably the most important, as well as the hardest step to take.  We live in an age where anything that produces guilt is labeled as judgmental and intolerant, but that ideology creates a barrier to reconciliation and repentance.  A 'safe space' will not save your relationship, it will allow wounds to fester until the relationship is too infected to survive.

The Apostle Paul praised 'godly sorrow' as something the leads to repentance and salvation (2Cor 7:10).  It is your regret that will provide the emotional fuel to do what you need to do to achieve a reconciliation.  Without an appropriate level of regret you might go through the motions of each step, but they will be hollow and meaningless actions that won't produce lasting results.

While recognition happens in the mind, regret happens in the heart.  It takes heart wrenching regret to bring about a mighty change of heart and that is why repentance is often described as a painful process. The depth of your regret has to match the offense.  You can't cause a bucket load of pain for your spouse then offer a teaspoon of regret and expect it to balance out.

President Spencer W. Kimball said:

There must be a consciousness of guilt. It cannot be brushed aside. It must be acknowledged and not rationalized away. It must be given its full importance. If it is 10,000 talents, it must not be rated at 100 pence; if it is a mile long, it must not be rated a rod or a yard; if it is a ton transgression, it must not be rated a pound.  (What is True Repentance, Ensign, May 1974)

Alma described the regret he felt for his sins as being "tormented with the pains of hell" (Alma 36:13)

Your spouse needs to see your regret as well.  When they see your regret it softens their heart and shows them your heart is changing which builds trust.  If however your spouse has not seen genuine and sufficient regret, don't expect your apologies to carry a lot of weight.  To them it will feel like you are going through the motions, doing what you understand in your head is the right action to take, but lacking the emotion in the heart needed to really mean it.  They can forgive you, even if you don't do any of these steps, but if you want to restore the relationship and heal the wounds you will have to put your heart into it.

This can't be faked either, and it must be regret for what you did, not regret that you got caught.  If you genuinely do not feel an appropriate level of regret over what you did, you will need to work on that.  Have some empathy for your spouse's pain.  Don't make yourself a judge of how they should feel based on how you feel about things.  We all have different sore spots, different insecurities and fears.  The context of your life is not the same as the context of their life.  What may seems like a harmless bit of ribbing or a minor faux pa to you could be a devastating, cruel and hurtful attack in your spouse's eyes because of their past experiences and struggles in life.  You have to respect their feelings as valid and real even when you do not share them.

It may help to talk with your spouse to try and understand the situation from their perspective.  It may be a painful conversation to have, but it will help you understand your spouse better and show you are serous about trying to fix things. It may help you to avoid inadvertently causing more pain in the future.  Listen and don't judge, you are trying to understand them better so they need to be the one doing most of the talking.  Questions to get clarification are OK, but don't try and talk them out of feeling what they feel or back them into a corner.  Seeing their pain will hopefully soften your heart as well. 

Vindictiveness, hardness of heart, and pride will block genuine regret. If you struggle with those, pray for greater humility, empathy and understanding.  Bring the spirit into your life to soften your heart by reading the scriptures, attending church, going to the temple, and serving others. Seek to tap into the gifts of the spirit to help discern your spouse's side and empathize with them.

When you property recognize and regret what you have done the rest of the steps become things that your heart will compel you to do to free yourself of that pain.  They still may not be easy steps to take, but you'll have a strong motivating force to push you through it.  We will discuss the first action steps in Part 3.

Healing The Wounds Part 1 - Where To Start

I hope that those of you reading this blog do not assume that my marriage is perfect.  Many of the ideas I talk about here are things my wife and I are trying to live up to (with varying degrees of success).  While my wife and I love each other dearly and do our best, we are imperfect people and there are times where we cause hurt to each other.

This is a normal part of marriage.  Getting close to somebody emotionally goes hand in hand with giving them the ability to cause far deeper wounds to the heart than any stranger could ever inflict.  It often happens with no intent to cause harm, and even no realization that their actions or words would cause pain.  Certainly sinful behaviour like adultery, pornography usage etc. causes serious hurt in marriages, but spouses can hurt each other without committing such sins as well. 

These hurts are damaging to the relationship, and they must be addressed and healed. Don't count on time to erase everything, that often will make things worse.  If not dealt with correctly, some wounds may fester and spread.  Even if that doesn't happen and it seems to have been swept under the rug, over time an accumulation of scars take their toll.

Situations like this, even though they may not involve sin, are still closely related to the gospel principles of forgiveness and repentance.  God loves us more than we really understand.  When we rebel against his will, betray our covenant to follow Christ and instead commit sins, we hurt him.  We damage our relationship with our Heavenly Father.  The process of repentance is not a legal process, it is an emotional process for repairing that relationship and seeking a reconciliation.  The same process applies when we need to repair a marriage relationship, friendship, or any other relationship. 

Forgiveness: Human and Divine
The starting point of that process is forgiveness.  There are two types of forgiveness, human and divine.  Christ said:

Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.  I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. - D&C 64:9-10

Divine forgiveness, the forgiveness a sinner seeks from Christ, comes only on condition of repentance.  When it is obtained, the stain of sin is washed away from the transgressor's soul by the power of the atonement.

