How to grow your love for your spouse

I love Valentine's Day.  I know some people think it is a fake holiday invented by greeting card companies but I don't see it that way.  It is a ritual, and rituals are reminders that focus our attention on something we otherwise could take for granted and even forget over time.  I also see it as a challenge to step up my game and make sure my wife feels as deeply loved as possible.

I loved her the day we met and I loved her even  more deeply the day we got married.  I didn't think I could love anybody more than that, yet here I am over 25 years later, loving her more than ever before.  That is the magic of love.  Perhaps the explanation is that I've always loved her as much as I was able to love, and over time that capacity to love has increased allowing me to love her more.

I believe there are things we can do to increase our capacity to love our spouse (and others), and it doesn't matter if the relationship is already super or if there are some real challenges to work on.  There is always room for growth and we should make an effort of some kind to perfect our love for our spouse.  If we are not moving forward we are backsliding, so don't get too content.

But what do we do in order to love our spouse more?  Here are some ideas.

Love God more than you love your spouse.
If you love God more than your spouse, you will love your spouse more than if you put your spouse at the top of the list.  It sounds counter-intuitive but it is true.  In Gal 5:22 it says "the fruit of the Spirit is love" and from this we can know that love is a gift of the Spirit.  Those who rebel against God are described as having hearts that are hard (Moses 6:27) and the Spirit of the Lord will withdraw from those who harden their hearts (Hel 13:8).

When the Spirit of the Lord withdraws, the gift of love goes with it.  When we put God first and submit our heart to Him above all else we can be blessed with a greater measure of the Spirit of the Lord, and with that a greater capacity to love.  Or, as John said:

1John 5:1-2

Whosoever believeth that Jesus is the Christ is born of God: and every one that loveth him that begat loveth him also that is begotten of him.

By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments.

Increasing our love for God is the same as increasing out love for our spouse as well, so the suggestions below apply to both.

Service
You can not truly serve somebody from the heart without coming to feel greater love for them.  Faithful Bishops, Presidents, missionaries, teachers and more testify on their release (if not sooner) of the love they have for those they have served.  That love grew as a result of the service they gave.  The same is true in a marriage.  As you serve your spouse, your love for them will grow.

If you are not deliberately doing some kind of act of service for your spouse on a daily basis, start today.  It doesn't have to be anything big or elaborate or prepared in advance, but it does need to be a genuine act of service done with a willing heart.  If we do something grudgingly "it is counted unto him the same as if he had retained the gift" (Moroni 7:8).  If you are already serving them daily, can you do better?  Are you actively on the lookout for an opportunity to do something to make your spouse's life happier, more comfortable, more joyful?

Gratitude
Nobody wants to be taken for granted by their spouse, but it can be so easy to do just that.  If we are not attentive with a grateful heart we can overlook the little acts of service our spouse does for us, or come to just expect them as something they are supposed to do anyway.

No spouse is perfect, so if we go looking for what it is that our spouse is failing in, we will find something.  Chances are they are aware they could do better at that too, but if they are not recognized for what they are doing right, why bother working harder to do more things right?

Turn that habit around, notice the things your spouse is doing well and praise them for it.  If it is something you have come to expect from them realize there are spouses out there who do not do that.  Make a point of giving praise and gratitude both in private and in front of others when appropriate.  Perhaps use social media to express your thankfulness as well.  And always be as specific as possible when expressing gratitude or giving praise.  Pretend you are trying to convince your spouse, because some spouses need to be convinced

If a couple makes a point of doing those things, I'm confident that their love for each other will grow and flourish.  Even if there are troubles, having the Spirit of the Lord is present with service and gratitude creates an environment where healing and progress can happen.  Rather than go 'back to normal' now that Valentine's Day is over, start laying the foundation for a Valentine's Day next year where you can honestly say you are more in love with your spouse than ever before.

How to refuse having sex with your spouse

Nobody gets through life without experiencing the pain of rejection.  You may have been turned down by the school you wanted to attend, you may not have won the job or promotion you sought after, your ideas may be ridiculed and dismissed, or perhaps nobody will publish that great novel you wrote.

The most painful rejections however happen in the realm of human relationships.  A guy who has asked a girl for a dance only to have her scoff at his request can remember the painful sting of it long afterwards.  Likewise a girl who hopes for romantic attention from some boy, only to see him fall in love with somebody else can experience a deep heartache that crushes the joy out of life for a time.

Over time we tend to build up what I call 'The Wall'.  An emotional buffer zone or barrier we put between ourselves and others so they can't hurt our feelings as easily.  Some are lucky to have The Wall in place early in life, others don't experience a number of wounds first.

