Is having sex a need or a want?

I've blogged previously about the importance of the sexual relationship in marriage, but I steered away from using the word 'need' in that post.  Today I'm going to address that.

'Need' is a very strong word, and it is also a very over used word in our society.  People say they need a big TV, or a better car or some other thing when really it is not a need.  It may improve their quality of life to have it, it may ease some burden or concern to have it, but it is not a need. 

When discussing if something is a need or not, there has to be a context linking it to a specific result.  You need a certain amount of vitamin C in your diet to avoid getting scurvy, but that candy bar at the grocery store checkout is not something you need to live (in fact you might need to avoid it to prolong your life).  Medicine can be something you need to live, or to reduce pain, or to cure something minor.

The difference between what a person sees as a need or a want lies in the priority they give to the outcome they expect from it, and how many alternatives they have for achieving that same result.  A huge TV is not a need when it is only intended for recreational purposes, especially if you can either make do with the smaller set you have or entertain yourself in some other way. There is no big negative consequence to doing without so it should be seen as a want.  But if that TV is required for use as a presentation tool that your business must use to be competitive then it can be a need.

So is sex a need to have a happy and lasing marriage?  The answer is not as simple as yes or no.

When you were dating did you ever ask somebody to dance with you, or invite them out on a date and been turned down flat?  Have you ever got the 'can we just be friends' speech from somebody that you thought loved you as much as you loved them?  Did you get a Dear John letter on your mission?  I think all of us has at some point felt the painful sting of being rejected by somebody we had feelings for.  It wasn't fun, was it.

How healthy would a marriage be if it was common for one spouse to make the other feel that way time after time, week after week, year after year?  Could a marriage filled with rejection be the source of joy and happiness that God intends it to be? Of course not.

Have you ever had a friend that was constantly imposing on your life, inconsiderate of your feelings and expecting you to cater to them without taking into account how their demands impacted your life?  A marriage that has that in it isn't doing as well as it should either.

Not every person gets the same thing out of having sex, and the same person doesn't get the same thing out of it each time either.  Having sex can give a person a great deal of pleasure, emotionally bond them to their partner, heal the little hurts that a couple unintentionally inflict on each other, renew the commitment to the relationship, create a new life, and provide a number of health benefits as well.  But under other circumstances it has the potential to cause physical pain, leave a person feeling used, ashamed or guilty, or create resentment, anger and hostility.  A spouse who's desire is met with 'duty sex' can feel as hurt after as if they were rejected.

There are biological, emotional and even spiritual forces that combine to create a sex drive in each person.  It is stronger in some and weaker in others.  Sometimes it is repressed or ignored, but it is there and there is a need to have sex to satisfy those urges.   However, getting sex may not achieve everything somebody wants or expects since it is a mutual activity.  What having sex will acomplish will depend on what each of you bring to the encounter.  Rather then focus on merely having sex (which leads somebody to only look inward to their own desires) the objective needs to be having a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship.

Sister Linda S Reeves, second counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency said in the last General Conference: 

One reason we are here on earth is to learn to manage the passions and feelings of our mortal bodies. These God-given feelings help us want to marry and have children. The intimate marriage relationship between a man and a woman that brings children into mortality is also meant to be a beautiful, loving experience that binds together two devoted hearts, unites both spirit and body, and brings a fulness of joy and happiness as we learn to put each other first. 

In a mutually satisfying sexual relationship each spouse willingly does their best to fulfill their partner's sexual needs, putting each other first.  This is not just a matter of how often the couple has sex, but how fulfilling those encounters are individually and collectively.  It may involve shedding negative attitudes about sex, overcoming inhibitions, trying new things, changing their priorities and deliberately planning  their life to allow for the time and energy needed to engage sexually with their spouse.  It also includes being patient, charitable, understanding, even forgiving during those times when their spouse is unable to meet their needs.

For some couples, a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship would mean frequent sexual intimacy they both enjoy, with neither spouse feeling deprived or feeling used.  Some couples may face long term obstacles such as disability, problems from advanced age, emotional trauma, mental illness, past sexual abuse, or chronic medical conditions which can all reduce the frequency of sexual intimacy to something less than ideal for one or both partners (or even prevent all physical intimacy), but they can still have a strong marriage if they each know that their companion is doing the best that they can for them under the circumstances.  Likewise with short term obstacles such as fatigue, absence, or being sick which every marriage will face time to time.

