Tricks and Treats

You all know what tomorrow is right?  It is the day to start getting all kinds of costumes really cheap.  I'm not talking about costumes for the kids to wear on Halloween, I'm talking about costumes for you.  Things you can use to spice things up in the bedroom by adding a little fantasy role playing.  Certainly a nice way to end this holiday, but it works just as well any night of the year.

A sense of fun and playfulness in your sex life is a wonderful thing to have.  Laughing together is as much a bonding moment as any hug if not more, and going the extra mile to make yourself visually appealing to your spouse tells them that they are important to you, as well as perhaps allowing them the chance to find the fulfillment of some of their fantasies in your arms.

And trust me ladies, we men fantasize.  We are not just stirred by things actually seen, but also by the mental pictures we create.  We look at our wives and picture her in a French maid outfit, or as a cheerleader, a princess, and more.  Nothing wrong with that when it is your spouse you are fantasizing about.  And guys, don't think she hasn't pictured you as her cowboy, fireman, knight in shining armor, or something like that. 

It actually takes a higher level of intimacy to put on a sexy costume for your spouse than to strip naked.  You can fully undress your body and keep your heart walled up tight, but to put on a costume and do a little fantasy role playing requires a level of emotional nakedness.  You have to shed your adult mask at least partially and allow yourself the emotional freedom and vulnerability of a child. 

It is also a way of showing your spouse that their sexual fulfillment is important to you, and that you are comfortable with seeing yourself as a sexual being.  Naturally if seeing yourself that way is a challenge for you, or if you have good reason to fear that emotional vulnerability will lead to a painful rejection, it may be something for you to work towards in your relationship.  It doesn't have to be a surprise to your spouse, go ahead and ask them what kind of sexy costume they would like to see you in, what fantasies they would like to role play with you in the bedroom.  You can also work up to it slowly.  Instead of a full blown costume, a masquerade mask can add a lot of allure all by itself.

 I know some people have concerns about role playing out fantasies that include what in reality would be violations of the law of chastity.  I think there is a big difference between acting something out for fun and preparing to do something for real.  As kids we play all kind of make believe, but we don't worry that playing cowboy's and Indians will make a kid grow up to commit murder, or that playing cops and robbers will lead somebody to life of crime, or playing house will cause teen pregnancy.  Rational adults can play act their fantasies within the bounds of their marriage and the result should be a stronger bond between them as they each strive to meet their spouses needs.

So take advantage of the sales to add some tricks to your repertoire, then give your spouse a treat.

Let us oft speak kind words...

What was the last thing your spouse said to you before you started reading this?  Can you remember it?  What was the last thing you said to your spouse?

For most couples, husbands and wives spend some time apart from each other most every day.  There is work, church meetings, going off to buy groceries and taking care of other chores. One thing I try to always remember is to never part from my wife without an expression of love.  Even at 5:50am as I quietly exit the bedroom to drive my daughter to seminary I softly whisper an 'I love you' to to her.  She might hear it, it might just sink into her dream in some way, or go totally unnoticed, but I say it.  If she is awake when I'm going somewhere I'll be sure to give her a kiss on my way out.

Part of it is just having an excuse to hold her in my arms for a bit and indulge in some osculation which is always a pleasure, but another part of it is that I want to be on her mind a bit when I'm not around.  I want her to always remember that I love her, that she means the world to me and it is easier to part from her is I share an intimate moment with her first.  Not to be morbid or overly dramatic, but should something happen to make it our last parting in mortality, I want her last memory of me (or mine of her) to be something loving.

Affection should not be saved for parting however.  Compliments, appreciation, affection, praise, and admiration should not be given out sparingly or grudgingly.  If you have only been saying 'I love you' to your spouse in response to them saying it first, then perhaps it is time to step up and show them that you think things like that without having to be prompted first. 

The more specific a compliment is, the more powerful it is.  I knew somebody who would frequently say 'You're the greatest!' to people he worked with, but it was so general and so over used that it came to mean very little to those he said it too.  If you are going to pay a compliment or give praise then name a specific quality of theirs, cite a specific thing they did or accomplished.