Human forgiveness however does not cleanse the sins of the offender, and we are obligated to give it freely and unconditionally, even if they never repent.

Forgiving somebody doesn't mean you pretend it never happened.  It doesn't mean you extend to them the same level of trust as before.  It doesn't mean  you stop hurting.  It certainly doesn't mean you make excuses for what they did or give approval.  While this video is not from an LDS source, but I think it does a good job clarifying what human forgiveness is and is not.

What it means to forgive is that you let go of your anger, bitterness, vindictiveness and hostility.  You don't lash out and try to 'make them pay' for what they did.  It doesn't let them off the hook, but it does give them an environment that encourages and facilitates their repentance while preventing your soul from becoming poisoned with hate and contention.  Whatever your spouse did, not forgiving them for it is a bigger sin because you make yourself an obstacle to their repentance.

Repentance and Reconciliation
To repair the relationship the offender must address what they did and do what is needed.  For the sake of this blog, if the relationship being repaired is between a person and God I'll call it repentance, and if it is between a person and their spouse or other person I'll call it reconciliation.  The process is the same in either case but with repentance comes divine forgiveness and reconciliation is most easily achieved when human forgiveness has already been given.  Only after we have repaired our relationship with God is He justified in cleansing us of our sins.

The onus is on the offender to make this effort, and they do not get to decide at what point the other party should reconcile with them.  When reconciliation does happen however, the relationship is restored, even strengthened. Repentance is often described as a painful process, and with good reason.  Likewise reconciliation can be painful too.  There are times where repentance requires the guidance and counsel of a Bishop, and times where reconciliation requires the help of a professional marriage counselor.

In Part 2 I'll start to go over the steps of this process, and more importantly why those are the steps that need to be taken, and how to proceed with them.

Fight For Your Marriage Part 4: Delivery

Read Part 1,  Part 2 and Part 3  first if you haven't yet.  

Now comes the hard part.  Actually bringing up the topic and delivering the message you need to send.  There are a number of different options and you will have to make a judgement call on what works best.  You may find your first choice to be not as effective as you hoped and switch to something else, but don't stop trying.

Just remember that you must not make them feel accused, blamed, judged, or threatened with any kind of consequence.  The objective is to develop mutual understanding so mutually satisfying solution can be found.  You two are a team, not opponents.

Rhetorical Tools

There are a few rhetorical tools that will help to get your message across in a positive way.  These can be used no matter what method is use to communicate.  These tools are:

Feel Statements
Anytime you feel inclined to make an accusation or lay blame, change it to a feel statement.  A feel statement describes the effect on you that their behaviour has.  For example:

"When you refuse to be intimate with me saying you are too tired, and then spend the next hour watching TV, I feel like you were not honest with me, avoiding me, and don't care how I feel."

That sounds a lot better than saying "You lie to me to avoid being intimate with me and don't care how I feel".  With a feel statement the only objection they can make is to claim they don't recall doing such a thing.  You may need to remind them of specifics.  

With an accusation you create a confrontation and force them to go on the defensive which will make it a lot harder to make progress.  A feel statement gives them an opening to explain what their thinking is, what their motives and reasons are.  When they do that it could drastically change your perspective, or make them aware of how their actions are impacting you.

Emotional Word Pictures
Emotional word pictures are a very useful way to help somebody relate to the feelings you have about something by comparing it to an emotional situation they already relate to.  You paint for them a picture with your words that evokes in them the emotions you want them to connect with what you are trying to explain to them.  To do that you need to know them well enough to know what kind of situation would have that kind of impact on them (even though it may not have that kind of emotional impact on you).

Say for example your spouse just can't understand why being refused for sex causes you to feel hurt (after all, it wouldn't hurt their feelings), but they have a great empathy for the feelings of little children.  You could say something like:

"Imagine you are a 2 year old and it's Sunday and you've been in Nursery for 2 hours.  You mother comes into the room and you are so happy to see her you run to her to give her a big hug, but she steps back and puts out her hand to stop you and says she doesn't feel like being hugged.  How do you think that child would feel, how do you think that child would feel if that happened a lot of the time?  That is like how I feel when you refuse my advances.'

By setting up a situation they relate to on an emotional level, then comparing it to a similar situation they don't relate to, they can come to understand things from your perspective better.

Questions
Once on my mission my companion knocked on a door and woman answered and  quickly turned us down, saying she was Catholic.  I suddenly asked her why she was a Catholic.  I hadn't planned on doing anything like that, the question just came out.  I felt I had been rude but she took the question seriously and hesitantly replied it was probably because she was raised Catholic.  I then asked (again without having planned to do this) if that was a good reason to be Catholic or not.  I could tell this was a question she had never asked herself, and after a pause she said it wasn't.  We invited her again to hear our message and although she turned us down again, you could tell it was because she needed time to think about our exchange.  Perhaps later on other missionaries got to teach her.

Questions are powerful tools you can use to get your spouse to look inside themselves and figure out what their own motives, beliefs and objectives that create their behaviour.  A lot of what they do may be nothing more than an unthinking habit, like that woman's Catholic faith.  Questions like:  What do you gain from that behaviour?  How would you feel if you acted this way instead?  What do you think needs to change? can get them to look inside themselves and open up to you.  Be sure to ask yourself the same kinds of questions.

