Making time for intimacy

Time is a precious commodity.  You can not buy it, you can not earn it, you can not sell it, and you can not bank it.  Everybody has the same amount of time every day and all you can do is exchange that time for something else.  You can trade time for money, entertainment, education, exercise or sleep, and you can trade that time for sexual and/or non-sexual intimacy with your spouse.

It's easy reach the end of the day where your remaining time must be traded for sleep without trading any significant amount of it for those things that will make your marriage stronger and more joyful.  If this happens too often then the relationship will suffer from neglect.  If you are finding it a challenge to give your marriage the time it needs, consider the following ways to try and change that:

Obligations, Urgencies and Priorities
Our relationship with our spouse should be a very high priority.  Ideally we would spend our time according to our priorities, but that isn't always the case.  We have obligations that demand specific blocks of our time even though they might not be as high a priority as our marriage.  Urgencies also override our priorities.

Ask yourself if you should reduce the obligations you have.  Sometimes when a couple starts to drift apart they can start to fill that void with other interests and activities only to have those things take up so much of their time that it prevents any healing and reconnecting in the relationship.  Are there obligations that you should let go of for the sake of having more time together as a couple?  Are you trading time for what is good instead of what is best?

If you find too much of your time is spend responding to urgencies, is there something you can do to prevent them?  Are there others who can step up to help?


Planning
Having a specific night each week set aside as date night is as important to a marriage as Family Home Evening is to a family.  Dates do not have to cost money, it just has to give you time together with minimal outside distractions.

That is not the limit of planning however.  There are lots of little things a spouse can do to show their love, but often nobody thinks to do them.  Rather than rely on inspiration to hit at the right time, we can make plans for doing those things.  Smartphones have alarms and calendar apps that we can use to help.  A husband can set a reminder to pick up some flowers for his wife on his way home on Monday and to mail her a card next Thursday, a wife can set a reminder make his favorite meal on Wednesday and to really spice things up in the bedroom next Saturday evening.  Both can pepper their calendars with reminders for many different displays of love through the month.

Also make a point of planning ahead for special occasions.  Birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, and Christmas should not be last minute afterthoughts.  Be aware of them and plan well in advance how you are going to use the occasion to make your spouse feel loved and appreciated.

Planning specific nights for sexual intimacy was something that really helped my marriage.   Leaving it unplanned, then raising the question right at the end of the day when we were both at our lowest energy point was not a good strategy for us.  When there are specific days where it is understood that sex will happen there can be anticipation and preparation, spouses can hold energy in reserve for what they know is coming and arrive at the bedroom mentally and emotionally primed.  Nor does sex have to happen in the evening.  It can happen right before supper, as soon as you get home from church, in the morning before leaving for work, anytime that works for both of you. Make the world wait for you for a change.

Be creative and flexible with your plans.  And just because you have sex planned on some nights doesn't mean you can't have spontaneous sex at other times. 


Multi-tasking
There are many ways we can combine non-sexual intimacy with everyday life.  Send a flirty or romantic text when on a break at work.  Go grocery shopping together.  Fold laundry together while watching a romantic movie or just use the time to talk with each other.  I love to sit in Sacrament meeting with my arm around her shoulder, her snuggling into me.  She knows if she leans forward she'll get a back scratch.  Be aware of the opportunities you have to include affectionate touch and loving words into each day.  This is the start of foreplay.


When we trade our time wisely, it becomes an investment.  While the return on that investment won't come in terms of more time, it will come in terms of better times.

Gift Ideas For A Stronger Marriage

The birth of Christ was a divine expression of God's love for us.  Christ gave up so much to come down here, and he did it for us, not for himself.  The gifts we give each other at Christmas should also be an expression of our love for those around us, and a well chosen gift for our spouse can not just express our feelings, but also serve to strengthen the relationship. Below are some gift ideas for things help to do that...


Coupon book
This is one that you can put together for pennies, but it may take some time.  There are ready made coupon books for couples, I would recommend making your own and using the Five Love Languages as a guide for creating both sexual and other coupons.  Some examples are:

Words of affirmation coupons good for things like a love letter or 5 minutes of sincere praise and gratitude.
Acts of Service coupons for specific chores or favors you are willing to do for your spouse that you normally don't do, and know they don't enjoy doing
Physical Touch coupons good for things like a 30 second kiss, a half hour of just cuddling, a shower together, making out in the car, a back rub, a foot massage, specific sexual acts, positions acting out specific fantasies
Quality Time coupons like letting them pick what you do for date night, or what movie you will watch, going for a walk, or reading a book together.

Just be sure that each coupon is for something you intend to joyfully provide, you are committing yourself to do those things.  Also, if there is something you would like to try with your spouse and have been hesitant to ask for, you can create a coupon around that as a way to gently invite them to do that with you.

Some Time At The Spa
Most local spas offer gift certificates that can be given as a gift. Some spas do couple's massages where the two of you can lay on massage tables side by side, holding hands as you each get a massage.  Saunas can be a nice place to make out too, but if you plan on doing anything like that be sure to check what kind of sauna they have first.  Some of them are so tiny there is no room to have fun.