Even if you have to think long and hard to come up with an honest compliment for your spouse (and they must be honest) it is well worth the effort to do so.  The power of a kind word at the right time can be miraculous.  James said:

James 3: 4-5

Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things.

James was giving warning to the Saints of the strife that can result from poisonous words, but the principle works the other way around also.  The tongue has as much power to heal as it does to destroy.  Or in other words:

Let us oft speak kind words to each other

At home or where'er we may be;

Like the warblings of birds on the heather,

The tones will be welcome and free.

They'll gladden the heart that's repining,

Give courage and hope from above,

And where the dark clouds hide the shining,

Let in the bright sunlight of love. 

Oh, the kind words we give shall in memory live

And sunshine forever impart.

Let us oft speak kind words to each other;

Kind words are sweet tones of the heart.

       -- Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words, Hymn 232

Have you given your spouse a compliment today?  Have you told them you love them?  Have you praised anything about them or anything they've done lately?  If not, perhaps it is time to stop reading and go do it.  If you have, why not go do it again right now? 

Facing the need to change.

One of the things I love about my relationship with my wife is that she welcomes it when I follow my manly impulses.  It doesn't matter if it is a discrete but daring display of physical affection when out in public, a risque text message, wanting to hold the remote control, letting my inner 10 year old out to play, cooking up a pot of super spicy chili, or whatever.  She is fine with me being me and enjoys it when I express my feelings for her in my own way.  She is my partner in all parts of my life, joining me in watching mindless action movies, target shooting (actually I think I was joining her for that) or even going to ComicCon (in cosplay even).  She doesn't try to retrain me, change my interests, mould how I express myself or otherwise reshape me into something I'm not for her comfort.  She will reign me in if I start to go too far but that's a good thing too.

Likewise I don't quash her unique character.  When her fearless optimism sweeps her into starting projects I would never dare to dream of, she knows I won't be one of the obstacles she will face.  I'll watch chick flicks or even play board games with her.  We have expanded each other's horizons many times.  I would have never seen Casablanca were it not for her.

The one area where this did not go so smoothly was in the bedroom.  When we got serious about creating a mutually satisfying marriage we ran head first into the fact that how we act as a lover stems from our sexual identity, and changing our behavior and attitudes about intimacy can't happen without changing something basic about ourselves.  It took a lot more than tagging along to a movie you wouldn't normally choose to watch.

It doesn't work very well if you passively sit back and cheer on your spouse in their pursuit of a better marriage with you, it's your relationship too.  If you don't share a common vision of what your marriage should look like,  what changes would improve it, or if one of you is unwilling to work towards that vision, then that may be the first thing to work on changing.

Sometimes when we are trying to change our marriages for the better it can wind up with one spouse feeling like they are being rejected or not loved for who they are.  It is important to be clear that there is no emotional blackmail going on and your love is not conditional on getting your own way.  The objective is to create a closer bond and stronger attachment that will bring greater happiness to you both, not gratification of your own desires at the expense of your partner's feelings.


Often the 'you want to change who I am' accusation is followed by the the 'why don't you change instead?' question.  And it is a valid question.  It is also a complex question as each situation is unique, and often change is required on both sides.

I would say a good rule of thumb to follow is that change should be in the direction of moving towards each other AND moving towards what God wants marriage to be.  One spouse changing to accommodate the selfishness or other unChristlike characteristics in their spouse is not a good change. Likewise, good change does not create an imbalance so the happiness of one spouse comes at the expense of the other.  If your spouse is challenging you to rise to a higher level of oneness where intimacy with each other and with God is increased, accept the challenge, find a way to rise to meet it, and enjoy the blessings that come as a result.

There are times when serious issues (past abuse, health situations etc.) can make positive change very hard to achieve, or ever make some changes impossible for a time or for all of mortality.  If however the couple is committed to a common vision of what it should be like without such obstacles, then there can be unity in the relationship as they work around them as best they can and look forward to the day when those limits are gone.

