When you just don't feel like it

Friday night is usually date night for my wife and I.  Usually we don't have sex at the end of the evening.  We'll cuddle and everything else, but not go so far as starting foreplay or having intercourse.  We find it better to save that for Saturday morning when we are both well rested.  I'm also pretty much at my sexual peak in the morning, and we avoid any outside commitments before noon so we have lots of time.  It is an ideal time for us to have sex and we take full advantage of it. 

Sometimes we have to modify our plans though.  Recently our ward had a temple trip for the Relief Society.  I volunteered to go as well to help with some sealings, so having sex Saturday morning was pretty much out of the question given the early hour we would have to get up to make it there in time.  Saturday's temple trip was 'date night', and Friday night was to take the place of our Saturday morning, except it didn't work out that way.

My wife is working on finishing her degree, and she had a large assignment due on the upcoming Wednesday that she had not yet started.  We could have gone for it, even if just a quickie, then she could spend the rest of her evening working on her assignment, but she felt anxious about not having started it, so she wanted to work on it first, then text me that she was ready for a sex break.  By 11:30pm I kind of figured that she wasn't going to be texting me, and so I headed to bed more than a little downcast over the lack of follow through from her.  She was still busy, and apologized for disappointing me.

Now sometimes we guys want to be intimate with our wife for the pure physical pleasure of it, and when that is how we feel and we are denied, it is annoying and frustrating.  There are other times we guys have a very, very deep, need for the kind of emotional connection with our wife that only comes from sexual intimacy.  In those cases, when we are denied it HURTS.  It hurts so bad we can quickly come to question if our wife really loves us much after all, if we are anywhere close to being as important to her as she is to us, and from there things can go even further downhill pretty fast.

That night I went to bed hurting.  My dreams that night were not pleasant, my mood that morning not the best.  Going to the temple helped a lot of course, and when we got back we soon had the 'Do Not Disturb' sign hanging on our bedroom doorknob.  All is well that ends well.

In thinking back over it though, it seems that this is something that happens now and then between us.  Sexual intimacy gets temporarily moved down the priority list for what seems like a decent reason, or an opportunity is put off to a later time with every intention of keeping that commitment, only to have it fall apart.  It dawned on me that perhaps it was not a coincidence that this seems to happen at the worst possible times emotionally.

We often hear it said that if we don't feel like praying, we should pray until that feeling goes away.  The scriptures teach that "the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray" (2Nephi 32:8).  What if the same principle applies to sex?  What if Satan (perhaps with some awareness of our emotional state), is quietly prompting one spouse to delay intimacy, and even helping make sure that the alternate plan fails as well?

That time you just don't feel like doing it, or want to push it down the priority list when really you don't have to, could be the critical moment that your spouse needs you more than ever to be there for them sexually.

I'll take my share of blame for what happened that weekend too.  I did not communicate to my wife how deeply I needed her.  I could have reached out to her at any time that night and let her know that I needed her to put all that homework aside for me for a short time, but I didn't.  And it was on purpose that I didn't.

Right from the start I felt a bit hurt, like I was coming in second place next to her homework, and I wanted her to soothe that by keeping her word without any reminder from me.  I wasn't so much testing her as I was giving her a chance to prove herself.  In hindsight, it wasn't fair of me to expect that from her and at the same time not tell her of my need.  Perhaps that was also inspired by the same source that moved her to delay things.

Either way, the final choice is up to us individually and we are accountable.  We can't blame Satan when things go wrong, but if we are aware of his tactics (and our own bad habits), we are better equipped to avoid the pitfalls.

Marriage Resolutions

New Year's for me is more than just celebrating a change in the calendar.  It's a time I look back and evaluate the past year and make preparations and plans for the future.  I don't exactly make resolutions but I do make a point of picking one or two things I will focus on improving.  Long lists of resolutions with specific targets is (for me) trying to take on too much at once and then nothing much happens with any of them.

The two biggest priorities in life (in order) are your relationship with God and your relationship with your spouse.  Those should also be the first areas to evaluate and work on.  Our relationship with God is relativly simple to manage.  Repent of your sins, pray, read the scriptures, worship God in your heart and also by attending church.  You can count on God to do his part perfectly in that relationship.

Our relationship with our spouse is often a far more complex thing, since both you and your spouse are imperfect people, each with your own set of needs, beliefs, expectations, weaknesses, inhibitions, fears and prejudices.  We can all probably make long lists of things that our spouse could do to make our marriage better, but we need to focus on ourselves.