A Short Story
If you ever wanted to try your hand at being a writer, you can write a short erotic story for your spouse staring the two of you.  You can start with a realistic situation, like the kids all take off to spend the weekend with their grandparents leaving the two of you alone, of more fantasy based.  Be daring and specific in terms of the plot and the language.  Fantasizing about being sexual with somebody you are actually allowed to be sexual with is not wrong.  If your wife likes romance novels she'll love this, and most every guy loves to see passion in his wife.  For extra kick, read it out loud to them when you are in bed together.

Tickets to a concert, play or sports event
Pick something they would love to see and get two tickets.  One of those tickets is for you, not a friend of your spouse.  Even if it is something they love and you can't stand, go, enjoy being with them and choose to have fun.  You may find your horizons broadened.

Lingerie
Guys, don't buy lingerie for your wife.  They know that it is really for you, and chances are what  you pick out won't work as well for them as what they would pick for themselves.  Even a gift card has that 'This present is for me you' feeling.

Ladies, YOU go buy some lingerie for yourself.  Pick out something that makes you feel sexy and remember that 'the more it teases the more it pleases'.  If you look like your are about 3 seconds away from being naked then you are on the right track.

Gift wrap it and give it to you husband to unwrap when the kids aren't around.  Enjoy the look on his face when he realizes what it is and have a good laugh, then put it to good use (and not just that one night either).

Another options is to go shopping for it together.  It's a great way to spend (the first part) of date night.

A Marriage Strengthening Book
This one can be a bit risky.  You don't want to pick a book that makes your spouse feel like they are being criticized or that you are out to 'fix' them.  Instead pick books that will help you do fun things together. There are a number of books out there on fun things couples can do for date night, or books/videos teaching you how to give a massage to each other.  I would encourage you to not order those books online, but go out to your bookstore where you can look through them for a bit first and make sure they are right for you.  With a how-to book on massage you can add in some massage oil and thick bathrobes and make a nice package out of it.

An Intimate Game
There are also a lot of games on the market for couples who want to combine the fun of game night with the fun of intimacy.  You do have to be careful however, the artwork on the box or game pieces may not be appropriate, and the game play may wind up making somebody feel on the spot about doing something they are not comfortable with.  Check the reviews for comments about that and also be sure the game can be customized to suit your tastes. Another option is to make your own game, or invent sexy rules to a game you already have.  Strip Uno?

Jewelry
Yes, this one can be expensive, but I'm not talking about buying some nice jewelry just because it is nice.  Find something that will be a symbol or reminder of something that connects the two of you, something meaningful.  For men it can be cuff-links, or a tie clip, or a ring

It isn't about what it costs, it is about what it means.  I gave my wife a pendant that was made mostly of wood, but it was wood that came from the tree where I asked if she would marry me.

These are just some initial suggestions, feel free to post any additional ideas in the comments below.  You might also want to write out a special Christmas Wish List just for your spouse's eyes only.

Whatever you do this Christmas for gifts, be sure to make your spouse feel loved.

Making The Holidays Merry For Your Marriage

Christmas is a wonderful time, but often it introduces stressful moments and new demands on us that can take a toll on our relationship with our spouse.  It doesn't have to be that way though, Christmas can (and should) be a time where your emotional, spiritual, and sexual bonds with each other are strengthened.  Christ came to this world to make it possible for you and your family to be together forever.  He wouldn't want the celebration of his birth to become an obstacle to having a wonderful relationship with your spouse.  Here are some suggestions to help Christmas become something that strengthens your marriage:

Do Christmas Things Together
There are lots of tasks that are specific to Christmas.  Putting up the tree and decorating it, putting up Christmas lights outside, shopping for gifts, baking, cooking Christmas dinner, etc. etc. etc.  While it is not practical to do all of those things as a couple, there are many that can be shared.  Shopping for gifts for the kids together can be a great date night activity.  Men, don't assume you can't help with Christmas dinner, ask what you can do to help.

Service
Often Christmas opens up opportunities to serve others, and this is something that can sometimes be done as a couple.  Also, going a little further out of our way to serve our spouse and express gratitude for them is very much in keeping with the spirit of Christmas and helps shed holiday stress

Keep The Spirit In Your Home 
Christmas can make it easier to keep the spirit in your home.  Music can be a powerful force to bring in the spirit, and Christmas overflows with music.  Play positive Christmas music softly in the background to create that Christmas feeling in the home and car.  Likewise, there are inspiring Christmas movies that also invite the spirit into your home.

Above all, do not let the business of Christmas keep you from having family prayer, prayer with your spouse, personal prayer, family home evening, and personal and family scripture study.  Be sure that the parts of the scriptures relevant to Christmas are read aloud at some point.

Family Traditions
For a newly married couple, each will have their own families traditions they grew up with, and over the years they will merge and augment those to form their own unique way of celebrating.  My father came from Scandinavia.  Our Christmas traditions were influenced by those of his homeland.  When my wife and I started having Christmas on our own rather than at her parent's or mine, we had to define what 'our' Christmas would be like.

Traditions are good when they remind us of important things and help bring us closer together.  If you don't have some Christmas traditions unique to your family, it is never too late to start one.  One we started for our family is that each year we get a new ornament for the tree that in some way refers to one or more important events from the past year.   We have a ornaments that commemorate the births of our children, the purchase of our first home, and other milestones.  This has made decorating the Christmas tree a trip down memory lane, a reminder of the blessings we have received over the years.