Both my wife and I have had to make changes of course.  We have each felt the temptation to push back and try to get our spouse to change so we wouldn't have to improve ourselves, but by ignoring that and making changes for the better we have found a closeness we never would have otherwise.

The Book of Mormon teaches:

Ether 12:27 
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I believe that this applies to our marriages as well.  If emotional intimacy is a weak area, together you can make it strong, likewise with sexual intimacy or any other part of your relationship. What is required is the humility and faith from both of you to work at it with the trust that God will keep his promise and help make it a strength.

Do you and your spouse share a common vision for your marriage?  If you each made a list of what things you would like to see change, are there any things that would be on both of your lists?  Does your spouse know what would be on your list and do you know what would be on theirs?  Change can be scary, but either you pursue it, or you stay where you are until other forces change things for you.

Magical Thinking

At dinner a few nights ago I asked daughter #3 to say the blessing.  She glumly asked 'Do I have to?'.  Before I could answer, daughter #4 spoke up saying brightly 'Do it!  You'll get boyfriend points!'  at which daughter #3 brightened up and said the blessing.

I asked them what they meant by 'boyfriend points' since I hadn't heard the term before and they explained that by doing good things you get 'boyfriend points' and the more points you get the better a boyfriend you will have.  I made sure they understood that was a game and things didn't really work that way.

What they were doing was an example of 'magical thinking'.  Magical thinking is when you come to believe that certain actions will result in something that is in reality completely unrelated to the that action.  While I'm glad she agreed to say the blessing and will be blessed for it in some way, it doesn't guarantee anything about any future boyfriend.

As it says in the scriptures:

D&C 130

20 There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—

21 And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.

Unfortunately, we all tend to fall into the trap of magical thinking now and then, especially when we suffer wrongs we don't deserve.  We can even become angry with the church or with God when our personal righteousness doesn't shield us from trials.

In marriage, magical thinking can be a source of hurt, disappointment, and bewilderment.  It can blind us to dangers, preventing us from seeing warning signs until it is too late.  If you think 'that won't happen in my marriage' then ask yourself why you think it won't.  If you think your marriage is on solid ground because you are aware of what you need to do obtain those blessings and are doing it, then you are probably on the right track.  If it is because you go to church and pay tithing and serve faithfully in your calling then you are probably applying magical thinking.  Doing all those things is good and will bring you blessings, but you can do all that and still fail to obey the laws that will lead to blessings in your marriage.

One common example of magical thinking is the belief that by living the law of chastity faithfully before marriage and being married in the temple, we are sure to have a good marriage and a faithful spouse.  Not so.  Living the law of chastity means you come into marriage without the emotional scars and baggage of sexual sins.  That is a wonderful blessing to be free of that and it creates an environment where it is easier to create a celestial marriage after the wedding, but where the marriage goes after the wedding depends on what the couple does in the days, months and years to come.

A spouse who neglects the needs of their companion or conducts themselves in a selfish or unChristlike manner will provoke unhappiness in the home.  A person who was raised with a very negative view of sex will not suddenly become a passionate uninhibited lover just because they are a virgin on their wedding night.

Another common case of magical thinking is that if a man does more housework, his wife will make love to him more often.  It might happen, if it is the housework burden that is holding his wife back from getting intimate more often.  It won't resolve issue unrelated to housework though.  I'm not trying to discourage husbands from helping out as best they can, it is the right thing to do, but don't do it expecting a sexual payoff.  Do it for her, not for you.

We also shouldn't make the mistake of thinking that we can control everything in our lives through obedience to God's laws.  Other people still have their free agency and get to make their own choices, and at time we are called to go through the refiners fire, individually or as a couple. We do have the promise however that God will keep his word, and while blessings may be delayed, they are never denied to those who follow in faith. Miracles can and do happen as well, but we need to recognize those miracles for the gift from God that they are and not credit ourselves.  Then we can feel the joy of His love.

