Healing the Wounds Part 4 - Restituion and Resolve

[Part 1]  [Part 2] [Part 3]

Making a full confession and asking for forgiveness is a vital part of healing a wound, but by themselves they are just words.  Those words need to be followed up with action to be taken seriously.

Restitution
Making restitution is a vital part of the healing process.  True regret comes with a desire to make up for the wrongs done.  Simply stopping the hurtful behaviour is not enough by itself.  Consider the case of a bank robber who expresses deep regret and sorrow over what they did, promises they won't do it again, but keeps the money and hides from the law.  It calls their words into question if they are unwilling to pay back or make up for what they did.

Sometimes however a direct form of restitution like that is not possible.  That doesn't mean you have a excuse to skip this step.  What you should do instead is to make restitution by making up for what you did.  Swing the pendulum to the other side and counteract a misdeed with it's opposite.

A spouse who had a habit of speaking harshly to their companion can't undo the fact that they said what they said, but the can make restitution by making a habit of giving their partner genuine praise instead.  A spouse who has been inconsiderate of their partner's sexual needs can't go back in time and change years of selfish refusal, but they can makes restitution by doing all they can to make the future one that includes a high level of sexual fulfillment for their spouse.

Restitution like this is not something you do for a week or a month then drop, it is a lifelong change.  It shows your spouse you have had a true change of heart rather than just a change of mind.  It proves to them that you are no longer the kind of person who would do such a thing.  It wins back their trust and confidence in your feelings for them.

Resolve to never do it again
True regret is a painful thing, and it should be painful enough that it drives you to do all the steps after it.  It should also be painful enough to leave you resolved to never do such a thing again.  Your resolve reform yourself needs to be expressed to your spouse in words, and demonstrated in deed for the rest of your life.  As I mentioned before, the Lord said:

By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them. (D&C 58:43)

If a spouse makes their confession, asks forgiveness and makes restitution for what they did, then goes on to do it again (even if many years later) it re-opens the original wound.  After that, confessions will be harder to take as sincere and a greater restitution will be required.

In Luke 7:37-50 a woman known to be a sinner washes the feet of the Savior with her tears and anoints his feet with expensive ointment.  Simon the Pharisee thought that if Christ were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman this was and not let her do this.  Christ, sensing his thoughts taught:

Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little. (Luke 7:47)

Likewise, to whom much is forgiven, the same loveth greatly as this woman showed.  These steps allow a couple to tap into the power of the atonement which can heal the wounds and restore peace and love to a marriage.  When there is both forgiveness and all the elements of reconciliation present, a marriage can come out of adversity stronger than it was before the trial began, with deeper love between the spouses.  Even a case of adultery can end with hearts healed and a marriage strengthened if both do their part.   Even if a spouse is unwilling or slow to forgive, this process will be a blessing to those who follow it. 

Healing the Wounds Part 3 - Reveal and Request

[Click here for Part 1]  [Click here for Part 2]

So far we've talked about things that need to happen inside the head and heart of the spouse that caused the hurt, but to actually heal the relationship requires taking action.  They need to fix what they broke as best they can.  It is not an easy process and the reality is that things may need to get worse before they get better.  That is why the first two steps are so important.  It is unlikely that somebody will take the painful actions needed to heal the relationship unless driven by a pain of regret that is greater.

Reveal Everything
The first action is to fully confess your wrongs.  Not just the parts your spouse already knows about, but the things they don't know as well.  Come clean, put it all out there.  It is not enough to just stop doing wrong. The Lord said:

By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them. (D&C 58:43)

It is best to do this without having to be compelled to by circumstances.  A person who is caught red handed and only admits to the things that have already been uncovered will seem like they are only sorry they were caught,  even if there really is nothing more to confess, and they genuinely regret their actions.

Apologize and lay out what you did, how often, for how long, why (not as an excuse).  Also share your journey of coming to realize and regret your actions and the pain you feel as a result. 

It will be tempting to say to yourself  'There is no need to confess that part, they don't know, I won't do it again, so why put them through the pain of revealing it?'  It would be a mistake to act in that way however.