Emotional intimacy in marriage requires that we let our spouse in past The Wall but doing this leaves us vulnerable.  We are giving our spouse power to inflict the deepest of hurts when we let them in like that.  We may trust that they will be careful, but sooner or later they will do something we find hurtful.  Usually sooner.  Nobody can read the mind of their spouse and know where all the sore spots are.  Sometimes we find them the hard way and cause unintentional pain in the ones we love.  This has a lot to do with why some people resist emotional intimacy.  They don't want to be vulnerable, they don't want the lack of control that comes with giving another person so much power over their inner life so they keep them outside The Wall as much as they can. 

For many (and not just men) being refused sexual intimacy by their spouse can be the most painful rejection of all.  A marriage where that pain is frequently felt is at risk.  Over time that pain can turn to resentment and anger, or lead a person to resort to destructive coping strategies that eventually breakup of the marriage, or transform it into sexless sham of matrimony.  Even if everything outside the bedroom is perfect and both spouses feel genuine love for each other, it will be hard for them to sustain it in an environment where they frequently feel rejected.

Does that mean that somebody should always accept an invitation to be intimate with their spouse, no matter what?  Of course not.  While I feel that a married couple should make every reasonable effort to make love as frequently as either spouse desires, the reality is that there are times when that is not possible, or when doing so would be harmful to a relationship rather than helpful.

If somebody is ill or exhausted or otherwise unavailable it is not rejection, it is bad timing and poor circumstances.  If the trust and respect that should exist between a couple has been harmed, or there are serious unresolved conflicts, those should be addressed first so that neither spouse comes away from having sex feeling coerced, used, or dominated rather than loved and cherished.  The objective of every intimate encounter should be mutual happiness.

There is a world of difference between can't be intimate and won't be intimate.  A spouse feels rejected when they feel that their partner is either expressing a dislike for them, uncaring of their needs and feelings, ranking them as less important compared to other things in their life, or just plain old being selfish.   It doesn't matter if that is or isn't accurate, if they think that is why they were turned down, they will feel the intense pain of rejection.  So here are some ways you can avoid causing hurt feelings at those times when you need to turn down being intimate with your spouse.

Explain why you can't.
Don't assume they know how you are feeling.  Don't think that subtle hints get through.  Clearly inform them of what it is that leads you to turn them down.  If you don't, they will try and figure it out themselves and likely get it wrong.

Show them you are making a point of removing the obstacle
If you are just too tired, don't stay up late watching TV, get some sleep so you won't be too tired tomorrow as well.  If you are sick, focus on what you need to do to get better.  If there is tension and distrust in the relationship, take action to find healing. Make sure your spouse knows you are doing something to get past the obstacles and that you are serious about changing things for the better.  Ask them to help with that if they can.

Make sure they know you wish things were different too.
Even if they don't feel rejected, they can still feel disappointed or even frustrated when things don't turn out the way they wished.  Those feelings are a reflection of their love for you and should be taken as a compliment. But don't leave them feeling like they are the only one feeling a touch of heartache.  A little sympathy and empathy can go a long way, so tell them you are not thrilled about it either.  It softens the blow and affirms the relationship.

Promise to make it worth the wait
Sacrifice is sometimes defined as giving up something good in the present in order to gain something better in the future.  If you are going to ask them to sacrifice their desires for your benefit, let them know how it will lead to them gaining something better in the future.  You can make a vague promise that you will make waiting worth it, but it will be more powerful if you promise some specific intimate treat.  It could be something you wear for them, a special date, a certain position or intimate act or anything else above and beyond the usual.  If you do this be sure to keep that promise without delay so they don't feel they were toyed with.

Give what you can.
Physical intimacy isn't limited to just having sex.  If you can still give them a passionate kiss, a long embrace, a sexual touch, a cuddle, or fall asleep in each others arms, the contact and closeness will leave them feeling loved and accepted in spite of not being able to make love.  A little loving is better than nothing, but you do need to make it clear at the start where the limits are of what you are able to give, and you need to know that your spouse will respect those limits.  If you don't do that you could wind up doing more harm than good.

If being refused is not a common event, it will be hard for a spouse to take being turned down as a personal rejection if even just one of those suggestions are put into practice.  If several are used together it becomes even harder.

If a spouse has frequently felt rejected there can be emotional scars to deal with.  They might emotionally withdraw, putting their spouse back outside The Wall to protect themselves.  In that case the most important of those suggestions is showing their spouse that they are working on changing what they need to change and that they are committed to removing as much rejection from their relationship as possible. Without that, the other suggestions will likely be seen as insincere and manipulative.

Things will never be perfect in mortality.  Your spouse will still cause the occasional unintended hurt and so will you, but when there is a sincere effort to avoid doing that, and a heartfelt effort to heal any hurts, those events will become vehicles to a deeper understanding and connection with our eternal companions and the closer a couple can get to a rejection-free marriage, the stronger their emotional bond can become.