I hope my daughters do find good boyfriends someday down the road.  If they've listened to what I've taught them about dating and what to look for in a guy they will.   I hope they will still bless supper too, even though they know 'boyfriend points' aren't real.

Fear, the intimacy killer

Intimacy and vulnerability seem to go hand in hand.  Physical intimacy requires making ourselves physically vulnerable to our partner, trusting that they will seek our pleasure.  Likewise with emotional intimacy, it requires we make ourselves emotionally vulnerable.  For some reason emotional hurts go much deeper and last much longer than the physical kind.  They are also much easier to cause, unintentionally or not.  This can create fear that will limit our closeness and fear is the intimacy killer.

I confess that have given in to that fear a lot.  There were things my wife did that hurt or bothered me and I never discussed them with her in order to avoid conflict.  Because I stayed silent, she didn't know she had hurt me and had no reason to change her behavior.  There were things I wanted to try in the bedroom that I was afraid to ask for in case she thought less of me for wanting them, or in case asking would make her feel inadequate or think that I was ungrateful for what she was already doing.  My wife has done the same thing too.  She happens to love hard rock music but she hid that from me for many years fearing I would disapprove and look down on her for it.

Giving into that fear makes bottle up feelings and desires and personality.  We hide who we are and start playing a role rather than being ourselves. Secret hurts are never resolved, secret desires are never fulfilled, secret interests are never fully explored, and you can`t get to really know somebody who is not being genuine.  Those secrets create a barrier to intimacy, and they can also make us vulnerable to temptation when we encounter somebody who accepts the parts of us we are afraid to show our spouse.

Years ago my wife and I were in the process of working out longstanding issues in our marriage and just starting to really open up to each other.  At the start of that journey I though the only thing that needed to change was our sex life, but soon found that I needed to change and stop letting fear shut me down and isolate me from her.

On our anniversary that year we wound up going places we never went before, doing things we never did before, trying foods we never tried before.  Nothing wild or crazy, we just crossed off a few easy bucket list items.  It became a night of firsts.  When we got home to conclude our celebration, I mustered the courage to ask for something I've always wanted to do with her.  I was prepared for the worst, but to my joy and amazement she was perfectly happy to go ahead and it became the perfect end to the night and a new entry on our intimacy menu.  I now kick myself for waiting so many years to ask.

On the other end of the scale, learning I needed to open up to my wife also meant letting her know about some deep wounds inflicted long ago that had not healed.  That was the start of a painful emotional process of reconciliation.  Tearful conversations late at night behind closed doors, struggles to turn feelings into words, questions that were hard to ask and harder to answer.  None of it was fun but opening up and facing it together has deepened our attachment and cleared the air on things that hung around unsaid for far too long.

It is also important that we do not give our spouse good reason to fear being open with us.  If we have a habit of reacting in judgmental and critical ways it discourages our spouse from letting us see who they really are.  Likewise if your spouse can`t be trusted to handle your heart with care, focus on resolving that.

Empathy and charity for our spouse will invite them to be open with us.  They create a warm loving atmosphere where it feels safe to let down the defenses and expose our true, weak self.  Opening up to ours spouse is something else that can encourage them to respond in kind. 

There is nothing so wonderful and so powerful as to know that your spouse really knows who you are, warts and all, and still loves you deeply.

Moving towards sexual fulfillment - Part 2

[Click here for Part 1]

So, you know what your spouse needs to be sexually fulfilled, and you know what you need, and you've communicated that to your spouse.  You've fostered empathy for your spouse so you understand that their needs are real and valid.  What next?

Submission
Submission is not a popular word in our culture, especially with respect to relationships between husbands and wives.  It brings to mind images of an oppressed housewife from decades past, quietly enduring their husband treating them like doormats or worse.  That isn't what I'm talking about.

Submission in marriage should be mutual (as most everything in marriage should be).  Paul taught the saints at Corinth that husbands and wives both should "render due benevolence" to each other (1Cor 7:3).

Benevolence is a desire to do good, charitableness.  In other words, both husband and wife should serve each other.  While we tend to readily understand this in terms of our actions outside the bedroom, Paul goes on to link it directly with each spouse having claim on the very body of their spouse in a sexual context.