What are you going to do to make your marriage better this year?  What change can you make that will strengthen your emotional connection, improve your mutual sexual fulfillment, reduce conflict, and increase both of your happiness?  Consider making a commitment to improve in one of these areas:

Forgiveness
You can't achieve real emotional intimacy in a marriage without also having real emotional vulnerability.  That also opens the door for some deep hurts to happen, either through carelessness or personal weakness. Chances are nobody in life will hurt you as deeply as your spouse does at some point, and forgiveness is a must for any lasting marriage.

If there is some hurt you are still holding against your spouse, resolve to get rid of it.  It is a choice to let go of anger and any desire to get them back or make them pay for what they did.  Sometimes that can be hard to do, especially if they do not show a repentant spirit about it.  Remember that Christ already paid for what they did, and his atonement was not just so we can be forgiven of sins, but also so that our hearts can be healed from the pain caused by sin.

Repentance
The other side of the coin from what I said above is that at some point you have probably hurt your spouse more deeply than any other person they know.  While forgiveness is something that should be freely given, forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.  To reconcile a relationship harmed by wrongdoing requires the offender to follow the steps of repentance.

Are you aware of how you have hurt your spouse, do you recognize that what you did was wrong?  Does your regret match the magnitude of the hurt you caused?  Is  your spouse aware of your regret and have you made a full confession to them and asked for their forgiveness?  What have you done to make restitution for it or to heal the hurt you caused?

Service
Little acts of service can mean a lot.  Something as simple as bringing them a cold drink when working out in the yard or garden, or going the extra mile for their comfort, pleasure or convenience.  You can only do this by taking your eyes off yourself and focusing on your spouse so you can anticipate their wants and needs and act on that before they can, or before they ask.

Personal Improvement
How can you change to improve your marriage?  Can you get better at speaking your spouse's Love Language?  Is there something you could change to provide greater sexual fulfillment for your spouse, like overcoming an inhibition, or adding more variety and fun into that area of your relationship?  Is there selfishness, pride or other personality traits that keeps your marriage from being all it could be?  Are there things you could do to improve your health or spirituality?

Gratitude
Stop and think of all the things your spouse has done and is doing for you. Have you expressed your gratitude to them for any of that so they feel appreciated?  Gratitude can be expressed in a variety of ways: verbally, written, by an act of service, or even in sexual ways.

Wouldn't it be great to look back a year from now and see that your marriage has become even better?  The path to that starts today with a decision from you on what you will focus on improving.  Make a decision, and make it real by posting below what you intend to work on for 2014.

Have a happy New Year's and all the best for 2014.

What do you REALLY want for Christmas?

I love combining my intimate life with holidays, and Christmas is the pinnacle of all holidays.  Christmas is also about giving, which should be a hallmark of our intimate lives too, so it seems a natural pairing to me.

The last few years I've made a Christmas Wish list that is for my wife's eyes only.  If you don't ask, they may not know you want it.  It's been wonderful to actually be given things off that list too.

I encourage you to make a sexy wish list for your spouse, and ask for them to make one for you.  If you don't have a list from your spouse, here are some ideas on what to give them, or what to put on your own list.

A Love Letter
When was the last time you wrote your spouse a love letter?  If you can't think of it, it has been too long.  Grab some paper and a pen and pour your heart out to them.

You can make it romantic and tell them what you appreciate about them, what they mean to you, praise them, express your love for them, really open your heart.   Or you can make it passionate and  tell them what your fantasies are, what things you most enjoy doing together in private, remind them of great times in the past, tell them how being intimate with them makes you feel and how eager you are for it. Or you can do both in the same letter.

Handwritten is probably better but not required.  It costs next to nothing, just some time, paper, pen, and the willingness to open yourself up and show your feelings.  If you want, you can go to a card shop and write the letter inside a touching, risque or funny holiday card.

An Erotic Short Story
Instead of a letter, you can write a short story for them staring the the two of you.  It's a great way to let your spouse into your head so they can see your fantasy through your eyes.  There are no limits to the setting or situation.  It can be passionate and erotic or light and funny.  You can even just be yourselves in your own lives living out your desires.

Do something new
If there is something you know your spouse would love you to do in the bedroom but you haven't had the nerve to go for it, perhaps make it a Christmas gift.  Push aside your inhibitions for one night and give it a shot.  You can be their Christmas miracle. Or take something you already do up to the next level.

A key turning point in our marriage came one Christmas when my wife decided that her gift to me would be that she would make love with me every day for a week.  This was at a time when she was just starting to enjoy sex after years of not allowing herself to.  Three times a week was a bit of a stretch for her but she decided to do this as a gift she knew I would love and as an experiment to see if she could, and if she could enjoy it.  That week turned the spark of her sexual awakening into a flame that is still spreading. 