Keeping a secret like that is harmful to yourself and to your marriage.  You will not be able to free yourself of the pain of regret and personal shame of what you have done.  Instead you will carry that burden and it will eat at you and undermine your happiness.  It will leave you aware of your unworthiness which is something Satan can use against you when he tries to tempt you again, and he will try.  You won't be able to feel fully loved and accepted by your spouse either.  When your spouse says they love you, you will wonder if they would have said that if they knew the whole story.

Even if your spouse doesn't know, they will likely sense that you have not been fully open with them or carry nagging doubts that weaken the marriage and create insecurity.  They also can not forgive you for something they do not know you did.  Some day they will know exactly what happened.  Either at the judgement bar or sooner they will know it, and also know that you hid it from them and lied to them that there was nothing more to confess. Your reconciliation will then be undone and the relationship will be worse off than before.

In contrast, a full, unforced confession may cause a lot of pain in the short term, but it also helps to rebuild trust and give hope that things can be made better.  It makes it easier for your spouse to forgive when your actions demonstrate true repentance by coming clean voluntarily.  Confession is good for the soul no matter what the reaction is.  The burden of hiding and lying will be gone and the process of healing will have started.  Even if the revelation leads to the break up of the marriage, it enables you both to heal and move forward.  A marriage held together by lies and secrets is not going to become an eternal marriage.

Revealing everything may be a process rather than an event.  Usually when a spouse is blindsided by something big they will not absorb it all at once.  They will come back with questions, request clarification, and need to go over something a few more times before they can wrap their head around it.  Answer every question and request completely until they are fully satisfied that they know the situation.  Don't hide, justify, downplay or brush off anything.  Give them the security of knowing there will be no nasty surprises down the road.

Request Forgiveness
Confessing your wrongs implies a request for forgiveness, but it should still be stated outright that you are sorry for what you did, and you wish to obtain forgiveness from them and from God.  The apology is your admission that you are in the wrong.  It also acknowledges your spouse's pain and validates it.  It brings them into the process, laying out what their part is and calling on them to start the work of forgiving.

While it is true that we have an obligation to forgive others (D&C 64:9-10), do not ask for forgiveness as if it is owed to you or that you deserve it because of your wonderful confession and painful regret.   You are asking your spouse to give you something you do not deserve.  They may owe it to God to forgive, but they do not owe it to you, even if you have forgiven them of something worse, even if you already have God`s forgiveness for what you did.  Their forgiveness is a gift and it should be humbly asked for and graciously received when offered.

It may take a spouse some time before they are ready to offer that gift.  Give them that time.  You do not get to decide how they should feel or how soon their heart should be ready to forgive.

Sometimes it is necessary to apologize more than once, especially if the offense is particularly hurtful. I have learned over the years that it sometimes takes several apologies before the sincerity of the apology is able to penetrate the wounded heart of an offended spouse. (Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage, Ensign, September 2011)

When there is a strong bond of love between a couple, then there is a desire to forgive and return to the joy that was shared before the offense took place.  That reconciliation has to be earned however, otherwise the forgiving spouse is just allowing themselves to be walked all over and abused.

Confessing and asking for forgiveness is not the limit of what must be done to heal the wounds and restore the same level of love and trust that existed before.  In Part 4 we'll go over the last two things that must be done.

Healing the Wounds Part 2 - Recognition and Regret

[Click here for Part 1]
Imagine you are watching a typical date movie.  Boy meets girl, they fall in love, he does something that hurts or offends her, and now she is at the airport ready to board a plane to Europe and leave her heartbreak behind forever.  He rushes to the airport and catches up to her at the last possible moment and looking deep into her eyes he says "It was only one time, it wasn't my fault, you're making a big deal out of nothing and you just need to get over it."

I don't think she would be very unlikely to change her plans based on what he said.

As I mentioned in Part 1, the path to healing a relationship with a spouse (or anyone else) is the same process as healing our relationship with God when we sin, so I'll be taking quotes from scripture and church leaders about the process of repentance and applying them here to the process of reconciliation.