Sexual benevolence looks outward with love toward meeting our spouse's needs, not inward to our own selfish satisfaction.  It demands more than just a good intentions or lip service, it requires us to act, even to expand our horizons.  It goes beyond doing the bare minimum and instead glories in going the extra mile.

It is not submitting to the will of your spouse but submitting to your divine role and calling of husband or wife. In doing that you are submitting to God's will and honoring honor temple covenants.

Pride and fear are obstacles to all righteous submission, and submission in marriage requires so much emotional vulnerability that it may take time to learn to let the walls down, but it will be worth it.

Unity
One of the purposes of the sexual relationship in marriage is to create unity and oneness between the husband and wife.  It makes no sense then to pursue sexual fulfillment in a manner that harms that unity.   Every couple will have differences between between their needs that have the potential to become points of contention in the relationship


If trying to reach sexual fulfillment is creating friction in the relationship, something is out of balance.  By nature we resist change and it is easy to say "Why should I be the one to change, you should change instead."  Before saying that, ask yourself what change would bring the marriage closer to mutual fulfillment and which seeks for self fulfillment?  Which one requires somebody to grow and expand their horizons and which one requires somebody to live with an unmet need? What change reflects empathy and submission for the spouse and which reflect defensiveness and self-centered control?  Which change is being requested out of a desire for greater joy, and which our of pride or fear?

Hopefully those questions will lead to you having a common direction with your spouse.  After that it mostly a matter of finding creative ways you can both happily move in that direction.

Pressure is caused by resistance to a force, and stress is caused by forces acting in differing directions.  No spouse should ever feel pushed into doing something they do not want to do.  Voluntarily pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, overcoming your own internal resistance to better meet your spouses needs, is an act of love and charity that leads to growth.  Pushing your spouse is unrighteous dominion and selfishness that will harm the relationship.

Vigilance 
Don't you wish your spouse was so in tune with you that they always gave you the attention and affection you wanted from them as if they could read your mind?  Do you realize they wish the same thing from you?

We can't read minds, but we can pay attention to our spouse for signs of unmet needs.  We can ask them from time to time how we can better meet their needs, and we can pay attention to our own efforts and do our best to proactively provide for their needs.

To maintain sexual fulfillment long term there must be ongoing introspection and communication so that each spouse is up to date on the other.  Needs change over time.  Men who were ready to go at the drop of a hat in their 20's may find that they need foreplay as much (or more) than their wife when they hit middle age.   Other biological changes and health issues may likewise alter a spouse's needs.

We also change emotionally and may experiences times where our intimacy needs also change.  This can manifest itself in any of our needs, increasing or decreasing their importance.  Or we may develop new needs, and something that was once a need may not be important any longer.

Sexual fulfillment is not a one time achievement, it is a constant quest.  There may be dragons to slay, traps to avoid, and wildernesses to cross, but there are treasures beyond compare as well.

Moving towards sexual fulfillment - Part 1

It's all well and good to say that sexual fulfillment is important in a marriage, but that doesn't really help much if there isn't agreement on what that means.  Conflict and frustration are usually close at hand when each spouse has a different picture in their mind of what fulfillment looks like.  If they have conflicting views it can become a big problem in the relationship if left unaddressed.


Sexual fulfillment is achieved over time, sometimes a long time.  It is the result of each spouse doing their best to provide their mate with the a satisfying intimate physical relationship, and helping their spouse do the same for them.  The focus needs to be on serving your spouse, fulfillment is a gift you can only give, not take.

It is important to realize that the objective here is mutual fulfillment. Neither spouse should be left feeling neglected, used, taken for granted, unsatisfied or unappreciated.  In an ideal marriage, fulfilling your spouse sexually is a big part of your own sexual fulfillment.

Over the next few posts I'll go over what I've found to be some key steps that will help in achieving mutual sexual fulfillment in marriage. I don't suggest this the be-all-end-all on the subject, but I hope they will be helpful at least.