Sexuality and Spirituality

Something that is commonly said by marriage bloggers, counselors, and those who write books on marriage and sexuality for Christian audiences is that sex is a physical, emotional and spiritual need for men.  I have no problem seeing the truth of the first two, but it has always been hard for me to see sex as a spiritual need.

For the first 22 years of my life I didn't have any kind of sexual relationship with anybody, and it had no impact as far as I could tell on my testimony or my relationship with God or any aspect of my spirituality.  Also, after getting married our sexual relationship was not so good in the early years and is better than ever right now.  The ups and downs of my love life however do not seem linked the state of my spiritual life.

Sure, when things are good there is that much more to be grateful for, and being sexually satisfied within one's marriage can lessen the temptation to commit sexual sins and increases one's desire to qualify for the Celestial Kingdom where the relationship can continue for eternity.  But I see our relationship with God as being defined by our own individual behaviour.

An intimate relationship that is not mutually fulfilling may or may not be caused by something that also hampers that person's spirituality, and having a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship doesn't indicate anything about somebody's spirituality.  Certainly it is beneficial to have that part of a marriage going well, but it is not a requirement for being in tune with the Spirit.

What I have come to understand is that more than sex being a spiritual need, sex has a spiritual need.  In other words, both the husband and the wife need to have a deep commitment to keeping their passions, appetites and desires inside the boundaries set by the Lord so they can maintain a satisfying intimate life now and forever.  A loving Heavenly Father has given us standards and commandments to allow us the joy of sexual fulfillment safely.

Without a resolve to live by the standards of the gospel, the ecstasy of sexual pleasure can wear away at those boundaries over time.  A person or couple can begin to stray further and further out of the light seeking more and more forbidden fruit or exotic thrills.  Over time righteous sexuality can morph into rebellious hedonism.

Sexual pleasure is a powerful force for good in a marriage, but it can also turn destructive if handled carelessly, and nobody is immune from the danger. The Lord warned it can start small and end up with large consequences:

Doctrine and Covenants 42:23
And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit...

Doctrine and Covenants 63:16
And verily I say unto you, as I have said before, he that looketh on a woman to lust after her, or if any shall commit adultery in their hearts, they shall not have the Spirit, but shall deny the faith and shall fear.

A Case Study

This was all brought into focus for me though my participation in a sex and marriage online forum, and I think the story is instructive.  This forum is specifically for Mormon couples to talk with each other in seeking answers and sharing advice in the hope of achieving a mutually fulfilling sex life.  I joined it and began posting there seeing an obvious connection between their objectives and my own with this blog.

The big difference however is that the forum allows posters to promote, encourage, glorify and advocate for things that are contrary to the standards of the gospel.  You don't have to look hard to see posts and threads that promote masturbation for example.  Look some more and you'll find the same for removing temple garments so that immodest clothing can be worn on date night or for the thrill of sleeping nude together.  There is also tolerance for posters blaming the church or church leaders for failing to take care of things that in reality they are not responsible for, anti-Mormon accusation against Joseph Smith or the church over polygamy, watching porn as a couple to 'help' a marriage, and even promoting the swinging lifestyle and the adultery that goes along with it.  For that reason I'm not going to promote, link to, or even name the forum.

To be fair, there was a lot of good discussion as well, and the good far outweighed the bad with the possible exception of all the discussion on masturbation, but something very interesting happened when I began to point out the church's position on these things.  I was met with anger, LOTS of anger.  Did I insult people?  No.  Was I trolling for flames?  No.  I simply expressed clearly that the Church's position was that masturbation was wrong.  I supported it citing numerous official publications from the church including where President Spencer W. Kimball spoke on behalf of the Lord saying He did not approve of it in the October 1980 General Conference Report, and even referring to the fact that Handbook 1 (section 6.7.1) refers to it as something contrary to the standards of the Church alongside violating the Word of Wisdom and using porn.

In trying to justify their anger they complained about my being repetitious, yet I was only replying to the claims they had repeated over and over.  They also took offense that I would not take the clear direction of prophets, apostles and the church and downgrade it into a personal opinion of my own for their personal comfort.  Nephi said 'the guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center' (1Nep 16:2) and I think this was a classic example of that in some cases.  Some posters even decided or threatened to leave the board.

Those who were angry complained to the moderators who then gave me a warning in a private message sent near the start of December.  It said it was a 'final warning' and any further complaints would result in my being banned.  I do not recall receiving a previous warning like that from them but I'm not able to check that any longer.  I politely responded to them saying why I felt the accusations made were not warranted and giving examples to back up what I said.  Being open to correction however, I asked them to show me the post(s) that justified the warning to help me understand.  I received no reply at all.