A lack of sexual fulfillment results in feeling rejected, neglected, taken for granted, unappreciated, and unloved.  These are poisonous to a marriage and over time such feelings can cancel out every non-sexual expression of love and affection.  It doesn't mean much to hear 'I love you' in the kitchen when they brush off their spouse's needs in the bedroom.

As President Spencer W. Kimball said:

If you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are one, two, three, four reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in the court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason.... (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p.312)

It is not getting or having sex as often as you want that is important.  It is both of you giving and sharing joyful sexual intimacies with each other to get as close to mutual sexual fulfillment as possible.

Do you know what your spouse needs from you to feel sexually fulfilled?  Are you meeting their needs as best you can?  Are there ways you could change that would enable you to meet their needs even better?  Have you told your spouse what you need from them to feel fulfilled?  If not take some time to work on that.  You might also want to read Moving towards sexual fulfillment  Part 1 and Part 2

The spice of married life...

A husband and wife's sexual life has a number of dimensions.  The frequency of sexual intimacy is one dimension that gets a lot of attention, and it is easy to make the mistake of thinking that if the frequency is too low to meet the needs of both partners, that is the only thing to work on.  Likewise if frequency is not an issue, other aspects of the relationship might get overlooked.

One such potential blind spot is variety.  As with the sex drive, the need for variety in a couple's intimate life is real, and can vary a great deal person to person.  Some people can be perfectly happy to have sex the same way over and over in a predictable but satisfying manner.  Others can hunger for a menu of options to combine creating range of pleasurable experiences.  It can even turn out that the spouse with the lower sex drive has the higher need for variety.

This need for variety by itself is not a bad thing, in fact I would say God built that into us the same as he built into us a desire for sexual fulfillment.  God did not create one kind of flower, one kind of tree, one kind of bird, and one kind of dog.  He did not give us one kind of food or one kind of weather either.  He created a world overflowing with variety and said:

Doctrine and Covenants 59:18

Yea, all things which come of the earth, in the season thereof, are made for the benefit and the use of man, both to please the eye and to gladden the heart;

Satan of course can twist anything to his purposes, and so he uses the desire for variety as a means of pulling people into the trap of pornography.  This excelent TED Talk video goes into detail on that and I recommend everybody watch it, even if pornography is not an issue in your marriage:



What the video doesn't cover is that this drive for variety can be harnessed for good within a marriage.  Certainly a variety of partners is off the table, but there are many areas where variety can be introduced

Positions
The most obvious place to start is with a variety of positions.  You don't have to be a double jointed acrobat to develop a list of a few different positions that work for you.  The three most common are missionary (man on top), cowgirl (woman on top) and 'doggie style' (woman hands and knees with the man entering from behind her).  From there you can branch out and try things like CAT, reverse cowgirl, having sex while standing up.  Not every new position you try will be workable for your body types, but half the fun is in trying.  Don't make a big deal out of it when something you try isn't right for the two of you, just have a laugh and learn from the experience.

Type of sex
Vaginal intercourse is not the only option.  Giving each other oral sex or manual sex opens up the possibility of greater sexual intimacy at times when vaginal sex is not desirable or possible, and each spouse can provide that for the other.  'Outercourse'  is another option, or phone sex if the two of you are at a distance from each other. 

Dress
Both lingerie and sexy costumes add excitement and variety.  Wearing lingerie sends a message that you desire your spouse, and you hunger for sexual intimacy with them.  Costumes allow for playing out sexual fantasies with alternate reality versions of the two of you.  This harnesses the imagination to expand the realm of variety beyond the limits of reality.  It can even help overcome needless inhibitions. Role playing like that can be done without costumes too, but it does add something to it when you can dress the part.

Location
While making love is a private act, it doesn't have to be limited to the master bedroom.  One anniversary we sent all the kids out to have sleepovers at their friend's homes.  For that weekend our home was our hotel suite and we enjoyed having the privacy of the bedroom extended to the entire house.  You can also get a real hotel room for just a night or for a weekend, find a secluded place to park after the sun goes down, take a blanket with you to a private beach,  or hike to your own Garden of Eden where either in the moonlight or the full light of day the two of you can become one.