Make Time For Intimacy, And Make It Special
Absolutely do not let intimacy take a back seat to Christmas preparations, instead take the opportunity to make it something extra special.  Deliberately plan your days and evenings so that you will have time and energy for each other.  Make yourself a gift for your spouse, literally even!  There are a lot of Christmas themed things that can be done to spice things up.  You can even have intimate Christmas traditions that only the two of you know about.   You can send each other Christmas wish lists that are for their eyes only and set about making something from your spouse's list your gift to them.

Don't limit intimacy to the bedroom either, go for a romantic walk in the snow, make a snowman, see if you can still ice skate, go spend time together enjoying the beautiful sights, sounds, tastes and experiences that are only available this time of year.

That should be a good starting point for you to work with, the details will have to be up to the two of you. I count the opportunity to be together with my wife for eternity to be the greatest blessing God has given me, and I know that would not be possible had Christ had not come, so to me Christmas and my marriage are strongly linked to each other.

I hope you all have a VERY Merry Christmas.

A Woman's Guide To Talking Sexy

Just as most women want their husband to be able to open up and talk about his feelings, most husbands would love to hear their wife open up to them about her sexual thoughts, feelings, and desires.  And just as talking about feelings is often a learned skill for men, sexy talk is often something that a woman needs to work at developing.

Give Yourself Permission
The first step is to give yourself permission.  For many the biggest hurdle to overcome is the idea that a proper Mormon wife just wouldn't talk like that.  It isn't classy, it isn't lady-like, it's dirty.  This isn't about being a lady, this is about being a woman, his woman.  You are his wife, and your sexuality is not 'dirty' or shameful or low-class.  If talking sexily stretches you to the edge of your comfort zone, keep in mind that you are not just allowed, but commanded to be intimate with your husband, so why would it be wrong to think or speak with your husband about something you are allowed to actually do together? 

As his wife, it is perfectly OK for you to have sexual thoughts about your husband, to bask in the feeling of desire for him and linger on sexual fantasies staring the two of you.  It is also perfectly OK to talk with your husband erotically, sharing such thoughts and feelings with him and express in very detailed and clear terms what you like, want, and hope for.  You can and should express gratitude and appreciation for his sexual nature and for what sexual fulfillment he give you.

Be Honest and Sincere
Any intimate conversation should be about sharing how you really feel, not about saying whatever words will produce the reaction you want, true or not.  Don't be a tease who winds up her man saying things that don't reflect how she actually feels.  It's only fun until somebody gets hurt.

If you have trouble thinking and feeling that way about your husband, make the effort to work past that.  If there are unresolved conflicts or hurts that are getting in the way, focus on taking care of those first.  If you have not been able to give yourself permission to think and feel that way about him, work on that, even pray for it.

Get Comfortable With Sexy Words
You need to develop some comfort using erotic words and language.  Innuendo is great, but so is a clear, direct statement.  There are many proper and slang expressions that refer to male and female intimate body parts.  Those that are disrespectful or offensive to your spouse should not be used, but the rest are fair game if both you and your husband are comfortable with them.  Likewise there are other words and phrases that in one context would be cursing, but in another context are just accurate, emotional expressions.

If you have not done much of this before there can be a lot of discomfort saying something even when it is only slightly erotic, but practice builds confidence.  A letter, text or email may be an easier way to start, or memorize some specific things to say in advance and practice saying them in your head and out loud when nobody is around.  Another option may be to make a video or audio recording to send to your spouse, but be sure it will stay private.  When you feel ready, you can talk sexily to him face to face when alone together, or quietly whisper something in his ear when out in public, even at church.  It defiantly should be part of your foreplay, and afterglow.

Be Specific and Descriptive
Men's visual nature often leads them to picture in their mind the things they hear said, and sexy talk is largely about painting a mental picture for them.  The more specific and descriptive you can be, the clearer their picture will be and the greater effect it will have on them. Try to make reference to specific actions, feelings, settings, events, and body parts rather than 'safe' generic or general terms.

Make use of adjectives to bring detail to the items you are mentioning.  It helps clarify the picture and also helps your husband to see things as you see them.  He may be surprised to hear how he looks in your eyes.  Adjectives should be liberally used to describe anything you mention when talking sexily to your husband, the location, clothing, furniture, weather, whatever.  The clearer you make the picture the better

Likewise, adverbs clarify the action and turn the picture into a movie.  Rather than paint a picture, you can play out the best love scene ever inside their head featuring the two of you.

One thing to avoid is saying the same things the same way so often that they become vain repetitions in the ears of your husband.

Examples
Consider the following examples which express the same idea but with increasing levels of specifics and description:

I love it when you hug me
I really love long hugs with you.
I really love being held for a while in your arms.
My heart still skips a beat when you take me in your strong arms and hold me tight against you like you want to hold me forever.

Can you see how expanding the simple remarks makes it a more powerful expression of love and desire?  If that last one is too over the top for you, that's OK, just recognize the power behind being very clear.

Obviously I'm not going to give examples relating to acts far more intimate than a hug, but you can come up with those yourself.  If you ever did Mad Libs, you may find that kind of approach helpful (filling in the blanks yourself, not asking others to provide the missing words).  Try this one:

I <adverb> <verb> every time your <adjective>, <adjective> <noun> <plural verb> my <adjective> <noun>.