A week ago the lead moderator bowed to the pressure put on him and banned me.  They announced it to the forum in a public area and said I was not banned for my views but for driving people away. I believe in their hearts they really think that, but I would say the truth of the matter is that anybody who expresses the same views as I did will be met with the same reaction no matter how they word it.  The guilty would again take offense and rise up demanding their removal unless they be quiet or censored.

They also said I caused 'serious harm' to another poster.  Hard to picture how that could happen.  And if that really is so, why can't they point out to me where it happened?  I was polite and factual (as I am here), even when others were rude and insulting.  It feels to me like my crime was being steadfast in upholding what the church said and unwilling to validate actions contrary to the teachings of the church. 

I emailed the moderators after being banned, speaking to their concerns and I asked them again to show me what post(s) of mine justified their action.  Again I got no answer from them.  I believe they are not able to find a post of mine that meets the standard for banning.  I think all they have are invalid complaints from people who wanted me silenced.  They are free to reply to my email to them anytime if they actually do have something more substantial than that.

Ironically, my banning is causing other posters to consider leaving the forum as well.  As one of them said, it is no longer an LDS forum.  I took this past week to ponder the whole thing rather than make some knee jerk reaction, and that is where it crystallized in my mind more than ever before that sex needs spirituality, not the other way around.  That forum has not committed itself to upholding the standards of the church, and so it has backslid into a place where people who have gone outside the boundaries set by the Lord will try to influence others to do things that are contrary to the gospel, and react with anger and hostility to anything or anyone that brings those boundaries into focus and show they really are the Lord's boundaries.
 
I'm sad things turned out this way.  There are very few resources out there for Mormons who want an LDS specific approach to sex and marriage that fully conforms to the standards of the church. That forum has the potential to become one.  If the moderators required that posts not conflict with the standards and commandments of the church, or attacked the church and it's leaders,  and enforced that, they would lose some posters right away but they would make it a place where 10,000 times as many Mormons would feel comfortable.

I'm grateful for the posters who objected to my banning, especially those who did not agree with me but recognized it was the wrong approach.  If my account was unbanned and the forum became a place that upheld the standards of the church I would be happy to return, but I don't expect that will happen. 

If any of you from that forum see this and want to say anything to me about what happened over there or ask a question about it, please do so by email (scroll to the bottom to see the address).

Spreadsheets and Bedsheets

Not long ago, the Internet was abuzz with the story of a man who kept track for a month of all the times he attempted to initiate sex with his wife and what the results were.  He recorded if he they had sex and what his wife's response was if they didn't.  Out of 27 attempts they had sex 3 times.  He sent the spreadsheet to her to make a point about his dissatisfaction with their sexual relationship.  His wife took offense over this and posted the spreadsheet online expecting a wave
of sympathy for having to put up with a husband who would do such a thing.

Comments from the Internet were all over the place.  Some posters taking the view that if she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to and he just has to deal with it.  Others saying that she obligated herself towards him by choosing to marry him and it was wrong of her to not follow through.  Some denouncing what the husband did as immature, others the wife for being frigid.  In general it appeared to me that people were more sympathetic towards the husband (although not always approving of his tactics) which makes sense as most couples do have sex more than 3 times a month.

Obviously we do not know the full story of this couple but it raises some worthwhile questions.  Is there an obligation for a spouse to be intimate with their partner, and if so, how often?  Is it wrong for a spouse to express dissatisfaction with how frequently they are intimate?  How do you resolve situations of this nature?

This is related to the question: 'Is having sex a a need or a want', and like most questions that come up about sexual relationships, this is not a simple yes or no question.  If we look at Paul's counsel in 1 Cor 7:2-5, he refers to rejecting intimacy with one's spouse as defrauding them.

We can also look at what Elder Richard G. Scott said in the Priesthood session of the April 2000 General Conference:

When we were created, Father in Heaven put in our body the capacity to stir powerful emotions. Within the covenant of marriage, when properly used in ways acceptable to both and to the Lord, those emotions open the doors for children to come to earth. Such sacred expressions of love are an essential part of the covenant of marriage.

However it would be wrong to take that as meaning that every single time one spouse desires sexual intimacy that the other is obligated to comply no matter what.  Elder Scott went on to say:

There are times, brethren, when you need to restrain those feelings. There are times when you need to allow their full expression. Let the Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your marriage.

And likewise Paul's counsel included that couples could refrain for a short time by mutual consent for righteous purposes.

The difference between defrauding one's spouse of intimacy and righteous restraint lies in the reason.  Are we obligated to be kind, charitable, considerate of our spouse's feelings and needs, and willing to serve our spouse in love to the best of our ability?  As people who have covenanted to follow Christ we are, so we can't then justify rejecting a spouse if that rejection is based on selfishly putting our own desires above the stewardship we have towards our spouse.  If however something like illness, exhaustion, other obligations that leave no time for sex, or serious unresolved relationship problems are what is preventing us from going ahead with it then restraint is appropriate.