Make love by the Christmas tree
It may be hard to arrange things so you have sufficient privacy from your kids or house guests, but it will be worth it.  There is something wonderfully magical about a room where the only lights are from the Christmas tree.  You could even do yourself up as a present and let them unwrap you, just a little paper and ribbon in the right places and gift tag saying you are for them.

Intimate wear
Lingerie, silk boxers, short bathrobes, sexy consumes, fishnet stockings, or just a gift card so they can pick something like that out themselves (although it is fun to shop for it together).

Coupon Book
There are places online you can buy books of intimate coupons, but I think it is better to make it yourself.

You could have coupons for showering together, making out, 60 second kisses, long hugs, special positions, taking intimate photos, oral sex, 30 minutes of caressing with no sex, even being their sex slave for the evening.  You can be as wild or tame as you are comfortable with. 

A 'Couples Only' Game
There are a number of games on the market intended for loving couples to combine both intimacy and fun.  Some are board games, some are card games, some are for playing on your smartphone as a way of keeping in touch while apart. I'm not going to make any recommendations, but it may be good to pick a game that can be customized.

You can also create your own game.  Just add some new rules to a game you already enjoy.  Uno, Monopoly, Scrabble, Settlers of Catan, be creative.  You can also create a game from scratch. It doesn't have to be complicated.

Make the Bedroom a nicer place to be naughty
Nice bed sheets, romantic lighting, mood music or just spend some time decluttering and organizing things in the bedroom.  The nicer the room, the easier it is to relax and enjoy each other there, and the less distractions there are.

Daring accessories
If you are both up for it, handcuffs, blindfolds, soft braided rope and other aids for the adventurous. Don't do this unless you know they are OK with using those things.  You don't want this to backfire on you.

A Weekend Away at a Hotel
A weekend away from everything, with most of it being just the two of you and a Do Not Disturb sign on the door is something that should happen at least once a year if at all possible. Usually we start it off by going to the temple, and after that it's just us.  Sometimes we've just gone out exploring places we've never been and had some wonderful romantic times.
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Even if you don't do any of the above, do make sure that you and your spouse use the holiday season to strengthen the bond between you.  Be each others best gift.

Two things women need to know about foreplay.

Women are usually considered the experts on foreplay, and seeing as each woman is in a position to  know her body better than anyone else, we men should look to our wives to be our guides and teachers in this area.  All the same, there are some things a woman may need to be told herself. 

It's for more than just getting aroused.
There is a mistaken idea that foreplay is just a warm up for intercourse, and intercourse is where the real pleasure (and orgasms) are found.  Hollywood movies promote this myth nearly every chance they get.  In many cases a woman's sexual pleasure comes more from foreplay than from intercourse and it is estimated that 70% of women can't achieve orgasm from intercourse alone yet nearly all can from sufficient foreplay.  The primary source of female pleasure comes from clitoral stimulation, and most of the time intercourse does little to provide enough action there to bring a woman to climax.

If a woman feels shame over her sexuality, has a case of the 'good girl syndrome', or finds sex unpleasant or painful in some other way, she may move the love making from foreplay to intercourse as soon as she is aroused to speed things up, making it much less likely that she will have an orgasm.  After a while her frustration may lead her to be critical of her spouse, or conclude that there is something 'broken' about her sexual response, when the truth is she is working against herself.  Trying to get it over quickly doesn't 'get it over'.  Likewise if the husband sees her arousal as the only objective of foreplay he may unintentionally deprive her of the pleasure she should receive from him.

Instead, prolong foreplay past the point of arousal.  The wife should give the husband the direction and feedback he needs to make it effective, and encourage him to keep providing the stimulation she enjoys until she is as fully satisfied as possible.  Find what new levels of pleasure can be reached through foreplay and count it as a great success if she climaxes before intercourse takes place.  In some cases an orgasm during foreplay opens the possibility of an orgasm during intercourse as well, or at least a greater level of pleasure.

Men need foreplay too.
It's common to assume that men do not require any foreplay.  They are ready to go at a moment's notice and don't want anything to delay getting to 'the good stuff'. 

Not all men fit that stereotype, especially once they hit middle age.  Once past 40 testosterone levels usually start to fall and it is not uncommon for them to start needing their wife to participate in foreplay for the sake of his arousal rather than only recieveing his attention.

Men need foreplay even when that is not the case though.  While they may not need any foreplay at all to get fully aroused, they do need it to feel wanted, desired, appreciated and loved by their spouse.  They want affirmation that their wife has sexual feeling for him, that she enjoys making love with him, and that she is giving herself to him with enthusiasm. 