Don't worry about feeling awkward at the start.  Men are not big drama critics and are likely to be so thrilled to see your sexual confidence and desire that they won't have any complaints at all.  The small amount of time it takes to move forward on this will pay off quickly, and you may just find that it gets your motor running a bit too.

What's the word on oral sex?

This is a topic I approach knowing there is a risk of creating more heat than light.  Please keep in mind as you read this that my remarks here are my own personal understanding.  You are free to reject what I say here, and I actually hope nobody here blindly takes my word on anything I post but searches for confirmation from the highest authority.

Oral sex, both in the form of fellatio (ie: a woman orally pleasuring a man) or cunnilingus (a man orally pleasuring a woman), is nothing new.  Many Bible scholars say that Songs of Solomon 2:3 and 4:16 are alluding to oral sex, and although that book has a somewhat questionable status to us, it does at least suggest that ancient Jews and Christians were OK with the idea of oral sex.

Over the past several decades oral sex has become something talked about far more openly than in the past, and it is far more frequently referred to in popular media as a pleasurable act both men and women normally desire and even expect. It is not considered an uncommon act and I expect the percentage of married Mormons who have oral sex to be about the same as for married non-Mormons, at least among the younger generations of married couples.

There is no question that oral sex is a sexual act though, and any unmarried couple who engage in it are in violation of the law of chastity.  There is sometimes a question in the minds of some Latter-Day Saints however if this is also off limits for a married couple.

"The Letter"

In the entire history of the church, there has been one (and only one) time where oral sex has been referred to, and unfortunately that one reference was mistaken to be a doctrinal position of the church.  I believe that looking at what was said in context should lead to a different conclusion.

The document in question is a January 1982 letter from The First Presidency to all Stake, Mission, and District Presidents, plus Branch Presidents and Bishops.  The letter is two pages long and its purpose was to provide guidelines for leaders conducting worthiness interviews, not specifically to address any sexual questions.  I will not provide a link to the the letter since these days it can only be found on websites hostile toward the church, who use it to mock the church over the following part:

When interviewing married persons, the one doing the interviewing should scrupulously avoid indelicate inquiries which may be offensive to the sensibilities of those being interviewed.

Married persons should  understand that if in their marital relations they are guilty of unnatural, impure, or unholy practices, they should not enter the temple unless and until they repent and discontinue any such practice.  Husbands and wives who are aware of these requirements can determine by themselves their standing before the Lord.  All of this should be conveyed without having priesthood leaders  focus upon intimate matters which are a part of husband and wife relationships.  Skillful interviewing and counseling can occur without discussion of clinical details by placing firm responsibility on individual members of the Church to put their lives in order before exercising the privilege of entering a house of the Lord.  The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.  If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it.  (Letter from The First Presidency, Jan 5, 1982)

Unfortunately a lot of church leaders had a knee-jerk reaction that lead them asking couples what they were doing in the bedroom, and also counseling them that oral sex was a sin.  News of this reached The First Presidency and on October 15th there was another letter stating:

In conducting worthiness interviews you should follow carefully the instructions contained in our letter of January 5, 1982.  Also, you should never inquire into the personal, intimate matters involving marital relations between a man and his wife.   You should never deviate from or go beyond the specific questions contained in the temple recommend book.  If in the course of such interviews a member asks questions about the propriety of specific conduct, you should not pursue the matter but should merely suggest that if the member has enough anxiety about the propriety f the conduct to ask about it, the best course would be to discontinue it.  (Letter from The First Presidency, Oct 15, 1982)

What it means and what it doesn't

There is still the lingering belief among many that the church views oral sex as morally wrong because of these letters.  I would dispute that for the following reasons:

The first letter specifically states that their negative view on oral sex is their interpretation.  They do not claim it to be revelation, inspiration, church policy or anything other than their own interpretation.  Their interpretation is partly the product of their upbringing and cultural environment of their generation in that location. 

This was also something mentioned once in passing in a letter to certain leaders of the church and never taught to the body of the church.  Given that the church has no qualms over condemning masturbation, homosexual behaviour, fornication, immodest dress, and other socially accepted immoralities I would expect them to also be vocal about oral sex being immoral, if in fact we had some indication from God that it was.  Instead we have total silence on the question, and priesthood leaders being directed to not get into asking about it.  Even in Handbook 1 and 2 say nothing beyond what is in the second letter and I expect a great many of you reading this had never even heard of the first letter. 

Also, the first letter emphasizes that husbands and wives "can determine by themselves their standing before the Lord" and that the responsibility is on individual members.  In other words, couples are to determine between themselves and God where the boundaries should be in their relationship.  It doesn't make sense to give that instruction, then go contrary to it laying out a rule for all couples.  It does make sense however to see what they said on oral sex as an example of them following that counsel, and by so doing coming to that interpretation.  This is not a church however that is governed by the interpretations of men, and doctrine is not established by a one time opinion expressed in a letter that wasn't even to the church as a whole.  What they said deserves respectful consideration, but we are not obligated to adopt their interpretation.

So, I feel it is perfectly accurate to say that the members of The First Presidency back then held as their own view that oral sex was unnatural etc., but I do not consider it accurate at all to say that the position of the church was the same.  As far as I can tell, the church has no official position on oral sex now, and never has in the past either. 