Recognition
The first step in healing the wounds is to recognize that you caused a wound.  If you didn't mean to wound you spouse it doesn't mean there is no wound, and if you can't recognize your wrongdoing you won't be able to reconcile over it.

Recognition is something that happens in the mind.  You realize on an intellectual level that your actions or words were not what they should have been.  This may be because you can see the hurt or anger you caused, or because you are aware of how your actions violate expectations and reasonable treatment of other people.

The enemy of recognition is defensiveness and justification.  If you push back against the idea that you are in the wrong and try to rationalize it, then you are not going to be able to make things better.  It doesn't matter what wrongs your spouse has done, or what other circumstances exist, you have to accept responsibility for your actions and embrace the fact that it was the wrong thing to do.  You don't get to decide how somebody else should feel about something.  We all want to be the hero of our own story, but there are times we need face up to the fact that we have become the villain in another person's story and will stay that way until we change it into a story of our redemption.

Regret
Regret is probably the most important, as well as the hardest step to take.  We live in an age where anything that produces guilt is labeled as judgmental and intolerant, but that ideology creates a barrier to reconciliation and repentance.  A 'safe space' will not save your relationship, it will allow wounds to fester until the relationship is too infected to survive.

The Apostle Paul praised 'godly sorrow' as something the leads to repentance and salvation (2Cor 7:10).  It is your regret that will provide the emotional fuel to do what you need to do to achieve a reconciliation.  Without an appropriate level of regret you might go through the motions of each step, but they will be hollow and meaningless actions that won't produce lasting results.

While recognition happens in the mind, regret happens in the heart.  It takes heart wrenching regret to bring about a mighty change of heart and that is why repentance is often described as a painful process. The depth of your regret has to match the offense.  You can't cause a bucket load of pain for your spouse then offer a teaspoon of regret and expect it to balance out.

President Spencer W. Kimball said:

There must be a consciousness of guilt. It cannot be brushed aside. It must be acknowledged and not rationalized away. It must be given its full importance. If it is 10,000 talents, it must not be rated at 100 pence; if it is a mile long, it must not be rated a rod or a yard; if it is a ton transgression, it must not be rated a pound.  (What is True Repentance, Ensign, May 1974)

Alma described the regret he felt for his sins as being "tormented with the pains of hell" (Alma 36:13)

Your spouse needs to see your regret as well.  When they see your regret it softens their heart and shows them your heart is changing which builds trust.  If however your spouse has not seen genuine and sufficient regret, don't expect your apologies to carry a lot of weight.  To them it will feel like you are going through the motions, doing what you understand in your head is the right action to take, but lacking the emotion in the heart needed to really mean it.  They can forgive you, even if you don't do any of these steps, but if you want to restore the relationship and heal the wounds you will have to put your heart into it.

This can't be faked either, and it must be regret for what you did, not regret that you got caught.  If you genuinely do not feel an appropriate level of regret over what you did, you will need to work on that.  Have some empathy for your spouse's pain.  Don't make yourself a judge of how they should feel based on how you feel about things.  We all have different sore spots, different insecurities and fears.  The context of your life is not the same as the context of their life.  What may seems like a harmless bit of ribbing or a minor faux pa to you could be a devastating, cruel and hurtful attack in your spouse's eyes because of their past experiences and struggles in life.  You have to respect their feelings as valid and real even when you do not share them.

It may help to talk with your spouse to try and understand the situation from their perspective.  It may be a painful conversation to have, but it will help you understand your spouse better and show you are serous about trying to fix things. It may help you to avoid inadvertently causing more pain in the future.  Listen and don't judge, you are trying to understand them better so they need to be the one doing most of the talking.  Questions to get clarification are OK, but don't try and talk them out of feeling what they feel or back them into a corner.  Seeing their pain will hopefully soften your heart as well. 