There are a variety of ways to express affection (love notes, touches, public displays of affection, gifts...) or flirt (sexual touches, sexting, erotic desires whispered in their ear, 'bedroom eyes' from across the room...), and a number of different intimate activities ( taking intimate photos, massage, showering together...).  There is no such thing as an exhaustive list.

With just a little effort and forethought, even a couple that has been married a long time can find something new to try, or do something they haven't done in a long time.  Building up a good menu of intimate options will let variety become the spice of your marriage, and you'll love the flavor.

Adding another side to Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day is typically a rather one sided holiday where men are expected to pursue and woo the lady they love with flower's chocolates, cards, gifts, romantic dates etc. etc. etc.

That of course should not be the only day of the year that a husband gives his wife some special attention, but it is one that we men should make a point of observing.  Brushing it off as a 'Hallmark Holiday' isn't going to leave your wife feeling loved and appreciated.

I tend to look at Valentines Day as a challenge go the extra mile in expressing my affection and commitment to my wife.  I try to come up with something that surprises and delights her, and usually I succeed to at least some degree. There was that one year where things didn't go right at all and all I did was annoy her and it inadvertently led to a small act of arson that caused her some inconvenience, but mishaps aside, I love rising to the occasion.

The one-sided nature of Valentine's Day has prompted the (slightly tongue in cheek) creation of a male version: 'Steak and Blow Job Day'.  Promoters tout it as the day for women to give their man the two things they want.  It is observed every March 14th (one month after Valentine's Day), but don't expect Hallmark to carry any cards for it just yet.  Besides, men don't want cards, right?

Well, no actually, sometimes it is nice.  Whoever came up with the idea for that day was right that most husbands would find dining on a fine steak and some sexual intimacy with his wife a fine night indeed, but the shallow stereotype of that being the only thing a man wants or needs is something I find just a touch insulting too.

For a married couple Valentine's Day should be just as much 'I'm Yours' as it is 'Be Mine'.  And that goes for both spouses.  Affection needs to be a two way street, both sexual and non-sexual affection, and while each person has a dominant 'Love Language', that isn't an excuse to avoid all the others. 

Valentine's is a much better day if it is not so one sided.  Men, make the effort to delight your spouse, even if she says it isn't a big deal to her, make it a big deal.  Ladies, give at least as good as you get.  If your husband has trouble opening up emotionally and acting in romantic ways, perhaps your setting an example will help him learn how and also help him feel safe trying. 

And for my darling wife, remember next month that I like my steak blue.  Rare is a tad overdone.

When you just don't feel like it

Friday night is usually date night for my wife and I.  Usually we don't have sex at the end of the evening.  We'll cuddle and everything else, but not go so far as starting foreplay or having intercourse.  We find it better to save that for Saturday morning when we are both well rested.  I'm also pretty much at my sexual peak in the morning, and we avoid any outside commitments before noon so we have lots of time.  It is an ideal time for us to have sex and we take full advantage of it. 

Sometimes we have to modify our plans though.  Recently our ward had a temple trip for the Relief Society.  I volunteered to go as well to help with some sealings, so having sex Saturday morning was pretty much out of the question given the early hour we would have to get up to make it there in time.  Saturday's temple trip was 'date night', and Friday night was to take the place of our Saturday morning, except it didn't work out that way.

My wife is working on finishing her degree, and she had a large assignment due on the upcoming Wednesday that she had not yet started.  We could have gone for it, even if just a quickie, then she could spend the rest of her evening working on her assignment, but she felt anxious about not having started it, so she wanted to work on it first, then text me that she was ready for a sex break.  By 11:30pm I kind of figured that she wasn't going to be texting me, and so I headed to bed more than a little downcast over the lack of follow through from her.  She was still busy, and apologized for disappointing me.

Now sometimes we guys want to be intimate with our wife for the pure physical pleasure of it, and when that is how we feel and we are denied, it is annoying and frustrating.  There are other times we guys have a very, very deep, need for the kind of emotional connection with our wife that only comes from sexual intimacy.  In those cases, when we are denied it HURTS.  It hurts so bad we can quickly come to question if our wife really loves us much after all, if we are anywhere close to being as important to her as she is to us, and from there things can go even further downhill pretty fast.