Repetition
When there is something that is hard to wrap your head around, you need to hear it a few times before you really get it.  The mind has patterns of thinking about things that can be like a mental rut.  Even if someone manages to get out of the rut after a conversation, they can easily slip back into the same rut the next day.  It takes time and repetition to replace an old rut with a better rut.  It takes time and repetition to replace an old rut with a better rut.

Methods of Communication

Different methods of communication have different levels of 'richness' to them.  For example, written communication doesn't convey facial expression, tone of voice, or the emotion of the writer as easily as a face to face conversation does, so it doesn't have the richness of the a live conversation.  There are benefits and drawbacks with every method.  We'll start with the least rich methods and work our way up the scale.

Texts
Texting is a great way to send a short, quick message of affection, praise or gratitude to your spouse.  It is a terrible way of trying to explain complex emotions and work through challenges, don't even try to use it for that, but do send your spouse texts that affirm your feelings for them or uplift them in other ways.  It can also be used to set up a time later on for a conversation, chat or call.

There is nothing wrong with sending your spouse highly erotic texts, including photos or videos of a sexual nature if you dare, as long as you know your spouse will respond positively to them.  If you do this I would strongly recommend that you use one of the many apps out there for couples that helps to ensure the privacy of your messages and also helps prevent anything accidentally being sent to the wrong person. 

Email / Written letter
The written word can be an extremely effective communication tool and you may want to consider it as the first option to try.  You can take as much time as you need to compose your message and put lots of thought and prayer into how you phrase things.  You can make sure you hit all the points you want to hit and don't have to worry about being sidetracked by a remark from your spouse.  You can sleep on it after writing it, pray for guidance in writing it and for and confirmation that it is ready before you send it.  Your spouse can read it on their schedule and take time to think about things before either sending a reply or having a conversation.  This can all help keep things from getting out of hand emotionally and it makes it much easier to avoid or handle passive aggressive behaviors like denial,  blame shifting, revising history, guilt trips, and avoidance.

On the downside, sometimes the depth of emotion doesn't come across in the written word, likewise for humor or sarcasm or just the tone of the message.  Words can be misunderstood, mail could be ignored and left unread.  You may get a reply that is a emotional reaction rather than the result of thoughtful consideration. 

For some people, a handwritten letter caries more weight than a typed letter or email.  If you are giving them a written letter, it may be best to deliver it in person, and ask them face to face to read it and get back to you after thinking about it, and follow up in a few days asking if they have read it yet.

Online Chat
Online chats are a bit better than texting or sending mail as you get quicker feedback, but it is still a written form of communication and prone to the same weaknesses as letters and texting.  On top of that, while you can take a bit of time to think about your response to something, you can't take too long.  I it also more prone the the challenges that come with a face to face conversation.  You might as well go with a phone call or face to face conversation.

Phone / Video Call
A phone or video call is nearly the same as a face to face conversation, both in terms of advantages and challenges.  It is still preferable in most cases for there to physical proximity though.  If talking face to face, or waiting until it's possible to get together to do that is not practical, or if you feel unsafe having these kinds of discussion in the physical presence of your spouse than this is a good substitute for getting together.

Face to Face Conversation
This is the richest form of communication, and also the most challenging.  You won't be able to avoid it however, at some point you are going to have a heart to heart talk with your spouse.

Obviously this should happen in a private setting where there is ample time to talk.  In the evening together in the bedroom works for most people.  You can use physical touch to help keep the situation calmer.  Cuddle up to your spouse, or hold them, or just hold their hand.  Physical contact releases the bonding hormone Oxytocin putting you both in a better frame of mind for such a conversation.  Starting with a prayer wouldn't hurt either.

You need to think through what you are going to say ahead of time, have a plan.  Be prepared with the messages you intend to deliver and for likely objections.  If you need to, you can make some point form notes to cover but it may work better if you can avoid that.  You will need to open up to your spouse and don't be afraid to let you feelings show a bit. Saying something hurts you but looking like everything is fine can undermine the message.  Don't exaggerate or fake anything though, and don't let your emotions get in way of delivering your message.

Don't leave them feeling like they've been taken to the woodshed.  Express your love, appreciation, desire and respect for them and be sure to frame the conversation as the two of you working together on a common goal.  You need their help, they need yours. Express your needs as simple statements of fact, not demands or expectations.

In spite of your best efforts, the conversation may reach a point where there is contention and things are too heated.  Or it may just be going on for too long.  You may have to end the conversation for a time, and either go back to it later (the next night or soon after) or change methods and write them a letter instead.  In some cases it may be helpful to have such conversations in the presence of a professional marriage counselor who can help keep things on track and defuse harsh emotions so the conversation can continue to be productive.

One of the hardest things about having a face to face conversation is how easily the discussion can get sidetracked or bogged down in side issues.  If your spouse is bringing up concerns, don't shut them down to plow ahead with what you want to say, but don't let the conversation drift into unproductive areas. 