While one couple may have sex every day, or nearly every day, and another couple may rarely have sex, as long as both spouses are happy and feel their needs are at least adequately met there is no problem.  It is rare for both spouses to need the same frequency of sexual intimacy their partner does to feel sexually fulfilled so finding a point where both are happy and fulfilled can take some effort.

The tricky thing is that neither spouse should feel pressured to perform sexually or pressured to repress their desires either.  Those desires are from God as Elder Scott (and others) have indicated.  While they do need to be temporarily restrained sometimes and controlled, they should not be repressed and eliminated.

If a spouse feels pressured to be intimate, some introspection is called for.  Pressure requires resistance, so if one feels pressured, where is the resistance coming from?  What perceived consequence is being avoided?  Is the resistance the result of some idea about sex or marriage that is incorrect, or some selfish impulse, or is it a situation like the ones mentioned above where restraint is the right choice?  If you know where the resistance is coming from, you can know if you should drop that resistance or not.

Communication is an important tool to prevent misunderstanding and hurt feelings.  Responding to a spouse with a flat 'No' when they try to initiate intimacy is far more likely to wound than a gentle explanation of what obstacles stand in the way of saying 'Yes'.  Even if those obstacles are not things that can be resolved that day it helps to prevent feelings of personal rejection.

If the frequency of sexual encounters is not meeting the needs of one spouse (as in the case of 'Spreadsheet Guy', they need to communicate that without making anybody feel accused or attacked.  It is often true that a spouse who refuses intimacy frequently also overestimates how often they have sex, so sometimes some factual historical data is useful, but in this case it was presented vindictively.  Even when presented in kind way, there is always a chance that a conversation of this nature could become very tense, and if so it would be good to follow the advice in How to Fight with your spouse (and why you should).

In a nutshell, the obligation is not really to have sex, or to meet some target for how often sexual intimacy takes place.  The obligation we have as people trying to be Christ-like is to be loving, generous and kind towards our spouse. If the situation is such that one spouse desires intimacy but it would be a negative experience for the other spouse, that kindness is manifested by that spouse exercising temporary restraint on their desires and both working to overcome the obstacles quickly.  If there are no such obstacles, then kindness is shown by the other spouse willingly and happily doing what they can to meet their spouse's needs.

I feel safe saying that the spreadsheet couple were not acting in that way.  Hopefully they have both taken a closer look at what each of them is doing and made some positive changes.  Ask yourself however what your spouse's spreadsheet would look like if they kept track the same way, and what could you do to make it a record to be proud of.

How to fight with your spouse (and why you should)

One of the mistakes I made early on in my marriage was that I didn't fight enough with my wife. By fight I do not mean raised voices and cruel things being said in anger.  Believe it or not we have never, ever had that kind of fight.  And I'm not talking about disagreements like where a picture should be hung or what color to paint a room.  I'm talking about those emotionally charged moments that start with one of you angering or hurting the feelings of the other. 

I would bottle those feelings up to avoid a potential fight.  I didn't trust myself to keep it from turning contentious, and as we know, contention is of the devil.  I saw those kind of fights as a sign of a bad relationship and I though I was doing our marriage a favor by avoiding conflict.  I told myself that she didn't mean it, so just ignore it and don't turn it into something that could potentially escalate to the point where we say things we would regret later.

Contention and fighting in anger is not a good thing, but at the same time a conflict avoided is a conflict unresolved.  Most of the time my wife upset me without ever realizing that she did it.  I denied her the chance to learn where my sore spots were, what was going on in my head.  I never gave her a chance to correct any misunderstanding I had about her motives or to adjust my expectations to something more realistic.  The times that I did talk about it, it was long after the fact and while I may have said how it made me feel, she still never saw the evidence that it did bother me that much so the words didn't sink in much.

Things just got bottled up and festered slowly until it got to a point where adding up all these offenses left me unsure if my wife really loved me.  At some point point avoiding conflict became motivated by the fear that if push came to shove, I might find out she really did mean to hurt me, or just didn't care. 

Conflicts will come up in any marriage, but they must be addressed, not avoided.  While it's true they can be addressed in very unhealthy and unproductive ways (even destructive ways) they can also be addressed in ways that strengthen a relationship and create greater intimacy.

It was a bit scary when I decided I wasn't going to avoid potential conflicts any longer.  It was a leap of faith to trust myself enough to express strong negative emotions without losing control, but I did it well enough.  Since then we have had several tense discussions charged with emotion but thankfully we both were able to stay civil.  Those discussions have been huge steps forward in our relationship and we both know each other now better than we ever did. It seemed I also had some things to learn about how to not hurt or offend her as well.  Imagine that!