A Definite Maybe

So, is oral sex an immoral act that every married couple should abstain from?  If you need an answer to that, you will need to seek it for yourself.  No such revelation has come to the church and I wouldn't expect it to.  If you personally feel this is something God doesn't want you to do, you need to go with that, but don't project on to God any personal inhibitions or feelings you may have about it.

Does that mean oral sex is perfectly OK for you and your spouse to do?  Perhaps, perhaps not.  It does mean however that you and your spouse should only go ahead with if you both are comfortable with doing it, and if you both feel that God is OK with you taking that path.  One couple may reach one conclusion, and another couple may reach another.  Not everything is one size fits all.

In my opinion (and I stress that this is my opinion), I do not feel it is inherently wrong within the boundaries of marriage.  God made more than one kind of tree, one kind of flower, one kind of fruit.  He gave us a world filled with variety, and likewise I don't think God requires us to limit ourselves to one form of intimacy.  For some elderly couples, people with disabilities or other conditions, oral sex may be the only form of intimacy they can enjoy.  Some women are only able to reach orgasm through oral stimulation. It fulfills the divine purpose intimacy has of bonding the husband and wife to each other.

But even without moral objections there may still be valid reasons for a couple to not include this act in their lives.  It is not unusual for somebody to be uncomfortable with the idea of oral sex for reasons that have nothing to do with morality and sin.  Hygienic concerns are common even though you expose yourself to more germs, bacteria etc. by kissing.  Body image or negative associations of oral sex with something undesirable can create inhibitions.  The idea may simply be a turn off, or it may be an act linked to past traumatic experiences they do not want to have re-triggered.

Pushing a spouse to participate in something sexual that they are not comfortable with, no matter what act it is, is abusive.  No intimate experience should pleasure one spouse at the expense of the emotional peace and well being of the other.  At the same time, choosing to overcome needless inhibition to become a better lover for your spouse is a very loving thing. 

It is also not a good thing to make one's happiness in their marriage dependent on a spouse's willingness to engage in oral sex.  Who you are intimate with is far, far more important than what form that intimacy takes, as long as there is intimacy.  A lack of oral sex may be a cause for a mild case of unsatisfied curiosity or longing, but it should never be a source of conflict in a marriage.  Don't let such a minor thing be a crack Satan can place his wedge in and hammer away at your marriage.

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth

I have to confess something.  My wife is the only woman that I've kissed in romantic way.

I didn't plan it to be like that.  I got my Patriarchal Blessing when I was 16 and it said that 'in time' I would meet a select daughter of God take her to the temple to be married.  I lived in a small town with a small branch, no LDS girls my age within 50 miles and I was not interested in dating a non-LDS girl.  The closest I got to having a girlfriend before then was the time I had a crush on a girl that couldn't stand me.  It sounded to me like finding my future wife was way off in the distance.  I figured I would serve a mission, come home and move to the city, and then go through a number of relationships, but thanks to some divine intervention I hit the jackpot about 10 months after that blessing.

Still, I did have to wait.  She wasn't old enough to take on a double date when we met, and we took things slow.  Partly out of heading the caution of our church leaders, partly because it was a long distance relationship.  Her family moved evern further away the next year, then the year after that I left on a mission.  It was about 4 and a half years after we met that we finally knelt at a temple alter.

We didn't rush into kissing, but we didn't wait until we were married either.  A kiss can be so many things.  It can be a quick, casual peck on the cheek, a formal greeting, platonic affection (Acts 20:37), gallantry, worshipful devotion (Luke 7:38) or a passionate event.  It can also be an act of betrayal as it was with Judas or with anybody who give their affections to another outside the of their current relationship.  It can create arousal or revulsion, excitement or offense.

In a dating relationship, kissing is a serious thing.  It is the most physically intimate act a dating couple can participate in without crossing the line and it indicates a level or commitment that elevates the relationship above others.

My wife and I did not let our kisses become passionate until after we were engaged, and even then we limited those kinds of kisses to the times when we were saying goodbye for the evening.  There were times it took a lot of effort to pull myself away from her lips and perhaps that was unwise to risk that much temptation, but thankfully neither of us gave in and did something we shouldn't have.

My wife said many years later that she was glad we did that because it comforted her to know that she was able to have those kinds of feelings for the man she was about to marry.  We both felt passion and desire, but we had it bridled.  The wedding picture I love best is the one where her arms are around my neck, my hands on her waist holding her close.  Her eyes are closed and her head tilted back, lips slightly parted, surrendering to the kiss we are just about to share.  At the wedding reception we were both more than happy to osculate when the guests clinked the glasses.  We may have clinked them ourselves once or twice to get them started.

A strange thing happened however shortly after our wedding.  The kissing stopped.  There were still the quick hello/goodbye kisses, but not he passionate kissing done just to enjoy the intimacy of  kissing, not making out.  Passionate kissing was the canary in the coal mine; it's ending signaled the onset of all the challenges in our intimate relationship that marked the early years of our marriage.

My wife knew that during the engagement, kissing would only be kissing, but now that we were married she expected kissing would be seen by me as foreplay.  If she was not in the mood to have sex (and that was most of the time back then) then kissing was off the table too.

In the later years, when things in the bedroom were good but not great, kissing was still on the back burner.   It wasn't until we set out to make our intimate life as wonderful as the rest of our marriage that we even really addressed it, and addressing it made a big difference.