Your spouse may react in a defensive way, denying there is a problem or denying their acted in certain ways.  They may try to shift the blame to you, saying that their misbehavior is a result of something you did wrong.  They might claim events happened in a different way than you recall, or try to make you feel guilty for hurting their feelings by starting such conversation.

It can be hard to not get distracted by any of these and it may take some practice.  Don't apologize for trying to make your marriage better, don't apologize for seeking mutual sexual fulfillment (it is a righteous desire after all)  or for taking on the emotionally difficult task of addressing the issues rather than risk the marriage by ignoring them.  Do apologize for anything you've done that has contributed to the problem, but don't accept it as an excuse for their actions.  Be clear in your mind about past events.  You may need to point out (with kindness) when the same kinds of things happen again in the moment it happens if they have trouble believing they acted as you described.

Something else that may come up is them claiming they have a need to not fulfill your need.  If that happens, dig deeper.  What is it about your need that makes it something they feel they need to avoid?  If they went and fulfilled your need what would the cost be to them?  If you can get below the surface you can find the real need.  For example:

    Wife:  I need to limit having sex to once a week at most.

    Husband:  If we had sex 3 times in a week, how would that affect you negatively?

    Wife:  I would lose too much sleep and be tired all the time.  I usually don't orgasm so you leave me all wound up and I can't get to sleep for hours after and it is so frustrating.

    Husband:  If we had sex three times a week and you had an orgasm each time so you slept well, would there be a problem.

    Wife:  No, that would be great, but it doesn't happen like that.

    Husband:  Would you be willing to look for a way to make it like that?  I would love to give you orgasms every time.  Can you help me give you that?

The same situation could have a variety of causes, her issue could have been that having sex gave her needless feeling of guilt, or was physically painful, or doing it that often was something she considered being carnal, or some other reason.  The point is to get down to what is really needed.  The same goes for all needs, for both of you, look deep inside and see what is driving those needs, then you are in a position to find solutions you are both happy with.

Lastly, understand that this is not a one time thing, it is a long term project.  It will take several conversations before things start change.  You'll likely have to address the same concerns and objections a number of times.  As long as there is positive communication, there is progress being made.  The hardest part is at the beginning.  Once there is some progress it will fuel the desire and faith to go further.  But even after you reach the point where your intimate life is wonderful, you will both still have to fight for your marriage, but by then you'll have learned to fight together and that makes a world of difference.

Fight For Your Marriage Part 1: Preparation

The comments on my previous post reminded me of the time I started seeking to improve my marriage.  It also reminded me of conversations I've had with a friend in a similar situation years later, and many posts and comments I've seen in other marriage blogs and discussion boards.

In all these cases one spouse realized that their marriage needed to improve in the area of intimacy, and the other spouse was pushing back and opposed to the very idea.  Either somebody had to fight for their marriage to make it better, or just give up and accept things as they were and hope the hurt and disappointment didn't turn to resentment and anger, or lead to worse consequences.

I believe that fighting for your marriage is the right thing to do, and this blog is mostly about doing just that. I've talked about individual pieces of what fighting for your marriage includes but now I feel it's time to pull it together.  Although this is written from the perspective of resolving intimacy issues in the marriage, the same principles apply to other situations with a little adaption.

If you are in this situation and ready to fight for a better marriage than you have now, then you should first prepare yourself in these areas:

Vision
You need a vision of what your marriage could and should be.  I don't mean a dramatic revelation from God, but you need a picture in your head of what it is you want to work towards.  Chances are your spouse has a picture of that in their head too.  They may be as unhappy about things as you, just for different reasons.  The challenge will be to find a picture you agree on, then make it a reality as much as possible.  For now you need to start off with clarifying a picture of your own.

Faith
Joseph Smith said in Lectures on Faith that "it is faith, and faith only, which is the moving cause of all action".  Fighting for your marriage will not be easy.  There will be emotional pain, tears, frustration.  If you do not have faith that it will lead to something better you will not put in enough effort to accomplish what you want.  You need faith that God will help you, and faith that there is a way to move towards your vision.

Know who the enemy is... and is not
It's sometimes easy to see your spouse as the cause of hurt and pain then cast them as the enemy.  That isn't reality however, Satan is the enemy, and what better way can he destroy a marriage than to get spouses to see each other as the villain and forget about him?

Your spouse is your team mate.  They may not be as much of an asset to the team as they could be, but the same could probably be said for you as well.  The point is you can't go into this with the idea of 'defeating' your spouse.  You either win together or you lose together.

Part of your objective is to find a way to work together as a team.  If you are attacking them, criticizing them, complaining, and rubbing their face in their perceived failures, whey would they want to be on the same team as you?

Joseph Smith wrote in a letter to the Church:

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile— (D&C 121:41-42)

Note that he didn't just say it was a bad idea, he said that you can not maintain any kind of influence in somebody's life through authoritarian means.  It is impossible in the long run.  Seeing your spouse as your team mate rather than your enemy will help you treat them as those verses outline.  Fight the real enemy instead.