While initially this change lead to a several conflicts at first, the frequency of those conflicts rapidly dropped off as we came to know each other better.  The same mistakes were not being made over and over again, or at least not as often.  We found a different kind of intimacy where you had to strip your soul naked and admit to your insecurities, jealousies, fears, and point out the past wounds that are not fully healed and need to be left alone or treated with love. 

I'm glad it never devolved into an unhealthy conflict and I think we managed to do that by sticking as best we could to some basic rules:

1.  Stay on topic.
D&C 121:43 says to reprove with sharpness, that doesn't mean with cutting remarks, it means with clarity and focus.  Don't muddy the waters by dragging in other issues, stay focused on the one problem at hand.

2.  Don't delay the discussion any more than you have to.
Generally these conflicts are best had in private, not in public and certainly not in front of the kids.  Often that means there will need to be a delay between the event and the discussion about it, but that delay should not be longer than it has to be.

The more time passes, the less serious the complaint will be taken and the less impact it will have on future behavior.  Sometimes that little delay is not a bad thing, giving you a chance to gather you thoughts and evaluate how best to state your case.

3.  Don't accuse, use feel statements instead.
Joseph Smith said: "If you do not accuse each other, God will not accuse you (History of the Church, 4:445)"  Accusations are by nature adversarial and prompt people to become defensive, dig in and resist change by justifying themselves.  Accusations put you and your spouse on opposite sides where one has the win and the other has to lose.  When that happens, the marriage loses either way.

It is more effective to use a feel statement instead.  A feel statement is a statement of cause and effect.  Their behavior is the cause, your emotions are the effect.  'When you do this, I feel that' goes over much better than 'You are so...'  It allows you to communicate the same information, but without putting your spouse on the defensive, in fact you open the door for them to explain their own motives and thoughts, or to modify their behavior without feeling coerced.  It also keeps you both on the same team, working toward mutual understanding and reconciliation together. 

4.  Don't justify or blame shift
Offering an apology or making a change when it is called for can be a hard thing.  Sometimes we try to avoid doing that by seeking to justify our actions.  It's the same as telling somebody that they are wrong to feel what they feel, but you don't get to decide how somebody else does or should feel about something.  Sometimes know we were wrong but we want to explain why we thought we were doing the right thing, but that is an explanation that should wait until after the apology has been made so it is not mistake for an attempt to avoid an apology.

Blame shifting is another tactic designed to avoid apologizing and changing.  With blame shifting the offender casts their offending actions as being the fault of the person they should be apologizing to, or they cast their actions as virtuous and claim their spouse only sees them as wrong because of some flaw in them.  An example of this would be the spouse who is bothered at how often their efforts to be intimate are met with rejection and winds up having the blame shifted onto them by being called carnal and sex-obsessed.

5.  No name calling, threats or insults
If you can't express love for your spouse in the middle of a conflict, you are doing it wrong.  If you do include expressions of your love for you spouse in your conflict, the fight will not scar your relationship.

No matter how much you think it is justified, no matter how much you want to lash back, don't ever insult your spouse, call them unkind names, or make threats, especially threats about divorcing or cheating on them.  Words cut deeper than any blade, you can't unsay them, and no matter how much you apologize for it after, the fact remains that those words came into your head and came out your mouth and that can plant a very bad kind of seed in your spouses mind.  Don't say anything you don't want them to really take to heart and believe. (See also: Let us oft speak kind words...)

6.  Don't attribute motives, listen to your spouse.
Like Steven R Covey said, seek to understand before you seek to be understood.  Sometimes we assume we know why somebody did something.  Sometimes the entire conflict hinges on that assumption, and often that assumption is either wrong or incomplete.  Feel statements are way to draw out from our spouse what their motives and thinking were but you have to listen, you have to give them a fair chance to explain themselves, not just rant at them and storm off.

Give your spouse the benefit of a doubt, listen to their side and try to see their perspective, not just try and force them to see things your way.  Somewhere along the way one or both of you will learn something about each other that will help avoid similar conflicts in the future.

7.  Apologize sincerely
Don't apologize insincerely, but do apologize.  Even when you think what you did was perfectly right and justified there are likely still things you can apologize for.  If you actions had unintended outcomes you regret (like offending your spouse), apologize for those.  If the conflict could have been avoided by communicating better earlier on, you can apologize for that. 

Reconciliation is the same thing as repentance.  It is about repairing a relationship harmed by wrongdoing.  Make sure you are both clear on what it was that should be apologized for, why it was wrong, and how it can be avoided in the future.  Make sure they know you do regret it, ask their forgiveness, make it up to them as best you can, and commit to not making that mistake again. (See also: A better way to say sorry)

8.  Show your love for each other and don't dredge it up again.
D&C 121:43  also says to show an increase of love after a conflict 'lest he esteem thee to be his enemy'.  When the storm is over, reaffirm your love for each other to clear the air.  Make up sex is the absolute best way to sooth over both bruised hearts.  Apology and forgiveness create deep emotional intimacy, and increased emotional intimacy easily translates into increased passion.  After that, don't dredge it up again.  God doesn't do that with us, we should follow His example.