I'm sure that James did not have kissing in mind when he said "the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!" (James 3:5) but there is still more than a little truth in taking it that way.  I don't think it is possible to reach the same level of passion in a marriage without kissing, as you can with it.

Not all kissing has to be foreplay though.  My wife and I always make a point sharing a meaningful kiss before we part or when we come back together.  Even when it's just her heading off to Relief Society and me heading off to Priesthood.  By meaningful I mean a tender and sweet kiss on the lips, done with deliberate affection.  Sometimes when we reunite after work the kiss is a little longer, or supplemented with a kiss on the neck or behind the ear while holding each other close. If one of us feels like giving the other a kiss, we share a kiss.  A small interruption to be reminded that you are loved is a nice thing.

How is the kissing going in your marriage?  When was the last time you gave your spouse a kiss that wasn't done just out of habit?   If you want to ramp things up, here are some ideas that might help:

Learn how you spouse wants to be kissed.  
Do they hate big sloppy kisses or do they not care, or even like that?  Does a kiss on the neck send shivers down their spine?  Talk with your spouse, find out what kinds of kisses they like and don't like, where they liked to be kissed on their body and even what locations or settings they want or don't want to be kissed in.  Something about being alone with my wife in an elevator makes me want to give her a nice long kiss. 

Develop good kissing skills
It's kind of up to your spouse what makes a kiss good, but it doesn't hurt to look around for ways to become a better kisser. There are a number of places online that go over kissing techniques, I'm not going to point you to any one in particular but if you Google 'How to kiss' you'll find a few places that will go over it.

Take your time
Practice makes perfect.  Setting aside time for kissing is a wonderful thing and it gives you both the chance to explore and communicate about what works and what doesn't.  Take a drive some evening out to some private spot and make out like teenagers.  Also take your time with the kiss itself, inside and outside the bedroom.  Make each kiss an intentional intimacy.  Now and then have a 15 second kiss when you both get home from work, or perhaps a 30 second kiss.

Be ready
The best thing to do is to brush your teeth regularly, and include brushing the surface of the tongue and roof of the mouth as well.  Carry breath mints if you need to.  Keeping the lips kiss ready is good too.  I carry a ChapStick with me all the time and use it a fair bit.

Don't attach strings to it
I mentioned before how my wife used to avoid kissing when she wasn't in the mood for sex.  She expected that one would have to include the other.   It's OK however to have kissing without an obligation to have sex as well.

If you are going to do that, it must be mutually understood and agreed to at the start.  If my wife indicates that sex is off the table but she is willing to engage in some kissing, we have a wonderful intimate time and I do not try and pressure her or seduce her into going further than she said she was willing to go.  This has been a real blessing in our marriage at those times when her health has temporarily put limits on what she can do.

Don't be ashamed of it
Go ahead, kiss in public, kiss in front of the kids, show up at your spouse's workplace and give them a kiss there, kiss at church, kiss in the Celestial Room of the temple.  Keep it appropriate for the setting, and be sensitive about any inhibitions you spouse may have not yet overcome, but never be afraid to express your love for each other with a loving kiss.

Kissing and kisses have been made the subject of many songs for a reason.  Little girls dream of getting a true love's kiss before they have any concept of sexual love and one kiss can sear itself into a person's memory for life.  It may seem like a small thing, but a renewal of kissing in your marriage could result in many other good things for the both of you.

The spice of married life...

A husband and wife's sexual life has a number of dimensions.  The frequency of sexual intimacy is one dimension that gets a lot of attention, and it is easy to make the mistake of thinking that if the frequency is too low to meet the needs of both partners, that is the only thing to work on.  Likewise if frequency is not an issue, other aspects of the relationship might get overlooked.

One such potential blind spot is variety.  As with the sex drive, the need for variety in a couple's intimate life is real, and can vary a great deal person to person.  Some people can be perfectly happy to have sex the same way over and over in a predictable but satisfying manner.  Others can hunger for a menu of options to combine creating range of pleasurable experiences.  It can even turn out that the spouse with the lower sex drive has the higher need for variety.

This need for variety by itself is not a bad thing, in fact I would say God built that into us the same as he built into us a desire for sexual fulfillment.  God did not create one kind of flower, one kind of tree, one kind of bird, and one kind of dog.  He did not give us one kind of food or one kind of weather either.  He created a world overflowing with variety and said:

Doctrine and Covenants 59:18

Yea, all things which come of the earth, in the season thereof, are made for the benefit and the use of man, both to please the eye and to gladden the heart;

Satan of course can twist anything to his purposes, and so he uses the desire for variety as a means of pulling people into the trap of pornography.  This excelent TED Talk video goes into detail on that and I recommend everybody watch it, even if pornography is not an issue in your marriage:



What the video doesn't cover is that this drive for variety can be harnessed for good within a marriage.  Certainly a variety of partners is off the table, but there are many areas where variety can be introduced

Positions
The most obvious place to start is with a variety of positions.  You don't have to be a double jointed acrobat to develop a list of a few different positions that work for you.  The three most common are missionary (man on top), cowgirl (woman on top) and 'doggie style' (woman hands and knees with the man entering from behind her).  From there you can branch out and try things like CAT, reverse cowgirl, having sex while standing up.  Not every new position you try will be workable for your body types, but half the fun is in trying.  Don't make a big deal out of it when something you try isn't right for the two of you, just have a laugh and learn from the experience.