Related posts

Intimacy lessons from a jar of peanut butter  

When you just don't feel like it

How to grow your love for your spouse

Let us oft speak kind words

Live the gospel 
The best way to fight Satan is to live the gospel as best you can.  That's right, go to church (and the temple), read the scriptures, pray and keep the commandments.  Don't brush that off as trite or simplistic.  A wise Bishop of mine once said that other than receiving ordinances like the sacrament, the purpose of any church meeting is to receive revelation, those quiet whispers of the Spirit reminding us of something we should do.  It can also happen while read the scriptures, but if our lives our out of harmony with the gospel we block God's inspiration.

You can not change somebody's heart, but God can.  You need His help and His inspiration.  Through faith and righteousness you can draw on the powers of heaven and gain access to the gifts of the Spirit.  Living the gospel will also increase your faith and your capacity to love.

When you pray, don't pray like you are leaving a voice mail message for God.  Talk with Him, tell him not just what you want but why you want it.  Tell him what you plan to do, how you feel and what made you feel that way.  Don't tell him what you think He wants you to say, say what you really mean, and even cry on His shoulder.  Plead your case.  He knows what you are feeling, He won't rob you of the growth you get from overcoming by giving you some instant fix, but He will help. 

Un-Christlike behaviour and attitudes are at the root of all relationship issues.  The more Christlike you can become, the better off your marriage is even if nothing else changes.

Related posts

Soul mates, by choice

Sexuality and Spirituality

Have righteous motives
When your spouse pushes back, one thing they may do is call your motives into question.  You need to make sure your motives are well thought out and in harmony with the gospel so you are ready to answer such accusations by clearly explaining why you are pursuing this.

Don't just focus on the external and immediate pain point. If you frame your objective as having sex more often with your spouse, you may want to re-think that.  That only looks at what you want, with no consideration for your spouse's feelings or needs.  Your spouse will sense you ulterior, selfish motive and refuse to co-operate, or pursue a selfish motive of their own to further limit intimacy with no regard for your feelings.  Each one is as bad as the other.

In theory you could have sex more often by resorting to bullying and manipulation but would that get you the kind of marriage you want?  No, and in the long run I expect you would find yourself alone if you did that. Having sex more often should not be the objective, the objective should be to have a mutually happy and fulfilling relationship.  One where you each have leaned how to find real joy in meeting each others needs.  An increase in sexual intimacy is only a side effect and the sexual relationship is only a portion of what makes a marriage happy and fulfilling for both spouses.

Related posts

Moving towards sexual fulfillment - Part 1

Moving towards sexual fulfillment - Part 2

Ground yourself in sound doctrine
Another area where push back occurs is over basic ideas and beliefs about sexuality.  You may have to push back against ideas like sex is a necessary evil, or intended only for reproduction, or that sexual desire for one's spouse is not in keeping with church standards, or having sex often is carnal, or that sexual desire is lust or that sex should not be that important.

It is important that you don't buy into such false ideas, or you will find yourself hard pressed to help your spouse overcome them.  Get it firmly settled in your heart that sex is a wonderful and divine gift from God and he is fully approving of married couples being intimate and enjoying, often.  There are many quotes from various General Authorities along those lines.

Some true teachings are misunderstood.  Passions are to be bridled, but sometimes that message is taken as they are to be repressed.  To bridal one's passions means they are harnessed so they can put to good use.  Never buy into the idea that you are somehow in the wrong to feel a desire for intimacy with your spouse.  Feeling sexual desire only becomes carnal or lustful if one puts their gratification above obedience to God.  The desire a spouse feels for their partner is neither carnal or lustful since it is a desire to do something righteous.  It is also an emotion God planted in the hearts of mankind to bring men and women together to be one flesh.  God command Adam and Eve to cleave to each other, not push each other away.

Related posts

Is sex really that important? 

Is having sex a need or a want?

Have realistic objectives  
Perfection is not going to happen in this world.  Our spouse won't be perfect, we won't be perfect, and our circumstances won't be perfect either.  Our objectives need to be realistic and this is an area where it is best to keep objectives vague and not attach an artificial deadline to them.  Feeling pressured destroys intimacy and can backfire by creating resentment and frustration and a lack of co-operation.  It is not a race, if things are moving in the right direction, be happy about it.  If they are not moving in the right direction, don't make it worse by over reacting.

There are a number of circumstances that will slow progress.  Negative emotions resulting from past sexual sins, growing up in a sex-negative home environment, and wrong teaching by well meaning local church leaders are things that can be dealt with but they can take some time.  Mental illness, other medical conditions, past sexual abuse or other traumatic experiences can be much harder to overcome, and might never be fully overcome in mortality.

They may take your effort to change things as a way of you saying you don't love them as they are and need to be reassured that you are trying to change things because you love them, not because you need them to change for you to love them.

Courage
How many times have you heard that contention is of the devil?  Probably a lot.  Let's take a closer look at that scripture:

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. (3 Nephi 11:29)

To me, a 'spirit of contention' is an attitude of looking for a fight, taking offense easily, and acting out in anger.  It is not like what Jude said when he told the early Christians to 'earnestly contend for the faith' (Jude 1:3).