A wife will have to learn about her husbands foreplay  needs the same as he needs to learn hers.  There must be open communication and even experimentation.  It may be seeing his wife in lingerie, hearing her express her intimate thoughts to him, kissing, touching, dancing for him or other things.  Investing the time and effort in making sure that foreplay meets both her needs for physical stimulation and his needs for emotional stimulation will have a huge return in terms of your bond with each other.

Tricks and Treats

You all know what tomorrow is right?  It is the day to start getting all kinds of costumes really cheap.  I'm not talking about costumes for the kids to wear on Halloween, I'm talking about costumes for you.  Things you can use to spice things up in the bedroom by adding a little fantasy role playing.  Certainly a nice way to end this holiday, but it works just as well any night of the year.

A sense of fun and playfulness in your sex life is a wonderful thing to have.  Laughing together is as much a bonding moment as any hug if not more, and going the extra mile to make yourself visually appealing to your spouse tells them that they are important to you, as well as perhaps allowing them the chance to find the fulfillment of some of their fantasies in your arms.

And trust me ladies, we men fantasize.  We are not just stirred by things actually seen, but also by the mental pictures we create.  We look at our wives and picture her in a French maid outfit, or as a cheerleader, a princess, and more.  Nothing wrong with that when it is your spouse you are fantasizing about.  And guys, don't think she hasn't pictured you as her cowboy, fireman, knight in shining armor, or something like that. 

It actually takes a higher level of intimacy to put on a sexy costume for your spouse than to strip naked.  You can fully undress your body and keep your heart walled up tight, but to put on a costume and do a little fantasy role playing requires a level of emotional nakedness.  You have to shed your adult mask at least partially and allow yourself the emotional freedom and vulnerability of a child. 

It is also a way of showing your spouse that their sexual fulfillment is important to you, and that you are comfortable with seeing yourself as a sexual being.  Naturally if seeing yourself that way is a challenge for you, or if you have good reason to fear that emotional vulnerability will lead to a painful rejection, it may be something for you to work towards in your relationship.  It doesn't have to be a surprise to your spouse, go ahead and ask them what kind of sexy costume they would like to see you in, what fantasies they would like to role play with you in the bedroom.  You can also work up to it slowly.  Instead of a full blown costume, a masquerade mask can add a lot of allure all by itself.

 I know some people have concerns about role playing out fantasies that include what in reality would be violations of the law of chastity.  I think there is a big difference between acting something out for fun and preparing to do something for real.  As kids we play all kind of make believe, but we don't worry that playing cowboy's and Indians will make a kid grow up to commit murder, or that playing cops and robbers will lead somebody to life of crime, or playing house will cause teen pregnancy.  Rational adults can play act their fantasies within the bounds of their marriage and the result should be a stronger bond between them as they each strive to meet their spouses needs.

So take advantage of the sales to add some tricks to your repertoire, then give your spouse a treat.

Let us oft speak kind words...

What was the last thing your spouse said to you before you started reading this?  Can you remember it?  What was the last thing you said to your spouse?

For most couples, husbands and wives spend some time apart from each other most every day.  There is work, church meetings, going off to buy groceries and taking care of other chores. One thing I try to always remember is to never part from my wife without an expression of love.  Even at 5:50am as I quietly exit the bedroom to drive my daughter to seminary I softly whisper an 'I love you' to to her.  She might hear it, it might just sink into her dream in some way, or go totally unnoticed, but I say it.  If she is awake when I'm going somewhere I'll be sure to give her a kiss on my way out.

Part of it is just having an excuse to hold her in my arms for a bit and indulge in some osculation which is always a pleasure, but another part of it is that I want to be on her mind a bit when I'm not around.  I want her to always remember that I love her, that she means the world to me and it is easier to part from her is I share an intimate moment with her first.  Not to be morbid or overly dramatic, but should something happen to make it our last parting in mortality, I want her last memory of me (or mine of her) to be something loving.

Affection should not be saved for parting however.  Compliments, appreciation, affection, praise, and admiration should not be given out sparingly or grudgingly.  If you have only been saying 'I love you' to your spouse in response to them saying it first, then perhaps it is time to step up and show them that you think things like that without having to be prompted first. 

The more specific a compliment is, the more powerful it is.  I knew somebody who would frequently say 'You're the greatest!' to people he worked with, but it was so general and so over used that it came to mean very little to those he said it too.  If you are going to pay a compliment or give praise then name a specific quality of theirs, cite a specific thing they did or accomplished.

Even if you have to think long and hard to come up with an honest compliment for your spouse (and they must be honest) it is well worth the effort to do so.  The power of a kind word at the right time can be miraculous.  James said:

James 3: 4-5

Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things.