Knowledge
What would the perfect sexual relationship look like to you, what would it look like to your spouse?  My wife and I didn't really talk about that at all before or marriage, or after it for many years.  Big mistake. It is really hard to meet the needs of a person when you do not know what their needs are.  It is really hard to tell your spouse what your needs if you don't know what they are yourself.  The clearer you can make the picture in your spouse's mind of what fulfillment means for you, the easier it will be to make that picture a reality. 

Each spouse ought to look inside themselves and determine as clearly as possible what they need to feel satisfied sexually.  What do you need in terms of frequency, enthusiasm, variety, order, adventure, playfulness, fantasy, flirting, safety, risk, foreplay, affection outside the bedroom, pillow talk,  respect, control, submission, privacy, spontaneity, aggressiveness etc. to feel satisfied?  How important are each of these needs, which are vitally important, which ones are desirable but less important? 

Once you have a firm grasp on what your own needs are, then you need to share them with your spouse.  It would be wonderful if we could all read each other mind's and know what to do when to make our spouses feel loved and happy, but it doesn't work that way.  We need to teach our spouse about the person they married.  Tell your spouse what your needs are, perhaps in a letter or email that they can refer back to.  Discuss them together to ensure they are correctly understood. Get the same information from your spouse and become a student of their heart.

Also be aware that a person's needs can change over time, and it is our responsibility to update our spouse as needed.

Empathy
Making your needs known to your spouse can be frightening, it requires making ourselves emotionally vulnerable like nothing else does, and with vulnerability comes an intense fear of rejection.  This is what kept me silent for many years, the fear that if I requested *that*, she may think less of me for it, push me away and desire me less.

It is very important when your spouse is sharing something like this, they are trying to help you both find greater sexual fulfillment.  Do not react by judging them, making them feel ashamed, invalidating their feelings or rejecting them in some other way.  Do that and you will find it very hard to get them to open up to you like that again and instead of drawing closer you'll create a wall.

Shared needs are easy to deal with but the chances are pretty good that your spouse will also have some need that will take you outside your comfort zone.  Likewise you will probably have to stretch yourself to meet their needs.  I'm not talking about things that would harm somebody's worthiness before God, risk landing somebody in jail, or cause physical or emotional trauma, I'm talking about things that are common in healthy sexual relationships but one spouse gets nothing out of, or even feels deeply uncomfortable with doing for other reasons.

It is tempting to try and get your spouse to alter their needs so things are easier for you, but is that how you would like them to behave when it comes to your needs?  No. Also, there is no mutual fulfillment in one spouse engaging something (or doing without something) out of a feeling of duty or obligation.  What is called for is empathy.

Empathy is a form of compassion that enables you to relate to how another feels about something even if you yourself do not feel that way about the same thing,.  It is not pity or sympathy, those are feeling for somebody, empathy is feeling with somebody.

Having empathy for your spouse allows you to draw on your love for them expand your comfort zone so you can meet their needs joyfully, with no resentment. Understanding why that need exists (if possible), or what meaning your spouse attaches to having that need met can help develop that empathy.

Empathy is also a two way street in a situation like this.  One spouse needs to cultivate empathy for the need held by the other, and the other must cultivate empathy for their spouse's inhibition. Then you can take a step back and start taking a deeper look at both the desire and the inhibition.

What about it makes it desirable or undesirable?  Is there a way it could me made more desirable?  How important is fulfilling that desire?  How deep does the inhibition run?  What experiences have contributed to these feelings?  Is it need really just a means of meeting some deeper need?  Is there some other way of meeting that need, a win-win solution? 

It may wind up with somebody growing sexually, overcoming an inhibition and expanding their comfort zone.  It may wind up with somebody having enough empathy for their spouse that their own need is eclipsed by their compassion for their spouse's challenge.  It may be something in between, or move from one to the other.  What is important is that both spouses know that their mate understands and accepts their needs, has empathy for them, and will do the best they can to fulfill those needs.

[Click Here for Part 2]