You can not fight for your marriage without running into disagreements with your spouse, and having your spouse object and push back.  There will be times where you need to push back against what they say and stand your ground with courage, but you need to be able to 'earnestly contend', not 'contend with anger'.   No name calling, no lashing out.  Even with your deepest disagreements you need to remember that 'A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.' (Prov 15:1)

If you feel yourself getting angry, shelve the topic for another time.  If you tend toward the other end of the scale and avoid conflict even when you should not, you need to steel yourself for those moments where you have to take a stand.

Related posts

How to fight with your spouse (and why you should)

Humility 
It is easy to see how our partner needs to change, and also easy to be blind to how we need to change.  Are you being the best spouse you can be?  Are you meeting your husband's or wife's relationship needs well?  How do you know what their needs are?  Just because you are doing things the way you would like them done for you doesn't mean you are doing them the way your spouse needs them done. 

This isn't about 'fixing them' and if they feel it is that will lead them to push back.  It has to be about improving the marriage.  It is pretty rare for only one spouse to need to change to improve a marriage, so be prepared to listen and learn what you need to do for them.  Set the example by not pushing back and resisting change, even if they do.  Invite your spouse to help you become better and they won't feel like this is a one way street.

Related posts

Facing the need to change

Persistence and patience
Deeply engrained ideas can take time to change, especially when there are deep emotions that go with them.  Don't expect one brilliantly worded speech to change much.  You are going to have to repeat yourself several times, refute the same objections again and again before an old paradigm is replaced with a new one.  Don't get frustrated, just calmly and peacefully address the concern again.  Exercise faith that things will change and continue to pray for help and guidance.  Remember the parable of the unjust judge.

Charity and forgiveness

Last but not least, you must have charity towards your spouse.  1Cor 13:4-7 has a lot to say of charity.  It suffereth long and is kind.  It keeps one from 'acting unseemly' (lashing out, slamming doors, other immature and destructive behaviors).  A charitable person does not selfishly seek for just their own satisfaction without regard for others, doesn't take offense easily, and don't assume the worst of others.  In fact the key to being charitable is to assume the best, and not attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance or something else.

You also must not hold a grudge over any past offense.  If you do that you will not be able to do the things above. Forgiving somebody doesn't mean you pretend it never happened, it doesn't mean you don't still hurt over it, it doesn't mean you must extend the same trust as before, but it does mean that you let go of any desire for payback, any hostility toward the other person. 

To restore a relationship fully requires both forgiveness and reconciliation.  Forgiveness is something an offended person can give no matter what the offender does or does not do, but for there to be reconciliation the offender needs to act to fix what they broke.  That would include recognizing their error, feeling genuine regret for it that matches the seriousness of the offense, making a full confession, asking for forgiveness, making restitution and not doing it again.  The same steps we take when we reconcile ourselves to God through repentance.

That a lot of preparation, but you must start with that.  Next we'll discuss things you can do and how to do them.

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Click here for Part 2

Spreadsheets and Bedsheets

Not long ago, the Internet was abuzz with the story of a man who kept track for a month of all the times he attempted to initiate sex with his wife and what the results were.  He recorded if he they had sex and what his wife's response was if they didn't.  Out of 27 attempts they had sex 3 times.  He sent the spreadsheet to her to make a point about his dissatisfaction with their sexual relationship.  His wife took offense over this and posted the spreadsheet online expecting a wave
of sympathy for having to put up with a husband who would do such a thing.

Comments from the Internet were all over the place.  Some posters taking the view that if she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to and he just has to deal with it.  Others saying that she obligated herself towards him by choosing to marry him and it was wrong of her to not follow through.  Some denouncing what the husband did as immature, others the wife for being frigid.  In general it appeared to me that people were more sympathetic towards the husband (although not always approving of his tactics) which makes sense as most couples do have sex more than 3 times a month.

Obviously we do not know the full story of this couple but it raises some worthwhile questions.  Is there an obligation for a spouse to be intimate with their partner, and if so, how often?  Is it wrong for a spouse to express dissatisfaction with how frequently they are intimate?  How do you resolve situations of this nature?

This is related to the question: 'Is having sex a a need or a want', and like most questions that come up about sexual relationships, this is not a simple yes or no question.  If we look at Paul's counsel in 1 Cor 7:2-5, he refers to rejecting intimacy with one's spouse as defrauding them.

We can also look at what Elder Richard G. Scott said in the Priesthood session of the April 2000 General Conference:

When we were created, Father in Heaven put in our body the capacity to stir powerful emotions. Within the covenant of marriage, when properly used in ways acceptable to both and to the Lord, those emotions open the doors for children to come to earth. Such sacred expressions of love are an essential part of the covenant of marriage.

However it would be wrong to take that as meaning that every single time one spouse desires sexual intimacy that the other is obligated to comply no matter what.  Elder Scott went on to say:

There are times, brethren, when you need to restrain those feelings. There are times when you need to allow their full expression. Let the Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your marriage.

And likewise Paul's counsel included that couples could refrain for a short time by mutual consent for righteous purposes.

