Making The Holidays Merry For Your Marriage

Christmas is a wonderful time, but often it introduces stressful moments and new demands on us that can take a toll on our relationship with our spouse.  It doesn't have to be that way though, Christmas can (and should) be a time where your emotional, spiritual, and sexual bonds with each other are strengthened.  Christ came to this world to make it possible for you and your family to be together forever.  He wouldn't want the celebration of his birth to become an obstacle to having a wonderful relationship with your spouse.  Here are some suggestions to help Christmas become something that strengthens your marriage:

Do Christmas Things Together
There are lots of tasks that are specific to Christmas.  Putting up the tree and decorating it, putting up Christmas lights outside, shopping for gifts, baking, cooking Christmas dinner, etc. etc. etc.  While it is not practical to do all of those things as a couple, there are many that can be shared.  Shopping for gifts for the kids together can be a great date night activity.  Men, don't assume you can't help with Christmas dinner, ask what you can do to help.

Service
Often Christmas opens up opportunities to serve others, and this is something that can sometimes be done as a couple.  Also, going a little further out of our way to serve our spouse and express gratitude for them is very much in keeping with the spirit of Christmas and helps shed holiday stress

Keep The Spirit In Your Home 
Christmas can make it easier to keep the spirit in your home.  Music can be a powerful force to bring in the spirit, and Christmas overflows with music.  Play positive Christmas music softly in the background to create that Christmas feeling in the home and car.  Likewise, there are inspiring Christmas movies that also invite the spirit into your home.

Above all, do not let the business of Christmas keep you from having family prayer, prayer with your spouse, personal prayer, family home evening, and personal and family scripture study.  Be sure that the parts of the scriptures relevant to Christmas are read aloud at some point.

Family Traditions
For a newly married couple, each will have their own families traditions they grew up with, and over the years they will merge and augment those to form their own unique way of celebrating.  My father came from Scandinavia.  Our Christmas traditions were influenced by those of his homeland.  When my wife and I started having Christmas on our own rather than at her parent's or mine, we had to define what 'our' Christmas would be like.

Traditions are good when they remind us of important things and help bring us closer together.  If you don't have some Christmas traditions unique to your family, it is never too late to start one.  One we started for our family is that each year we get a new ornament for the tree that in some way refers to one or more important events from the past year.   We have a ornaments that commemorate the births of our children, the purchase of our first home, and other milestones.  This has made decorating the Christmas tree a trip down memory lane, a reminder of the blessings we have received over the years.

Make Time For Intimacy, And Make It Special
Absolutely do not let intimacy take a back seat to Christmas preparations, instead take the opportunity to make it something extra special.  Deliberately plan your days and evenings so that you will have time and energy for each other.  Make yourself a gift for your spouse, literally even!  There are a lot of Christmas themed things that can be done to spice things up.  You can even have intimate Christmas traditions that only the two of you know about.   You can send each other Christmas wish lists that are for their eyes only and set about making something from your spouse's list your gift to them.

Don't limit intimacy to the bedroom either, go for a romantic walk in the snow, make a snowman, see if you can still ice skate, go spend time together enjoying the beautiful sights, sounds, tastes and experiences that are only available this time of year.

That should be a good starting point for you to work with, the details will have to be up to the two of you. I count the opportunity to be together with my wife for eternity to be the greatest blessing God has given me, and I know that would not be possible had Christ had not come, so to me Christmas and my marriage are strongly linked to each other.

I hope you all have a VERY Merry Christmas.

How to grow your love for your spouse

I love Valentine's Day.  I know some people think it is a fake holiday invented by greeting card companies but I don't see it that way.  It is a ritual, and rituals are reminders that focus our attention on something we otherwise could take for granted and even forget over time.  I also see it as a challenge to step up my game and make sure my wife feels as deeply loved as possible.

I loved her the day we met and I loved her even  more deeply the day we got married.  I didn't think I could love anybody more than that, yet here I am over 25 years later, loving her more than ever before.  That is the magic of love.  Perhaps the explanation is that I've always loved her as much as I was able to love, and over time that capacity to love has increased allowing me to love her more.

I believe there are things we can do to increase our capacity to love our spouse (and others), and it doesn't matter if the relationship is already super or if there are some real challenges to work on.  There is always room for growth and we should make an effort of some kind to perfect our love for our spouse.  If we are not moving forward we are backsliding, so don't get too content.

But what do we do in order to love our spouse more?  Here are some ideas.

Love God more than you love your spouse.
If you love God more than your spouse, you will love your spouse more than if you put your spouse at the top of the list.  It sounds counter-intuitive but it is true.  In Gal 5:22 it says "the fruit of the Spirit is love" and from this we can know that love is a gift of the Spirit.  Those who rebel against God are described as having hearts that are hard (Moses 6:27) and the Spirit of the Lord will withdraw from those who harden their hearts (Hel 13:8).