Type of sex
Vaginal intercourse is not the only option.  Giving each other oral sex or manual sex opens up the possibility of greater sexual intimacy at times when vaginal sex is not desirable or possible, and each spouse can provide that for the other.  'Outercourse'  is another option, or phone sex if the two of you are at a distance from each other. 

Dress
Both lingerie and sexy costumes add excitement and variety.  Wearing lingerie sends a message that you desire your spouse, and you hunger for sexual intimacy with them.  Costumes allow for playing out sexual fantasies with alternate reality versions of the two of you.  This harnesses the imagination to expand the realm of variety beyond the limits of reality.  It can even help overcome needless inhibitions. Role playing like that can be done without costumes too, but it does add something to it when you can dress the part.

Location
While making love is a private act, it doesn't have to be limited to the master bedroom.  One anniversary we sent all the kids out to have sleepovers at their friend's homes.  For that weekend our home was our hotel suite and we enjoyed having the privacy of the bedroom extended to the entire house.  You can also get a real hotel room for just a night or for a weekend, find a secluded place to park after the sun goes down, take a blanket with you to a private beach,  or hike to your own Garden of Eden where either in the moonlight or the full light of day the two of you can become one.

There are a variety of ways to express affection (love notes, touches, public displays of affection, gifts...) or flirt (sexual touches, sexting, erotic desires whispered in their ear, 'bedroom eyes' from across the room...), and a number of different intimate activities ( taking intimate photos, massage, showering together...).  There is no such thing as an exhaustive list.

With just a little effort and forethought, even a couple that has been married a long time can find something new to try, or do something they haven't done in a long time.  Building up a good menu of intimate options will let variety become the spice of your marriage, and you'll love the flavor.

Adding another side to Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day is typically a rather one sided holiday where men are expected to pursue and woo the lady they love with flower's chocolates, cards, gifts, romantic dates etc. etc. etc.

That of course should not be the only day of the year that a husband gives his wife some special attention, but it is one that we men should make a point of observing.  Brushing it off as a 'Hallmark Holiday' isn't going to leave your wife feeling loved and appreciated.

I tend to look at Valentines Day as a challenge go the extra mile in expressing my affection and commitment to my wife.  I try to come up with something that surprises and delights her, and usually I succeed to at least some degree. There was that one year where things didn't go right at all and all I did was annoy her and it inadvertently led to a small act of arson that caused her some inconvenience, but mishaps aside, I love rising to the occasion.

The one-sided nature of Valentine's Day has prompted the (slightly tongue in cheek) creation of a male version: 'Steak and Blow Job Day'.  Promoters tout it as the day for women to give their man the two things they want.  It is observed every March 14th (one month after Valentine's Day), but don't expect Hallmark to carry any cards for it just yet.  Besides, men don't want cards, right?

Well, no actually, sometimes it is nice.  Whoever came up with the idea for that day was right that most husbands would find dining on a fine steak and some sexual intimacy with his wife a fine night indeed, but the shallow stereotype of that being the only thing a man wants or needs is something I find just a touch insulting too.

For a married couple Valentine's Day should be just as much 'I'm Yours' as it is 'Be Mine'.  And that goes for both spouses.  Affection needs to be a two way street, both sexual and non-sexual affection, and while each person has a dominant 'Love Language', that isn't an excuse to avoid all the others. 

Valentine's is a much better day if it is not so one sided.  Men, make the effort to delight your spouse, even if she says it isn't a big deal to her, make it a big deal.  Ladies, give at least as good as you get.  If your husband has trouble opening up emotionally and acting in romantic ways, perhaps your setting an example will help him learn how and also help him feel safe trying. 

And for my darling wife, remember next month that I like my steak blue.  Rare is a tad overdone.

What do you REALLY want for Christmas?

I love combining my intimate life with holidays, and Christmas is the pinnacle of all holidays.  Christmas is also about giving, which should be a hallmark of our intimate lives too, so it seems a natural pairing to me.

The last few years I've made a Christmas Wish list that is for my wife's eyes only.  If you don't ask, they may not know you want it.  It's been wonderful to actually be given things off that list too.

I encourage you to make a sexy wish list for your spouse, and ask for them to make one for you.  If you don't have a list from your spouse, here are some ideas on what to give them, or what to put on your own list.

A Love Letter
When was the last time you wrote your spouse a love letter?  If you can't think of it, it has been too long.  Grab some paper and a pen and pour your heart out to them.

You can make it romantic and tell them what you appreciate about them, what they mean to you, praise them, express your love for them, really open your heart.   Or you can make it passionate and  tell them what your fantasies are, what things you most enjoy doing together in private, remind them of great times in the past, tell them how being intimate with them makes you feel and how eager you are for it. Or you can do both in the same letter.

Handwritten is probably better but not required.  It costs next to nothing, just some time, paper, pen, and the willingness to open yourself up and show your feelings.  If you want, you can go to a card shop and write the letter inside a touching, risque or funny holiday card.

An Erotic Short Story
Instead of a letter, you can write a short story for them staring the the two of you.  It's a great way to let your spouse into your head so they can see your fantasy through your eyes.  There are no limits to the setting or situation.  It can be passionate and erotic or light and funny.  You can even just be yourselves in your own lives living out your desires.