The difference between defrauding one's spouse of intimacy and righteous restraint lies in the reason.  Are we obligated to be kind, charitable, considerate of our spouse's feelings and needs, and willing to serve our spouse in love to the best of our ability?  As people who have covenanted to follow Christ we are, so we can't then justify rejecting a spouse if that rejection is based on selfishly putting our own desires above the stewardship we have towards our spouse.  If however something like illness, exhaustion, other obligations that leave no time for sex, or serious unresolved relationship problems are what is preventing us from going ahead with it then restraint is appropriate.

While one couple may have sex every day, or nearly every day, and another couple may rarely have sex, as long as both spouses are happy and feel their needs are at least adequately met there is no problem.  It is rare for both spouses to need the same frequency of sexual intimacy their partner does to feel sexually fulfilled so finding a point where both are happy and fulfilled can take some effort.

The tricky thing is that neither spouse should feel pressured to perform sexually or pressured to repress their desires either.  Those desires are from God as Elder Scott (and others) have indicated.  While they do need to be temporarily restrained sometimes and controlled, they should not be repressed and eliminated.

If a spouse feels pressured to be intimate, some introspection is called for.  Pressure requires resistance, so if one feels pressured, where is the resistance coming from?  What perceived consequence is being avoided?  Is the resistance the result of some idea about sex or marriage that is incorrect, or some selfish impulse, or is it a situation like the ones mentioned above where restraint is the right choice?  If you know where the resistance is coming from, you can know if you should drop that resistance or not.

Communication is an important tool to prevent misunderstanding and hurt feelings.  Responding to a spouse with a flat 'No' when they try to initiate intimacy is far more likely to wound than a gentle explanation of what obstacles stand in the way of saying 'Yes'.  Even if those obstacles are not things that can be resolved that day it helps to prevent feelings of personal rejection.

If the frequency of sexual encounters is not meeting the needs of one spouse (as in the case of 'Spreadsheet Guy', they need to communicate that without making anybody feel accused or attacked.  It is often true that a spouse who refuses intimacy frequently also overestimates how often they have sex, so sometimes some factual historical data is useful, but in this case it was presented vindictively.  Even when presented in kind way, there is always a chance that a conversation of this nature could become very tense, and if so it would be good to follow the advice in How to Fight with your spouse (and why you should).

In a nutshell, the obligation is not really to have sex, or to meet some target for how often sexual intimacy takes place.  The obligation we have as people trying to be Christ-like is to be loving, generous and kind towards our spouse. If the situation is such that one spouse desires intimacy but it would be a negative experience for the other spouse, that kindness is manifested by that spouse exercising temporary restraint on their desires and both working to overcome the obstacles quickly.  If there are no such obstacles, then kindness is shown by the other spouse willingly and happily doing what they can to meet their spouse's needs.

I feel safe saying that the spreadsheet couple were not acting in that way.  Hopefully they have both taken a closer look at what each of them is doing and made some positive changes.  Ask yourself however what your spouse's spreadsheet would look like if they kept track the same way, and what could you do to make it a record to be proud of.

How to fight with your spouse (and why you should)

One of the mistakes I made early on in my marriage was that I didn't fight enough with my wife. By fight I do not mean raised voices and cruel things being said in anger.  Believe it or not we have never, ever had that kind of fight.  And I'm not talking about disagreements like where a picture should be hung or what color to paint a room.  I'm talking about those emotionally charged moments that start with one of you angering or hurting the feelings of the other. 

I would bottle those feelings up to avoid a potential fight.  I didn't trust myself to keep it from turning contentious, and as we know, contention is of the devil.  I saw those kind of fights as a sign of a bad relationship and I though I was doing our marriage a favor by avoiding conflict.  I told myself that she didn't mean it, so just ignore it and don't turn it into something that could potentially escalate to the point where we say things we would regret later.

Contention and fighting in anger is not a good thing, but at the same time a conflict avoided is a conflict unresolved.  Most of the time my wife upset me without ever realizing that she did it.  I denied her the chance to learn where my sore spots were, what was going on in my head.  I never gave her a chance to correct any misunderstanding I had about her motives or to adjust my expectations to something more realistic.  The times that I did talk about it, it was long after the fact and while I may have said how it made me feel, she still never saw the evidence that it did bother me that much so the words didn't sink in much.

Things just got bottled up and festered slowly until it got to a point where adding up all these offenses left me unsure if my wife really loved me.  At some point point avoiding conflict became motivated by the fear that if push came to shove, I might find out she really did mean to hurt me, or just didn't care. 

Conflicts will come up in any marriage, but they must be addressed, not avoided.  While it's true they can be addressed in very unhealthy and unproductive ways (even destructive ways) they can also be addressed in ways that strengthen a relationship and create greater intimacy.

It was a bit scary when I decided I wasn't going to avoid potential conflicts any longer.  It was a leap of faith to trust myself enough to express strong negative emotions without losing control, but I did it well enough.  Since then we have had several tense discussions charged with emotion but thankfully we both were able to stay civil.  Those discussions have been huge steps forward in our relationship and we both know each other now better than we ever did. It seemed I also had some things to learn about how to not hurt or offend her as well.  Imagine that!

While initially this change lead to a several conflicts at first, the frequency of those conflicts rapidly dropped off as we came to know each other better.  The same mistakes were not being made over and over again, or at least not as often.  We found a different kind of intimacy where you had to strip your soul naked and admit to your insecurities, jealousies, fears, and point out the past wounds that are not fully healed and need to be left alone or treated with love. 