That night I went to bed hurting.  My dreams that night were not pleasant, my mood that morning not the best.  Going to the temple helped a lot of course, and when we got back we soon had the 'Do Not Disturb' sign hanging on our bedroom doorknob.  All is well that ends well.

In thinking back over it though, it seems that this is something that happens now and then between us.  Sexual intimacy gets temporarily moved down the priority list for what seems like a decent reason, or an opportunity is put off to a later time with every intention of keeping that commitment, only to have it fall apart.  It dawned on me that perhaps it was not a coincidence that this seems to happen at the worst possible times emotionally.

We often hear it said that if we don't feel like praying, we should pray until that feeling goes away.  The scriptures teach that "the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray" (2Nephi 32:8).  What if the same principle applies to sex?  What if Satan (perhaps with some awareness of our emotional state), is quietly prompting one spouse to delay intimacy, and even helping make sure that the alternate plan fails as well?

That time you just don't feel like doing it, or want to push it down the priority list when really you don't have to, could be the critical moment that your spouse needs you more than ever to be there for them sexually.

I'll take my share of blame for what happened that weekend too.  I did not communicate to my wife how deeply I needed her.  I could have reached out to her at any time that night and let her know that I needed her to put all that homework aside for me for a short time, but I didn't.  And it was on purpose that I didn't.

Right from the start I felt a bit hurt, like I was coming in second place next to her homework, and I wanted her to soothe that by keeping her word without any reminder from me.  I wasn't so much testing her as I was giving her a chance to prove herself.  In hindsight, it wasn't fair of me to expect that from her and at the same time not tell her of my need.  Perhaps that was also inspired by the same source that moved her to delay things.

Either way, the final choice is up to us individually and we are accountable.  We can't blame Satan when things go wrong, but if we are aware of his tactics (and our own bad habits), we are better equipped to avoid the pitfalls.

Marriage Resolutions

New Year's for me is more than just celebrating a change in the calendar.  It's a time I look back and evaluate the past year and make preparations and plans for the future.  I don't exactly make resolutions but I do make a point of picking one or two things I will focus on improving.  Long lists of resolutions with specific targets is (for me) trying to take on too much at once and then nothing much happens with any of them.

The two biggest priorities in life (in order) are your relationship with God and your relationship with your spouse.  Those should also be the first areas to evaluate and work on.  Our relationship with God is relativly simple to manage.  Repent of your sins, pray, read the scriptures, worship God in your heart and also by attending church.  You can count on God to do his part perfectly in that relationship.

Our relationship with our spouse is often a far more complex thing, since both you and your spouse are imperfect people, each with your own set of needs, beliefs, expectations, weaknesses, inhibitions, fears and prejudices.  We can all probably make long lists of things that our spouse could do to make our marriage better, but we need to focus on ourselves.

What are you going to do to make your marriage better this year?  What change can you make that will strengthen your emotional connection, improve your mutual sexual fulfillment, reduce conflict, and increase both of your happiness?  Consider making a commitment to improve in one of these areas:

Forgiveness
You can't achieve real emotional intimacy in a marriage without also having real emotional vulnerability.  That also opens the door for some deep hurts to happen, either through carelessness or personal weakness. Chances are nobody in life will hurt you as deeply as your spouse does at some point, and forgiveness is a must for any lasting marriage.

If there is some hurt you are still holding against your spouse, resolve to get rid of it.  It is a choice to let go of anger and any desire to get them back or make them pay for what they did.  Sometimes that can be hard to do, especially if they do not show a repentant spirit about it.  Remember that Christ already paid for what they did, and his atonement was not just so we can be forgiven of sins, but also so that our hearts can be healed from the pain caused by sin.

Repentance
The other side of the coin from what I said above is that at some point you have probably hurt your spouse more deeply than any other person they know.  While forgiveness is something that should be freely given, forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.  To reconcile a relationship harmed by wrongdoing requires the offender to follow the steps of repentance.

Are you aware of how you have hurt your spouse, do you recognize that what you did was wrong?  Does your regret match the magnitude of the hurt you caused?  Is  your spouse aware of your regret and have you made a full confession to them and asked for their forgiveness?  What have you done to make restitution for it or to heal the hurt you caused?