James was giving warning to the Saints of the strife that can result from poisonous words, but the principle works the other way around also.  The tongue has as much power to heal as it does to destroy.  Or in other words:

Let us oft speak kind words to each other

At home or where'er we may be;

Like the warblings of birds on the heather,

The tones will be welcome and free.

They'll gladden the heart that's repining,

Give courage and hope from above,

And where the dark clouds hide the shining,

Let in the bright sunlight of love. 

Oh, the kind words we give shall in memory live

And sunshine forever impart.

Let us oft speak kind words to each other;

Kind words are sweet tones of the heart.

       -- Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words, Hymn 232

Have you given your spouse a compliment today?  Have you told them you love them?  Have you praised anything about them or anything they've done lately?  If not, perhaps it is time to stop reading and go do it.  If you have, why not go do it again right now? 

Facing the need to change.

One of the things I love about my relationship with my wife is that she welcomes it when I follow my manly impulses.  It doesn't matter if it is a discrete but daring display of physical affection when out in public, a risque text message, wanting to hold the remote control, letting my inner 10 year old out to play, cooking up a pot of super spicy chili, or whatever.  She is fine with me being me and enjoys it when I express my feelings for her in my own way.  She is my partner in all parts of my life, joining me in watching mindless action movies, target shooting (actually I think I was joining her for that) or even going to ComicCon (in cosplay even).  She doesn't try to retrain me, change my interests, mould how I express myself or otherwise reshape me into something I'm not for her comfort.  She will reign me in if I start to go too far but that's a good thing too.

Likewise I don't quash her unique character.  When her fearless optimism sweeps her into starting projects I would never dare to dream of, she knows I won't be one of the obstacles she will face.  I'll watch chick flicks or even play board games with her.  We have expanded each other's horizons many times.  I would have never seen Casablanca were it not for her.

The one area where this did not go so smoothly was in the bedroom.  When we got serious about creating a mutually satisfying marriage we ran head first into the fact that how we act as a lover stems from our sexual identity, and changing our behavior and attitudes about intimacy can't happen without changing something basic about ourselves.  It took a lot more than tagging along to a movie you wouldn't normally choose to watch.

It doesn't work very well if you passively sit back and cheer on your spouse in their pursuit of a better marriage with you, it's your relationship too.  If you don't share a common vision of what your marriage should look like,  what changes would improve it, or if one of you is unwilling to work towards that vision, then that may be the first thing to work on changing.

Sometimes when we are trying to change our marriages for the better it can wind up with one spouse feeling like they are being rejected or not loved for who they are.  It is important to be clear that there is no emotional blackmail going on and your love is not conditional on getting your own way.  The objective is to create a closer bond and stronger attachment that will bring greater happiness to you both, not gratification of your own desires at the expense of your partner's feelings.


Often the 'you want to change who I am' accusation is followed by the the 'why don't you change instead?' question.  And it is a valid question.  It is also a complex question as each situation is unique, and often change is required on both sides.

I would say a good rule of thumb to follow is that change should be in the direction of moving towards each other AND moving towards what God wants marriage to be.  One spouse changing to accommodate the selfishness or other unChristlike characteristics in their spouse is not a good change. Likewise, good change does not create an imbalance so the happiness of one spouse comes at the expense of the other.  If your spouse is challenging you to rise to a higher level of oneness where intimacy with each other and with God is increased, accept the challenge, find a way to rise to meet it, and enjoy the blessings that come as a result.

There are times when serious issues (past abuse, health situations etc.) can make positive change very hard to achieve, or ever make some changes impossible for a time or for all of mortality.  If however the couple is committed to a common vision of what it should be like without such obstacles, then there can be unity in the relationship as they work around them as best they can and look forward to the day when those limits are gone.

Both my wife and I have had to make changes of course.  We have each felt the temptation to push back and try to get our spouse to change so we wouldn't have to improve ourselves, but by ignoring that and making changes for the better we have found a closeness we never would have otherwise.

The Book of Mormon teaches:

Ether 12:27 
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I believe that this applies to our marriages as well.  If emotional intimacy is a weak area, together you can make it strong, likewise with sexual intimacy or any other part of your relationship. What is required is the humility and faith from both of you to work at it with the trust that God will keep his promise and help make it a strength.

Do you and your spouse share a common vision for your marriage?  If you each made a list of what things you would like to see change, are there any things that would be on both of your lists?  Does your spouse know what would be on your list and do you know what would be on theirs?  Change can be scary, but either you pursue it, or you stay where you are until other forces change things for you.