I'm glad it never devolved into an unhealthy conflict and I think we managed to do that by sticking as best we could to some basic rules:

1.  Stay on topic.
D&C 121:43 says to reprove with sharpness, that doesn't mean with cutting remarks, it means with clarity and focus.  Don't muddy the waters by dragging in other issues, stay focused on the one problem at hand.

2.  Don't delay the discussion any more than you have to.
Generally these conflicts are best had in private, not in public and certainly not in front of the kids.  Often that means there will need to be a delay between the event and the discussion about it, but that delay should not be longer than it has to be.

The more time passes, the less serious the complaint will be taken and the less impact it will have on future behavior.  Sometimes that little delay is not a bad thing, giving you a chance to gather you thoughts and evaluate how best to state your case.

3.  Don't accuse, use feel statements instead.
Joseph Smith said: "If you do not accuse each other, God will not accuse you (History of the Church, 4:445)"  Accusations are by nature adversarial and prompt people to become defensive, dig in and resist change by justifying themselves.  Accusations put you and your spouse on opposite sides where one has the win and the other has to lose.  When that happens, the marriage loses either way.

It is more effective to use a feel statement instead.  A feel statement is a statement of cause and effect.  Their behavior is the cause, your emotions are the effect.  'When you do this, I feel that' goes over much better than 'You are so...'  It allows you to communicate the same information, but without putting your spouse on the defensive, in fact you open the door for them to explain their own motives and thoughts, or to modify their behavior without feeling coerced.  It also keeps you both on the same team, working toward mutual understanding and reconciliation together. 

4.  Don't justify or blame shift
Offering an apology or making a change when it is called for can be a hard thing.  Sometimes we try to avoid doing that by seeking to justify our actions.  It's the same as telling somebody that they are wrong to feel what they feel, but you don't get to decide how somebody else does or should feel about something.  Sometimes know we were wrong but we want to explain why we thought we were doing the right thing, but that is an explanation that should wait until after the apology has been made so it is not mistake for an attempt to avoid an apology.

Blame shifting is another tactic designed to avoid apologizing and changing.  With blame shifting the offender casts their offending actions as being the fault of the person they should be apologizing to, or they cast their actions as virtuous and claim their spouse only sees them as wrong because of some flaw in them.  An example of this would be the spouse who is bothered at how often their efforts to be intimate are met with rejection and winds up having the blame shifted onto them by being called carnal and sex-obsessed.

5.  No name calling, threats or insults
If you can't express love for your spouse in the middle of a conflict, you are doing it wrong.  If you do include expressions of your love for you spouse in your conflict, the fight will not scar your relationship.

No matter how much you think it is justified, no matter how much you want to lash back, don't ever insult your spouse, call them unkind names, or make threats, especially threats about divorcing or cheating on them.  Words cut deeper than any blade, you can't unsay them, and no matter how much you apologize for it after, the fact remains that those words came into your head and came out your mouth and that can plant a very bad kind of seed in your spouses mind.  Don't say anything you don't want them to really take to heart and believe. (See also: Let us oft speak kind words...)

6.  Don't attribute motives, listen to your spouse.
Like Steven R Covey said, seek to understand before you seek to be understood.  Sometimes we assume we know why somebody did something.  Sometimes the entire conflict hinges on that assumption, and often that assumption is either wrong or incomplete.  Feel statements are way to draw out from our spouse what their motives and thinking were but you have to listen, you have to give them a fair chance to explain themselves, not just rant at them and storm off.

Give your spouse the benefit of a doubt, listen to their side and try to see their perspective, not just try and force them to see things your way.  Somewhere along the way one or both of you will learn something about each other that will help avoid similar conflicts in the future.

7.  Apologize sincerely
Don't apologize insincerely, but do apologize.  Even when you think what you did was perfectly right and justified there are likely still things you can apologize for.  If you actions had unintended outcomes you regret (like offending your spouse), apologize for those.  If the conflict could have been avoided by communicating better earlier on, you can apologize for that. 

Reconciliation is the same thing as repentance.  It is about repairing a relationship harmed by wrongdoing.  Make sure you are both clear on what it was that should be apologized for, why it was wrong, and how it can be avoided in the future.  Make sure they know you do regret it, ask their forgiveness, make it up to them as best you can, and commit to not making that mistake again. (See also: A better way to say sorry)

8.  Show your love for each other and don't dredge it up again.
D&C 121:43  also says to show an increase of love after a conflict 'lest he esteem thee to be his enemy'.  When the storm is over, reaffirm your love for each other to clear the air.  Make up sex is the absolute best way to sooth over both bruised hearts.  Apology and forgiveness create deep emotional intimacy, and increased emotional intimacy easily translates into increased passion.  After that, don't dredge it up again.  God doesn't do that with us, we should follow His example.

I wish I could say that my wife and I have been perfect at following all those rules but of course we haven't been.   But we've followed them well enough to know their value and to know that avoiding conflicts rather than resolving them results in avoiding truly becoming one with each other and with God.