Vindictiveness, hardness of heart, and pride will block genuine regret. If you struggle with those, pray for greater humility, empathy and understanding.  Bring the spirit into your life to soften your heart by reading the scriptures, attending church, going to the temple, and serving others. Seek to tap into the gifts of the spirit to help discern your spouse's side and empathize with them.

When you property recognize and regret what you have done the rest of the steps become things that your heart will compel you to do to free yourself of that pain.  They still may not be easy steps to take, but you'll have a strong motivating force to push you through it.  We will discuss the first action steps in Part 3.

Healing The Wounds Part 1 - Where To Start

I hope that those of you reading this blog do not assume that my marriage is perfect.  Many of the ideas I talk about here are things my wife and I are trying to live up to (with varying degrees of success).  While my wife and I love each other dearly and do our best, we are imperfect people and there are times where we cause hurt to each other.

This is a normal part of marriage.  Getting close to somebody emotionally goes hand in hand with giving them the ability to cause far deeper wounds to the heart than any stranger could ever inflict.  It often happens with no intent to cause harm, and even no realization that their actions or words would cause pain.  Certainly sinful behaviour like adultery, pornography usage etc. causes serious hurt in marriages, but spouses can hurt each other without committing such sins as well. 

These hurts are damaging to the relationship, and they must be addressed and healed. Don't count on time to erase everything, that often will make things worse.  If not dealt with correctly, some wounds may fester and spread.  Even if that doesn't happen and it seems to have been swept under the rug, over time an accumulation of scars take their toll.

Situations like this, even though they may not involve sin, are still closely related to the gospel principles of forgiveness and repentance.  God loves us more than we really understand.  When we rebel against his will, betray our covenant to follow Christ and instead commit sins, we hurt him.  We damage our relationship with our Heavenly Father.  The process of repentance is not a legal process, it is an emotional process for repairing that relationship and seeking a reconciliation.  The same process applies when we need to repair a marriage relationship, friendship, or any other relationship. 

Forgiveness: Human and Divine
The starting point of that process is forgiveness.  There are two types of forgiveness, human and divine.  Christ said:

Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.  I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. - D&C 64:9-10

Divine forgiveness, the forgiveness a sinner seeks from Christ, comes only on condition of repentance.  When it is obtained, the stain of sin is washed away from the transgressor's soul by the power of the atonement.

Human forgiveness however does not cleanse the sins of the offender, and we are obligated to give it freely and unconditionally, even if they never repent.

Forgiving somebody doesn't mean you pretend it never happened.  It doesn't mean you extend to them the same level of trust as before.  It doesn't mean  you stop hurting.  It certainly doesn't mean you make excuses for what they did or give approval.  While this video is not from an LDS source, but I think it does a good job clarifying what human forgiveness is and is not.

What it means to forgive is that you let go of your anger, bitterness, vindictiveness and hostility.  You don't lash out and try to 'make them pay' for what they did.  It doesn't let them off the hook, but it does give them an environment that encourages and facilitates their repentance while preventing your soul from becoming poisoned with hate and contention.  Whatever your spouse did, not forgiving them for it is a bigger sin because you make yourself an obstacle to their repentance.

Repentance and Reconciliation
To repair the relationship the offender must address what they did and do what is needed.  For the sake of this blog, if the relationship being repaired is between a person and God I'll call it repentance, and if it is between a person and their spouse or other person I'll call it reconciliation.  The process is the same in either case but with repentance comes divine forgiveness and reconciliation is most easily achieved when human forgiveness has already been given.  Only after we have repaired our relationship with God is He justified in cleansing us of our sins.

The onus is on the offender to make this effort, and they do not get to decide at what point the other party should reconcile with them.  When reconciliation does happen however, the relationship is restored, even strengthened. Repentance is often described as a painful process, and with good reason.  Likewise reconciliation can be painful too.  There are times where repentance requires the guidance and counsel of a Bishop, and times where reconciliation requires the help of a professional marriage counselor.

In Part 2 I'll start to go over the steps of this process, and more importantly why those are the steps that need to be taken, and how to proceed with them.