Service
Little acts of service can mean a lot.  Something as simple as bringing them a cold drink when working out in the yard or garden, or going the extra mile for their comfort, pleasure or convenience.  You can only do this by taking your eyes off yourself and focusing on your spouse so you can anticipate their wants and needs and act on that before they can, or before they ask.

Personal Improvement
How can you change to improve your marriage?  Can you get better at speaking your spouse's Love Language?  Is there something you could change to provide greater sexual fulfillment for your spouse, like overcoming an inhibition, or adding more variety and fun into that area of your relationship?  Is there selfishness, pride or other personality traits that keeps your marriage from being all it could be?  Are there things you could do to improve your health or spirituality?

Gratitude
Stop and think of all the things your spouse has done and is doing for you. Have you expressed your gratitude to them for any of that so they feel appreciated?  Gratitude can be expressed in a variety of ways: verbally, written, by an act of service, or even in sexual ways.

Wouldn't it be great to look back a year from now and see that your marriage has become even better?  The path to that starts today with a decision from you on what you will focus on improving.  Make a decision, and make it real by posting below what you intend to work on for 2014.

Have a happy New Year's and all the best for 2014.

What do you REALLY want for Christmas?

I love combining my intimate life with holidays, and Christmas is the pinnacle of all holidays.  Christmas is also about giving, which should be a hallmark of our intimate lives too, so it seems a natural pairing to me.

The last few years I've made a Christmas Wish list that is for my wife's eyes only.  If you don't ask, they may not know you want it.  It's been wonderful to actually be given things off that list too.

I encourage you to make a sexy wish list for your spouse, and ask for them to make one for you.  If you don't have a list from your spouse, here are some ideas on what to give them, or what to put on your own list.

A Love Letter
When was the last time you wrote your spouse a love letter?  If you can't think of it, it has been too long.  Grab some paper and a pen and pour your heart out to them.

You can make it romantic and tell them what you appreciate about them, what they mean to you, praise them, express your love for them, really open your heart.   Or you can make it passionate and  tell them what your fantasies are, what things you most enjoy doing together in private, remind them of great times in the past, tell them how being intimate with them makes you feel and how eager you are for it. Or you can do both in the same letter.

Handwritten is probably better but not required.  It costs next to nothing, just some time, paper, pen, and the willingness to open yourself up and show your feelings.  If you want, you can go to a card shop and write the letter inside a touching, risque or funny holiday card.

An Erotic Short Story
Instead of a letter, you can write a short story for them staring the the two of you.  It's a great way to let your spouse into your head so they can see your fantasy through your eyes.  There are no limits to the setting or situation.  It can be passionate and erotic or light and funny.  You can even just be yourselves in your own lives living out your desires.

Do something new
If there is something you know your spouse would love you to do in the bedroom but you haven't had the nerve to go for it, perhaps make it a Christmas gift.  Push aside your inhibitions for one night and give it a shot.  You can be their Christmas miracle. Or take something you already do up to the next level.

A key turning point in our marriage came one Christmas when my wife decided that her gift to me would be that she would make love with me every day for a week.  This was at a time when she was just starting to enjoy sex after years of not allowing herself to.  Three times a week was a bit of a stretch for her but she decided to do this as a gift she knew I would love and as an experiment to see if she could, and if she could enjoy it.  That week turned the spark of her sexual awakening into a flame that is still spreading. 

Make love by the Christmas tree
It may be hard to arrange things so you have sufficient privacy from your kids or house guests, but it will be worth it.  There is something wonderfully magical about a room where the only lights are from the Christmas tree.  You could even do yourself up as a present and let them unwrap you, just a little paper and ribbon in the right places and gift tag saying you are for them.

Intimate wear
Lingerie, silk boxers, short bathrobes, sexy consumes, fishnet stockings, or just a gift card so they can pick something like that out themselves (although it is fun to shop for it together).

Coupon Book
There are places online you can buy books of intimate coupons, but I think it is better to make it yourself.

You could have coupons for showering together, making out, 60 second kisses, long hugs, special positions, taking intimate photos, oral sex, 30 minutes of caressing with no sex, even being their sex slave for the evening.  You can be as wild or tame as you are comfortable with. 