When the Spirit of the Lord withdraws, the gift of love goes with it.  When we put God first and submit our heart to Him above all else we can be blessed with a greater measure of the Spirit of the Lord, and with that a greater capacity to love.  Or, as John said:

1John 5:1-2

Whosoever believeth that Jesus is the Christ is born of God: and every one that loveth him that begat loveth him also that is begotten of him.

By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments.

Increasing our love for God is the same as increasing out love for our spouse as well, so the suggestions below apply to both.

Service
You can not truly serve somebody from the heart without coming to feel greater love for them.  Faithful Bishops, Presidents, missionaries, teachers and more testify on their release (if not sooner) of the love they have for those they have served.  That love grew as a result of the service they gave.  The same is true in a marriage.  As you serve your spouse, your love for them will grow.

If you are not deliberately doing some kind of act of service for your spouse on a daily basis, start today.  It doesn't have to be anything big or elaborate or prepared in advance, but it does need to be a genuine act of service done with a willing heart.  If we do something grudgingly "it is counted unto him the same as if he had retained the gift" (Moroni 7:8).  If you are already serving them daily, can you do better?  Are you actively on the lookout for an opportunity to do something to make your spouse's life happier, more comfortable, more joyful?

Gratitude
Nobody wants to be taken for granted by their spouse, but it can be so easy to do just that.  If we are not attentive with a grateful heart we can overlook the little acts of service our spouse does for us, or come to just expect them as something they are supposed to do anyway.

No spouse is perfect, so if we go looking for what it is that our spouse is failing in, we will find something.  Chances are they are aware they could do better at that too, but if they are not recognized for what they are doing right, why bother working harder to do more things right?

Turn that habit around, notice the things your spouse is doing well and praise them for it.  If it is something you have come to expect from them realize there are spouses out there who do not do that.  Make a point of giving praise and gratitude both in private and in front of others when appropriate.  Perhaps use social media to express your thankfulness as well.  And always be as specific as possible when expressing gratitude or giving praise.  Pretend you are trying to convince your spouse, because some spouses need to be convinced

If a couple makes a point of doing those things, I'm confident that their love for each other will grow and flourish.  Even if there are troubles, having the Spirit of the Lord is present with service and gratitude creates an environment where healing and progress can happen.  Rather than go 'back to normal' now that Valentine's Day is over, start laying the foundation for a Valentine's Day next year where you can honestly say you are more in love with your spouse than ever before.

Sexuality and Spirituality

Something that is commonly said by marriage bloggers, counselors, and those who write books on marriage and sexuality for Christian audiences is that sex is a physical, emotional and spiritual need for men.  I have no problem seeing the truth of the first two, but it has always been hard for me to see sex as a spiritual need.

For the first 22 years of my life I didn't have any kind of sexual relationship with anybody, and it had no impact as far as I could tell on my testimony or my relationship with God or any aspect of my spirituality.  Also, after getting married our sexual relationship was not so good in the early years and is better than ever right now.  The ups and downs of my love life however do not seem linked the state of my spiritual life.

Sure, when things are good there is that much more to be grateful for, and being sexually satisfied within one's marriage can lessen the temptation to commit sexual sins and increases one's desire to qualify for the Celestial Kingdom where the relationship can continue for eternity.  But I see our relationship with God as being defined by our own individual behaviour.

An intimate relationship that is not mutually fulfilling may or may not be caused by something that also hampers that person's spirituality, and having a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship doesn't indicate anything about somebody's spirituality.  Certainly it is beneficial to have that part of a marriage going well, but it is not a requirement for being in tune with the Spirit.

What I have come to understand is that more than sex being a spiritual need, sex has a spiritual need.  In other words, both the husband and the wife need to have a deep commitment to keeping their passions, appetites and desires inside the boundaries set by the Lord so they can maintain a satisfying intimate life now and forever.  A loving Heavenly Father has given us standards and commandments to allow us the joy of sexual fulfillment safely.

Without a resolve to live by the standards of the gospel, the ecstasy of sexual pleasure can wear away at those boundaries over time.  A person or couple can begin to stray further and further out of the light seeking more and more forbidden fruit or exotic thrills.  Over time righteous sexuality can morph into rebellious hedonism.

Sexual pleasure is a powerful force for good in a marriage, but it can also turn destructive if handled carelessly, and nobody is immune from the danger. The Lord warned it can start small and end up with large consequences:

Doctrine and Covenants 42:23
And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit...

Doctrine and Covenants 63:16
And verily I say unto you, as I have said before, he that looketh on a woman to lust after her, or if any shall commit adultery in their hearts, they shall not have the Spirit, but shall deny the faith and shall fear.