I wish I could say that my wife and I have been perfect at following all those rules but of course we haven't been.   But we've followed them well enough to know their value and to know that avoiding conflicts rather than resolving them results in avoiding truly becoming one with each other and with God.

Is having sex a need or a want?

I've blogged previously about the importance of the sexual relationship in marriage, but I steered away from using the word 'need' in that post.  Today I'm going to address that.

'Need' is a very strong word, and it is also a very over used word in our society.  People say they need a big TV, or a better car or some other thing when really it is not a need.  It may improve their quality of life to have it, it may ease some burden or concern to have it, but it is not a need. 

When discussing if something is a need or not, there has to be a context linking it to a specific result.  You need a certain amount of vitamin C in your diet to avoid getting scurvy, but that candy bar at the grocery store checkout is not something you need to live (in fact you might need to avoid it to prolong your life).  Medicine can be something you need to live, or to reduce pain, or to cure something minor.

The difference between what a person sees as a need or a want lies in the priority they give to the outcome they expect from it, and how many alternatives they have for achieving that same result.  A huge TV is not a need when it is only intended for recreational purposes, especially if you can either make do with the smaller set you have or entertain yourself in some other way. There is no big negative consequence to doing without so it should be seen as a want.  But if that TV is required for use as a presentation tool that your business must use to be competitive then it can be a need.

So is sex a need to have a happy and lasing marriage?  The answer is not as simple as yes or no.

When you were dating did you ever ask somebody to dance with you, or invite them out on a date and been turned down flat?  Have you ever got the 'can we just be friends' speech from somebody that you thought loved you as much as you loved them?  Did you get a Dear John letter on your mission?  I think all of us has at some point felt the painful sting of being rejected by somebody we had feelings for.  It wasn't fun, was it.

How healthy would a marriage be if it was common for one spouse to make the other feel that way time after time, week after week, year after year?  Could a marriage filled with rejection be the source of joy and happiness that God intends it to be? Of course not.

Have you ever had a friend that was constantly imposing on your life, inconsiderate of your feelings and expecting you to cater to them without taking into account how their demands impacted your life?  A marriage that has that in it isn't doing as well as it should either.

Not every person gets the same thing out of having sex, and the same person doesn't get the same thing out of it each time either.  Having sex can give a person a great deal of pleasure, emotionally bond them to their partner, heal the little hurts that a couple unintentionally inflict on each other, renew the commitment to the relationship, create a new life, and provide a number of health benefits as well.  But under other circumstances it has the potential to cause physical pain, leave a person feeling used, ashamed or guilty, or create resentment, anger and hostility.  A spouse who's desire is met with 'duty sex' can feel as hurt after as if they were rejected.

There are biological, emotional and even spiritual forces that combine to create a sex drive in each person.  It is stronger in some and weaker in others.  Sometimes it is repressed or ignored, but it is there and there is a need to have sex to satisfy those urges.   However, getting sex may not achieve everything somebody wants or expects since it is a mutual activity.  What having sex will acomplish will depend on what each of you bring to the encounter.  Rather then focus on merely having sex (which leads somebody to only look inward to their own desires) the objective needs to be having a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship.

Sister Linda S Reeves, second counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency said in the last General Conference: 

One reason we are here on earth is to learn to manage the passions and feelings of our mortal bodies. These God-given feelings help us want to marry and have children. The intimate marriage relationship between a man and a woman that brings children into mortality is also meant to be a beautiful, loving experience that binds together two devoted hearts, unites both spirit and body, and brings a fulness of joy and happiness as we learn to put each other first. 

In a mutually satisfying sexual relationship each spouse willingly does their best to fulfill their partner's sexual needs, putting each other first.  This is not just a matter of how often the couple has sex, but how fulfilling those encounters are individually and collectively.  It may involve shedding negative attitudes about sex, overcoming inhibitions, trying new things, changing their priorities and deliberately planning  their life to allow for the time and energy needed to engage sexually with their spouse.  It also includes being patient, charitable, understanding, even forgiving during those times when their spouse is unable to meet their needs.

For some couples, a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship would mean frequent sexual intimacy they both enjoy, with neither spouse feeling deprived or feeling used.  Some couples may face long term obstacles such as disability, problems from advanced age, emotional trauma, mental illness, past sexual abuse, or chronic medical conditions which can all reduce the frequency of sexual intimacy to something less than ideal for one or both partners (or even prevent all physical intimacy), but they can still have a strong marriage if they each know that their companion is doing the best that they can for them under the circumstances.  Likewise with short term obstacles such as fatigue, absence, or being sick which every marriage will face time to time.