A 'Couples Only' Game
There are a number of games on the market intended for loving couples to combine both intimacy and fun.  Some are board games, some are card games, some are for playing on your smartphone as a way of keeping in touch while apart. I'm not going to make any recommendations, but it may be good to pick a game that can be customized.

You can also create your own game.  Just add some new rules to a game you already enjoy.  Uno, Monopoly, Scrabble, Settlers of Catan, be creative.  You can also create a game from scratch. It doesn't have to be complicated.

Make the Bedroom a nicer place to be naughty
Nice bed sheets, romantic lighting, mood music or just spend some time decluttering and organizing things in the bedroom.  The nicer the room, the easier it is to relax and enjoy each other there, and the less distractions there are.

Daring accessories
If you are both up for it, handcuffs, blindfolds, soft braided rope and other aids for the adventurous. Don't do this unless you know they are OK with using those things.  You don't want this to backfire on you.

A Weekend Away at a Hotel
A weekend away from everything, with most of it being just the two of you and a Do Not Disturb sign on the door is something that should happen at least once a year if at all possible. Usually we start it off by going to the temple, and after that it's just us.  Sometimes we've just gone out exploring places we've never been and had some wonderful romantic times.
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Even if you don't do any of the above, do make sure that you and your spouse use the holiday season to strengthen the bond between you.  Be each others best gift.

Two things women need to know about foreplay.

Women are usually considered the experts on foreplay, and seeing as each woman is in a position to  know her body better than anyone else, we men should look to our wives to be our guides and teachers in this area.  All the same, there are some things a woman may need to be told herself. 

It's for more than just getting aroused.
There is a mistaken idea that foreplay is just a warm up for intercourse, and intercourse is where the real pleasure (and orgasms) are found.  Hollywood movies promote this myth nearly every chance they get.  In many cases a woman's sexual pleasure comes more from foreplay than from intercourse and it is estimated that 70% of women can't achieve orgasm from intercourse alone yet nearly all can from sufficient foreplay.  The primary source of female pleasure comes from clitoral stimulation, and most of the time intercourse does little to provide enough action there to bring a woman to climax.

If a woman feels shame over her sexuality, has a case of the 'good girl syndrome', or finds sex unpleasant or painful in some other way, she may move the love making from foreplay to intercourse as soon as she is aroused to speed things up, making it much less likely that she will have an orgasm.  After a while her frustration may lead her to be critical of her spouse, or conclude that there is something 'broken' about her sexual response, when the truth is she is working against herself.  Trying to get it over quickly doesn't 'get it over'.  Likewise if the husband sees her arousal as the only objective of foreplay he may unintentionally deprive her of the pleasure she should receive from him.

Instead, prolong foreplay past the point of arousal.  The wife should give the husband the direction and feedback he needs to make it effective, and encourage him to keep providing the stimulation she enjoys until she is as fully satisfied as possible.  Find what new levels of pleasure can be reached through foreplay and count it as a great success if she climaxes before intercourse takes place.  In some cases an orgasm during foreplay opens the possibility of an orgasm during intercourse as well, or at least a greater level of pleasure.

Men need foreplay too.
It's common to assume that men do not require any foreplay.  They are ready to go at a moment's notice and don't want anything to delay getting to 'the good stuff'. 

Not all men fit that stereotype, especially once they hit middle age.  Once past 40 testosterone levels usually start to fall and it is not uncommon for them to start needing their wife to participate in foreplay for the sake of his arousal rather than only recieveing his attention.

Men need foreplay even when that is not the case though.  While they may not need any foreplay at all to get fully aroused, they do need it to feel wanted, desired, appreciated and loved by their spouse.  They want affirmation that their wife has sexual feeling for him, that she enjoys making love with him, and that she is giving herself to him with enthusiasm. 

A wife will have to learn about her husbands foreplay  needs the same as he needs to learn hers.  There must be open communication and even experimentation.  It may be seeing his wife in lingerie, hearing her express her intimate thoughts to him, kissing, touching, dancing for him or other things.  Investing the time and effort in making sure that foreplay meets both her needs for physical stimulation and his needs for emotional stimulation will have a huge return in terms of your bond with each other.