A Case Study

This was all brought into focus for me though my participation in a sex and marriage online forum, and I think the story is instructive.  This forum is specifically for Mormon couples to talk with each other in seeking answers and sharing advice in the hope of achieving a mutually fulfilling sex life.  I joined it and began posting there seeing an obvious connection between their objectives and my own with this blog.

The big difference however is that the forum allows posters to promote, encourage, glorify and advocate for things that are contrary to the standards of the gospel.  You don't have to look hard to see posts and threads that promote masturbation for example.  Look some more and you'll find the same for removing temple garments so that immodest clothing can be worn on date night or for the thrill of sleeping nude together.  There is also tolerance for posters blaming the church or church leaders for failing to take care of things that in reality they are not responsible for, anti-Mormon accusation against Joseph Smith or the church over polygamy, watching porn as a couple to 'help' a marriage, and even promoting the swinging lifestyle and the adultery that goes along with it.  For that reason I'm not going to promote, link to, or even name the forum.

To be fair, there was a lot of good discussion as well, and the good far outweighed the bad with the possible exception of all the discussion on masturbation, but something very interesting happened when I began to point out the church's position on these things.  I was met with anger, LOTS of anger.  Did I insult people?  No.  Was I trolling for flames?  No.  I simply expressed clearly that the Church's position was that masturbation was wrong.  I supported it citing numerous official publications from the church including where President Spencer W. Kimball spoke on behalf of the Lord saying He did not approve of it in the October 1980 General Conference Report, and even referring to the fact that Handbook 1 (section 6.7.1) refers to it as something contrary to the standards of the Church alongside violating the Word of Wisdom and using porn.

In trying to justify their anger they complained about my being repetitious, yet I was only replying to the claims they had repeated over and over.  They also took offense that I would not take the clear direction of prophets, apostles and the church and downgrade it into a personal opinion of my own for their personal comfort.  Nephi said 'the guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center' (1Nep 16:2) and I think this was a classic example of that in some cases.  Some posters even decided or threatened to leave the board.

Those who were angry complained to the moderators who then gave me a warning in a private message sent near the start of December.  It said it was a 'final warning' and any further complaints would result in my being banned.  I do not recall receiving a previous warning like that from them but I'm not able to check that any longer.  I politely responded to them saying why I felt the accusations made were not warranted and giving examples to back up what I said.  Being open to correction however, I asked them to show me the post(s) that justified the warning to help me understand.  I received no reply at all.

A week ago the lead moderator bowed to the pressure put on him and banned me.  They announced it to the forum in a public area and said I was not banned for my views but for driving people away. I believe in their hearts they really think that, but I would say the truth of the matter is that anybody who expresses the same views as I did will be met with the same reaction no matter how they word it.  The guilty would again take offense and rise up demanding their removal unless they be quiet or censored.

They also said I caused 'serious harm' to another poster.  Hard to picture how that could happen.  And if that really is so, why can't they point out to me where it happened?  I was polite and factual (as I am here), even when others were rude and insulting.  It feels to me like my crime was being steadfast in upholding what the church said and unwilling to validate actions contrary to the teachings of the church. 

I emailed the moderators after being banned, speaking to their concerns and I asked them again to show me what post(s) of mine justified their action.  Again I got no answer from them.  I believe they are not able to find a post of mine that meets the standard for banning.  I think all they have are invalid complaints from people who wanted me silenced.  They are free to reply to my email to them anytime if they actually do have something more substantial than that.

Ironically, my banning is causing other posters to consider leaving the forum as well.  As one of them said, it is no longer an LDS forum.  I took this past week to ponder the whole thing rather than make some knee jerk reaction, and that is where it crystallized in my mind more than ever before that sex needs spirituality, not the other way around.  That forum has not committed itself to upholding the standards of the church, and so it has backslid into a place where people who have gone outside the boundaries set by the Lord will try to influence others to do things that are contrary to the gospel, and react with anger and hostility to anything or anyone that brings those boundaries into focus and show they really are the Lord's boundaries.
 
I'm sad things turned out this way.  There are very few resources out there for Mormons who want an LDS specific approach to sex and marriage that fully conforms to the standards of the church. That forum has the potential to become one.  If the moderators required that posts not conflict with the standards and commandments of the church, or attacked the church and it's leaders,  and enforced that, they would lose some posters right away but they would make it a place where 10,000 times as many Mormons would feel comfortable.

I'm grateful for the posters who objected to my banning, especially those who did not agree with me but recognized it was the wrong approach.  If my account was unbanned and the forum became a place that upheld the standards of the church I would be happy to return, but I don't expect that will happen. 

If any of you from that forum see this and want to say anything to me about what happened over there or ask a question about it, please do so by email (scroll to the bottom to see the address).