Do something new
If there is something you know your spouse would love you to do in the bedroom but you haven't had the nerve to go for it, perhaps make it a Christmas gift.  Push aside your inhibitions for one night and give it a shot.  You can be their Christmas miracle. Or take something you already do up to the next level.

A key turning point in our marriage came one Christmas when my wife decided that her gift to me would be that she would make love with me every day for a week.  This was at a time when she was just starting to enjoy sex after years of not allowing herself to.  Three times a week was a bit of a stretch for her but she decided to do this as a gift she knew I would love and as an experiment to see if she could, and if she could enjoy it.  That week turned the spark of her sexual awakening into a flame that is still spreading. 

Make love by the Christmas tree
It may be hard to arrange things so you have sufficient privacy from your kids or house guests, but it will be worth it.  There is something wonderfully magical about a room where the only lights are from the Christmas tree.  You could even do yourself up as a present and let them unwrap you, just a little paper and ribbon in the right places and gift tag saying you are for them.

Intimate wear
Lingerie, silk boxers, short bathrobes, sexy consumes, fishnet stockings, or just a gift card so they can pick something like that out themselves (although it is fun to shop for it together).

Coupon Book
There are places online you can buy books of intimate coupons, but I think it is better to make it yourself.

You could have coupons for showering together, making out, 60 second kisses, long hugs, special positions, taking intimate photos, oral sex, 30 minutes of caressing with no sex, even being their sex slave for the evening.  You can be as wild or tame as you are comfortable with. 

A 'Couples Only' Game
There are a number of games on the market intended for loving couples to combine both intimacy and fun.  Some are board games, some are card games, some are for playing on your smartphone as a way of keeping in touch while apart. I'm not going to make any recommendations, but it may be good to pick a game that can be customized.

You can also create your own game.  Just add some new rules to a game you already enjoy.  Uno, Monopoly, Scrabble, Settlers of Catan, be creative.  You can also create a game from scratch. It doesn't have to be complicated.

Make the Bedroom a nicer place to be naughty
Nice bed sheets, romantic lighting, mood music or just spend some time decluttering and organizing things in the bedroom.  The nicer the room, the easier it is to relax and enjoy each other there, and the less distractions there are.

Daring accessories
If you are both up for it, handcuffs, blindfolds, soft braided rope and other aids for the adventurous. Don't do this unless you know they are OK with using those things.  You don't want this to backfire on you.

A Weekend Away at a Hotel
A weekend away from everything, with most of it being just the two of you and a Do Not Disturb sign on the door is something that should happen at least once a year if at all possible. Usually we start it off by going to the temple, and after that it's just us.  Sometimes we've just gone out exploring places we've never been and had some wonderful romantic times.
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Even if you don't do any of the above, do make sure that you and your spouse use the holiday season to strengthen the bond between you.  Be each others best gift.

Tricks and Treats

You all know what tomorrow is right?  It is the day to start getting all kinds of costumes really cheap.  I'm not talking about costumes for the kids to wear on Halloween, I'm talking about costumes for you.  Things you can use to spice things up in the bedroom by adding a little fantasy role playing.  Certainly a nice way to end this holiday, but it works just as well any night of the year.

A sense of fun and playfulness in your sex life is a wonderful thing to have.  Laughing together is as much a bonding moment as any hug if not more, and going the extra mile to make yourself visually appealing to your spouse tells them that they are important to you, as well as perhaps allowing them the chance to find the fulfillment of some of their fantasies in your arms.

And trust me ladies, we men fantasize.  We are not just stirred by things actually seen, but also by the mental pictures we create.  We look at our wives and picture her in a French maid outfit, or as a cheerleader, a princess, and more.  Nothing wrong with that when it is your spouse you are fantasizing about.  And guys, don't think she hasn't pictured you as her cowboy, fireman, knight in shining armor, or something like that. 

It actually takes a higher level of intimacy to put on a sexy costume for your spouse than to strip naked.  You can fully undress your body and keep your heart walled up tight, but to put on a costume and do a little fantasy role playing requires a level of emotional nakedness.  You have to shed your adult mask at least partially and allow yourself the emotional freedom and vulnerability of a child. 

It is also a way of showing your spouse that their sexual fulfillment is important to you, and that you are comfortable with seeing yourself as a sexual being.  Naturally if seeing yourself that way is a challenge for you, or if you have good reason to fear that emotional vulnerability will lead to a painful rejection, it may be something for you to work towards in your relationship.  It doesn't have to be a surprise to your spouse, go ahead and ask them what kind of sexy costume they would like to see you in, what fantasies they would like to role play with you in the bedroom.  You can also work up to it slowly.  Instead of a full blown costume, a masquerade mask can add a lot of allure all by itself.

 I know some people have concerns about role playing out fantasies that include what in reality would be violations of the law of chastity.  I think there is a big difference between acting something out for fun and preparing to do something for real.  As kids we play all kind of make believe, but we don't worry that playing cowboy's and Indians will make a kid grow up to commit murder, or that playing cops and robbers will lead somebody to life of crime, or playing house will cause teen pregnancy.  Rational adults can play act their fantasies within the bounds of their marriage and the result should be a stronger bond between them as they each strive to meet their spouses needs.

So take advantage of the sales to add some tricks to your repertoire, then give your spouse a treat.