A lack of sexual fulfillment results in feeling rejected, neglected, taken for granted, unappreciated, and unloved.  These are poisonous to a marriage and over time such feelings can cancel out every non-sexual expression of love and affection.  It doesn't mean much to hear 'I love you' in the kitchen when they brush off their spouse's needs in the bedroom.

As President Spencer W. Kimball said:

If you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are one, two, three, four reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in the court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason.... (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p.312)

It is not getting or having sex as often as you want that is important.  It is both of you giving and sharing joyful sexual intimacies with each other to get as close to mutual sexual fulfillment as possible.

Do you know what your spouse needs from you to feel sexually fulfilled?  Are you meeting their needs as best you can?  Are there ways you could change that would enable you to meet their needs even better?  Have you told your spouse what you need from them to feel fulfilled?  If not take some time to work on that.  You might also want to read Moving towards sexual fulfillment  Part 1 and Part 2

The spice of married life...

A husband and wife's sexual life has a number of dimensions.  The frequency of sexual intimacy is one dimension that gets a lot of attention, and it is easy to make the mistake of thinking that if the frequency is too low to meet the needs of both partners, that is the only thing to work on.  Likewise if frequency is not an issue, other aspects of the relationship might get overlooked.

One such potential blind spot is variety.  As with the sex drive, the need for variety in a couple's intimate life is real, and can vary a great deal person to person.  Some people can be perfectly happy to have sex the same way over and over in a predictable but satisfying manner.  Others can hunger for a menu of options to combine creating range of pleasurable experiences.  It can even turn out that the spouse with the lower sex drive has the higher need for variety.

This need for variety by itself is not a bad thing, in fact I would say God built that into us the same as he built into us a desire for sexual fulfillment.  God did not create one kind of flower, one kind of tree, one kind of bird, and one kind of dog.  He did not give us one kind of food or one kind of weather either.  He created a world overflowing with variety and said:

Doctrine and Covenants 59:18

Yea, all things which come of the earth, in the season thereof, are made for the benefit and the use of man, both to please the eye and to gladden the heart;

Satan of course can twist anything to his purposes, and so he uses the desire for variety as a means of pulling people into the trap of pornography.  This excelent TED Talk video goes into detail on that and I recommend everybody watch it, even if pornography is not an issue in your marriage:



What the video doesn't cover is that this drive for variety can be harnessed for good within a marriage.  Certainly a variety of partners is off the table, but there are many areas where variety can be introduced

Positions
The most obvious place to start is with a variety of positions.  You don't have to be a double jointed acrobat to develop a list of a few different positions that work for you.  The three most common are missionary (man on top), cowgirl (woman on top) and 'doggie style' (woman hands and knees with the man entering from behind her).  From there you can branch out and try things like CAT, reverse cowgirl, having sex while standing up.  Not every new position you try will be workable for your body types, but half the fun is in trying.  Don't make a big deal out of it when something you try isn't right for the two of you, just have a laugh and learn from the experience.

Type of sex
Vaginal intercourse is not the only option.  Giving each other oral sex or manual sex opens up the possibility of greater sexual intimacy at times when vaginal sex is not desirable or possible, and each spouse can provide that for the other.  'Outercourse'  is another option, or phone sex if the two of you are at a distance from each other. 

Dress
Both lingerie and sexy costumes add excitement and variety.  Wearing lingerie sends a message that you desire your spouse, and you hunger for sexual intimacy with them.  Costumes allow for playing out sexual fantasies with alternate reality versions of the two of you.  This harnesses the imagination to expand the realm of variety beyond the limits of reality.  It can even help overcome needless inhibitions. Role playing like that can be done without costumes too, but it does add something to it when you can dress the part.

Location
While making love is a private act, it doesn't have to be limited to the master bedroom.  One anniversary we sent all the kids out to have sleepovers at their friend's homes.  For that weekend our home was our hotel suite and we enjoyed having the privacy of the bedroom extended to the entire house.  You can also get a real hotel room for just a night or for a weekend, find a secluded place to park after the sun goes down, take a blanket with you to a private beach,  or hike to your own Garden of Eden where either in the moonlight or the full light of day the two of you can become one.

There are a variety of ways to express affection (love notes, touches, public displays of affection, gifts...) or flirt (sexual touches, sexting, erotic desires whispered in their ear, 'bedroom eyes' from across the room...), and a number of different intimate activities ( taking intimate photos, massage, showering together...).  There is no such thing as an exhaustive list.

With just a little effort and forethought, even a couple that has been married a long time can find something new to try, or do something they haven't done in a long time.  Building up a good menu of intimate options will let variety become the spice of your marriage, and you'll love the flavor.